Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to the senshi, the sailor moon story, or the characters. Everything is copyright Naoko Takeuchi and will always be. Please do not redistribute, sell or reproduce this in any way. There will be no money made on this story. Thank you.
-Sasha-
LOVE AT DEATH'S DIVIDE
Chapter 1: For the Love of Lightning
She thought about it constantly. Whenever she got up, whenever she went to the kitchen, when she went to bed, whenever there was passing period between classes. It was always on her mind. The urge to cut. Her school work was piled atop her desk, and her grades were shit. She hadn't been to a cram class in months and THEY were worried about her.
They. Tsukino Usagi, Aino Minako, Kino Makoto, and Hino Rei. Her best friends. The inner senshi and fellow sailor scouts. All wondering what was wrong with her. Always getting the same answer out of her lately. NOTHING. She knew what was wrong with her. No one understood her, she was always alone all the time, and no one bothered to be her friend. The senshi were, but they just didn't understand and she didn't know how to tell them. Oh, and she was in love with her best friend. Kino Makoto, the sailor scout of Jupiter. Makoto's green eyes, Ami found, she could fall into if she stared long enough. She'd never get the chance though. Mako didn't like her like that. As far as she knew anyway. She thought about it some more. Tired, crying and upset she pulled out the sharp knife from the top drawer she kept just in case of emergencies like this. She sat it on the table and locked the doors. She closed the curtains, lit some candles, and sat back down. She hit play on the CD player on the table. Kyo's voice started coming out of the speakers and she sighed. This was what she wanted. These intimate moments with herself. She brought the knife up to her arm thinking about how shitty she always felt. When the knife bit into her skin, she hissed at the sudden pain and sighed. It always felt better after this. 'This is the life.' She thought to herself. 'This is what life is made up of.' The blood dripped on the table and she smiled. This is what she always wanted.
There came a knock at the door. 'What now?' she thought
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" she yelled at the door. She went into the bathroom and grabbed a towel to wrap around her arm hoping to stop the blood.
"Ami it's us. Can we come in?" Usagi asked.
"JUST A MINUTE." Ami yelled as she searched around for her blue beaded bracelets. They always did this to her. Coming over as she was having her moment of happiness. "Goddammit." She yelled at herself. "Why me? FUCK." She said frustrated.
"Ami are you done yet?" Usagi repeated.
"NO! I SAID HOLD ON A MINUTE." She bellowed. She found her bracelets, put away the knife, cleaned up the table and unlocked the door. "COME IN!" she yelled as she rushed to the couch.
"Hey Ami. We dropped by to talk to you. We're worried about you and wonder what has been going on with you lately. So talk." Usagi explained.
"How long did it take you to rehearse that Usagi? I'm fine guys really. There isn't a thing wrong with me." Ami lied.
"Bullshit. You move out of your moms house unexpectedly, get a job randomly, your school work is piled over on that desk, you haven't been to cram school and we haven't seen you at the study sessions. Something is wrong Ami and I want to know what it is. Now tell us." Makoto said in a huff.
'It's your fault, Makoto. But you wouldn't understand that would you? You don't like me like I like you.' Ami thought with a smug smile. Aloud she said, "I don't want to talk about it right now so will you all please leave me alone?"
Rei glanced down at her arm. The bracelets had moved downward. "Ami-Chan, something is wrong. You can't hide it from me. I know what your aura looks like. And I've seen THEM. Your aura has black angry streaks running through the shiny blue. What is wrong?" Rei sighed. "I know what's wrong but either I tell them or you do. The choice is yours. I suggest you tell them."
Ami gave out a frustrated sigh. "Tomorrow. I'll tell you all tomorrow. Okay?"
Rei sighed. "Fine. Well be here about the same time tomorrow. Ami don't do it again. Cause some day I will catch you." Rei told her. They shuffled out of there.
Usagi leaned against the railing of the stairs. "What's wrong with her Rei? You seem to know."
"Odango atama she said she'd tell us tomorrow. So just wait." Rei said.
"No Rei. We're all a team. Tell us. I'm worried about her. I mean…..never mind." Makoto looked away blushing.
"What is it Makoto? Why the hell are you blushing?" Rei smiled at her.
"It's nothing. Just a little school girl crush." Makoto said. Her cheeks turned redder.
"You don't mean..." Usagi stammered.
"Yep. Makoto is in love with Ami." Minako laughed. "Gee why didn't you tell us sooner? I find nothing wrong with it…..but that's because me and Rei are together." Rei smiled at her and put her arms around Minako's waste. "I do know what the problem is….I'm just not sure I should say anything before she does." Rei sighed. "If you all don't say anything to her that we know…..then I'll tell you. That means you Odango."
