Sam
"I want a transfer." I retort adamantly to Josh upon alighting the vehicle.
Holby City Hospital. My old stomping ground – back in the days when I was a doctor. There are too many memories here.
Firstly, my ex-husband (the first one) is here. I heard on the grapevine he'd come back and I can't imagine he'll be too thrilled to see me – especially as I didn't warn him. But then nobody warned me either.
It's not seeing Dylan that I'm dreading though. I think once the dust has settled, he'll be ok with me. Not overly happy, but ok – and goodness knows I could do with his friendship right now. My friends are very thin on the ground and Dylan's the best friend I've ever had – and the only man I've ever been able to rely on.
No. It's the imminent meeting with Iain I'm dreading. My ex-comrade from the army – and also the man I cheated on Dylan with – one of my biggest regrets, along with my first divorce. He's still a friend of course – but that's all Iain's ever been to me. Anything else was just a passing fancy because I was lonely and I believed that Dylan had lost interest in me – at least as a wife. It was only when I served him the divorce papers – an attempt to move on, that I realised I'd got it wrong, and then, well, I couldn't stop, could I? I couldn't go back on it, once he thought I wanted to divorce him. I couldn't take it back - even though I wanted too. The bonds had been severed and I've never been good at admitting I'm wrong.
It's true that I did come to love Tom – but not in the same way as I love Dylan. Dylan has a piece of my heart, always. He is a piece of my heart. Darling Dylan.
The last time I worked at this hospital – before my fall from grace, I was a doctor, and though I always did my best not too emphasise the fact, I could tell that it irritated Iain greatly. It annoyed him that after leaving the army, I was able to become a doctor with my qualifications – whereas he was 'just' a paramedic.
Now I have to face a humiliating meeting with him, when he finds out that I've been 'demoted' and have had to re-train as a paramedic – and then I have to work with him. Oh, he's going to be so smug and I simply can't bear it.
I take a deep breath and follow Josh – but the meeting comes all too soon.
"Look what the cat dragged in!" He smirks – revelling in it. I have to take another deep breath because I feel my temper rising quickly.
"Do you know each other?" Josh comments in surprise. Too right we do.
No flies on him.
Thankfully, we get a call-out as Iain begins to probe me – and I managed to deflect his questions all the way there. The only information I give him at all, is that my second husband is now an ex. Of course, I get a dig about that too.
"Have you talked to Dylan yet?" comes next.
"How many sore spots can you poke at?!" I answer crossly. Ok – so I'm being very bad-tempered, but things have not been easy and there's only so much I can take. We are heading back to base, when I spot a crashed car and instruct Iain to pull over.
"Can we just get on with the job?" I comment as we get out the ambulance. I quickly realise that the car is not stable – and we need to get the woman out, but her seat belt is stuck. Having cut her free, we all manage to get out – just before the car rolls down the hill until it hits the barrier. The impact from hitting the barrier causes the boot to pop open – and to our complete shock, we find there is an unconscious man tied up in the boot.
"What?!" I retort as we stare at him – and then the woman in horror.
I proceed to treat the unconscious man under Iain's very smug guidance and I just want to crawl into a hole. It's hard to focus when he's repeatedly smirking at me in the background.
Unfortunately, it's a nasty injury the patient has sustained and the circumstances are such that Iain has no choice but to ask for a doctor.
It's extremely degrading when I used to be one – and in my humiliation I over-step my role and treat the patient as a doctor.
"What are you doing? You're not a doctor any more." Iain hisses.
"I can do it." I insist – determined to prove myself.
"I know – but you're not covered!" He answers.
He's right – but I do it anyway. It saves the patient – but that will get me in trouble later . My first shift and I've already messed it up.
However, when I suceeed - with his help, it does provide us both with some light relief – which breaks the ice and makes the whole situation more comfortable – at least for now. That's something at least.
When the doctor arrives – it's none other than Dylan.
Iain gets there first. "Heads up-" He starts, but I breeze up before he can finish.
