Tears pour down your face as you watch the scene in front of you. A part of you is disappearing, and you can't do a thing to stop it. You weren't there to save her, and even if you could have been, you don't think it would have been enough.
Last time you saw her, her skin was hot to touch. Now she's cold, and she's in the ground. She's in the fucking ground, and all you can do is cry. You should have been there.
She was your life, now you don't know how to go on living. You can't think about what she would have wanted, like people keep telling you, because you're too damn torn up and you refuse to accept…you refuse to accept that you're never going to see her again.
Now all you want to do is to find your way back to her. People say she's in a better place, and you want to scream at them to shut up, because how does anyone know that? All you know is that she's not here with you, and hearing about better places makes you feel like you weren't good enough.
Maybe you weren't good enough. Maybe this is your punishment, and it's all your fault. You should have been there. Should have, should have, should have. But you weren't, and now look where you are. She's in the ground, and you're looking down at her, standing on the edge, feeling like you could fall any second. She was your life, and she's gone.
The only things you seem to be able to remember right now are the ones that fill you with sadness, with bitterness. These memories are supposed to be bittersweet, you tell yourself. You're supposed to remember the good things, damn it. Why won't you think about them?
You think about her calling out for you, her voice betraying how much pain she was in, even if she told you she was fine, and everything was gonna be okay. She told you that, and then she left you. How could she? How could she just leave like that? And suddenly, a new emotion grabs hold of you, anger. Anger at her, for leaving, and at yourself, for not stopping her. You let her go. You should have been there.
You turn, and you walk away, the people with you not stopping you. You feel like you're dreaming, and you wish, more than anything that you could wake up from this nightmare. She was always there to calm you after your nightmares, and you can't bear the thought of sleeping anymore, without her beside you.
Every time you wake up, without her staring back at you, her arms wrapped around you comfortingly, you have to remember all over again, and you can't stand that. You should have been there.
Maybe if you'd been there they would have seen it sooner. Maybe you could have encouraged her to see someone. But all you're thinking about is the fucking what ifs. What if you'd never got on that goddamn train. Maybe you wouldn't be here now.
You don't know where you are, but it's getting dark. You've been walking for a long time, and you don't want to stop. If you stop, you'll have to remember all over again. You can't. You just can't. It hurts too much.
Why you? Why her? Why did this have to happen to the two of you? You scream for answers, not even knowing who you're screaming to. You don't believe in God. God wouldn't take her from you like this. You don't get any answer to your question, instead the silence echoes.
You've found yourself on the beach, where you shared your first kiss with her. You don't want to remember it, because when you think about your first kiss, the image that keeps crowding your head is that of your last kiss.
You look at your watch, whispering to yourself that the tide's turned, the same way you did to her, all that time ago. And you get ready for that change in your life: living it without her.