Let's go round again?

Chapter One

In my world Ruth was just wounded in the last show in the series but it didn't bring Harry and Ruth together. Ruth continued to work at the Home Office and Harry and Ruth were as far apart as they'd ever been. They time line of this story slips between 2011 and 2021.

The idea for this story came from an interview that Nicola Walker gave just before series ten was broadcast when she said that Ruth was very hurt and confused by Harry's action in relation to the Garvik situation. And that she felt that Ruth was starting to doubt everything about her"relationship" with Harry. That in essence she had thought she was "Special" to him but that she was beginning to think it had all been a lie.

Finding a space in the hospital car park at this time of night had been easy, what had not been so easy was getting out of the bloody car! Every bone in her body, every iota of common sense, every thing that she'd experienced and learned in her complicated and entangled life was shouting at her to turn around and just go home. That would have been the sensible, practical thing to do; but when was she ever practical in circumstances like this?

And so she had begun to bargain with herself...

She'd just not go in. Full stop no room for negotiation.

She'd not go in but she would ring and let the staff know that she couldn't make it.

She'd go in, report to the reception desk gather the relevant information and then leave.

She'd go in, report to the information desk, gather the information and then make any necessary arrangements before she left.

She'd go in, report to the information desk, gather the information and then allow herself to be swept along to whatever end was waiting for her.

In the end it had been no contest because even as she was analysing her responses to the little drama that had been dropped so unceremoniously on her lap she'd known deep down inside what she'd do. None the less she did slam her car door with more force than was absolutely necessary as she stepped out into the chill night air.

Approaching the reception desk she smiled at the girl behind the glass and stated her business, after tapping a few keys on her keyboard the girl asked to take a seat intoning the mantra of all who worked in public services "Please take a seat and someone will be with you as soon as possible."

She perched herself on the edge of a plastic chair amongst the others who were here waiting to hear news of loved ones and friends but as she picked up a battered and ancient copy of Horse and Hound and began to flick idly through it's pages she began to once again question why she was here. It was not as though she'd had any contact with him for a very long time. He was part of her past; and the last nine years of her life had been spent running from that life. Or had it been simpler than that had she just been running from him? And another thing was starting to niggle away at her, where had they got here contact details from? There were many questions that needed to be answered and the logical part of her brain knew that the best way to get them answered was to sit tight and see how things unfolded.

So deeply was she engrossed in her thoughts that she was unaware of the young man who was standing in front of her, it was obvious by his body language that he'd been speaking to her but that fact just hadn't registered with her.

Standing quickly she held out her hand saying to him "Sorry about that. I was miles away. This has all come as bit of a shock. I wasn't expecting this at all". As she listened to her voice in her head she cursed herself, who in the world expected to receive a call late at night to tell that they were required at an Accident and Emergency unit. It was the stuff of nightmares.

"I'm sorry. I'm babbling." she said as the young man led her down the corridor towards the treatment cubicles. "And, sorry I don't want to appear rude but I'm intrigued to know how you got my contact details. You see we haven't been in contact for a very long time so this is a hell of a shock in more ways than one."

The young doctor stopped and faced her "He was very reluctant to let us contact you, can I call you Ruth?" She nodded her consent and he continued "As I said he was very reluctant but his first named contact a Mr. Wynn-Jones is not in the country at the moment and well to be honest we had to do a lot of arguing and cajoling to get another contact out of him. We were just pleased when he gave us your number."

"Yes about that" she began "I, we don't really see each other these days" here voice trailed off as the young man looked at her sympathetically. "I know that's it hard" he said "But he seemed to think you'd be willing to come and see him. So I was hoping that your divorce was not too painful and that you could but any old differences aside and well see if you could help him out."

Ruth was about to put the man straight by telling him in no uncertain terms that she and Harry had never been married, had never even been a couple when the man's pager went off and he smiled apologetically at her. "Sorry about this" he said, "we're a bit busy tonight. Can I ask you to wait in my office? I really want to talk to you before you see him."

As she sat waiting for the doctor she naturally thought about the last time she'd had any contact with Harry. She'd been in his office, sent there by her new boss the Home Secretary who in his clumsy, well meaning way was trying to build bridges between them after the fallout from the "Garvik" débâcle. Thinking about it now she couldn't quite remember when their polite conversation had descended into a slanging match but she did remember with an awful clarity the scene that made her flee from him; forever.

"Don't talk down to me Harry. I'm neither stupid nor naïve. If you don't want me here just pick up the phone and tell my boss."

