Authoress's Note: I am so terribley sorry if you read this. But I swear, it's not my fault. My friend Meebo requested/challenged me to write a crack!fic featuring Light as the main character. It had to include him wearing buttless leather chaps. The phrase "It grows each day" had to be included, as were the words "Near", "cat urine", and something else that I can't remember because I wrote thing a long time ago. Of course, knowing me, I just had to take it a step further. (The title is shamelessly stolen from a Weekenders episode.)
WARNINGS: Yaoi. Duh. Not hard core. Just flouncy gayness and innuendo. Also, characters are all extremely OOC and just full of pure lame. Your eyes will melt.
Disclaimer: I've never understood the point of these. I mean, obviously I'm not the writer. I'm not Japanese. If I was the writer, there would be significantly more yaoi in Death Note. But alas, I am not. PLEASE DON'T SUE ME FOR ANY DAMAGES MY STORY MAY CAUSE, IE. BLEEDING OUT OF ANY ORFICES, CRYING, POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER, SUICIDE, OR EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA.
Light, although highly disgusted by the fumes wafting off of Demegawa, tried his best to not retch all over his shoes. Honestly, did the man not know the meaning of the word 'shower'? He smelt of cat urine and moldy cheese. Light also knew that Demegawa did not have a cat, so how he could possibly smell like one's bodily fluids was anyone's guess.
Light worked at the circus as a tightrope walker. Not just any tightrope walker, mind you. Being as beautiful and talented as he was, he was forced – by Mello, obviously – into wearing the most ridiculous, provocative outfits he'd had the misfortune to see. Tonight he was wearing hot pink leather, buttless chaps. Light would have been embarrassed if he was not used to this, but he'd worn worse. Anyways, they looked fabulous on him – as did everything else – and his ass looked particularly good in these, which was a good thing, seeing as they were buttless and people would be getting a grand view of it.
Looking at Light you would never guess in a lifetime that he worked at the circus. He was studious, respected, gorgeous in every way, a genius, etc. and whatnot. He didn't even know himself how he started working here, maybe stress relief? But it was enjoyable, and although the pay wasn't the best, he was able to afford nifty gadgets he saw in high-tech stores, like that mini LCD TV he'd bought a few weeks ago.
Mello had taken him in instantly, and when Light had asked why, he'd replied easily, "You have a nice ass, princess". Mello frightened Light immensely, not that he'd ever admit that, but the way he viciously ripped off pieces from his chocolate bar made Light cringe and wince in horror and hide his genitals. Although Mello scared the shit out of him, he couldn't deny that Mello made an awesome ring leader, bringing life to the audience. It was mostly due to his commanding appearance – even though he looked remarkably like a girl – and probably because Mello would blow stuff up if something didn't please him.
The job had its setbacks though; Light had gained three new stalkers to his large list. The most annoying one was Misa, his self proclaimed girlfriend. She clung to him like Velcro, whined when he ignored her, and threw tantrums when he told her that yes, she did look fat in her outfit. Next in line was Mikami, the guy who never stops fucking growing, he had to be at least 8 feet tall! It made it easy for Light to spot him lurking outside his house in the bushes, watching him sleep at night, which was creepy, but at least he was quiet, unlike Misa. Lastly was Takada, who was slightly more intelligent and quiet in her attraction to him, but no less annoying. Both Misa and Takada were fire breathing dancing girls, along with Halle who was Mello's admirer, even though he regularly told her to "GTFO, Bitchtits".
Light's inner monologue was interrupted by Mello screaming, "Are we fucking ready, people?!" Mello was wearing his normal ring leader attire of a black silk top hat, a suit coat with long tails, and tiny ultra-tight shorts imbedded with sparkles and glitter. Today his short-shorts were cherry red in colour and left little to the imagination.
