Someday, someone is going to hug you so tight
that all of your broken pieces will stick back together.
Amelia closed the trailer door behind her as quietly as possible. She ran to her black car, still holding in her breath as if Owen could still hear her and wake up at any moment. He hadn't woken up when she had warily moved his hand off her waist or when she had crawled off the bed or when she had put her clothes on. Amelia felt bad for leaving him, but her shift at the hospital was about to begin and she had stayed as long as she could.
Yet, going to work was still not an excuse for not waking Owen up and saying goodbye.
Amelia knew it, but sometimes it was easier just to not talk. Maybe it made her a coward, but Amelia wasn't feeling like a superhero anyways. It had been fun with Owen, flirting and all of that. But they had has sex last night, and she a feeling was creeping on her that the time to define the relationship was coming. And her last few relationships had… well, let's just say she wasn't with those men anymore. That should say enough.
She started the car and flinched at the hum of the engine. She knew she was making a mistake. She knew it and still she steered the car to the road and drove away from the trailer and from Owen. And most of all, away from the fact that she was most definitely falling for the redhead. And maybe she had been falling for him for a while now.
xxx
"Doctor Shepherd?" Owen asked awkwardly while glancing at the nurses chatting by the counter. Amelia turned her head hesitantly to find him settling right next to her, his arm almost brushing hers. It felt nice, nicer that she liked to admit. The nurses scattered away to do their jobs, leaving the pair standing relatively privately even with all the doctor and nurses walking by them in a fast pace. Owen too noticed their newfound privacy and began again. "You kind of ran away from me there."
Amelia put on her brave face and looked him in the eyes. That was a mistake. His eyes were wonderfully grey, and it took her back to the previous night, when he had stared right into her soul and moaned her name. "I had an early shift."
"You could've woken me up." Owen stated. Had he somehow drifted even closer to her now? It seemed like it. Or maybe she had instinctively moved nearer.
"I-" Her voice cracked. "I just. Yeah."
Owen looked worried and he had that look that she both loved and hated. It was a look he gave her whenever he knew exactly how she was feeling. "Did I – did I do something wrong?" His voice was low and wary and almost blue.
Amelia flinched and stepped back half a step to get better eye contact – oh, the subtle height difference they had. "No. I just. I'm silly. That's me." She made an unintentional silly face. God, this was going really badly. She was about to ruin the whole thing and she just wanted to smack her head against the counter. "You were… perfect. Trust me. Just – never mind. Forget the whole thing."
"We should talk about this." Owen leaned in closer as a nurse that was known for his gossip spreading skills walked by. Amelia understood he did it to go unheard, but the lack of space between them now would intrigue an even less gossipy nurse. "'kay? I know how… intimidating it feels. I mean… I didn't expect you, at all." She noticed she was holding in her breath and her shoulders were tense until he set his other hand on her shoulder. His thumb settled onto the crook of her neck and she had to force herself not to shiver. "I asked you – a while back – if you had people and I guess I'd like to be one of those people."
Amelia's heart melted and a rather shy smile overtook her face. Owen was smiling now too, in a gentle fashion. She searched for the right words but found none and probably looked stupid while doing so, but she couldn't bring herself to care about it.
"What about I take you to a proper dinner someday?" He asked her a mere second before her pager beeped. They both let out frustrated groans and Amelia nodded warmly before taking off to the ER. The smile on her face remained there on her way to the patient.
Unbeknownst to her, Owen was staring at her back as the distance between them grew and grew until she turned around the corner. Then he shook his head to get out of the bliss in order to get back to work. But still, Amelia Shepherd consumed his mind that day, every inch of her skin and her piercing blue eyes and the way she tended to look baffled in front of him.
xxx
"This is nice." Amelia nodded approvingly at the little picnic Owen had put together in his trailer (which Derek had previously owned) and put on display on the small table of the trailer. "Very nice indeed. I didn't know you could cook."