"Your boss Ruth? Really your boss? I thought I was your boss. Tell me are you developing a close working relationship with him Ruth? After all you're good at that, making a man feel wanted and valued. You once told me I was..." his voice had trailed away as he looked at her his eyes full of pain and longing. And suddenly all the tension and anger that had been between them came bubbling to the surface and she was furious with him.

"You were my boss Harry, but that was then and this is now. I've moved on and you need to do the same."

"What if I don't want to move on Ruth? He asked, his voice low and accusing.

"Don't even think about trying to make me the guilty party in this Harry Pearce" she shot back at him. "I gave up everything for you...twice. You're the one who spoilt everything. We might have had a chance to finally be together if you hadn't continued to lie to me. I thought, I hoped that I was special to you Harry but you just used me the way you've always used people. You could have told me the truth about the Garvik woman and Sasha but you just didn't trust me enough did you? You just couldn't take that final step. Well I've taken it for you, the only thing is I'm going in the opposite direction now."

As she'd been speaking she'd stood, gathering her papers, shoving them in her handbag intending to leave his office before things got entirely out of hand when his voice had stopped her in mid flight.

"I was wrong Ruth, I know that now but I was only doing what I thought was for the best. I've told you that I'm sorry so many times. I'm sorry that I lied to you, I'm sorry that I didn't trust you, I'm sorry that you were injured again. I'm sorry that I continue you to burden you with my feelings for you, with my hopes and dreams of a future with you. I'm fucking sorry Ruth! What more can I do...I was wrong!

I did it to protect you Ruth, I thought that is was for the best. I knew that things would get complicated and I thought it was best you didn't know the full story."

"Stop right there Harry. That's the bloody problem, who do you think you are to assume that you have the right to protect me? To think that I need protection. I might not be as good a spook as you are but I can look after myself, after all I've had plenty of practice." she stared straight at him, daring him to contradict her before she ploughed on "And as for keeping me safe Harry that's a load of old bollocks and you know it. You used me Harry, used me like you would any asset and do you want to know the really sad thing about that? I let you. I was fully aware of what you were doing and I went along with it because I wanted to help you, wanted to keep you safe. Wanted to believe that in spite of all the evidence to the contrary I was special to you. Well more fool me eh Harry?"

"Let me make it up to you Ruth" he pleaded "There must be something I can say, do. I'll resign from the service. We can just be ordinary, we can get to know one another again. At least let me try Ruth."

"You can do nothing Harry, it's to late for us. I lost everything when I left, everything but the fates were kind and I was given a second chance and now that's gone as well. We need to leave it there Harry. We need to draw a line underneath it and move on before we cause any more damage. Before we hurt anyone else."

Suddenly he was up from behind his desk and propelling her backwards until she slammed into his office wall. "How did he do it Ruth" he demanded of her "How did he do it, how did he catch your eye, what did he do that was so special? Why did you let him in?"

She could tell that he was angry now, very angry but she felt strangely calm. She had never been afraid of him and she wasn't now.

"Was it the size of his dick Ruth? Is that what drew you to him?" he was whispering hoarsely in her ear now his hot breath ticking her neck and throat. "I'd ask how I compared to him" he continued "But of course you never let me near enough to you to find that out did you?" And as he spoke he pushed his body forward so that they were pressed together and she could feel his growing arousal pressing into her belly. "Does that give you some idea of how much I still want you?" he'd demanded as he crushed her lips with his, his tongue demanding entry to her mouth, his left hand fondling her breasts.

She'd managed to pull her mouth away panting as she'd gasped for air "Stop it Harry! Stop it right now" she'd managed as he'd sucked at her neck, leaving a mark that was to be visible for days. "Stop it!" She'd begun to panic then as one hand had slipped under the hem of her top and his other hand was pulling down the zip on his trousers.

Suddenly there was a loud knocking on the office door and they could both hear Dimitri's voice "Is everything okay in there? I'm coming in if I don't get an answer...from both of you."

The intervention brought Harry back to his senses and he called out as he pulled himself away from her "Yes we're both fine aren't we Ruth?" Yes, fine." was all she could manage as she straightened her clothing picking up her handbag from the floor where she'd dropped it.

"I'm so sorry Ruth" he pleaded with her as he moved towards her his voice full on pain and contrition. "I'm so sorry. I don't now what came over me. Don't go, we can talk about this. We can make it right". His hand came up towards her in an act of contrition but even as he begged she was out of his office and across the grid.

It had been the last time they'd seen one another.