a/n: of course disclaimer – these characters belong to JKR but this story is of my own making. Hope you like it!
It was around 2 in the morning when Lily inked the final sentence of her Arithmacy essay. The words had formed a black blob in her vision and she could feel her body aching for the warm bed that called to her upstairs. After a quick drying spell, Lily rolled up the parchment and observed two sixth years huddled in front of the fire, furiously trying to finish McGonagall's end of semester Transfiguration assignment. Lily reminded them through a yawn that metamorphmagi had natural abilities, and not a heightened ability, at human transfiguration. Their faces paled and began to cross out a section of their work, and with a sympathetic word of encouragement, Lily headed up to her dorm.
Halfway up the stairs Lily heard the familiar meow of her cat, Terrance. He was following behind her though where he had been beforehand she did not know. Lily bent down and gave him a scratch behind the ears, and was rewarded by a deep purr and a small rub against her arm. But when she went to pick him up he let out a yelp and ran down the stairs, all the while meowing, as if beckoning her to follow.
Now normally Lily would leave curiosity to Terrance but her fatigue had left her and she wondered what he had found. She followed his tortoiseshell form down the stairs, past the sixth years, out the portrait hole, down to the sixth floor, and into the East Wing. The night was a quiet one since the winter had set in, making any pranksters think twice before leaving the warmth of their dorms. Terrance continued to urge her forward until they reached the other side of the hall at a bay window overlooking the grounds.
Lily felt more confused than curious as she looked out the window as nothing could be seen that would cause such a commotion. It was only when Terrance jumped up onto the seat and looked as if floating that any confusion was startled out of her.
"Damn cat," a familiar muffled voice came from the window.
"James?"
Her heart jumped at the sight of the messy haired Head Boy's head poking out of nothing. Lily couldn't help but let out a tiny laugh at the scene in front of her: her sleeping floating cat and the head of James Potter.
"Can you get your fur ball off me? He still doesn't understand that my lap is not a place to sleep."
"Sure, but can you stop being a floating head? It's messing with my mind."
Lily sat down beside James and let her (now slightly grumpy) walk off in a huff. James folded what seemed to be a mottled cloak and stared out the window. Even though they worked together as Heads this was the first time Lily really took notice of James' face. The dark circles, the flat setting of his mouth and, now that she looked, a slimmer figure, smaller than his usual slight muscular frame. A seed of worry was planted, growing at the pit of her stomach.
"James... Are you ok?"
"Hmm? Well I better head back to the Gryffindor tower... 'Night Lily."
The seed had budded.
"Hang on - I didn't follow my 'fur ball' for you to bail. Why are you in here?" James paused with his back to her, though Lily couldn't decide whether it was to hide his face.
"Just forget it Lily."
It was now in full bloom.
"Come on James, I can tell something's wrong. I know we haven't always been the best of friends but you can talk to me."
His shoulders slumped in resignation and turned to sit back down. He looked tired, and Lily wondered how many nights he had spent here. Lily crossed her legs on the seat and faced James, waiting for him to talk; half of her concerned about what was going on and the other half afraid of what he was going to say.
He lifted his face to look at Lily and said softly: "Do you remember last month when Sirius and I left for a few days?"
Lily could only nod in reply.
"Well it wasn't because we had decided to skip classes like Remus and Peter spread around but... but..." And with a shaky deep breath, "it was to go to my mothers funeral."
For some instinctive reason Lily grabbed his hand and held it between hers. She could see that James was fighting back tears with the slight shaking of his shoulders. Her heart ached and her brain raced trying to think of the best thing to say.
"How..." Lily began, hoping that her words would help. "How did it happen?
"How else? Bloody Death Eaters who got fucking lucky. They ambushed her to send a message to my father! She was in Diagon Alley, they got her as she was leaving Madame Malkin's and left her body outside our house for dad to find. She was left there for three days before dad got home. I told him not to let her out of the house when he was away on assignment, and he promised. Mum can't," James' voice cracked, "couldn't defend herself, that was dad's job. She should've been at home. She was only there because of me-" His breath ran empty and the first sob escaped. Lily had never seen James cry and felt slightly out of her depth. But as she sat there with her friend falling apart in front of her, she wrapped her arms around him. His head rested on her shoulder and a fleeting thought noted how right the two fitted. She could hear his voice whimpering it was all because of me, it was all because of me repeating over and over, and Lily could do nothing but whisper back it's ok; it's going to be alright.
"I'm not coming back after Christmas."
"What?!" Lily moved to face James, "Why?"
"Because the sons of bitches that did this are still out there. Dad won't do it and what else am I meant to do? Sit around here doing pointless schoolwork for next five months? Knowing that I could be out there hunting down those pieces of scum so I can at least feel like it wasn't my fault."
Lily considered him for a moment. His determination seemed to change him from the state he was in only a few minutes ago. But his eyes still screamed the pain and hurt that she could hear in his words.
