!NOTE FROM LACHANCE!

This is a oneshot, done for Ovan21's birthday (very overdue, sorry Ovan!). It uses OC's from my other fix Child Of Sithis, and is not to be taken seriously… Please do not take this fix seriously… HAPPY VERY LATE BIRTHDAY, OVAN!

"So… erm… Serana, meet my surrogate family- the Dark Brotherhood."

Why could Xindal never take anyone back to meet his family? After venturing on a quest that led him to become a Vampire Lord, he'd practically abandoned the assassins guild, in place of helping the vampires in their quest to destroy the sun. None of his family had been too happy to see him back, let alone meet the woman who had kept him away from his duties to Sithis. They were all in a circle around him and his vampiric fiance, and were eyeing them warily, not sure if either were about to bite. Even Babette, the normally bouncing child vampire, looked mean. The girls were staring bitchily at Serana, eyeing up her choice in clothes and sniffing. Everybody heard Gabriella whisper, "What a pale and hideous complexion…" to Scarlett, who agreed in an even louder tone. Serana was looking at her feet awkwardly, trying not to make eye-contact.

The atmosphere was stiff with awkwardness and hatred.

Eventually, Xindal tried to break the aggressive silence by smiling widely at Astrid, his surrogate mother, who was giving the vampire standing next to him an expression that would curdle milk. Of course, as the mother of their "family", she had to hate every single spouse one of them took, for stealing her child. Although she was younger than most of them, she still tried to act like the mother of the family, although her only biological child was Scarlett.

"Well… Serana…" she practically bit off the name in an attempt to stay civil. Astrid smiled widely, displaying her slightly too sharp teeth. Several onlookers shuddered, and Scarlett ran off to get her mother her pills. This was going to be an interesting night. Spreading her arms wide, the Mistress of the Brotherhood thwacked Veezara in the head (accidentally, of course…) and he fell to the floor with a weak moan. "Welcome to the family, dearest."

More silence.

Eventually, Serana, trying to get her new family to warm to her a little, smiled warmly and laughed moving forwards to hug Astrid. The woman's hands quickly went to her dagger, and she made to stab her new "daughter-in-law" in the back, but was stopped by a shake of the head from Xindal. A look of slight fury appeared on her face, along with a disturbed look as Serana would not stop hugging her. For several minutes the hug went on, with everybody around them dispersing to do their own thing. At one point, Babette and Scarlett joined hands to sing "Ring around the Lesbians!", but even they, in their childish innocence, got bored and went to go pick flies apart. Finally, Serana let go and grinned widely.

"What a lovely hug. What's your scent? It's delicious." the vampire smiled. Astrid wondered silently whether she was actually smiling, or if her face had suffered some grotesque injury… or if she was just entirely insane. She was the first person, aside from Scarlett or Arnbjorn or Silvanus, to hug her that long without getting a knife in the back. Clenching and unclenching her hands, the woman poked her head around Serana to see if Xindal was still watching. He was. Irritated, Astrid fake smiled so widely her face hurt, and then ran off to bitch with Gabriella, Babette, and Scarlett. Occasionally, they'd look up from their little circle and laugh at the new addition to their family, then continue bitching. Festus, listening, burst out in wheezy cackles and went back over to Veezara, who by that point had an ice-pack on his head.

"Stupid Astrid…" Veezara mumbled in his harsh voice, rubbing the icepack (which could just be called a large block of ice wrapped in a bloodstained towel) on the bruise that he was certain was forming on his scaly head. Festus rolled his eyes in irritation.

"Quit moaning, you young whippersnapper!" the old man snapped. Then, a sly smile came onto his face. "I've been listening in, and they really are merciless!"

"Who?"

"Don't be stupid! Astrid and her little gang. They've picked apart Serana's dress, her makeup, her nose, her facial expression, her perfume, her shoes, her skin tone… I'm personally waiting for them to descend upon that poor woman and pick HER apart. Bit by bit. And roast her!"

The Argonian raised his eyes in amusement, to see that the group of girls had split apart, and Scarlett was heading in their direction. She was walking over to Silvanus, who was having his usual, daily fight with Arnbjorn, but Festus grabbed the girl by the shoulder and pulled her forcibly into the conversation. Leering in her face, the old man whispered,

"So, you don't think much of Xindal's new fiance, then?"

For a second, the girl scowled, then shrugged her shoulder out of Festus' grasp. Flicking her eyes from side to side, Scarlett beckoned both of them in closer, and with the telltale breath that meant she was going to be talking for a long time, and very fast, she said, "Well, she's too happy. That's my only problem with her- she's smiling so much she looks like her face might explode, and-"

"It's not your place to say that," Silvanus butted into the conversation, shaking his head at Scarlett who scowled at him. He gave Serana a flirtatious look and she, after dithering for a second, returned it. "I personally think she seems quite nice…"

Everybody in the sanctuary groaned.

Festus and Veezara walked off, shaking their heads in disgust at Silvanus, who started chatting to Scarlett about the best way to get blood off your sword. The old man shook his head at the Argonian, staring back at Silvanus in slight irritation. "Personally, I thought he was gay." the wizard said, before leaving the Argonian alone to wonder, really, whether Silvanus did play for the other side. Hmmm…

"So Serana, what do you think of my family?" Xindal said to his fiance, smiling hopefully. He'd pulled her over to a corner of the sanctuary, away from the other's prying eyes. He got the impression that they really didn't like her; but maybe it was just him being sensitive about introducing her for the first time? Astrid had been alright- after the incident with the dagger, she had smiled, hadn't she? Although it had looked a little forced, maybe he was wrong… But his fiance kissed him gently and smiled.

