The fic won for "Best Setting" in the Anime North 2004 fan fiction contest.

I'd like to say a big thank you to Rosa, Yubs, Mer and my mother for beta-ing this fic.

Kaa-sama (1)

Part of the Obscure Characters Series

My life has never been easy. Throughout the years I have suffered, recovering only to suffer more. Often the hardships have seemed insurmountable. Yet somehow I have survived and managed to find joy in my life.

My people have always been confined to the outskirts of society. People can be so vicious and cold to those who are different. The reason for this cruelty runs deeper than the claimed matter of religion. People want someone to hate, a scapegoat for all their problems. And for this, they choose us.

This was the world of my childhood, of my adulthood, of my entire life. And it stung, no matter how accustomed I was to it happening, when I saw family and friends treated like dirt. Worse than dirt. But it was our reality, so we did our best to live within it.

My childhood disappeared overnight. There was some happiness, but most memories of this time are of rejection, travel and exile. My family tried to break through the limitations placed on our tribe, but it was all in vain. In the end, we settled in a small village, where we tried to live as normal a life as we could.

By this time I was in my early teens, the stage where everything your parents do seems to be with the intention of ruining your life. Despite the treatment from the outside world, I still wanted to be a part of it. I saw this new development as giving up, and thus I hated our new home with a passion, and loathed my heritage even more. Then I met the man of my dreams, and suddenly everything seemed perfect.

We were married the day we were both of age. Our life was so happy, as full of joy as anyone could possibly wish for. Together we were able to forget about the troubles of the world. To forget about the treatment of our people by those who considered us outcasts. To forget about everything, except the two of us and our happiness.

The climax of this joy came with the discovery of new life growing in my womb. The path to becoming a family, rather than two newly-weds, was open to us and we eagerly prepared to embark along it. Our world was paradise.

Then it all shattered around us.

My husband, my partner, my soul mate, was killed. He never stood a chance, nor did any members of the hunting party he was in. Unknown assailants ambushed them, killing every last man. The identities of these murderers were never discovered.

The pain was so great I could barely function. I felt as though someone had ripped every positive feeling out of my body, leaving only emptiness and despair. I wanted nothing more than to die, craving the oblivion death would bring. It was only the new life inside me, a reminder of lost love, that stayed my own hands.

It was hard, so terribly hard, to live alone in this world that hated me. I planned to finish it all after my child's birth, to leave this new life with my sister's family and end my own. My child would grow up happy and healthy, not anchored to a dead-weight parent. I would slip from reality's embrace and finally be free.

But all thoughts of suicide vanished when I held my son in my arms that first time. In that moment, I found a new reason to live, and remembered those reasons I had lost sight of. I needed to live for my baby, to give him the best life possible. For my husband, so that his memory would not be lost. For my people, to save them from even more despair. And for myself, so that I could remember what it was like to be happy.

My son brought me so much happiness. He was the living reflection of his father, an image from the past recaptured. Yet he was not the warrior my husband had been. My precious little boy was the kindest being I have ever known in my life. So gentle. So innocent. I strove to preserve that simple purity, but inevitably life intervened. He saw the world for what it was, and was not able to understand. I could not help him. I could not answer his questions about why our life was so hard, or why others despised and feared us so much. I could not explain our fate. Some questions have no answers. Some things in life have no reasons.

All reason was discarded when the Kotou Empire began to expand. My people were being hunted down and killed by the hundreds. The entire village lived in fear of the day when the chaos would engulf our lives, drenching the land in our blood. We did not have long to wait.

They fell upon us without warning, during the darkest hours of the night. The terrified screams of those being butchered – or worse – pulled me from the comfort of sleep. I rushed to my child, hating to rouse him from his dreams of innocence. We hurried to get out of the tent, out of the village, to safety. But it was too late.

The world spun as hands grabbed me and roughly forced me to the ground. I fought them the best I could, but I was only one woman against armed soldiers. Pain shot through my body as I was thrust into, violated, raped. I tried to shut it all out, all that was happening around me, all that was happening to me. I desperately sought a comforting lie, to save me from this horrible truth.

It was at this moment that I saw my son standing motionless by the tent, watching in horror. I knew that whatever happened to me, I could not let him be subjected to this torture. I had to make him move, no matter what happened to me. Even if I never saw him again, I needed my son to be safe.

I pulled myself back into reality, back to the pain, back to him, and screamed as loud as I could, "Nakago! Nakago! Hurry! Hurry, run!"

But he didn't. My little boy just stood there, paralyzed with shock, tears streaming down his face. Suddenly he screamed and blue light surrounded me, engulfing me, blinding me. And then, mercifully, all the pain was gone. I was no longer trapped in my aching body, but gliding through the soothing light. I did not want to leave my son alone in this harsh world, but he had chosen to end my torment. All I could do was hope for his future, and accepted this final gift.

I was free.

Thank you, my son. May your life be better than mine.

(1) Kaa-sama – In the Fushigi Yuugi series, "kaa-sama" is the term Nakago uses to refer to his mother. It's somewhere between extremely respectful and extremely familiar. It translates to something along the lines of "Honoured Mommy"