by Cyrus Marriner
Ryoko fled.
Often in her life, she had faced battles that would scare any sane being. She had fought impossible odds, and beings of massive power. And never had she fled. This time, however, Ryoko couldn't face her adversary. Up until now, her enemies had always been real, tangible opponents that she could defeat in ways she understood. This time, this wasn't the case. She was engulfed in sadness. It was a powerful, impenetrable curtain that had surrounded her, and now she had no way out.
She had felt it even before her suspicions had been confirmed. Tenchi had come to her and told her the truth. Not brutally or mockingly, but kindly and sympathetically. He had chosen Ayeka. Ryoko didn't know what had happened, or why Tenchi had chosen her, but she knew that Ayeka had captured Tenchi's heart.
Ryoko's first instinct was to destroy.
It was an instinct that she had tried to keep away from the surface, one she tried to hide, one left over from her time with Kagato. For a brief moment, after Tenchi spoke to her, Ryoko wanted to destroy him, Ayeka, and everything else. She wanted to reduce the entire planet to an uninhabitable rock. Such was the extent of her rage. Then she saw the pain in Tenchi's face. He was sad to have caused her so much pain.
This was too much for Ryoko to comprehend. She could not destroy, which was a response deeply ingrained into her psyche. So she fled. She ran from the pain's source, in hope that it would lessen, turning a deaf ear to Tenchi's stammering statements about how he still cared for her, how he didn't want to hurt her, and how he had only done this because he thought it would be less painful than to string her along. All were true, but Ryoko did not hear because she did not want to hear. She flew as fast as she could, until she arrived at Funaho.
There, Ryoko wept.
Tenchi had been her anchor. Ever since she had left the imprisonment of the cave, Ryoko had needed Tenchi, her rock in a stormy sea. That rock had just dissolved beneath her. Her love was still there, but instead of a steady rock, it was a monstrous kraken, threatening to swallow her and destroy her.
A myriad of thoughts entered her mind as she cried under the tree, none of them comforting. She could never return, she felt. She could never forget. The pain was too much to bear, and it was all Ryoko could think about. The depression threatened to overwhelm her unless she could find a way out.
Ryoko created an energy blade in her hand.
All she wanted was to end her pain, stop her conflict, cease her misery. She wanted to completely remove the suffering she had experienced. Her heart was filled with self-pity and veiled in self- loathing. She had not been good enough for Tenchi, and he had rejected her. She was useless offal, waste product, as Kagato had called her so many times.
Then she thought of Tenchi. She had hurt him, as well. She remembered the look on his face after he saw her reaction. She hated herself for loving Tenchi, because all her love had caused him was pain. And there was one thing Ryoko would never do. She would never hurt Tenchi.
Ryoko's blade hovered over her throat.
She saw her life before her, spread out like so many puzzle pieces jammed together in incongruous patterns and colors. She saw the brightness in front of her, a brightness generated by Tenchi, fade away, and his piece of the puzzle slowly disintegrated. She wanted to end it, and she could, with one thrust.
Then she saw Sasami. The young princess's smiling visage, which was almost never marred by sadness. She saw Sasami crying. She saw Sasami mourning for her. She saw Sasami hurt, in pain.
Ryoko dispelled the blade.
Her sadness was there, and it was not at all alleviated. She felt as bad as she had before, but she could not end her life. She could not hurt Sasami. Then she understood. Sasami cared for her. Ryoko had never felt cared for. Then she continued to see. Tenchi cared, Washu cared, Mihoshi cared. Even Ayeka cared. She knew this because she cared for all of them too.
Ryoko could not end her life because of the people who cared for her. She may have had no future in her eyes because of her loss of Tenchi, but she could not end her life. It was not because she had a fear of death, but because she was compassionate. She was too compassionate to kill herself, because of the others it would hurt. Perhaps it was not the best reason to keep on going, but it was certainly a reason. And it kept her alive until she could find her own reasons.
Ryoko stood and walked back towards the house.
Ryoko began to think of the freckled girl with bright pink eyes who had saved her from death. She had developed a true fondness for the girl. Perhaps she could renounce her royalty and become a space pirate with Ryoko. The thought of the young girl dressed as a space pirate caused Ryoko a slight chuckle.
The idea was a dream, of course. Ryoko knew that it would never happen. But still, it was a pleasant fantasy, and one that made Ryoko feel better. Perhaps she could still hope, and still live. She had a dream, nonsensical as it was, but it would keep her going until she found her true purpose.
Ryoko saw the house.
She approached the house, wiped her eyes, and attempted to retain her composure. She felt stronger now, no longer the weak, empty shell that had fled from Tenchi's bedroom. She had people who cared for her, people who loved her, and she had dreams. Of course, she had to have dreams. After all, what is life but a ceaseless chase after one's dreams?
Ryoko knew she could handle this. She would talk to someone, possibly Washu, and try to sort herself out. She needed to heal herself, for everyone's sakes. She would also need to talk to Tenchi. Although he could not be her love, he could still be her rock.
Ryoko smiled. Although all was not perfect now, she knew it
could be, and that gave her the courage to enter the house.
Thanks for reading. This story was just an idea that came to me one
night, and I wrote it all down in one sitting. Thanks goes to
Hospitaller, for proofreading, and SC for her feedback. Ryoko's
thoughts are closely based on my own battles with depression, so
there's a lot of me in this story. Please give me some feedback at
rowsdower@seanbaby.com.