"Oh they seem like…" the vampire paused for a second, trying to think of a word that did not make her sound like she was absolutely terrified of these freaks. "An… interesting bunch!" she finished, sounding as cheery as she could. For a second, she thought Xindal was going to cry from the look on his face, but soon he grinned widely, lifting her up in the air and swinging her around.

"That… that's great news!" he gushed, putting her down and hugging her. "I didn't know if you liked them or not…"

On the other side of the room, Babette vomited profusely into the pool.

A few seconds later, Nazir emerged from the dining room with a huge gong. Smashing it as hard as he could with his drumstick, he shouted, "Dinner is served!"

Slowly, the assassins made their way through to the dining room, avoiding Xindal and Serana as much as they could and leaving a good two metre square between the happy couple and themselves.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"So Serana, what do you do for a living?" Arnbjorn said, trying to get the conversation started. Although he was usually the one who sat in the corner and scowled at meals, even he felt like talking. How could it be a meal without him getting in a fight with Silvanus for talking too loud? It wouldn't feel right for anyone. And a fight like that could not start without someone talking. So in a typical fatherly tone, he smiled widely at Serana, taking a whole chicken in his hands and biting into it cheerily. He, at least, was enjoying having this beautiful young woman around.

For a second, Serana looked nervously at all of them, trying her best to look positive amongst the scowls, rude gestures, and a note from Gabriella passed under the table promising her death. She'd taken it as a joke, and had laughed loudly, but from the deadly serious looks the Dunmer was giving her, she had a hunch the woman was not joking. She was sitting at the head of the table, in a seat next to Xindal, opposite Astrid and Arnbjorn at the other end of the table. Although Astrid and Arnbjorn were sitting together, as they had always done, nobody could help noticing the flirtatious exchanges Astrid and Silvanus, with the look on Arnbjorn's face turning stormy. There was going to be a fight any second, they could all feel it, and Scarlett was smiling evilly in anticipation.

"Well…" Serana began, and every single head, originally pointing at Silvanus, Astrid and Arnbjorn, whipped round to stare at her as one, all wide-eyed. "Erm…" Gabriella was passing pieces of paper to her under the table again, and she was trying her hardest to ignore it. "I… well…" Babette left the room and got her pet spider, and began stroking it threateningly, glaring right at her. "Basically, I…" Babette was now riding her frostbite spider around the room, staring straight into her deadly eyes with an evil glare.

"Serana's a princess, aren't you, dearest?" Xindal covered, putting an arm around his beloved. Everyone pulled faces and made noises of disgust, before turning back and nodding. Nazir raised his eyebrows at her.

"What, so you live in a castle? Are you rich?" he asked bluntly, taking a forkful of chicken into his mouth. At the word rich everybody smiled at her and the atmosphere immediately became warm. Everybody loved a rich person in the family, especially on birthdays and at Christmas.

"Well… My father died recently you see, he was a Vampire Lord…"

"To the Vampire Lord rich bitch!" Astrid yelled loudly, and they all held up their glasses in a toast with loud cries of joy. Serana laughed anxiously as they all began to tuck into their food, and tried again, wanting to put them right. She wasn't RICH, she really wasn't, although she did live in a castle…

"No… not really, it was more of a family castle, passed on through thousands of years…"

"To the bitch with the rich family!" another toast, made by Festus this time, and they all cheered joyously before tucking into their meals again. They all liked Serana considerably more… mostly because of the fact she was rich, in their little minds. Serana, very annoyed by this point, tried to interrupt them again, in an attempt to put them straight. Xindal had his head in his hands and Gabriella had sent her another note apologising for threatening to kill her.

"Really, I'm not rich at all- I'm part of a cult that lives in this castle and although my father was the Vampire King, we really have no money… It's a vampire castle! All of the Vampire Lords live there and-"

"To the bitch with the rich cult!" It was Babette who made the toast this time, and they all cheered so loudly that the roof practically came off. Serana, so aggravated she couldn't even pretend she liked these… these IDIOTS anymore, screamed at the top of her lungs,

"I'm not rich!"

Silence.

Every eye in the room was on her. Every eye was furious. Still staring at her, the assassins left their seats and dispersed, eyes not leaving her even as they walked up the stairs; Scarlett walked backwards just to keep watching the woman. Eventually, only Xindal, Astrid, Silvanus, and Serana were left in the room, staring at each other awkwardly. What was there to say? Astrid, who had decided to pretend to like Serana for Xindal's sake, had to restrain Silvanus from getting up and leaving; he was staring daggers at the vampire woman. Xindal had his head in his hands, Serana was looking at her feet, and Astrid was trying to look anywhere but at the couple across from her. Eventually, she grabbed Silvanus by the collar and whispered, "Fake smiles, fake smiles…" to him. For a second there was a pause. Then, as one, the two of them turned with slightly terrifying smiles to Serana and Xindal, who both leaned backwards.

"What a delightful evening," Silvanus said brightly.