"It's sorted." I tell Dylan – deciding that just 'getting on with things' is the best way to approach my ex-husband. With hindsight, it probably wasn't.
"...Sam's here." Iain finishes helpfully, a few seconds too late.
Dylan stares at me in shock. "Hello." He grunts. "I beg your pardon?" He adds when I've explained the situation with the second patient – ending with 'We couldn't wait.'.
He's still very flummoxed to see me in a paramedics uniform – especially when I've just preformed a procedure I shouldn't have. He gives me the expected telling-off for doing so. "That's against protocol, isn't it? -and what are you doing here?"
"Let's just talk later." I suggest hurriedly, deflecting his last question. "We need to get him to the ED – and she had him tied up in the boot."
"Ok. We'll keep them separate." He tells us – deciding that he will follow the ambulance with the woman in the car."
Dylan
I stare after Sam as though I'm in a dream – except I haven't quite decided whether it's a good one or a bad one yet. "She's...she's...a paramedic now." I stammer at Iain, pointing after her.
"Yeah." He agrees.
"But what's happened here? She could lose her job for this." I retort gruffly. The job she's just got.
"She was awesome, mate." Iain responds. Well, I know she is – I trained her, but she's not supposed to do such things in this job. I immediately know that she's lost her doctor's license somehow – because Sam would never choose this over being a doctor. Something bad happened.
Sam
Well, at least that's over too. Obviously they'll have to be explanations later but the initial shock is out of the way. Now for the rest of it. Most of the ED staff are new after I left – but there are some who knew me as a doctor. The first is Charlie – who I over hear saying to a woman that I used to be a registrar.
"Bit of a step down." I hear her mutter hauntingly in response. The woman must be Connie Beauchamp. I've heard about her.
The next one to gape at me is Noel. He could catch flies in his mouth.
But that's not the worst bit. "Why did Mrs Beauchamp ask me to keep you on site?" Josh asks later.
Well, that's it then. Another job over – another career gone.
Robyn at least, seems pleased to see me.
"Dylan – heads up. Mrs Beauchamps on the warpath." I warn when I see him outside."
"You're the second person who's said 'heads up' to me today." He retorts irritably. Oops – unfortunate choice of words. It undoubtedly went down badly because it was Iain who said it to him before. "Why didn't you tell me?" There is no doubt that he's referring to my shock appearance.
"I only found out this morning."
"You could have sent me a text." He responds crossly. "I assume you've still got my number."
Yes, I've still got his number. "I'm sorry." I apologise.
It's all I can to say.. I didn't think he'd want a text from me – I didn't think he'd read it if I had sent him one. And I didn't want to admit to him what a mess I'd made of the career he mentored me in at college.
Dylan
During my lunch break, I go to seek out Iain. He tells me that Sam looked uncharacteristically as though she was going to cry when Josh said Mrs Beauchamp wants her kept on site. There's something going on – and Sam is clearly at the end of her tether. I want to find out exactly what Iain knows about her 'new' career – which turns out not to be very much at all.
"All I know is that she's re-trained as a paramedic – and she's got another divorce." He informs me. "She won't tell me anything else."
"She split up with Tom? Why?" I ask him.
"No idea, mate – she's not exactly 'chatty Cathy' at the moment." He remarks.
I want to know even more now. I need to know.
"I'd keep your head down though, mate." Iain adds. "She's been a right mardy cow at times today!"
"Mardy?!" I retort indignantly. "That's not even English! What's it supposed to mean?" I know what he's driving at – the meaning couldn't be clearer, but I'm annoyed at his attitude towards Sam. I'm annoyed on her behalf – and my instinct is immediately to stand up for her.
I'm glad I did, - for it soon turns out that Sam was on her way back to the ambulance station and has overheard. I just hope what I said helps her feel that she's got at least one person on her side.
It soon becomes clear that Sam heard everything – and she's absolutely furious.
