A/N: Been workin' on this for a while.

1 of 2 chapters

Warnings: self-harm, depression, panic attacks

Chapter 1

No one knew, because Haru didn't talk about it.

Nanase Haruka wasn't good at talking, but everyone knew that. Everyone knew that he was quiet, that he rarely spoke more than a few sentences at one time, and they were okay with that. Because that was how he had always been. Because Nagisa and Rin spoke enough to make up for that fact. Because he was quiet and preferred to listen and only spoke more when he was asked direct questions from Makoto or Rin. So how would they know, when he didn't say anything about it? He was a little quieter. Nothing new. School was busy. Swim Club was busy. They were all a little stressed and so they just figured Haruka's translated into becoming even quieter than normal. No one knew.

Nanase Haruka was hurting, and he was hurting bad.

The cold of the bath crept through his skin, but he made no motion to get out or drain the water. Instead, Haru continued to stare at his knees with unfocused eyes. Makoto would tell him off. Especially when he found out just how cold the water was. But at the moment, Haru didn't care. He didn't care that his hands were trembling gently under the water or that every so often a shiver wracked his frame.

The cold water distracted him. It calmed him. He took a deep, shuddering breathe. His lungs protested, but he sank down deeper into his bath. The ice cold water came up to his neck and each breathe he forced into his body hurt. But he didn't move. Instead, he clenched his aching fingers together and stared at the tap.

Every couple seconds a droplet of water fell from the metal faucet with a soft plunk. Usually he was bothered by it. Not now. Instead, he watched it dazedly, focusing on its progress to the bath and how it caused minute ripples to dance until it hit the edges of the porcelain tub.

Anything to keep him from thinking. He didn't want to drown, because if he started thinking he wouldn't be able to stop and would drown himself in his own mind. So instead he let himself slide under the water's freezing surface. He had to curl in on himself to stay completely submerged – the bath was too small to stretch out – but he was okay with that.

He turned his head towards the surface of the bath and slowly opened his eyes.

The light filtering in through the bathroom window warped as it danced across the surface of the water. The blurry shapes of the tile wall swam and swayed. He didn't blink, even as the raw cold bit at his eyes. He exhaled and watched the bubbles float to the surface.

What would it be like to never surface?

Haru finally forced himself to sit up, taking in a deep breathe. Air rushed into his body, hot and uncomfortable, and he wished he could have stayed there floating. It had been peaceful. But he was shivering now and if Makoto chose this time to stop by, he would surely tell him off. He slowly stood from the bathtub, legs trembling gently. His muscles screamed as he stretched but he paid no mind to it. Instead he grabbed a towel and dried off stiffly.

He was already warming up, limbs move easier. Once he was dry enough, he tossed the towel into the hamper and padded across to his room to get ready for school. For once he would be ready by the time Makoto came to check on him. Makoto would be proud.

He didn't want to put his clothes on over wet jammers so instead he headed downstairs and into the kitchen to make himself breakfast. He pulled on his apron and focused on the task of grilling a piece of mackerel for himself. Haru was so focused on the sound of the sizzling fish that he nearly missed the clatter of his front door opening and the call of his name.

The fish continued to sizzle. He stared at it blankly, spatula held several inches above the pan. He noticed it was shaking gently and quickly braced it on the griddle, flipping the fish a moment later.

"Haru, you're out of the bath!" Makoto said from behind him, evidently shocked. Haru gave a small nod but didn't turn around, focusing on his food. It was nearly done. "We might be on time today." The sound of rustling clothing and a small 'oof' told Haru that Makoto had settled down on the floor beside the low table.

It only took Haruka a minute more before he had finished cooking his breakfast. Once he had placed it on a plate he settled down across from Makoto, green eyes meeting blue as the brunet smiled at him like he always did. But as Haru started to eat his meal, concern entered those bright, kind eyes and the smile slipped from his lips a little bit.

"Haru, are you okay?" he asked.

"Mm," he answered with a nod.

"You're quieter than normal this morning," Makoto went on, cocking his head to the side.

