How to Kill a Mary Sue…
Zatch Bell Style!
Hysterical Insanity Productions

Welcome to my guide to killing a Mary Sue! For the next month or so, I'll be getting help from the cast of Zatch Bell! First, let me say that I don't own Zatch Bell, but I do own the Mary Sues. Sadly. Also, I'm not responsible to any damage to your mind or body from reading the Mary Sues in this story! Now, let's meet today's May Sue!

A slender blonde beauty walks into the room. Her deliciously short skirt made of silk and satin is patterned with flowers that are not half as beautiful as her. Tossing her corn-silk locks over her petite but strong shoulder, she turns to wave delicately at the readers, who are feeling sick already.
"Hello, everyone, I'm Destiny Marie. I'm a crime-fighting vampire who happens to be 5 times Miss America!" Destiny's perfectly angelic and harmonious voice echoes out like the voice of an angel.

Now, her murderer…I mean, our other guest! Kiyo Takamine!
In a puff of smoke, the Japanese teen appears on the stage, looking thoroughly confused.
"How did I get here? And…who are you? Why does this stuff always happen to me?" Kiyo questions, as the authoress just smiles.
"Don't worry about that. Let me introduce you to Destiny!" Kiyo looks a bit perturbed at the evil grin on the authoress's face, before she vanishes.

"Hi, Kiyo! I'm Destiny! You probably already know me from my exploits as a vampire, and how I've been Miss America for the last 5 years!" Destiny's sweet and enchanting voice drifted heavenly across the stage. "Oh, and let's not forget how I solved that incredibly difficult case over in my home country of London!" She said, batting her long silky lashes that covered her almond shaped, sparkling, red eyes that were the exact color of ripe apples.

By this point, Kiyo was already agitated. Dragged out of his house on the weekend, transported to some weird game show thing, and confronted with a crazy woman who seemed to truly think she was perfect, Kiyo couldn't take any more. He snapped.

"LONDON IS NOT A COUNTRY! Even if it was, how could you be Miss AMERICA if you're from London? And I'm pretty certain they have an age limit, which you are obviously under! Another thing, VAMPIRES AREN'T REAL (the twilight fans gasped)! AND EVEN IF THEY WERE, AND YOU WERE ONE, WHY WOULD YOU SOLVE CRIME? Vampires are historically EVIL!" Kiyo paused for breath, panting from his sudden snap.

"But…I'm gorgeous!" Destiny breathed out in a gloriously melancholy sigh.

"NO! YOU'RE NOT! Thanks to you, I DON'T EVEN LIKE BLONDES ANYMORE!" Kiyo shouted with his last sane thought.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Elsewhere~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Zatch sat up and sniffled sadly. "I get the sudden feeling that Kiyo doesn't like me anymore…but that can't be true, right Vulcan?" Vulcan didn't reply.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Elsewhere AGAIN~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Apollo looked around. "Huh, that's weird. I was going to visit Kiyo, but I don't think that's a good idea anymore…What do you think Rops?" "Ka! Ka!" Rops cheered. If only we could translate that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Another Elsewhere~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sherry paused mid-step. "Brago?"
"What?"
"Why do I get the sudden urge to kill Kiyo Takamine?"
"How should I know?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Back at the studio~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"But….but….."Destiny struggled for a moment to figure out what to say. If she wasn't gorgeous, British, Miss America, crime fighting, and a vampire, then what she? It hit her then, if she wasn't something, then she must be nothing. With a puff, Destiny Marie imploded on herself. The crowd, and Kiyo, cheered.

Reappearing in a cloud of smoke, the authoress stepped forward.
"Way number 1 to kill a Mary Sue: logic!"

A now very jumpy and twitchy Kiyo walked toward her. "Can I just go home now?"
"Sure thing Kiyo! But first, let me announce that the next 'episode' invites Tia and Megumi as our guests!" The authoress said, smiling evilly.
"Wait, did you say Megumi and Tia?" Before he could get his answer, Kiyo vanished again, this time back to his house.

"Oh, Kiyo, you're home! Where've you been all day? Tia and Megumi came over while you were out. They're up stairs with Zatch, waiting for you!" His mother welcomed him home, while Kiyo's eyes widened.

"I have to warn them! They're in danger! TIA! MEGUMI! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THE MARY SUES…" But it was too late. As Kiyo stepped into the room, they disappeared in a puff of smoke, just like he had.

That's all for 'episode' one, folks. Next chapter: Kill it with Strangulation! The reason Kafk Sunbeam didn't get a 'Kiyo hates blondes' vibe, is because he was sleeping. That's my story and I'm sticking to it! It has nothing to do with my firm belief that his hair isn't blonde, but is actually made of sunlight. (Seriously, it is way too freaking bright!)
And yes, I did switch from first person in my point of view to third person. Why? Because it just wrote itself that way.