"I'm sorry that I didn't warn you..." She fumes. "...but it was humiliating enough having to re-train with a load of students preparing for their first career – 'What job did you do before, Sam?' 'Oh what happened? Why aren't you a doctor any more?' All the looks I got! Then I get sent back here again – and I have to work with the same bloody people – and I've got Connie Beauchamp looking down her nose at me the minute she finds out what I used to be, because...I've 'taken a step down'...as she put it. Do you really think I would have chosen to come back here?!" Sam rages.
She slams her fist down on the palm of her hand angrily. "Well, don't worry – I asked Josh for a transfer as soon as I got here. Then again – I probably won't be a paramedic this time tomorrow – but who needs a career anyway!" she yells at us – losing her temper completely.
I've not seen her this angry for a long time.
"Except that was all I had left because I've already messed up everything else!" She finally pauses – suddenly exhausted - and almost collapses against an ambulance.
I automatically put my hand out to steady her.
"I've got nothing left." She finishes dully. "Thanks grumpy." She adds to me as an after thought.
I nod curtly at her. "Feel better?"
She shrugs and walks away from us again. We both stare after her in silence. That was an outburst and a half.
Sam
I sit on a seat outside the hospital – on my own. I feel bad for yelling at Dylan – I know he was standing up for me. He never did anything - or said anything to upset me, and it's not working with him I have a problem with. I'm not particularly angry with Iain either, although working with him today was pretty horrible to start with.
It's the whole situation I'm angry with. The mess I've got myself into. The things I've lost – and the things I'm going to lose again. Even if I'm still a paramedic – as unlikely as that is, I have to move away, which means I'll lose Dylan all over again.
Dylan doesn't want me here – reminding him of what we once had, so it's better for him if I go. He won't ever ask me to leave, but I can't stay – it wouldn't be fair.
Dylan
A few minutes after Sam's left, I follow. I know she's not ok. I glance around looking for her and eventually spy her forlorn figure sat on a bench.
Sam
"Can I sit here?"
I look up. Dylan's come after me – he knows I'm not ok. "Yeah, sure."
Dylan's usual offer of comfort when we were married, was a quick hug and a dry remark – followed by him leaving the room as quickly as possible, but he's a good man and if he could see that I was really upset, he would 'break protocol' and give me the comfort I really needed. Like now.
"I'm sorry that I shouted at you." I add when he sits down. "I'm not angry at you – and I know you were trying to help."
"It's ok." He shrugs. "Better out than in."
I nod distractedly. I've often dreamt of seeing him again – and the things I'd say. Of course, I never thought it would actually happen, and the dreams don't include all the emotions that are running through my heart like wildfire. Now that I'm here, there's so much on my mind – in my heart, and I don't know what to say to him. Simple – no nonsense words would be best, I decide – if I can work out where to start.
But here it comes – and once he's open to giving me the comfort I need, any thoughts of simplicity disappear – impossible to find again.
"Hey, come here." He pulls me towards him and I collapse against him gratefully. "Are you really getting a transfer?" He mutters eventually. I can't be sure, but I think I detect disappointment in his voice. That can't be right – I must be imagining it.
"Probably best."
"For who?" He remarks in his dry fashion.
"For you." I answer. "You don't want me here – it's perfectly understandable." He won't say it, especially not while I'm upset – so I'll say it for him.
"Why do you always do this, Sam?" He retorts gruffly.
I'm thoroughly confused by the unexpected question and I have absolutely no idea what he's talking about. "Do what?"
"You always assume that you know how I feel." He grumbles.
Well, that is true – and assumptions like that have blown up in my face before now. "Well, I-"
He sighs. "Ok – yes, I was shocked to see you, but that doesn't mean that I don't want you here."
I stare at the floor. He doesn't usually answer questions like this – he doesn't like any one to know how he feels, so I ask with no expectation of getting an answer. "Do you?" I murmur, expecting silence in response. "Want me here?"
"Yes." He says – to my surprise. It couldn't be clearer. "I like having you here – it was just hard watching you with-" He looks suddenly nervous – in case he's upset me by mentioning my other ex-husband. I heard Iain telling him that I was divorced again.
"Tom." I finish for him.