Haru stayed silent for a few beats, debating what to say to his best friend. He didn't want to worry him. He didn't want to put any more pressure on the brunet. "Tired," he supplied and met Makoto's gaze. He was met with a sympathetic look and an understanding nod in return.

"Did you stay up too late? You know you should get more sleep after we have hard practices," Makoto hummed, eating a bit of his best friend's rice absently.

"Had to finish homework," he said with a small shrug. The taller boy beamed at him, although he still looked a little annoyed that he had stayed up late enough to make himself tired. Makoto was like a parent, so very proud when their child did all of their work. The dark-haired boy got to his feet and rinsed his dishes. "Be back."

Makoto hummed in response, stretching out his shoulders. Maybe he was sore. With one last glance at the brunet, in which he allowed his gaze to wander (just a little), Haruka left the room to go get dressed and grab his school bag. Today would be another long day of classes.

As he headed back downstairs he took a deep, steadying breathe. Act normal. Normal Haruka. Calm. He repeated these words under his breath until he stood in the entrance to the living room and looked over at Makoto. The tall boy glanced over and smiled then got to his feet and walked to him.

"Ready to go?" he asked Haru, who nodded.

Together they pulled on shoes and headed to school.

Haruka was right: it was another long day of classes. But thankfully when they were over and he had finished homeroom duties, he could head down to the pool. He headed down before Makoto, since the brunet was stuck talking to one of their classmates about some homework assignment, and found that he was the first to reach the pool.

Without waiting for the rest of his team, or for Ama-chan-sensei (still back in homeroom with Makoto), he dropped his bag unceremoniously on the floor in the locker rooms, stripped off his clothes and headed towards the pool. Diving into the water was like taking the first breathe of air after holding it for a long period of time.

He felt himself relax, the tension leaving his body, and let his mind wander. Keeping his eyes closed he floated on his back, drifting aimlessly.

"Haru-chan, you're supposed to wait for us!" Nagisa's voice broke through the surface of the water and reached his ears. He opened his eyes and straightened, letting his feet touch the bottom of the pool. Shaking his hair from his face, he looked over to the edge to see Nagisa and Rei standing, still with their bags slung across their shoulders. Haru simply shrugged.

"Haruka-senpai, he is right," Rei piped up and straightened his glasses.

"Come on, Haru. Out of the pool. I want to talk to everyone," came Makoto's voice from behind the two second years and they turned to look at their captain. Haru sighed softly, not wanting to leave the comforting embrace of the water, but swam to the edge anyway and allowed Makoto to help hoist him from the pool. Just for Makoto, he thought to himself. The brunet offered him a small smile before turning to Nagisa and Rei. "Okay, let's get ready. I have a few things to say and then we can start practice."

"Yes sir!" Nagisa said with unnecessary flourish and volume, saluting their swim captain before running off to the locker room. Rei followed him quickly, yelping something about running near the pool being unsafe.

"We'll just wait for Gou-kun and Ama-chan-sensei, then we can get going," Makoto said to Haruka. It seemed that he had dropped off his things in the locker room before joining them in the first place. He stretched his shoulders and arched his back.

"Mm," Haru murmured.

He couldn't help it. He watched as the muscles in his best friend's back pulled and slid smoothly under his skin. How his back arched and curved so beautifully. Sometimes he wanted to touch that skin, that back. Feel the way Makoto was built, explore how he was put together. When did Makoto become so…so…

And then Gou and Ama-chan-sensei arrived, Ama-chan-sensei with a blue and white parasol today, and interrupted his thoughts. He was dropped back into reality and he didn't like it. He would rather just float, sink, daydream. Haru didn't want to think.

Thankfully, though, Makoto's speech was short and then they were practicing and he was back in the water.

"Have you spoken to any of the scouts yet, Haruka-senpai?" Rei asked during a short break midway through practice, looking at Haru where he was sitting on the edge of the pool, legs submerged in the water. Blue eyes widened momentarily and he hunched his shoulders, kicking his feet.

"Mm," he replied noncommittally, gazing at the ripples his legs created on the surface of the pool.