Owen smiled charmingly. "Only the best for you. Which means I asked my mom for cooking advice, but I did do all of this in the end. Um, have a seat." Amelia did as was told and Owen sat across the table. She spotted a bottle of sparkly lemon water and grabbed it to examine it closer.
"Is this the bottle I gave you?" she asked in disbelief, turning the bottle up and down in her hands. "You kept it?"
"Yeah," Owen look embarrassed. "You said you didn't drink wine, so I thought –"
"I'm impressed by this." Amelia remarked and Owen appeared to be relieved. It was dark and raining outside, as it always was in Seattle, Washington. "I can't believe you're still single!" And as soon as she had said those words, she regretted it and wanted to smash the bottle on her own head.
Owen had a small smile on his face, it was perhaps a little flirty, and he didn't appear as thrown by her comment as she was. "I was kind of hoping I wasn't still single." Yes, his smile was definitely flirty. Amelia had never had such a physical reaction to a man. Every time she saw or talked to Owen or thought about it, the butterflies in her stomach went nuts, her heart skipped beats and ironically enough, the neurosurgeon's brains stopped functioning.
Amelia had feared for this. Defining the relationship. Ever since she had quit drinking and partying she had lost all of her game. Prior to that decision she could've just winged it, not cared about it, but without the almighty power of booze, it was nerving to do this. But somehow Owen made this feel okay. Like she could be in a relationship without Uncle Alcohol visiting every now and then.
"Well, if that's your wish, then I see no reason why you should be single then." Amelia responded, smiling. Yasss. She had some of her game back. Maybe she should just focus on her Owen game from now on.
"Well alright then." Owen leaned in over the table and kissed her softly, his left hand resting on the crook of her neck, buried among her dark locks. The kiss was awkward because of the table keeping them apart, so Amelia decided to practice her Owen game and got up. Owen rushed off his seat as well and they crashed together to kiss each other in a more comfortable position. Her hands kind of knew what parts of his arms were most touchable and his rough hands found their way to the hem of her black shirt. His other hand slipped under the blouse and onto her back while their kiss went on. His hand was cool and she shivered, eliciting a low laughter from him. He slowly walked her backwards to the bed and began tugging off her shirt. Amelia couldn't fathom how he knew her body so well even though they had done this only a couple of times.
Afterwards, they microwaved their dinner and talked. And talked and talked and talked. Their throats were sore at the end of the night, but somehow neither of them had had the idea to open up the bottle of water.
xxx
"Owen!" Callie called his name, causing him to stop walking and turn around. Callie had an energetic smile on her face and she looked ready to jump up and down with enthusiasm. "Are you up to some clubbing later tonight? I know you're not on call by the way, so don't even bother lying. We need to get ourselves out there."
Owen chuckled at her glee and then remembered he had planned to spend the night with Amelia. However, Amelia was stubborn about keeping their thing a secret for a little longer. Owen didn't mind, at least not yet, because he knew Derek wouldn't be happy about it and the hospital protocol about dating was frustrating. A little voice in his mind still wished Amelia would come out of the dating closet with him. Soonish.
"Actually, I'm kind of out there already," Owen told Callie a little awkwardly, but couldn't control his smile.
"You have a date? Get out of here!" Callie exclaimed, her eyes widening as she playfully punched him in the shoulder. "Why didn't you tell me, Owen?"
"It's… new." Owen lied partly. It was rather new, but the truth was that it felt like ever since Cristina broke things off with him (maybe even before?) every little thing had been anticipating Amelia. And she'd appeared at the hospital one day and now…
"Is she someone I know?" Callie fished for information, her eyes glimmering with curiosity.
"I have a surgery." Owen blocked the question and turned around. "Have nice evening, Doctor Torres."
"That is not fair!" Callie exclaimed behind him. Owen chuckled as he headed towards the OR. "Is she the one? Owen! Doctor Hunt, you come back here right now!"
