Ianto
It was a Friday. I had been left to comfort Toshiko by Jack, ever the outsourcer. She was still twirling the pendant in her hand, stood beside me, and I wondered how long it would be before she realised it did more harm than good and needed to be destroyed…and soon.
"It…it was weird. I felt so dirty, like I'd heard and seen things that no human ever should." Tosh had the glint of moisture in her brown eyes.
"Give it time." I advised. "It'll get better." I paused "Did you hear my thoughts?"
Tosh hesitated. "Yes."
I raised a questioning eyebrow, prompting a further explanation.
"You were-" Tosh sighed, evidently psyching herself up for this. "You were sad. You said- err, thought- that there wasn't-" Her voice cracked "that there wasn't an inch of you that didn't hurt." Tears were rolling down her cheeks.
I found that I was crying too and Tosh rested her empty hand on my shoulder until the tears subsided.
"You know I'm always here for you." Weakly, she smiled.
"Thanks." I forced a grateful smile. "I really appreciate it.
"You could always-" Tosh began.
"Yes?" I prompted.
"Doesn't matter." She said shortly.
"No, what?" I pressed.
"It's stupid, it's embarrassing." Tosh hung her head.
"Toshiko?" I was not going to let this go; if she had even the faintest inkling of a solution to the constant agony tearing at my ssoul then I wanted to hear it!
"It's just… oh, it sounds silly!" She laughed humorlessly. "I think you should talk to Jack."
"Jack?" I wasn't expecting that.
"Well, your mood seemed to get better when you were near him." Lifting her head, she kept her eyes firmly fixed on the ground.
"R-really?" I searched my memory. Was she right? What were the ramifications if she was?
"Mm hmm." She nodded and made eye contact with me. "You need to clear the air. I mean, after the thing with Lisa" My gut wrenched at the mention of her name "you never apologised, did you? Either of you."
I considered this for a moment, filing the conversation away for further thought when alone. "I think you're right." I smiled more warmly "You're like a sister to me, you know that?"
"Thanks." She took that as her cue to hug me and leave the room, the pendant enveloped in a fist.
Hours passed by with my conscious mind unaware; I spent most of that time leaning back in my chair by the coffee machine mulling over Tosh's hypothesis. As I filtered through my memories, I came to the reluctant and confounding conclusion that there was truth in what she had told me. I had never realised it before but Jack did make me happier, he always was also correct about what happened with Lisa but how would I ever coax him into that sort of a serious conversation without him being uncomfortable? Over and over I planned what to say and reached an unwavering impasse every time.
I was still thinking through one such dialogue when I sensed a presence behind me.
"Still here Ianto?" Jack asked.
I turned around to find him smiling absentmindedly at me. "Coffee?" I offered.
"Sure, why not?" His smile widened to a grin and he sat on the edge of the table beside me patiently. "How come you're still here anyway? Work finished about an hour ago."
"Erm… I was talking to Tosh earlier and I was thinking about something she said, I must have lost track of time."
"Ooh, sounds interesting. Do tell." Jack reached for his cup eagerly and hunched over it, absorbing its warmth.
I deliberated, should I tell him? "Well she heard some of my thoughts and…" I trailed off, I couldn't do it! "I'm sorry."
"What?" Jack stared at me, utterly befuddled.
"-About what happened with Lisa. Tosh was saying that she'd heard some of my thoughts and it made me think and I realised that I've never apologised to you for it… so here I am." I explained.
Jack was taken aback. He opened his mouth to speak, changed his mind and closed it again.
"Apology accepted?" I smiled hesitantly.
"No! Apology rejected on the grounds that it should be me apologising to you!" He shot me a disapproving yet friendly glance.
I grinned idiotically and shook my head, feeling a weight lift off my shoulders.
"Seriously, I'm really sorry." Jack paused, thinking. "Tosh may just have saved our friendship!"
"I think she has!" I let out a nervous laugh. "After Lisa…you know…you even stopped flirting with me. Yes, I noticed. It was weird, like I almost missed it."
"Well that can soon be rectified." Jack winked alluringly and I felt a sudden, wild urge to beg him to do so. "So what was it Tosh heard you think?"
"Oh." I wasn't ready. I couldn't make myself so vulnerable with anyone. "Why do you flirt with me so much?" I counter-asked.
Jack flashed me a dazzling grin. "Good distraction."
"Ditto." I smiled back at him.
"Touché." He laughed breathily. "do you want the honest answer?"
I faltered; what did he mean? Was there some strange secret I didn't know. That made me panic a little. Or maybe he liked me…like really liked me. I found that thought unexpectedly appealing. Slowly, I nodded.
"I…I mean what I say." Jack held my gaze honestly and fearfully.
That sensation you get when you're on a roller coaster and you reach the top but your internal organs carry on upwards filled me in that moment. I clumsily composed myself but if Jack's expression was anything to go by then I had over-compensated.
"Say something." Jack pleaded.
"I-wow!" I stuttered, struggling to organise my brain into coherent thoughts. I allowed myself a little diminutive smile. "I guess I'm obliged to answer your question now." Jack opened his mouth to protest but I, with my newfound courage in him, spoke before he had the chance. "No, I want to. Tosh heard me think that there wasn't an inch of me that didn't hurt."
Jack's eyes were wide with horror and there was a hint of a tear in his eye.
"She also said that my thoughts felt…happier… when you were around." I finally understood the true meaning and magnitude of this and so, I suspected, did Jack.
I placed my cup gently onto the desk, never breaking eye contact with Jack but seeing out of the corner of my eye that he had done the same.
I leant forward.
Jack leant forward.
I closed my eyes as our mouths made contact.
We kissed.
My hands gravitated up to his cheek and hair. The heat of his own hands on my waist was hard to ignore. Jack broke away and rested his forehead on mine. It was as though the wounds in my soul had begun to heal.
Jack's breath caressed my skin. He's a good kisser. I thought.
"So are you!" Jack said.
I must have been thinking aloud! My embarrassment, I decided, could wait until after I had had another taste of his mouth.
I closed the gap between our lips and this time did not release the Captain for an extensive amount of time. It shocked me how much I had wanted this…him…without realising it was what I had wanted. When I finally, reluctantly, came up for air, I was lost in the sheer beauty of the moment. I surrendered to it.
"You don't know how long I've waited for this." Jack murmured.
I leant away, prompting him to open his eyes "I won't make you wait any longer." I smirked and he quickly took the hint, pulling me by my tie towards his office.
I succumbed to my desires and we hardly slept that night!
In the morning I awoke, cradled in Jack's arms and totally at peace. It was a Saturday. Last night Jack, ever the outsourcer, had left me to comfort Toshiko. I am eternally glad that he did.