Author's note: All events in this story are entirely fictional. All characters belong to Sega and/or Archie (unless stated otherwise), and the original concept on which this story is based belongs to Guillotine and the Glozman brothers. This story was written for entertainment purposes only and should not be treated otherwise.

They think they can tell me what to do. They think they can choose words for me. I can already see right away, I'm going to break all the rules. I've had enough of the reception, I've had enough of the rules. I protest against the press, and I don't care that you're dissatisfied! Everybody says "He's a megalomaniac!" they've ruined my career. The paper wrote "This is unbelievable!" and I say "Cholera!" So I left just to forget, to run away from fans. I shall not be told what to do anymore, there's a man in the audience who wants to try.

Day 1

I'm Sonic. Sonic the Hedgehog. I am an actor who just doesn't get the appreciation and attention he deserves. I say there are no bad actors, there are just bad receptions. They are the sole reason why I'm considered such a so-called failure in Mobius. So what did I do? I packed a suitcase and ordered a cruise to Hollywood, where my success is guaranteed. Those guys know how to appreciate someone on my level. While I'm on the ship, I could enjoy myself with some fresh tea and such, or perhaps even get a little tan.

And so the taxi drops me near the harbor and I start following the sign leading to the ship. There it is- hey, wait a second... Robotnik 20Q? That's an interesting name for a luxury cruise to Hollywood. Oh well, if this is what the sign says, then who am I to argue? Oh of course, there's a freaking line! Come on, isn't there a line for VIP's? I'm an actor, do I really need to stand in this entire line!? Oh well, maybe I should just stand there nonchalantly and let them get impressed by my appearance. I'm just standing there, within a second someone is gonna come over and ask for an autograph. That's how it is when you're famous.

OK, this is too much.

"Hey, why isn't anyone moving? What is this, an HMO!? I'm the praised actor Sonic, Sonic the Hedgehog! OK move it, move it!" I snap and just board the ship while passing everyone by. "Every minute is a huge waste and I firmly believe that I shouldn't have introduced myself, because you should already know who I am!"

"Hello!" says the captain, who looks like a crazy fat man with a mustache. "I am Captain Eggman, mwa ha ha! I'm the Eggman here! Uh... yeah, excuse me. The captain, that's it."

"Young man, take my suitcase to my room," I say.

"I have a very sharp perceptiveness, I recognize people by the first look," Eggman replied. "I shall recognize your name by the list. It's an amusing game which I play with all the guests, it's just part of the ship's amusements."

The weirdo in red looks in the list and just brings his nonsense to another level. "OK, let's start. Are you Mrs.? No, mwa ha ha! Are you... Captain Eggman? No, that's me, that's me! Mwa ha ha ha! Damn it, can't you tell me your name like a normal person!? What, am I supposed to take my eyes out on that list!?"

I can't believe he doesn't know me, I appeared on the front page all over Mobius! My name goes before me! I'm the number one star in the worlds of video-gaming and fan-fictions! I know the reception was overly negative, but that's just because there's a chain conspiracy among all the magazine companies. Oh great, now I need to introduce myself to a bunch of mustached simpletons.

"Sonic the Hedgehog. Actor, comedian, and finger-puppeteer."

"Oh yes, yes yes yes yes yes! Now I remember!" Eggman laughed while I glare at him in annoyance. "OK, what's our situation? Have we arrived already? Lift up the anchor, lower the sails," he continued and then he looked back at me. "What are you doing here again, you wanna drive me outta my mind!? Go away, uh..."

Yep, I guess that's the greeting I get instead of getting the key to my room. How can I imply about that without sounding too rude?

"This is my luck," I mutter, "every time I need the keys to my room, there just has to be a problem! That's how it goes in my life, nothing ever goes well for me with keys! A key to my room, a key to my room I need!"

"Room? I didn't know there were rooms in here," Eggman replied and took out a key. "Here, take this key and see what it opens," he chuckled before giving it to me. I guess this dumbass doesn't even know what this key opens. "Sayonara! Alpha, make holes in the walls, it's stuffy down there! Just for some air to get in!" he shouted aimlessly as he just left.