"He still has time," Nagisa chirped, settling down beside Haruka. "Right, Haru-chan? You have plenty of time to figure out which one you wanna go to. You have so many choices! It won't be easy will it?"

Stop talking, please just stop talking. Please go back to swimming, I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about it. That's not what I want. Not what I want. That's what Rin wants. I'm not Rin, have you forgotten that? He's the one with the dreams… Haru thought, trying his best to not allow the despair and panic overcome him. He focused once more on his feet. Instead of answering Nagisa, he simply hummed and slipped back into the water with a snap of his goggles.

He felt Rei and Nagisa watching his progress to the other side of the pool. He knew they were still watching even when he ducked under, swimming hard, trying to reach the other end in one breathe. Leave it alone, why can't you leave it alone? That's not what I want. Why can't you see that?

"Hey, Haru…" Makoto's voice was gentle as they walked home that evening after practice. Haru cocked his head to show he was listening but didn't say anything and focused on his steps instead. "Are you okay?"

The dark-haired boy chanced a glance at his friend and found Makoto watching him carefully. The concern was evident in those green eyes. He wished he wouldn't look at him like that. Stop… It made him feel guilty. For worrying his best friend. Makoto worried too much as it was.

"Mhm," he said, focusing his eyes back onto the ground several meters before him. A dandelion was pushing its way out through a crack in the cement walkway. Even the flower has a future…

"You've been really quiet recently," Makoto continued. "Is there something bothering you? Is it school related?"

Haru shook his dark head.

"Club related? Or is it personal?" Makoto prodded.

"I'm fine, Makoto," he murmured, looking over at his friend. He caught his eye and stared at him unblinkingly. For a moment blue eyes bore into green and then the taller blinked and smiled. "Lots of things to do. That's all." Makoto nodded in understanding. They continued walking, now in silence, until they reached the steps that led towards the Tachibana residence. This was Makoto's stop.

"See you tomorrow, Haru," his friend said and parted ways. Haru continued up the path to his house. The house that sat alone and quiet and cold. Except, he was glad that his parents weren't here, because they would undoubtedly add their voices to those already saying things like: We've got high expectations; You have so much talent; You'll go far. They would undoubtedly add to the already crippling pressure weighing down onto his shoulders.

He stood in the foyer for a long time, in a daze, before kicking off his shoes and heading upstairs to work on homework.

Haru stared blankly at the blood welling up from the cut his razor had created on his thigh. He hadn't meant to, truly. He just hadn't been paying enough attention while he shaved (like most swimmers, he engaged in regularly shaving most body hair) and the blades had bit into his skin.

It wasn't a big cut. It wasn't even that much blood. But he couldn't help but stare as a droplet finally trickled down his leg. It turned pink as it was washed away by the water of the shower. Slowly, as if he wasn't even aware he was doing it, he reached towards it and carefully dug his nail into the cut, pressing deep until pain tickled his leg and more blood welled up around his finger. He let out a shaky gasp.

"What are you doing?" he whispered to himself and dropped his hand, turning into the spray of the shower. He let the water wash away any blood that oozed from the cut and finished shaving. And when he stepped out from under the shower, the cut had already stopped bleeding.

But he couldn't forget the feeling of his thumb pressing into the cut, of the blissful white that filled his mind for a few seconds at the initial pain, where all his worries and concerns and fears about… everything… had simply vanished.

It was the first time.

But it wasn't the last.

No one knew Nanase Haruka was hurting bad, and no one knew that he was hurting himself because of it.

It was a reoccurring dream. Tonight wasn't the first time he had had it, but each time he awoke with panicked breathes and a cold sweat covering his body. And then he would rise and pad to the bathroom, tossing his clothes onto the floor uncaringly, and draw himself a bath and sink into the ice cold water and sit there all alone.

The cold water forced him to breathe brokenly, gasping and wheezing but he never got out until his teeth were chattering and his fingers were white and shaking and his lips were blue. It was his punishment for having that dream; a simple distraction. And when that didn't work, he moved to the shower instead and turned it on hot until his skin was pink and burning, and let the razor bite into his skin, drawing blood. Then he would dig in his fingers and grasp at the blissful white that filled his mind and heart.