Usagi stuck her tongue out at Rei and shook her head. "I will."
"Alright. Ami has developed a bad habit. She's cutting herself and I know why. She's in love with Mako-chan. She has been for awhile." Rei sighed. "She feels alienated and alone. If Mako-chan can't recognize her then she sees that no one else will either. So she decided to cut herself to get rid of the pain inside. I knew it today when I saw her cuts. You know those bracelets she's always wearing?"
Everyone shook their heads.
"They hide her cuts and scars. So that's it's."
"How do you know she likes me Rei?" Makoto asked.
"Because of the way she has been staring at you lately. I think this whole crush thing for her started when you first became a senshi or maybe sooner. I don't know but I would appreciate it if you all wouldn't say anything to her. This is her battle and I'd like to hear it from her first." Rei looked at Usagi. "That means you."
"Geez Rei you think I'm going to blab to the whole world. I won't. It's her secret. But why is she cutting herself? That really gets me. I mean when did she start it and why?" Usagi looked at them all worried.
"Well I'd say a few months ago. I noticed how she wasn't doing so well and was alienating herself from everyone and everything. I didn't think she'd be the type. I mean, she has school, she has a mom who cares deeply for her, she has so much going for her and she threw it down the tubes. Depression is a nasty think. I just hope she can get over it soon."
Minako sighed. "I knew it was going on I just didn't know what to do. Now I feel responsible for not telling you all sooner."
Rei took mina in her arms and stroked her hair. "Its not your fault or any of our faults. It just happened. Don't feel so bad Minako. You didn't do it."
"Yeah mina" Mako-chan and Usagi said together.
"So what do we do now?" Mako-chan asked.
"We wait until tomorrow. And see what she has to say. Mako-chan I want you to be as understanding as possible cause I have a feeling she's going to spill it all." Rei looked at her. "Can you promise me that you won't freak out?"
"Yeah. Besides I kinda like her too. I mean, I always kind of have." Makoto shuffled her feet and stared down at her shoes. "I wouldn't mind asking Ami-chan on a date. I think I'm in love with her." Mako-chan smiled."I think she's cute."
'I never thought it would happen' she thought. 'How does Rei know?' Ami thought back to that day and how her arm felt exposed somehow. 'Oh my goodness. The bracelets must have slipped down. Fuck. Why does it always happen to me?' she sighed. She went back to the kitchen and grabbed the knife again. 'Here goes nothing.' She slipped the knife into her hand and sliced her arm open again. Her breath went out in a hiss and she sighed. It always felt so good. How could Rei ruin it for her? They wouldn't care if it weren't for her. 'It's all Reis fault.' Ami thought 'If she hadn't told them to come over they wouldn't have. How dare her.' She looked at how much blood was welling up and sighed. This one would probably need something more than a towel wrapped around it. This is what happened when she was stressed. 'I hate them sometimes.' She thought. 'I really do. I don't understand why they interfere. Why bother? I'm not much.' She went to her room and lay down. 'This blows. I hate myself sometimes.' She thought. 'Fuck it. I'm tired.' She turned out her light and went to bed.
Morning came and Ami crawled out of bed. She went to her closet to pick out what she wanted to wear. She had no plan on going to school today so she settled on a blue skirt and a light blue top. 'Why bother. I'm failing anyway.' She thought. Someone knocked on the door. 'Oh great. They have come to take me to school. Why the fuck is it always me?' she went to the door and opened it. Makoto was standing there.
"Ami, are you ready for school." Makoto asked her.?
"I'm not going." She replied
"why not? I need you there." Makoto sighed. "We need you there."
"Why? It's not like I do anything when I am there. Besides I'm falling behind more and more and I just give up." Ami glared at her.
"Come on Ames. Please? For me?" Makoto pleaded.
'I'd do anything for you, if you'd just make me yours.' She thought. "Fine let me get changed. "She went to her room and changed into her uniform. 'Why do I let her do this to me? Oh wait. It's because I'm in love with her and she'll never know.' she made a noise and came back to the living room. "Let's go." Ami said.
"Okay. Hey Ami. You look cute today." Mako-chan commented.
'Yeah right. I'm ugly and nasty looking. If I was cute you'd date me already.' Ami thought to herself. "Thanks Mako-chan. You don't look half bad yourself." Ami said.
"Thanks Ami." Makoto smiled to herself.
They walked down the steps and to the stop sign. They found Rei, Minako, and Usagi there.
"Thanks for the ambush guys." Ami said sarcastically.