"It wasn't your fault James. You're not the one that killed her."
"Oh but that is where you are so wrong Evans. If I hadn't been such a spoilt brat then none of this would have happened."
"What are you talking about?"
"I needed new robes! That's it! I could've waited but no I just had to get them so I sent an owl with my best 'please mummy' letter."
Despite herself, Lily was getting angry. The James she knew wouldn't run off on some fools vendetta trying to get himself killed just to clean his conscience.
"That's it? You're beating yourself up because you needed robes? Listen to me: we are in a war and people get hurt. And you getting delusions of grandeur is more likely to get you killed than honour the memory of your mum. These Death Eaters are not like you James. They will kill you and so what would the point of it all be then? You would leave those who love you behind just so you can feel a little less guilty."
Lily stood up and turned from James, adrenaline rushing through her, she breathed deeply to calm herself. She loathed the idea of looking at James in fear of seeing if she hurt him. Sighing, Lily spun around and regarded James. His eyes were downcast, staring at the cloak that had fallen to the floor. Part of Lily wanted to run away back to the dorm except she was drawn towards James, a need to make sure he would be better than 'just ok', to make sure he would be happy again.
Picking up the cloak, Lily made James focus on her face. "James… I've never lost anyone so I can't say I know how you're feeling. But know this: you are loved by all of those around you, and have so much ahead of you. Please don't throw that away just yet. You've lost your mother except you haven't lost everyone. You haven't lost your dad, Sirius, Remus, Peter and even me. You have a right to grieve however you are not alone."
This was only met with a grunt and a nod, causing a mischievous idea to form in Lily's head.
"You can ask me out again if that would make you feel better!"
Lily was relieved when that elicited a smile and a small laugh. "The last time I tried you called me an 'arrogant toerag' and stomped out of the Great Hall. Wow, how long has it been Lily? A year? Two years since I last asked you out?"
Lily snickered in reply, "yes I called you a toerag but I remember correctly you were sulky for the next week. I think it's been just over a year since you last asked, which is quite a personal best considering your track record."
"Hey I meant every single one of them! And it hurt me deeply when you said no." The sarcastic reply reassured Lily that the James she knew was still there. "Well, for old times sake: Lily, will you go out with me?"
"Sure." The word was out before Lily could even think of her answer, and both looked as surprised as the other.
"Wait, are you saying yes?"
"That was the general idea, yes."
James' eyes darkened and he scoffed, "You're just saying that because you feel sorry for me."
"How can I prove that that's not the case?"
"Why yes now after saying no every other time?"
"Well, you've changed since the last time you asked. It's like your brain and age have finally aligned. You are loyal, kind and smart (when you want to be), and while some things you do still annoy the crap out of me, I think I actually really like you."
"You have no idea how long I've waited to hear you say that. Lily I –"
Both froze at the sound of footsteps in nearing the entrance to the East Wing.
"Quickly," James hissed, "get under the cloak." Both curled up next to each other, huddling underneath the cloak. The footsteps belonged to Professor Slughorn sleepily casting a light throughout the room. "Hello? Is anyone there?" The old man said and seemed to lock onto where James and Lily sat. Just as he started to walk in their direction, Terrance came wandering up to him, rubbing against his legs and softly chatting. Slughorn waved his hand in annoyance for the cat to leave, and with a quiet grumble about cats roaming around creating no good mischief he left the East Wing.
The two relaxed as the sounds of the Potions professor became faint and Terrance settled next to them on the seat.
"Um Lily?" James said as both realised the position they had put themselves in: both were still under the cloak, but Lily's legs were hooked over James' lap and their faces were only a few inches apart. The air changed from relaxed to tense as expectation filled their minds.
With a clearing of his through James continued, "So, uh, you 'really like me' huh?"
"Those were my words. Do you still want to go out with me?"
"HA, obviously. I've been waiting to hear you say 'yes' since first year. This is all real right? I'm not dreaming or hallucinating?"
With a giggle, Lily kissed his cheek. "That proof enough for you?"
James looked dumbstruck before he let out a croaky, "no."
"Well then this should be enough."
And Lily closed the gap between their faces until their foreheads and noses touched.
"Can I kiss you?" Lily asked, with James letting out a shaky breath and a small nod in reply. Their mouths met and their bodies came together in a tight embrace. They seemed unperturbed by Terrance pulling the cloak off them and let it fall on the ground. Both wanted to stay in this space of time, forgetting about what came next, about the war that raged on outside of Hogwarts; but the cold and the longing for their beds brought them back to reality. Walking hand in hand back to Gryffindor Tower, Lily couldn't help but smile and wonder how much had changed in only a couple of hours. James, on the other hand, felt that his heart had lifted; and while thinking of his mum still stung, knowing Lily was going to be there by his side made him hope that he would see the other side of this war.