And he knew he was sinking further and further, but he had never felt so damn peaceful.

He was glad that his jammers covered most of his legs. His thighs at the very least. Haru would shower with them on, like always, feeling the sting of the hot water seeping through the skintight suit, clinging against the cuts. And he relished in it. If he was able to give himself at least one second of white, he would. But most of the time the others were in the showers as well and he had no chance to press a finger against his leg hard and uncaring.

Makoto had noticed something was wrong.

"Haru," he said after practice one night. "Wait for me?" He was still pulling on his sneakers. Haru cocked his head to the side then nodded. He always waited for Makoto. Why wouldn't he. But Makoto had asked, so he settled down on the bench, watching his best friend absently.

"See you Mako-chan, Haru-chan!" Nagisa said loudly, giving a small wave. He grabbed Rei's arm and dragged him out of the locker room.

"Makoto-senpai, Haruka-senpai, good night!" Rei said before he was bodily removed from the room. Haru and Makoto both responded with 'goodbye' and Haruka watched as the two second years disappeared from view.

Makoto straightened, having finished tying his shoe. Haru moved to stand as well. "Wait," the taller boy said and Haru blinked up at him blankly, confused, but stayed seated anyway. The brunet paused, then settled down next to Haru on the bench. "Something's wrong."

"What?" Haruka asked, staring at his friend. Makoto's eyes were filled with concern – fear? – and for a moment Haru was distracted with just how strong his friend's jaw was. He was a very handsome young man. Why had it taken the dark-haired swimmer so long to realize it?

"With you. Something's wrong and you're not telling me," he said heavily, staring down at his hands. Haru looked away, please don't ask me, please don't ask me, and stared at the lockers in front of him. "I'm worried."

"Nothing's wrong," he answered stubbornly. "I'm fine."

"No you aren't, Haru," Makoto murmured. "You're not okay. I can tell that you're not okay."

"I'm fine," Haru said again, harsher than before, flatter and harder. Makoto actually flinched beside him but didn't back down. He raised his head and looked at the dark-haired swimmer. Haru could just see him doing so out of the corner of his eye.

Makoto was quiet for a very long time and Haru finally turned to look at him again, wondering if somehow the brunet had left him without his notice. But Makoto was still sitting beside him, frowning at him. Haru opened his mouth to speak, but the brunet cut him off.

"I spoke to Rin. He's noticed there's something wrong and he's worried too…"

He tensed. No. Why? No, don't do that. The black-haired boy stood up swiftly. "About what?" he asked the wall. He hadn't realized he was shaking until he clenched his fists together.

"About you, Haru," Makoto said. "Something is wrong and you won't talk to either of us! And I know you haven't spoken to Nagisa or Rei or Gou either. You don't have to deal with this by yourself."

Haru's mouth felt very dry. He swallowed hard. Yes I do. This isn't your problem. You have a future. Rin has a future. You have dreams. "I'm fine." No I'm not but I can't talk to you I can't burden you with this this is not yours this is mine I can't hurt you my future (what future?) is mine my dreams (what dreams?) are mine why am I so pathetic… why am I broken… "I'm not dealing with anything. I don't have anything to talk about."

Makoto stood up swiftly and grabbed Haruka's arm, a little harder than he probably intended to do, but dragged him around all the same. Haru stumbled and fell against the lockers, eyes wide as he stared up at his friend. Makoto never acted like this. This was more like Rin. Rin did this sort of thing. Rin had the short temper, he was the one who would've dragged Haru around.

But it wasn't the redhead who stood before him. It really was Makoto. And those green eyes were narrowed into thin slits and filled with worry and concern and anger. The brunet was furious. Haru felt him shaking. And when he spoke, he expected the taller to yell. But he didn't. And he really wished he did yell. It would've made everything so much easier to deal with. So much easier to brush off.

"You're lying to me and I know it," he whispered and his voice was shaking just like his hands. "Don't lie to me, Haru. Don't lie to me. D-don't." And he bowed his head, shoulders shaking. "You're my best friend. Don't… don't fucking shut me out. Don't you trust me?"