Damn, this fatso drives me nuts I could just kick down the "Welcome" sign. Of course, what drove me nuts even more was this elderly bearded fox that bumped into me and almost knocked me to the ground. He was dressed in a green cape and a green hat. With him was another fox dressed in a blue shirt, brown pants, and a red tie, but was much younger and had two tails instead of one.

"Ahhhhhh!" the bearded fox raged. "Geezer, pay attention to where you're standing! Might that not be the exact same path which I had designated for myself to pass in advance? How do you expect me to be able to march my appalling body from Point E to Point B, when your materialistic and rotten body is standing in a point, which for the sake of this discussion we shall refer to as X, and it is between the aforesaid two points which I had mentioned!?"

Just as I thought, another fool who doesn't know how to treat artists.

"You little twat, on whom do you think you're opening your mouth!?" I snapped.

"Tails! Use your skills in order to dispose of this following nuisance!" the elderly fox roared.

"But dear uncle," said the younger two-tailed fox, otherwise known as Tails I suppose, "my skills are summed up by feeding silkworms only."

"So think of him as a silkworm, Tails!" his uncle boomed.

Tails then does a weird gesture with his hand towards me, which left me with the question whether I should be offended or disgusted from this. Either way the only expression I have in my face is that of a WTF.

"Ts-ts-ts-ts-ts... Perhaps do you want a strawberry leaf?" the weirdo asks. Was he being serious or not? Either way I can only guess he did not like his uncle's response.

"Nincompoop! Moron! Useless apprentice!"

"Wait, let me get this straight, are you two some sort of comedian duo?" I ask sarcastically. "I've got experience in this, consult with me and I'll help you."

"Funny man, you are blocking my way!" the uncle responded.

"You have demanded him handsomely, uncle," Tails replied to him.

"I've got time, if it's up to me, we can stand here all day!" I muttered. "In fact, for this entire story! What do I care? The main thing is that I'm seen!"

"Uncle, perhaps should I try using a labial expression which my ear had received during a visit at the retailer's store?" Tails asked.

"Let us hear it," his uncle approved.

"Fudge off, get outta my sight, you garbage!" the two-tailed idiot poorly snapped at me. "You damned! Son of a ditch!"

"Tails, is this what you learn when I send you to the retailer's store to purchase lackmus paper and millimetric measuring containers!?" the elderly fox glared.

"Yes, my dear uncle," Tails responded innocently.

"I actually like this. Son of a ditch!" the uncle gloats so-called triumphantly at me.

"Forget it, I was just pulling off a scene on you," I replied in exhaustion. "That's how I am, I'm an actor! What am I supposed to do, waste my entire vacation on talking to you? Fuck this! Forget it, you blockhead!" I add in frustration while searching for my room in this darn ship.

"Uncle, what is the definition of the word 'blockhead'?" Tails asked.

You're looking at one. The time is 8:00 AM, and now I finally have some time to search for my room. Hey, what are those binoculars? Someone must have dropped them. Let's see if there's something interesting. Meh, just two idiots sitting on a raft.

"Hey, do you know why the cemetery's hotline is always occupied?"

"Heh heh, why?"

"Because it's a cemetery, buttmunch. People are dying to get there!"

Idiots. With that out of my way, I should find my freaking room in this ship of demented fools. The key that Eggman gave me has nothing on it. Maybe I should try using it on this door that's the closest to me. Well, whaddya know? It fits! So I get in and- wait, that doesn't seem right.

"Kishkes, kishkes, in all sizes and colors! I need lots of kishkes! A lot of little kishkalakh's!"

Those words came from the mouth of an elderly grey echidna with strange looking black eyes, and he was just walking around talking to himself. He was wearing a black robe and, strangely enough, bunny slippers. The room is similar to that of a therapist's, and I see a nametag saying "Dr. Finitevus" standing on a desk. This entire room also seems like you're inside a painting by Salvador Dali.

He then noticed me. "Wait, who are you? What did you even come for?" he asked me. "What do I care!? Gewalt! Du hast mich! Hier kommt die Sonne! Whaddya want? Decide quickly! If you don't decide within drei, zwei, eins..."