"Oh Ami don't act like this please?" Usagi pleaded. "We just want you there with us. We miss you a lot. I mean you're our best friend. And since Rei had to switch schools it's hard for her. We want you to make it as a doctor. And we want to help you."
Ami sighed. Rei had told them. She knew it. So to make everyone happy she spilled it all. "Help me with what? There isn't anything I need help with. I don't care anymore Usagi. What's the use? Why should I? The one person I'm in love with doesn't love me back, my grades are failing and this," she pulled up her sleeve. "Will hurt me in the end. What kind of doctor has cuts and scars on her arms? Hmm? Tell me that."
Usagi sighed. "Oh Ami. Why? We care about you. Some of us more than you know."
Makoto looked at Usagi and smiled weakly. "Ami, come over to my place after school. And try this time with your school work. If you do you'll get a great reward after school. Okay? And all that work you have piled up I'll help you with." Makoto smiled at her. "Please try, for me?"
"Okay Mako-chan. But there better be a good reason for this." Ami sighed.
"There will be. I promise." Makoto went to her gave her a hug and kissed her cheek.
Ami looked at her stunned. Something was going on and she wanted to know what it was. She had no idea what was going to happen now.
They arrived at juuban high and walked inside. Everyone looked at Ami when she walked in. 'oh great. Here it comes. Everyone wondering where I was for their sake. Great' she rolled her eyes and walked in.
"Hey look the fifth of the infamous five is back." Screamed some kid. The infamous five. Usagi was always in the middle, Ami and Mako-chan on her right and Rei and Minako on her left. Only this time Minako and Rei were holding hands.
'Why can't I have that with Mako-chan?' she thought. Makoto was looking at her. When she caught Ami staring back she looked away and blushed.
"Hey guys I have to get going to the drama department." Minako said.
"Alright. I love you Minako." Rei said and kissed her. Minako scampered off and
Ami broke apart from the rest to go down the advanced classes' hall. "Bye guy advanced calculus is that way." She said.
"Later Ami. Remember what I said. Please." Makoto told her, her eyes full of a deep worry.
"I will. I will." She replied and ran off.
"Good way to play it Makoto. You really do care about her don't you?" Rei asked her.
"Yeah I do. That's why I haven't dated anyone since I got here. Because I fell in love with her." Makoto smiled. "She is my one. I just wish she would realize that."
"Aww Mako-chan that is so cute." Usagi looked at her. "You two would be cute together."
"Thanks Usagi." Makoto replied. "I have to get going or I'll be late. I'll catch up with you all at lunch okay?" "Okay Makoto
. See you at lunch." Rei yelled. "Let's get going Odango atama."
"Don't call me that." Usagi pouted.
"Oh quit your pouting and let's head to chemistry."
Ami arrived at her class and walked in. Ichiro was looking at her. "What Ichiro haven't you seen a girl before?" Ami glared at him.
"No it's just you haven't been her in a while. Where ya been Ami-Chan?" Ichiro asked.
"At my house sick. Go away." She said sarcastically.
The class filed in and kina-sensei looked at her.
"Nice to have you back Ami. Here's your missing work." A big pile was sitting on kina-sensei's desk.
"Thank you sensei." She said. She went up and grabbed it.
"Ami, please try to not miss anymore school. You're already behind." Her teacher whispered to her.
"Yes kina-sensei. Thank you." She went back to her seat and the teacher went about teaching the lesson.
"42 over 76 divided by the x axis will equal the acceleration of pi and equal what? Anyone? How about you Ami?"
Ami looked up and sighed. 'I'm so behind. I have no idea.' She thought. "That would equal 1.7316" she said proud.
"Very good Ami. You're not as behind as we thought."
When the bell finally rang Ami started to go for the door, but the teacher called her back. "We are all worried about you Ami. What's going on?"
"Nothing Kina-san, why?" Ami asked.
"You just don't seem yourself. I'm just worried that's all." Her sensei replied.
"I'll try harder." Ami told her.
"Okay."
Ami walked out of the class and headed for the bathroom. She went into a stall and closed the door. She grabbed the small razor out of her bag and slid it down her arm. There wasn't much blood and she sighed in relief. It wouldn't stain her uniform. She took some tissue paper and wiped the blood up. 'That's better.' She thought. 'I can make it through another two hours now.' She flushed, put her razor up and stepped out only to find Makoto there.
"Hey Ames. What's up?" she asked Ami.
"Nothing much. Made it through three classes. I'm really trying this time Mako-chan." She lied.
"Good to hear." Mako hugged her and ran off.
'What is up with her? She almost never hugs anyone. Why me all of a sudden?' Ami thought. 'She doesn't know does she? Oh god if she does I will be so embarrassed.' She walked out of the restroom and went to her next class only to be treated with the same treatment as the last. 'This day will never end.' She thought as she went to the quad to meet her friends.
