Title: Secret Smile
Author: Christine, Acidical@aol.com
Rating: PG
Feedback: Always wanted.
Distribution: Anywhere, everywhere, keep my name with it, though.
Side Notes: Let's say spoilers from all seasons. Just so I'm safe.
Parts: 1/1
* Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me *
I know that when she's with him, her smiles are for me. And when we're alone, she doesn't have the smile everyone else sees her with. The way her lips are tugged upwards into a small smirk, slightly shy, somewhat inviting, and beneath lies a promise. She's beautiful when she smiles for me, for her, for the happiness of being together brings to our hidden relationship. Sometimes I wonder if she ever used that smile on anyone else.
It's the times when I start thinking about the others she may have charmed with her girlish habits and childish shyness. I know it's a stupid way to think, but I want her to be mine. Only mine. I want to possess her in ways nobody else can. I think I already do.
* So use it and prove it
Remove this whirling sadness
I'm losing, I'm bluesing
But you can save me from madness *
She's my lifeguard. Whenever I'm pulled into the confusion, she's there to bring me back ashore. She's always there for me, always. And when she can't physically be there, I can feel her in my heart. My brunette goddess has wormed her way into the stone heart I've kept cold for so long. If she hadn't pushed friendship into my face, I may have gone suicidal at some point. Or at least insane from that absurd wanting that I did my best to ignore when she was around.
But when she's in his arms, I feel cold again. I can feel the water freezing over my heart. I start putting the bricks of my broken wall into their rightful places. She manages to save me every time. My savior breathes life back into me with her kiss that it warms the ice to slow boils. That's how she is, always rescuing the people she loves, the people she cares about. And sometimes even the ones she doesn't.
* Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
So save me I'm waiting
I'm needing, hear me pleading
And soothe me, improve me
I'm grieving, I'm barely believing now, now *
I saw her kissing him today. I saw the two of them go into the janitor's closet. That can only mean one thing. The love of ours seems to be fading further and further into a distant memory. My love is still fresh, still golden, but it is buried beneath the fear that I lay the blame on. I'm afraid she has realized that I don't deserve her. I know I don't, but I want her. I want her everywhere, I want to feel her when she's not around and need her even when she is.
My heart breaks every time I see them together it seems. I'm sentimental now. She's brought the emotions that I kept down below to the forefront. But she's not around to see the changes within me. Does she not feel the same anymore? Have we gone stale? I can't think about it, I have to know it hasn't. I have to trust that our love is strong enough. It has to be.
* When you are flying around and around the world
And I'm lying alonely
I know there's something sacred and free reserved
And received by me only *
She's out with him again. The third time this week. I can feel her growing away from me. I try not to believe this because it only hurts me more. I followed her this time, to some restaurant on the outskirts of town. She laughed a little, light giggles to his corny jokes. A polite gesture, I smiled. I remember her looking around nervously. She could feel my presence. And she smiled at me. She smiled at me with her secret smile.
* Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me *
I lay alone in the dark. I'm surrounded by my own selfish love for her. For the woman I wasn't supposed to have. The woman that I know is forbidden to me. The woman that I love in spite of our differences. It's the woman that makes me feel alive, that makes me care, that makes me think about the future with hope. She's the woman of my dreams, she's the woman of my reality that keeps me around.
The lock squeaks as the door handle turns. She's come home to me. I see her smile. That same smile that made me fall in love with her. The smile that could melt the cool mounds of glaciers.
She looks at me, her eyes have a glint of joy in them. Her smile tells me she holds the secrets to the world. And her hands caress me to let me know she still cares.
"I know you're worried," I hear her say. She continues. "I know it's hard. But remember one thing…I love you, I'll always love you, Michael."
"I love you, Liz." I return the phrase. I don't have to be poetic or flower my words, she knows that I would give up my life for hers. She knows it when I kiss her. When I feel her lips touch mine, my mind is put into a deep fog. I let go of the fear and the guilt. I concentrate on the feeling of her all around me. I grin at her, dumb, foolish like a schoolboy. She simply smirks with that smile and lays in my arms while we count the hours until we must put on our act again.