Heya, this idea just kinda popped into my head and I had to write it down or my muse would have annoyed me for ages
This episode has spoilers for 4:16 onwards
Just so you know, I was really angry with the storyline in 4:16, so i decided i would write a different ending.
Disclaimer: Don't own CSI NY or the characters (as much as i wish i did) and i don't own the song 'What if' by Kate Winslet
Enjoy!!
Lindsay gently lay her head against the door of her locker. Today had been difficult. The case they'd had, the little girl that had been murdered by her father, it had struck deeper than she wanted to let onto the other members of the team. But she knew Danny wasn't fooled, no matter how much she smiled, no matter how much she tried to focus on the job.
Danny. It had been over a week since he'd told her about Rikki. Over a week since everything came crashing down around her.
Lindsay could have kicked herself. She was angry, but not at Danny. Yes he'd done an unspeakable thing. But she was angry with herself. She'd taken down all of her walls, let Danny close to her and into her heart. And in return, he'd taken her heart and shattered it into a thousand pieces.
She'd believed him when she said it wasn't because of her. Danny was grieving Reuben. And Lindsay couldn't fault him for that. But she couldn't wrap her head around why he'd resorted to sex.
Lindsay lifted her head from her door and sat down on the bench in the middle of the room, placing her head in her hands. As much as she hated to admit it, she missed Danny. She missed the comfort that he brought her, the peace he'd given her to finally leave her past behind. She missed waking up next to him, flirting with him in the lab, talking with him about almost everything under the sun.
She missed the way her called her Montana.
She couldn't deny it, she still loved him. She still wanted him, no matter how much her head told her it was wrong. But she'd pushed him away, just as she had before. Her heart hurt from the pain, the pain that she'd rejected him when he was already suffering.
Lindsay was not a weak individual, and she certainly didn't like to feel like a fool. She knew what he'd done was wrong, that she'd never be able to truly understand why he did it. But instead of listening to him, she walked away. She hated how much she missed him, and he didn't make it easy for her. He tried to talk to her, tried to go back to the way they were before. Tried to fix what he'd done. Tried to make it up for her. And as much as she despised herself, she felt herself giving in. The thing she had with Danny, it was special, it was something that made her feel as if she were on top of the world. It made her feel safe. And for the first time, she truly felt loved.
Caught up in her musings, she didn't notice the person the shadow fall across the floor, didn't notice the presence of the person leaning against the door frame. Danny watched her, feeling his heart break all over again. He knew she'd been affected by the case they worked, and he wanted so badly to comfort her. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't cover the fact that she was hurting, and it pained Danny that he wasn't able to take her pain away. He hated himself for what he'd done to her, and he knew that she was furious with him. But he still wanted her. And no matter what he had to do, he wasn't prepared to lose her without a fight. How ironic, he mused, that you don't realise what you have until you've lost it. It was only know he realised what he'd had.
"Lindsay."
Lindsay's head jerked up at the sound of his voice, and her breath caught in her throat when she saw him standing there. He was still as hot as ever, but recently she'd noticed his change in appearance - the messy hair, the clothes that didn't quite seem to fit his frame. The lifeless eyes without the sparkle.
Lindsay knew she could fix him, if she gave him a chance, but she didn't think she was ready to fall again. She didn't have the strength to keep fighting.
"Hey."
"You alright?"
His concern was clear in his voice, and she ached for him to be able to comfort her in the way she wanted. But her head won the battle, and resorted to her tried and tested tactic - avoidance.
"Sure, never better."
"Linds."
"Don't Linds me. You didn't care about my feelings before, why should you know?" The anger Lindsay had pushed to the back of her mind came back full pelt, and the words spilled out of her mouth before she could stop herself.
Danny winced at the amount of loathing he could hear in her voice, and he knew he deserved it. But he wasn't going to back down now - this was the first time she'd reacted to what he'd said in over a week.
"I always cared about you Linds."