Haru's eyes widened when he heard Makoto curse. The brunet never cursed. What was he doing, why was he acting like this? No, stop! He felt Makoto drop his forehead onto his shoulder, continuing to shake.

"Please, Haru," Makoto murmured.

A dull chill ran through Haru's body as he felt his friend's lips move. He could feel it through his shirt, the way Makoto's lips danced over his shoulder as he whimpered. But Haru couldn't speak. He couldn't work his mouth. He opened and closed it several times, unsure what to do, not able to say anything.

Makoto's hands were still clutching at his arms and it hurt. Those strong fingers were biting into his muscles but he didn't say anything or move to shake him off. He simply stared over his friend's head at the lockers across the room and mouthed stupidly as his mind reeled in panic. And the dreams came flooding back.

It had just been a dream, so why was it so vivid? "We're expecting great things from you, too!" Why, why do you expect great things? I'm nothing! "Swim already." I can't. Not for them, not for you, not for anyone. It had just been a dream, why was it making him freeze up and panic? I can't anymore. Why am I swimming? "Swim now and show us!" Haruka's trembling had grown, and now it was like he had been dowsed with cold water. He really wish he had; he would've liked that better. Instead, his mind was racing and I've disappointed you, I'm sorry Makoto. I'm not anything why do you expect things from me I can't do anything. Haru couldn't get his mouth to work. A soft whimper escaped his lips and Makoto finally raised his head to look at him with concern.

He needed to stop these thoughts stop stOP STOPbecause he felt like he was going to pass out. He couldn't breathe. His lungs had decided to fight against him. He simply could not force air into his body. So he stopped trying to figure out what to do and just did.

And before he knew it, he had grabbed Makoto's head with both hands and kissed him hard.

It worked. For a few seconds it worked, it distracted him and his mind was blissfully blank. A strong shudder went through his body and he pressed into Makoto's surprised lips, biting and licking and sucking.

The brunet was completely slack and yielding to him and he moved them, forcing the taller up against the lockers instead. And finally Haru could take a deep, shuddering gasp, lips still against Makoto's. His head spun at the oxygen, panting open-mouthed before pressing against him again. He could feel his friend trembling against him. This works let me do this let me use you Makoto.

When Makoto moved, Haruka didn't expect it.

He didn't know what he thought his best friend would do, getting kissed so passionately, so unexpectedly, but he didn't expect the reaction he was given. Makoto grabbed his shoulders and pushed him away, panicked and shaking and much too hard and Haru found himself tumbling to the ground. He caught himself on his wrists and the shock sent shudders of sharp pain through his arms.

He was still panting hard as he sat on the ground before the brunette, making no move to get up. Instead he slowly raised his head and looked up at his childhood friend. What he saw horrified him.

Makoto was staring down at him, his green eyes impossibly wide. His cheeks were dusted red, but Haruka figured that was more from start and lack of oxygen than embarrassment, because the look in his eyes was not embarrassment. He didn't know what it was. Don't hate me Makoto please don't I didn't mean to oh god what have I done. He was covering his lips with the back of his hand and when he finally dropped it to hang limply at his side Haru saw that they were swollen.

"H-Haru?" he choked out.

No.

"Haru?"

I didn't do that.

"Please, speak to me."

No.

"I-I'm not…not mad."

No.

No not mad.

You're disgusted.

I'm disgusting.

What have I done?

Haru could hear Makoto speaking to him, but he couldn't make sense of the words. It sounded like waves against the shore. No. He blinked, but he couldn't see properly.

A hand fell onto his shoulder and he slapped it away, staggering to his feet. It felt like it burned.

No.

Don't touch me.

Pathetic. Disgusting. Dreamless. Useless.

He wasn't aware that he was running, but he knew he had run into the doorframe by the throbbing pain in his shoulder.

"Haruka!"

Was that Makoto? Did he shout after him? But the dark-haired boy didn't stop, didn't turn back, he just kept running. His ears were filled with the rushing of his blood and the gasping of his breathe and his head spun but he couldn't stop running. Not now.