Owen grinned, and in his mind he answered both of Callie's questions: yes, she is.
xxx
"Amelia, I know you and Owen are a thing!" Meredith spat it out as Amelia was preparing to leave for her night shift. She froze instantly, and then took a defensive pose, her arms crossed across her chest. "I was feeding Bailey – the baby, obviously – when I saw you and him sitting by the trailer. And not in a friendly way. Not sitting like two friends or co-workers would sit together."
"So?" Amelia grumbled, pouting and cursing her failure to keep the thing under wraps.
"So, you shouldn't be with him!" Meredith argued as she turned on the dishwasher and rolled up the sleeves of her sweater.
Amelia rolled her eyes. "You're being dramatic, Mer. You're happy now, why can't I be?"
"Because Owen is in love with Cristina! My best friend, soulmate and person Cristina!" Meredith's croaky voice was now getting in on Amelia's nerves and she opened the door to the yard, not wanting to hear any more of this nonsense, not wanting to doubt this now. She had a big brain tumour waiting for her today in the OR. Her hand wavered on the cool, metallic door handle.
"I know he used to be married. I used to be a junkie. The past is past." She forced herself to utter.
"Not in this case." Meredith told her insistently as she gathered her sandy blonde hair into her signature ponytail. Amelia turned her back to leave. "Amy, Cristina and Owen are like… me and Derek. They're epic love. Do you know how many times I thought me and Derek were over? Well, we never were over."
Amelia huffed in disgust. In disgust that one of her closest friends would do this to her.
"And if they're over, then it's because Cristina didn't want to have a child." Meredith's voice was now all intense and firm, and she was straightening up on the bed: "Do you? Want a child, I mean? Because if you don't, I don't see Owen and you working out."
The shaking of her hand had gotten too much and she exited the Grey-Shepherd house. She practically ran to her car, Meredith's voice echoing in her head. Amelia wasn't really on the map about Owen and Cristina's relationship, but if it was anything like Meredith and Derek's romance… she was in it just to be hurt. She started the car, angry at everyone. At Meredith for speaking up, at Owen for being in love with his ex, at Cristina Yang for having loved Owen and at herself for letting herself rush into this thing.
xxx
"Amelia, can we talk for a second?" Owen caught up with her in the pale green hallways of the Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital. He had an easy-going, goofy smile on his handsome face and his hand found its place on her shoulder.
"I'm busy." She shrugged his hand off her, not bothering to spare him a look. She sped up her pace and left the baffled chief of surgery behind.
xxx
"Amelia, talk to me." Owen begged. He had followed her to the parking lot and they were standing between two cars, a space that had never before made Amelia as nervous. "You've been either lashing out at me or ignoring me for a while now. Whatever I did, I'm sorry about it." His blue eyes were desperate and Amelia's heart pounded. No matter how hard she tried to refuse liking him so damn much, she couldn't resist him.
She zipped up her jacket and sighed. "Let it go, Owen."
His eyes searched the sky for a second before returning to her face. "Why are you doing this? I told you, you don't have to run from me. I'm not going to hurt you."
"We –" she began and he nodded, urging her to go on. His hands were on his hips and a warm breeze ruffled his hair. Amelia felt pathetic. Why, indeed. She licked her lips determinedly. "I don't think we'll work out. I'm a little… younger." Why, why, why did she say that? Owen too had summed up the years.
"We're only seven years apart." He seemed amused now, but then it disappeared from his face.
"What I'm trying to say is… we wouldn't have worked out. Let's just end it on good terms, okay?" Amelia said but instantly noticed that Owen didn't seem to be giving up, and she came up with the most hurtful thing she could come up with in such a short notice. "What did you think? An ex junkie and crazy PTSD veteran being together? What part of that sentence sounds good to you?"