"Funny that, you cared about me so much that you went and slept with another woman. Yes, your concern about my feelings is so obvious."
"Damn it Linds, you know it wasn't like that!"
"It never is Danny is it? Clearly I meant so much to you that you thought cheating on me would be a safer option."
"You do mean a lot to me Lindsay. God damn it, how many times am I going to have to tell you that before you hear me?"
Lindsay drew back from the anger in his voice. She was angry, but she felt the anger draining from her as quickly as it came on. Without another word, she turned her back on Danny and went back to her locker. She'd not meant to yell, but sometimes she just couldn't help but feel angry, fell angry that he'd thrown everything they had away in just one stupid mistake. In all honesty, she knew she meant a lot to him, otherwise he wouldn't still be reaching for her when she'd turned her back. But right now, she just didn't know if she could believe him, as much as she wanted to.
Danny too felt his anger retract after seeing the pain flash in her eyes. He didn't mean to shout back at her, hadn't meant to hurt her again with his words. But now, he felt that he'd truly lost all hope, and the thought of her not being in his life hurt him so badly that he didn't know what to do with himself.
Lindsay looked out of the window in the locker room, sighing when she saw the dark swirling clouds and the pouring rain. Great, she'd have to walk home. A fantastic way to end her already crap day.
Danny's eyes followed her line of sight, and saw the annoyance cross her face - he knew she'd not brought her car, and with the taxi cab killer on the loose, she wasn't desperate or stupid enough to take a cab.
"Let me give you a rid home."
The words were out before he had a chance to think them over, and he winced at the impending rejection.
Lindsay whirled around, unsure that she'd heard him right. She couldn't believe what he'd just asked her - moments after shouting at her. She hesitated. She so badly wanted to go with him, so badly wanted to spend some time with him, just as they used to. Her heart ached for it. But her head warned her that they'd just end up fighting, and that she shouldn't be so quick to forgive. But this time, Lindsay listened to her heart. If she didn't, she'd regret no taking the chance, even if it ended badly, she could comfort herself with the idea that she'd tried.
"Sure, that would be good. Let me just grab my coat."
Danny's jaw dropped open. He had not expected that. He'd expected her to say no, storm out, shout at him, anything but accept. Yet that was what she'd done. Maybe there was a chance for them yet, he let himself believe. He let himself have a little bit of hope, otherwise he didn't think he'd be able to function.
"Alright I'm ready." Lindsay's voice penetrated his thoughts, and he quickly cleared his mind and straightened himself up.
"Sure, come on then."
They walked down to the car in silence, both aware that the entire lab was watching them through the glass. They hadn't really tried to hide the fact they weren't speaking, and they could sense that the lab was waiting for them to explode at each other. Well, Lindsay thought, they aren't going to get that show.
In the garage, they reached Danny's car. They got in, Danny driving and Lindsay in the passenger seat, and they could both feel the tension between them. To try and release it, Danny flipped on the radio to the local station, and began to reverse the car.
Lindsay looked out of the window, keeping her eyes firmly away from Danny. She could sense his hopelessness, could sense that he didn't know how to make this better. But then again, she didn't either.
"I'm sorry Linds. I swear to God I am."
The pain in Danny's voice came through clearly, and Lindsay shut her eyes against the onslaught of emotion that washed over her.
"I know."
"If I could take it back I would."
"I know."
"Linds, just so you know, I don't think badly about you. I understand why you dislike me right now. I just…I just wanted you to know that…I…I love you."
Lindsay's eyes flew open, and she whipped her head around to face Danny, who kept his gaze on the road. She couldn't believe what she'd just heard.
"What did you say?"
"I know I shouldn't say it, I know you're mad at me, but I just wanted you to know that I love you."
She could sense that Danny was telling the truth, and she so badly wanted to believe him.
"I want to believe you. But I don't know if I can."
"I know. I do. I just couldn't let you walk away without me saying it. Cos it's true. I might not have always told the truth in the past, but that is true, I swear."
