It's been so long since I wrote something, but Mikita is giving me feelings again! I hope you enjoyed and don't forget to review :) Only way I can tell if you guys like my stories.
I wake up to the sound of a gasp and a barely audible "no…no".
I've never been able to sleep in planes, so you can imagine my reaction when I learned where our new command was. I forced myself to sleep every night for a few hours at least, but the tiniest movement or quietest sound would wake me up.
So here I am, wide awake staring at the flickering light of the seat belt sign. My hands are clutching into tight fists, trying to focus on anything but her. I can clearly hear her panting a few feet from me; she must have had a nightmare. God knows what she went through those 3 months, alone and with no one else to trust.
She should have trusted me though.
My mind wanders to some of the countless times she woke up in the middle of the night, terrified and shaking. Monsters kept chasing her even in her sleep, they still do. Those nights, I would feel her curl herself tighter into my arms. The only thing I'd do was hold her right back and kiss her hair, I never really knew how to comfort her besides that. How could I, though? I was never able to fight my own demons.
I turn my back to her in an attempt to ignore her distress, but her ragged breath is ringing loud in my ears and I seriously ponder if this could kill me. My body aches to be close to her and taking her into my arms like I used to, but I can't do that anymore.
She, once again, made a decision for me. How many times must we do this again? In true Nikita fashion she must've been sure she was doing the best for me, what she doesn't get is that being away from her was never the right choice. She's so damn stubborn.
It's amazing how one woman can break your heart so many times in one lifetime.
One tiny sob was all it took for me give in and untangle myself from the sheets. She's cried alone one to many times and tonight will not be another one. I slowly make my way towards her cot. I wait for her to feel my presence before tentatively sitting down on the edge and placing my hand lightly on her calf. I want her to know that regardless of our situation, I'm here.
I feel her weight shift a little and I can tell she's trying to control her breathing.
"Don't worry," She says, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand. "I'm fine, go back to bed." Her voice is strained and she sounds exhausted.
"If you don't want to talk about it, it's fine. But don't lie to me… I know you better than that." I bite the inside of my cheek to keep myself from saying or doing something I might regret. "Are you okay? That wound must still be bothering you"
"It's fine. I've had worse" Her tone is rather drained. "Being the #1 enemy of the country for one…" I don't know how to respond because I know she's right. "Why are you awake anyway? Couldn't sleep?" If her voice is any indication, my sole presence is hurting her.
"You know I've never being able to sleep during flights… I think I haven't slept more than two hours straight since I've been here"
"I know the feeling" She chuckles "Who's brilliant idea was it to have a command in the air anyway?" As she finishes her sentence the plane shakes as to answer her mockery.
"Ryan. Believe me, I wouldn't have agreed if they had asked me. But I guess that's what I get for not being here at the time…" Truth is I was somewhere in a godforsaken city trying to get a hold of her.
Just thinking about it makes my stomach turn, and I remember, I remember once again that I am furious at her. She should've stayed, or at the very least she should've taken me with her.
I know that if I allow myself to say anything else I won't be able to control my anger. I'll end up hurting her more. I hesitantly put my hand on her back for a moment, my body pulling me towards her like a magnet. I can't bear being so close to her without being with her. So, following my better judgement I stand up to leave.
"Wait—" She whispers and I can tell she's not sure what to say next. "Don't go just yet, please, I –um… just stay for a minute". Her voice is desperate and I squeeze my eyes shut before turning back. She can certainly use me as she pleases I think bitterly.
She sat up crossing her legs under her and she pauses before meeting my gaze; she can't hold it more than a few seconds though. By this point I think she could just put a bullet in my chest and it would hurt less.
She takes a shaky breath and clamps her hands in front of her, her eyes never leaving her fidgeting fingers. I know what's coming and I honestly don't want to hear it. "I know I hurt you when I left…"
"Save it, I don't want to hear it" I utter angrily.
My jaw is clenched to the point of discomfort and unconsciously my hands are clenched into fists.
"Hurt, doesn't even begin to cover it." I force myself to whisper, hoping to not wake anybody up. "I am so tired of this Nikita. I can't trust you. Not anymore. You just do whatever you think is right and I'm done with that, I can't take it " I'm making my best effort to control myself and not punch anything around me.
Her eyes are glistening with unshed tears and she bites her bottom lip. "You don't understand. " She mutters looking away.
"Well why don't you enlighten me, huh?" I say sarcastically. "Because I can't think of a good reason for you leaving me behind" She doesn't even attempt to hide her tears anymore and I bite the inside of my cheek to contain my anger.
"I was ready to fight for you, to follow you to the end of the world, to die for you… don't you understand? I was not ready to live a life without you." I pause to take a shaky breath. "You were the last thing I had left… and I lost you too" I feel deflated and broken, so much for keeping my feelings in check.
"I was trying to protect you." She whispers.
"I'm a big boy Nikita, I don't need protecting and I certainly don't need you making decisions for me." I murmured as I stood up and walked away. "The only thing you did, was hurt me more". I say with my back turned to her, but as my words leave my mouth I pray she didn't quite hear that last part.
Her choked sobs confirms what I hope didn't happen, great now I'm the one hurting her. Damn it why do we have to be in a confined space? I just want to get as far away as I can, far away from her pain.
"Michael please just… fight one last time". She mumbles, and it's so quiet I doubt she even said anything. "Please". She did.
Her words froze me in place and for a second I stand still looking at my feet. I take a deep breath and continue to walk away. I can't go back, I can't look at her. It would be my undoing.
"I'll just have to learn how to live without her" I murmur to myself once I collapse in a makeshift bed far away from her. I chuckle. "It would be easier to stop breathing." I sigh against the pillow.
One can only fight so many battles before giving up.