Amelia let it sink in. "Just let it go, okay?" She opened the door of her car and slammed it shut. From the rear-view mirror she saw Owen's hunched shoulders as he walked away. A tear escaped her eye but she swept it away before starting the car.
xxx
"Hunt seems to be really upset." Maggie observed as they were eating lunch in the cafeteria. On the other end of the cafeteria Owen was eating with Webber and Robbins. His companions were having a conversation that included laughter, smiles and all that crap, but Owen was barely paying attention to them and was staring his macaroni casserole apathetically. "Not that it's any of my business, though."
Amelia tore her eyes off Owen and squeezed the hem of her blue scrubs under the table. "Exactly. Eat that ridiculous chicken salad, Pierce, so you can get back to consulting me on this impossible case." It came out as playfully as Amelia had intended but her eyes were joyless.
xxx
"I've changed my mind." Meredith came to Amelia one day when she was doing research for surgery in the guest bedroom – why, oh why was she still living with her brother and his wife and children? "Go for it."
"For what?" Amelia asked bluntly.
"For Owen."
Amelia turned and glared at her sister-in-law. "What changed your mind?"
Meredith sat on the bed and sighed. "I may have had some bias when I was talking to you that day… I miss Cristina and Owen getting over Cristina means that she's really gone. And she's my person. The truth is that Owen and Cristina weren't like me and Derek. And Owen is miserable without you. He's moping around the hospital, annoying the heck out of people."
"I still have no idea of what the heck you mean by 'person'…" Amelia murmured and turned back to her laptop. "And by the way, I'm getting an apartment of my own because you don't know how to knock!"
"Think about it."
"You were right. We shouldn't be together," Amelia said just as she had rehearsed, just in case of a situation like this. Her words were robot-like.
Meredith sighed and got up. "Fine. But can you take care of the kids tonight? Derek and I have to go to work."
"Sure." Amelia nodded.
xxx
"Park, go check up on Mrs. Edison. Check her vitals and inform me of any changes." Amelia strictly instructed a new intern before turning back to her paper work. She was trying hard to concentrate on the empty lines on the yellow paper, but something kept distracting her. She licked her dry lips (she always forgot to apply lip balm) and tied her hair into a ponytail. Better, but only barely. Normally she worked just fine in the crowded hall, but now it was hell. She raised her head to see Owen looking at her. It was the kind of look that she knew had been originally unintended. A stolen glance that had been meant to last only for a second or two as he was passing by. But Amelia had caught him, and what she saw was a pair of heartbroken bright eyes. They looked deep into each other's eyes for a quick moment, and then he was walking away stiffly and she felt like an asshole.
xxx
Amelia stretched her hands as she walked to the on call rooms. Her ICU patient had made it and she considered herself worth a quick nap before the next catastrophe hit Seattle. She entered the dark on call room and closed the door behind her. She let out a long sigh as her eyes adjusted to the dark. She almost gasped when she noticed Owen sitting on the edge of a bed. She had thought she was alone but she had been wrong.
"Ow – " she began, too surprised to stop herself from speaking up. He looked up at her and even with the lack of light, she noticed the red puffiness of his eyes. Oh crap. "Owen?"
"I'm sorry, I'll leave." Owen got up, but Amelia put her hands up in soothing manner.
"No no no. I'll leave. You were here first."
He returned to the bed and looked at her sadly. She couldn't break the look and settled for saying: "Rough night?"
"Lost a patient."
"Crap."
"Yeah."
A voice in her head screamed her not to do so, but another voice in her head advised her gently to comfort Owen. In moments like this Amelia hated how compassionate she could be. But being an ex-junkie that had lost her child had made her like that. Compassionate and understanding. So she sat next to him – a respectable distance away, of course. "That's too bad. I'm sure you did everything."
"I did," Owen nodded and whispered. "It accounted for nothing."
"Cristina got nominated for another Harper Avery today. Exciting, is it not?" Amelia blurted out to get rid of the silence. Filter, filter, filter! Addison and Violet and everyone in LA had told her to work on it, and yet here she was, saying the first thing that came into her head. Repeat: she had no game. And Cristina Yang's second HA nomination had been on her mind for the past couple of days, mostly because she attributed Owen's distraught to missing Cristina.
