I just finished "Allegiant" for the second time (and cried again) – and then listened to Evanescence's "My immortal" and cried even more. To me, this song fits perfectly to the end of the book.
Thanks for reading, and please tell me what you think about it!
"My memories of Tris, some of the most powerful memories I have, have dulled with time, as memories do, and they no longer sting as they used to. Sometimes I actually enjoy going over them in my mind, though not often."
I thought today was a good day. Actually, not good – I am not ready yet to expect that from my days. But I thought, to say it with Christina's words, that this day would not suck.
This is what Tris would have wanted me to do. Being brave, I mean, probably not scattering her ashes over the city.
Our city.
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
I didn't think it would hurt that much today. As if I lost her again, only this time it was by my doing, as if I pushed her away. Now she's spread over a new Chicago that will never know her sacrifice, will never know who she was and what she meant to me.
I wonder if that matters.
I hoped today would give me some peace. I know it did for Christina, and probably for Caleb, and I guess I should be grateful for that. It was a closure, after all, the ending of our story outside the fence. Those who died are now forever laid to rest.
Those of us who stay have to move on.
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
There's a part of me that wants to move on, needs to move on. On not too bad days, I can imagine Tris' face without the feeling that my entire body gets crushed while I struggle for breath, unable to inhale anything but pain.
Today is not a good day.
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
Her face appears before me, unpredicted, unasked, just as she came into my life; as if she had never left me.
I have long stopped fighting against tears when they come, knowing that they will take away some of the pressure that reminds me why my life, though safe from the bureau, will never be easy again.
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Today I have no tears, just her filling my vision, her small, strong figure; the birds that fly up from her collarbone, her lips, calling mine so sweetly that they hurt, her eyes seeing right through me. Knowing me. Claiming me to be good. Waiting for me. Asking me to do the right thing.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
There is nothing in this world I wouldn't give to bring her back to life. If that's what she's asking for – after all, she knew what she was doing when she stepped in for her brother.
My Tris was small, and broken by grief, and hurt by betrayals from the people she loved most, and still she found it in her to forgive and protect Caleb. Protect me, all along.
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
It was her belief in me that made me strong. Her love that made me capable to reset my parents and save our city.
Only to come back and realize that my world was not saved but shattered.
Broken, but not dead – for more than two years now I wonder why I didn't take the memory serum, why I didn't shoot myself to be with her again. Touch my forehead to hers so my thoughts find peace, hear her laughing at my skin. Feeling her hands drawing me closer, closer, till there was nothing left between us, till finally I felt like I was whole.
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
I can't let go of this life because I'm all that's left of her. The man I am now may be broken, damaged, but nevertheless I know he is a better person than I would be if she hadn't found me, and saved me from myself.
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Most of the time I'm thankful for Christina to stop me when I wanted to erase her from my mind. Most of the time.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But there are times, days like these, where the good times can't make up for the pain. I'm losing her, I'm alone, once again and more alone even than Marcus' frightened boy ever was.
My memories of our time together are dulling, and I'm afraid that if I only survive long enough, I will forget her smile, forget the way her hair was golden in the early sunlight.
I'm going to lose her, every day a little bit, and there is already nothing left. For more than two years now, I am waiting. Though I don't know exactly what for.
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
Every cell in my body starts to burn with longing, with a need for her so desperate that I forget how to breathe, and I cling to her picture in my mind, taking in every inch of her, everything my world consisted of. I was doomed unworthy and damaged then, but I felt so much more whole, so much more alive than I do now.
It kills me to see her, and to know that I lost her, and to know that one day I will even lose her memory.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
For as long as I lived with Marcus, I wanted but couldn't believe in a god, watching over us. When I became Dauntless, I didn't ask anymore.
Now, as the new morning dawns, another morning I have to face without Tris, another sunrise she will not see, another part of my life I won't be able to share with her, I find myself praying.
Let me see you again.
Let me see you again, before the weight of the world will bury you in my mind, before everything that is good in me collapses under the knowledge that you made me good, and that you are gone.
But you still have all of me...
I still miss her. I still love her. I know there'll always be a part of her around, in Christina and Zeke and Matthew and Johanna and of course Caleb. She changed all of us, but it's not enough. It can never be enough.
Let me see you again. Let me be whole again.
All of me...
All of me...
Grey light creeps up the streets. I have no tears left, only the heavy beating of my heart, pounding through my body, reminding me, every moment, that I'm alive.
That I'm alone.