Dylan
"Anyway, you were the one who ask me for a divorce." I mutter – unable to stop myself from adding: "So you could marry Tom." It's a huge sore spot for me. Sam always maintained that her affair with Iain 'meant nothing to her'. He was just a friend – and he was 'just there', but when she married Tom it was different – and it stung all the more.
"Dylan!" She exclaims, shooting to her feet. She does look upset now.
I find myself grabbing her hand to stop her leaving. "Sam?" I plead urgently. "Don't go – talk to me. Please." I have to know why that upset her. It could be that she's upset about Tom, but my instinct's tell me there's more to it and I have to know.
To my relief she sits down again. "Tom had nothing to do with our divorce. I didn't love him back then. That came after – a long time after – and I-" Her voice drops to a tormented whisper. "I didn't want to divorce you either. I wish I hadn't. It was one of the worst things I did."
She looks away from me and I stare at her - not understanding what she said. "What?!"
"I...I thought you wanted a divorce." She explains to my utter bewilderment. "Then when I gave you the papers, I realised you didn't and I..." She breaks off, clearly distressed by the mistake she made.
"But why-why didn't you tell me that, you oaf?" I stammer crossly – equally distressed. If only she had explained back then, I might still have my wife and all the things that happened since, might not have happened.
"You know me, Dylan." She mutters shamefully – refusing to look at me. "I can't admit to being wrong."
"Oh, for goodness sake!" I retort – suddenly angry with her. She threw our marriage away because she couldn't admit she was wrong.
"I'm so sorry, Dylan – and I'm sorry that I was such a bad wife." She sniffs.
I put my arm across her lap quickly – for my instincts tell me that she's going to try and leave again and I can't let her – not until we've finished the conversation.. "You weren't, Sam." I say – making my tone as gentle as possible. "It wasn't all your fault – and I want you to stay in Holby." I add.
"Well," She sniffs again. "That might not matter. I won't have a job when Mrs Beauchamp's finished with me." I move my arm, sensing that the conversation has reached it's natural end. My break is probably over anyway. Sam stands up, rubbing her eyes. "Who knows – it might turn out to be a good thing for you in the long run, grumpy. I betrayed you – and then I threw away our marriage because I couldn't admit that I'd got the wrong end of the stick, so I'm clearly bad for you." She rubs her face again and turns back to me. "Thank you, for the ear, grumpy." She adds politely. "- and I'm sorry for raking everything up."
I sit there for a few minutes after she's left, despite the fact, I should already be back at work. I remember how I felt after that cave rescue back then – and after the GMC hearing. My instincts told me that Sam wanted to make a go of things – she wanted to make our marriage work – and my instincts were right. That's why I reacted so badly to the divorce - I thought I was getting my wife back, so it was a huge shock. Now, I find out that I was right, but what made her think I wanted a divorce back then? I can't understand it at all.
I go back into work and find that David has covered for me with Mrs Beauchamp. Well, at least that is one problem averted.
I happen to be outside the hospital later, when the latter approaches me - and I know exactly what she going to say. I can see Sam leaning against an ambulance, glancing nervously over at us, repeatedly – so I'm in no doubt that she knows what it's about to, and she fully expects to lose her job over it. Not if I have anything to do with the situation though – and I do.
Sam looks over again as Connie walks away and I decide I had better go and speak to her – we haven't actually spoken any more since our emotional discussion earlier.
I'm not good at starting conversations, so I come straight to the point. "Um...I told her that I clamped the artery." I state nonchalantly walking over to my ex-wife.
Her face is a picture and she stares at me in apparent awe – as though I'm the best thing she's ever laid eyes on. "Why did you do that?"
What a stupid question!
"I don't know why I did that – why didn't you tell me you were coming back?" I answer sarcastically – I mean why does she think I did that?! It should be pretty obvious by now that I've 'got her back'. "Oh, ah. Alright, ok – ok." I add with my usual gruff fondness, as she flings her arms around me affectionately.