Owen had frozen for a second, and then he looked at her, reading her thoughts far too easily, triumph and unintended amusement in his still teary eyes. "This. This is because of Cristina, isn't it?" Amelia didn't answer, just let her eyes wander to the floor. "She's not here anymore."
"But if she were," Amelia uttered. "If she were here, you wouldn't be with me right now. You'd be with her."
"False," Owen denied.
"Don't lie to me!" Amelia exclaimed, feeling herself get emotional too. "You'll just make me feel even worse by trying to make me feel better."
"Cristina and I didn't work out. We're too different, we want entirely different things." Owen told her determinedly. "Some time ago, when you weren't here yet, I decided what I wanted. She decided too, and that's why we wouldn't be together." Amelia remained silent. "I didn't think I could fall for someone so quickly after she left, but then you came along. Amelia, I know you. Why can't you let me be the one for you?"
"My baby died, Owen." Amelia whispered barely audibly. "My unicorn baby was born without brains and I let them tear him apart."
"To save other infants," Owen's ache was clear to her, not only because of his tone, but because she felt it too. She felt great sadness every single day, every time her hand accidentally touched her stomach, the place where a baby had once been. No, not just a baby. Her baby. And Amelia felt another kind of ache, an ache for Owen. But she couldn't let herself be in love with him, though that was a lost battle already.
His hand found her back and she sprang up from the crappy bed the hospital had to offer to the on call doctor. "No! You don't want me! You want a freaking version of Cristina who wants babies! And I'm not Cristina!" She was teary now, and she hated it. The past few years had included way too many tears and so much sorrow, with Ryan's death and her anencephalic baby.
"Amelia!" Owen hopped off the bed as well, and placed his hands on her arms. "Amelia. It's not like that." The morning light was filtering through the half-open blinders, casting bizarre lines of light into the dark room. "I don't want another Cristina. There's only one Cristina. And there's only one – one – woman for me."
Amelia did her best to blink her tears away and to keep her walls up, failing at both: "I don't know if I'll be ever able to have a baby again. What if I'm just a brainless baby making machine? Listen to me, you don't want me."
"I do!" Owen exclaimed, now clearly frustrated with her.
"Why?" Amelia threw her hands in the air.
"I don't know!" Owen cried out, then shook his head, hands still holding her in place, kindly. His grey eyes pierced deep into her and he seemed to be calming down from just their eye contact and the fact that she was here, in front of him, hearing him out even if she was reluctant to be convinced. "Actually, I do know." He became agitated again. "It's because we have this extraordinary connection where we know how the other one is feeling. I admire how much you've survived, how much you've endured. And you're a highly skilled and a talented and a beautiful surgeon. And – and you're compassionate! You are Amelia Shepherd. And, now, I couldn't imagine my life without you. So let me prove myself to you. I won't let you down, I promise that to you."
Amelia examined him closely for a second. His expression was sincere, just like everything about him. He was just a really sincere man, passionate and loving. And he smelt so damn nice. Something about his smell reminded her of home, a place that was safe and comfortable and something she couldn't imagine living without. And she couldn't imagine not having Owen or seeing him with anyone else than her, and she realized it in the moment.
Amelia's breath hitched in her throat as she uttered: "I'll prove myself to you too." Suddenly their bodies crashed together when Owen pulled her to him, not to kiss her, simply to embrace her and it felt like heaven after about a month of not being able to touch him or tell him how much she wanted him.
And Amelia felt like she needed to say something else, but she didn't. Because their connection prevailed even when they were speechless. So she just hugged him back, drinking in the feeling of all of her broken pieces sticking back together and embracing the knowledge that she was doing the same for him.
It's not a momentary phase, you're my life
I don't deserve you, but you love me just the same
AN: Quotes aren't mine. The bit at the end is from Safety Suit's song Never Stop.