Many people, Sirius pondered, described his hair as black of various
shades. Jet, ink, Hogwarts robes, Severus' heart, and many others filled
the list. But Sirius himself by far preferred Remus's description, "Black
as shadows on the Forbidden Forest when there's no moon and the only stars
to guide you are within yourself." Not only did this cater shamelessly to
his pride—which, he admitted, was rather oversized—but also because of who
said it. The look in Remus's eyes as he'd touched his hair gently while
describing it, was etched in his memory. James had laughed and teased
Remus, and Peter had joined in the laughter, but when Sirius looked at his
blond friend over the heads of the other two, there was something different
in his eyes. Wonder, mayhap, or realization, but whatever it was, it
disappeared the moment they broke eye-contact.
That incident was not the first, nor the last, but it was the one that Sirius would never forget. It was in that moment that he recognized what he'd seen in Remus's eyes each time. And Sirius had been dying to confront him about it, but never had the chance.
In part, it was because of Severus, Remus' current lover and the other Marauder's long-standing enemy. Sirius was aware that Severus (or Sev, as Remus called him) and Remus loved each other, but this did not countenance the quickly hidden flash of fear each time Remus saw his boyfriend. if they loved each other so much, why was Remus afraid, and of what? True, the fact that he was going out with his previously forsworn enemy was enough to unnerve a fellow, but not frighten him. And so Sirius watched, waited, and fretted.
The other part, was a fear of Sirius's own. He and Remus were friends first, above all. Confessing something so large and profound as this might permanently damage their friendship if something went wrong, and Sirius was't sure he wanted to risk something he prized so dearly. Even the flashes he saw in Remus's eyes when they looked at each other weren't enough to convince Sirius that telling his friend how he felt was best. After all, he reasoned, what if it was something else entirely? Like mere comeraderie? Then everything would fall apart, and Sirius wasn't sure he could handle the consequences. In fact, he knew he couldn't. To lose Remus's trust was just something he couldn't do.
So he lived on in silent misery. He functioned, went to class, played pranks on other students (especially Sev), and generally lived life as before his frightening discovery. But Sirius was always aware of something missing. His mind was always on Remus in class, although he somehow managed to take passable notes; and James would definitely have noticed, had he not been so busy courting Lilly Evans.
In some ways, this was a relief for Sirius. James, his best friend, would otherwise have noticed and be constantly pestering him about what was wrong. His best friend's natural (if irritating) gift of guessing correctly as to what the problem was, would surely not fail him this time, and then there would be the knowing glances coming from James to handle besides his own rampant feelings. All the same, Sirius couldn't help feeling a little put out at James's oblivion to the world.
James may be off in another world, but someone else wasn't. Remus himself would surely notice Sirius's increasing awkwardness around him, try as the ravenheaded boy might to hide it. And therein lay yet another problem. If Remus noticed something, he might tell Severus. The Slytherin, hard as it was for Sirius to say, was definitely brilliant. If Remus told him, and he watched Sirius' behaviour himself, it wouldn't be so large a leap at all to realize what was going on with him. Severus was a decidedly skilled Potionsbrewer, and, if he put his mind to it (and he would, of a surety), he could definitely come up with some nasty concoction to accidentally slip Sirius in revenge. It was no secret that Severus was rather possessive when it came to Remus, and there was no doubt in Sirius's mind that the Slytherin would not hesitate tot debilitate him for a while, or make him fall in love with Professor Binns, or some other horrifying possibility.
Sirius was not a stupid boy, not by a long shot. After reviewing the problems he'd discovered, should he tell Remus, he decided it best to shut his trap and be normal. How wrong he was.
That incident was not the first, nor the last, but it was the one that Sirius would never forget. It was in that moment that he recognized what he'd seen in Remus's eyes each time. And Sirius had been dying to confront him about it, but never had the chance.
In part, it was because of Severus, Remus' current lover and the other Marauder's long-standing enemy. Sirius was aware that Severus (or Sev, as Remus called him) and Remus loved each other, but this did not countenance the quickly hidden flash of fear each time Remus saw his boyfriend. if they loved each other so much, why was Remus afraid, and of what? True, the fact that he was going out with his previously forsworn enemy was enough to unnerve a fellow, but not frighten him. And so Sirius watched, waited, and fretted.
The other part, was a fear of Sirius's own. He and Remus were friends first, above all. Confessing something so large and profound as this might permanently damage their friendship if something went wrong, and Sirius was't sure he wanted to risk something he prized so dearly. Even the flashes he saw in Remus's eyes when they looked at each other weren't enough to convince Sirius that telling his friend how he felt was best. After all, he reasoned, what if it was something else entirely? Like mere comeraderie? Then everything would fall apart, and Sirius wasn't sure he could handle the consequences. In fact, he knew he couldn't. To lose Remus's trust was just something he couldn't do.
So he lived on in silent misery. He functioned, went to class, played pranks on other students (especially Sev), and generally lived life as before his frightening discovery. But Sirius was always aware of something missing. His mind was always on Remus in class, although he somehow managed to take passable notes; and James would definitely have noticed, had he not been so busy courting Lilly Evans.
In some ways, this was a relief for Sirius. James, his best friend, would otherwise have noticed and be constantly pestering him about what was wrong. His best friend's natural (if irritating) gift of guessing correctly as to what the problem was, would surely not fail him this time, and then there would be the knowing glances coming from James to handle besides his own rampant feelings. All the same, Sirius couldn't help feeling a little put out at James's oblivion to the world.
James may be off in another world, but someone else wasn't. Remus himself would surely notice Sirius's increasing awkwardness around him, try as the ravenheaded boy might to hide it. And therein lay yet another problem. If Remus noticed something, he might tell Severus. The Slytherin, hard as it was for Sirius to say, was definitely brilliant. If Remus told him, and he watched Sirius' behaviour himself, it wouldn't be so large a leap at all to realize what was going on with him. Severus was a decidedly skilled Potionsbrewer, and, if he put his mind to it (and he would, of a surety), he could definitely come up with some nasty concoction to accidentally slip Sirius in revenge. It was no secret that Severus was rather possessive when it came to Remus, and there was no doubt in Sirius's mind that the Slytherin would not hesitate tot debilitate him for a while, or make him fall in love with Professor Binns, or some other horrifying possibility.
Sirius was not a stupid boy, not by a long shot. After reviewing the problems he'd discovered, should he tell Remus, he decided it best to shut his trap and be normal. How wrong he was.