"HEY AMI OVER HERE!" Usagi yelled as they spotted her.
'Great. I actually have to socialize now.' She thought. She rolled her eyes and walked towards them.
"So how is it going today Ami?" Minako asked her.
"It could be better. But I'm surviving." She said.
"That's good. Now lift up your arm." Rei said to her harshly.
"Why? Its not like I'm cutting between classes." Ami said defensively.
"Bullshit. Makoto was in the bathroom the whole time you were in there. I know for a fact you weren't peeing. So pull your sleeve up and oblige me if you want to be defensive. What have you got to lose?" Rei asked her.
"Nothing. Fine." She pulled her sleeve up and Rei smirked. Minako and Usagi gasped.
"Ami, please stop. It hurts me to see you cut yourself." Usagi said.
Makoto walked over to them and sat down. "Rei I told you." Makoto looked at Ami's arm and shook her head. "Ami you're never gonna stop are you? Not even for me. The one…who…" She looked away before she said anymore and blushed.
"No. because my life sucks and I can't stop. I've tried. I don't care anymore. So just leave me alone about it." With that she pulled her sleeve down, grabbed her lunch and her bag and walked off. They called after her and she turned around. "What? You all show me no sympathy and I'm sick of you all yelling at me for it. Fuck off."
Makoto jogged over to her and said, "Look, we have no idea how to deal with this since it's never happened to us. We're sorry for yelling at you and whatnot but we just don't understand. Come back and talk to us please?" tears filled Makoto's eyes as she said it.
"Don't cry Mako-chan. You of all people don't cry. Can the act with me. Stop acting like you care. Because the more you care the more it hurts. I love you and you don't care. So leave me alone." She stormed off and found a tree to sit under.
'This is better.' She put her head on her knees and cried. 'They don't care. They never did. If they wanted to know why they should have read a book on it.' She looked up to see them standing above her. 'When will they leave me alone?' she thought. "You all aren't going away are you?" she asked them.
"No. we want to know why." Rei said.
Ami looked at Makoto and her look softened. Makoto's eyes were puffy from crying. 'Oh Mako-chan I don't mean to hurt you. It just happens. I just wish you'd see that my love for you is causing all of this.' She sighed and looked at Makoto. "I'm sorry Mako-chan. What I said was true though."
"Ami, you have no idea how I feel about you. But I won't say anything now." Makoto looked at her and smiled. "I'm sorry for ratting you out to them."
"Ami we want to help you but we don't know how. If you'll explain why you do it, maybe we can help." Minako looked at her and smiled.
"Okay. This is the reason. I feel alienated nowadays. No one bothers to get to know me because I'm the quiet shy one. So instead of hitting people and yelling I cut. It helps me focus on the physical pain to get rid of the emotional pain that grips at my heart and brain sometimes. Well all the time. Since someone doesn't like me like I like her it's hard to deal with seeing her everyday and not being able to have her for myself. So I cut instead. Its fucked up I know but it's a part of me now. It's been going on for months. And all the hurtful remarks you all said today hurt me. I had to get rid of it somehow. So this is why I do it." She sighed and looked at them.
Makoto sighed. "Ami, did you ever think she likes you like you like her she's just a little scared to say something? Cause that's how I see it."
Ami thought about it. "I guess that may be it but I don't think she even knows I exist."
"OH FOR GODS SAKE!" Rei yelled. "Ami, Makoto is in love with you. And I know you're in love with her. So would you two just kiss and make up and be a couple already?! Geebus! I am so sick of the love sick puppy bullshit."
"Thanks for ruining the moment Rei." Minako said to her. "You ruined Makoto's plans for after school. Geez."
"Sorry Mako-chan." Rei said sheepishly.
"It's okay. So how about it Ami? Will you go out with me and be my girl? It's your decision." Makoto smiled and secretly thought 'Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.'
"Yes, I mean, if that's what you want." Ami smiled shyly. "Come here."
Makoto offered Ami a hand up and pulled her to her.
"Makoto not in fr..."
Makoto put her finger to Ami's lips to shush and kissed her.
"Aww how cute." Usagi said. Ami blushed and sat back down. "Now Ami, please, please please please promise me you won't cut again. It hurts me to see you in pain and I just, I can't stand seeing it happen." Makoto looked at her seriously.
"I will try. For you. For us. I am only human, but I will try." Ami sighed and smiled at her.
"Okay. Trying is better than nothing." Mako-chan looked at her and smiled back. "You're so cute when you blush." Ami blushed harder.