I had to think of a response as soon as possible, who knows what this psycho could do to me? "Tell me you psycho, may I sit on the patients' couch?"

"Sit on the couch and quit peeking at my bunnies!" Finitevus responded. "You're depleting their ego, you have ruined their alter-ego along with their libido!"

I just lie down on the couch and prepare for what this lunatic is planning. I guess he's not the type of person who likes questions much.

"Now we shall play an association game. Garbage Drek Associatztum Reise Reise I call it," the psychiatrist says as he sits on his chair. "I say words, and you say the first thing that comes to your potato-Kopf. Un schwartze Kaputen von Schlitz!"

Yeah... totally understandable. "Uh... do an intelligence test for me, buddy."

"Are we ready?" he asks me. I'll be a smartass at first.

"Christoph Schneider!"

"Eine minute, we haven't started yet!" Finitevus snapped.

"A double-horned hoopoe!" I replied.

"I haven't started yet, dummkopf! Ich will en Beifall untergehen!"

"Grand Metropolis! No no no no no, Xenophon! Actually both of them got into my head at the same time," I said nervously.

"Bunnies, ich habe keine Lust," Finitevus sighed, and then he shouted: "We're starting now! Miter!"

OK, now we're starting for real. Somehow I still feel like giving him a challenge.

"Dr. Seuss!"

"Bitte... Sehnsucht versteckt..." Finitevus muttered to himself and wrote something in his notebook. "Sweden!"

Time for more nonsense. "Dr. Seuss again!"

"Bitte, bitte, bestrafe mich..." Finitevus wrote something again. "Pickaxe!"

Now here's my catch. "Pickaxe!"

"Lemon acid! Achtung, nicht lemonade," the psychiatrist says.

This one is obvious. "Pyrosis!"

"Interesting, interesting. Porridge!" Finitevus shouts.

"Just Seuss, without the Dr," I chuckle.

Finitevus then gets up from his chair and writes some more baloney in his notebook. "Alright then, let me just put all the sums together, deduct an additional tax, add two eyes... and cough selfishly!" he says and coughs obscenely. "And laugh an evil laugh accompanied by lightning! Ahhhh ha ha ha ha haaaa!"

Lightning effects indeed appear outside, oddly enough.

"OK, I see that... you have no intelligence at all! Nicht intelligenzum! Extremely vacuum! A total moron, a complete oilem goilem!"

"Ah, damn it! I actually came here with a good feeling," I mutter. "Is there a winter date?"

"And now for something happier," Finitevus grins, and suddenly pulls out a knife! "KISHKES!"

I have no choice but to scream in terror and run while this psycho chases me with his knife. "Little kishke! I'll take out your kishke! The kishke!" he laughs maniacally.

I was too focused on running that I just didn't notice where I was running, and I accidentally ran into Finitevus' electric chair and found myself sitting on it. Finitevus then pulls a handle and activates some weird force, which... felt a bit nice.

"I see you want more," the psychiatrist grins, "so let's do that association game again, but with eins little twist! Miter!"

"Uh... tuberculosis!" I said nervously. Then Finitevus presses a button and the force gets stronger. OK, now my head feels a bit odd. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"After each question, I shall increase the power!" Finitevus snickers. "Sweden!"

"S-Swedes!" I replied intuitively. The force becomes stronger after Finitevus presses the same button again, and now my head hurts.

"How original," the echidna sighs. "Pickaxe!"

Thinking is starting to get harder at this point. "A Swedish miter!" I pant. Finitevus presses the same button once again and now I'm feeling like my head is going to explode.

"Lemon acid!" said Finitevus. "Achtung-"

"Enough, enough! I can't handle this anymore!" I shout and get off the chair. "I'm so dizzy, somebody call an ambulance! Uhhhhhhhhh...!"

"Hey... hey Sonic, are you OK?" Finitevus asked me. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it..."

At this point I don't really remember what happened. The next thing I see is a note from the director, stating I've fainted and just once scene was done by my understudy instead. Stay tuned until the next chapter when I get better.

TO BE CONTINUED...