"Thank you!" She coos holding me tightly, as I pat her back lightly in return. I wish this moment could last forever, but I spot Iain coming out of the hospital – no doubt ready to take another call-out, now that Sam is allowed to leave the premises again.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you." She whispers before I release her. "I wasn't sure how you'd react."
"Ok." I respond. "We can talk later if you want to."
Sam
The remainder of my first shift is more or less uneventful. Iain doesn't question me about my earlier outburst – or the reason for me being a paramedic. It seems he's understood that I've had a difficult time recently – and I just want to get on with the job I've been given.
"Do you still want that transfer?" Josh enquires later, when I've finished my shift. Things are different now, though – and I feel differently about being here.
As I go outside, I see Dylan sat on a bench with his back to me – he's finished his shift as well.
"Can I sit here?" I ask him – echoing his question from earlier. He moves his hand which has been stretched out – leaning on the bench. "I'm not getting a transfer – I'm staying here." I inform him.
"Good...I just want to know one thing." He comments as I take a seat. "You said earlier that you 'didn't love Tom when we got divorced, but you did later on.' "
"Yes."
"Oh." He mutters. He hesitates. "Does that mean that you don't love me any more?"
"No, it doesn't." I answer. "I'll always love you – and I never loved Tom in the same way – if that makes sense. He was...different."
"Oh."
"Can I ask you something, Dylan?" I enquire.
"I suppose so." He mumbles.
"When I said that I thought you wanted a divorce, you looked confused." I point out.
"Well, I just couldn't understand what made you think that." He informs. "Still can't."
"I was away a lot and you were so quiet and shut down back then – whenever I came home. I thought you'd just lost interest in me, while I was away. And when you weren't quiet - you shouted at me – all the time." I remind him. "It was as though you didn't want me there. I just thought, out of sight – out of mind." I explain. "Then I came to Holby as a doctor and you weren't exactly pleased to see me – not that it was a great surprise to me, but after the cave rescue, you said. 'We can't go on like this.' I thought that's what you meant - I didn't think you'd want me back."
Dylan
It makes sense now. I can see why she thought I'd lost interest in her. I was pretty wrapped up in myself when she came home on leave. I decide she needs to know the things I've hidden from her for so long. If she wants nothing to do with me afterwards – well, it's my own fault and I'll just have to accept it.
"There's something you need to know, Sam." I mutter. "I kept it a secret from you back then and I shouldn't have. I'm sorry."
Sam
He's got a secret too. He hesitates and I decide he needs a little encouragement.
"Dylan," I say with a sigh. "I had an affair, I divorced you, made you watch me going out with Tom – and I killed a man when I was in the army. Whatever your secret is, I've kept worse secrets from you." Because it can't possibly be as bad as anything I've done.
He seems slightly reassured. "The reason I was so shut down back then was because, I was fighting an alcohol addiction." He mutters. "I never knew how to tell you – and I suppose admitting to it may me feel like more of a failure. I'm sorry." He adds, not looking at me. He seems sure that I won't want anything to do with him.
"You're not a failure, grumpy." I sigh and lean my head on his shoulder. "It's all such a mess isn't, it. So, you're an alcoholic – but you're in recovery?"
He's clearly surprised by my reaction. "Um...it's under control." He mutters. "But it's not been easy and it doesn't stop me wanting a drink." He shuffles a bit on the bench. "I'm sorry" He repeats. "I never realised how much it affected you back then. If I'd just told you..."
"You've told me now." I say softly.
He sits in silence for a minute. Then he says quietly: "I'm going to ask you some questions. All I want is an honest 'yes' or 'no' answer."
"Ok."
"You're divorced from Tom?"
"Yes"
"And you still love me?"
"Yes." I repeat.
"And you regret our divorce?"
"Yes." I repeat again.
"But...you don't have a time machine?"
I sit up. That one took me by surprise. The previous questions were all along a similar vein. "No. I don't have a time machine."
Dylan's quiet again for a while, thinking, but he does eventually speak again. "Well, I suppose we could ring Holby registry office and see when they have a space."