Lindsay turned back to the window, trying to will the tears away. She'd always wanted him to say that, but now she just didn't know if she could let herself fall.
Without saying a word to Danny, she felt around in her bag for her phone. Taking it out, she started typing a message, deciding once and for all that she had to make a leap if she ever wanted to get back to where they used to be. She couldn't deny to herself anymore that she loved Danny, wouldn't deny her heart. She knew it would be difficult, and she knew that forgiveness was difficult. But to not try, to run away as she always had done in the past was just not an option anymore.
Telling Danny this though would be difficult. Lindsay didn't think she'd be able to make her vocal chords work, and she so badly wanted to tell him what she wanted. Still not saying anything to Danny, she finished typing her message, sent it, closed her phone, and once again turned back to the window.
Danny chanced a glance at her, and he felt hope once again flicker in his heart. She'd not rejected him, not told him where to go. She'd just stayed silent. For a long time, he waited for her to say something, but she didn't. Finally, he gave up on waiting for her to say something, and just told himself that he had to give her a chance to work things out. Sighing, he turned his attention back to the road to try and drown out the sense of lose that had been magnified since they'd fought in the locker room.
The radio crackled, and Danny went to turn it off, convinced that it was about to cut out. He stopped when he felt Lindsay's hand touch his wrist, stopping him. Confused, he gave her a look, but she just smiled at him sadly, before turning away once more. Before he could ask why she wanted to keep the radio on, he heard the DJ speak.
"Next we have a song choice from Montana, which she would like to dedicate to her Cowboy." The song began to play, and Danny turned his startled eyes to Lindsay in the seat next to him.
"Just listen." She said softly, her voice catching slightly. Danny, having pulled up outside Lindsay's apartment building, parked but kept the key in the engine, listening to the music that was filling his ears.
Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change
Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayedIf you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change
Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayedIf you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine
'Cos I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keep on spinning in my mind
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayedIf you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know
As the song finished, Danny gazed at Lindsay, confused at the message she was trying to send. Lindsay turned to face him, and for the first time in days, she looked him in the eye.
"Danny" She began, voice catching once again, tears beginning to form in her eyes "I don't want to lose you Danny. I miss you so much it hurts, I can't sleep, I can't focus on anything. I just…I don't know where we go from here. I still love you, and I don't think that will ever change, but I don't…I can't…"
Lindsay's voice trailed off and tears began falling down her cheeks. Hesitating briefly, Danny raised his hand to her face and slowly wiped away her tears. She leant her head against his hand, sighing softly, but still crying.
"Linds, I'm so sorry about what I did to you. I don't know if you'll ever forgive me, but I won't leave Linds. I was an idiot and I didn't realise what I had until I lost you. You made my life, ever since you came here, you've changed me. And I know I made a mistake. But what we had was good. You can't deny that. The time I spent with you, it was the best time of my life…we went through so much together, we can't just throw it now. I know I threw away everything we had, but I swear, I'll do everything in my power to make you happy, to make you forgive me. Anything you want, I'll do. I'm nothing without you Linds."
By now, both of them were crying, and they leant forwards until their foreheads were touching, until they could feel each others breath against their face.
"Just please don't give up on us Linds. I don't want to be without you. We'll never know if we don't try. Please." Danny's voice broke, unable to hold himself together any longer.
Lindsay looked up into his cobalt blue eyes, sparkling with the tears that he couldn't hold back. Without hesitating, she lifted her lips to his. The kiss was soft, but to them it signalled a new beginning. Lindsay pulled back briefly, smiling slightly, and once again leant her forehead against his. Without speaking, she managed to show him that despite what he'd done, despite what had happened, she was willing to move on. But unlike in her past, she wasn't running away. This time, she'd taken a risk. And she didn't know if it would pay off, whether it would once again end in tears.
But at least she wouldn't spend the rest of her life wondering.
I hope you enjoyed this, i wasn't sure whether it would be any good or not
Please review, it makes me happy :)