People nodded and murmured their assent, and Matsuda peeked out of the large velvet curtains into the large audience outside. He looked terrified even though he didn't have an act, as he was the one who worked the lighting. Matsuda turned around quickly and then promptly tripped. Mello snarled at him to get off his 'poncey girly arse' before storming outside the curtains to the cheering crowd, abruptly starting the show. Matsuda scrambled up, tripped again but caught himself just in time, and ran after Mello.
Light watched all the other acts before him in boredom. Currently Misa, Takada, and Halle were dancing around and breathing fire. He wasn't even amused when Misa scorched her bleach blonde eyebrows off again, as she did that at least twice a week. Light felt eyes on him, and turned to look in the direction he felt them from. He was surprised to see Near staring at him unblinkingly, practicing his act by balancing on small balls. Although Near was standing on the brightly coloured balls, his head only reached Light's stomach.
"What?" Light asked the midget whom was also albino.
"You look like a girl I saw on a street corner last night," Near replied blandly.
Light was prepared to jump the little bastard, but was stopped by the surprise of Mogi the elephant breaking loose from Rester and charging through the curtains. Light watched as the elephant ran rampantly around the ring and Misa shrieked in surprise and set her hair on fire. The flames startled the elephant, which roared in fear, and Mogi promptly shit himself on Misa, Takada, and Halle's heads.
After all the chaos was calmed and the girls were sent to the showers and Mogi back to his pen, Mello screaming the whole time about incompetence, Light was up for his act. High up on the rope, balancing on this thin strand, it was his moment to shine. He loved being up here, high above everyone's heads, away from all the noise. He could feel eyes on him from all around, knew people were checking out his ass, and he couldn't care less.
Light did care though when Matsuda – the stupid fool – shined light right into his fucking eye. He felt himself misstep, and gravity pulling him downwards, and he was thankful for the invisible wires that lowered him gently when he fell. Unfortunately he landed in the audience. Double unfortunately he landed on a person, who got a face full of Light's bare, tanned ass.
This person Light landed on had to be the weirdest man he had ever seen, which was saying something, because he worked at a circus. The man looked like a panda bear, but without the bumbling expression normally issued with one. He was gaunt and skeletal, pasty and sickly looking, and his hair looked as if magpies had decided to make it their happy home. The oddest thing yet, though, was that the man did not looked surprised by the fact that a mostly naked man had landed on him, but that his lollipop licking time was almost ruined.
Light was thankful that he didn't end up impaling himself up the ass by the oversized lollipop that the man he landed on was holding, but he wouldn't have minded if something else from the man was stuck up his – WOAH! Okay, moving right along.
The man blinked curiously at him and surveyed Light's lack of attire before mumbling, "I could fall for you, you know?"
Light tried to fight the blush forcing its way across his perfectly defined cheek bones, honestly he did. But sitting in the mysterious man's lap, and having his large, slightly hooded darker-than-night eyes bore into him with unnerving intensity completely undid him. Light would also fiercely deny that he had giggled like a school girl to his dying day.
The moment was ruined when Mello – of course – grabbed Light by his body glittered shoulder and hauled him off the man's lap with surprising strength. Mello was again shouting nonsense things, raving about how he'd loose business and how Matsuda and Light and the crazy man in the apartment next to him who watched porn 24/7 were all fuck ups and how he was going completely barmy with all the idiots around him.
"How much to get you to shut up, young lady?" A voice asked from near Light, and he looked over to see an older man sitting next to the man he landed on. The old man was wearing a green fur jacket, had a fedora covering his slicked back hair, and a hand full of jewelry was holding a pimp cane. Light felt his retinas scream a slow and painful death.
Mello blew a gasket, the old man popped a cap in his ass to get him to shut up, the man Light had landed on dragged him to Mogi the elephant and they rode off into the sunset together. Light still didn't know his name, and the authoress didn't give a flying fuck because she got tired of writing this story.
THE END. IT'S OVER. GOOD BYE.
Oh the horror... this is why I don't write fanfiction. HAVE A NICE DAY!