I fucked up.
I really did this time.
I'll admit it. I messed up. I, Eric Theodore Cartman, have messed up my entire life because of a stupid, insane, idiotic decision.
At least, I wish it was a decision.
That would have made everything easier, because I could have just come up with something elaborate to get myself out of it.
But this wasn't a decision.
It was who I was.
I really found out when I got turned on in the showers in the boy's locker room at school. I was able to shake that off as I was horny lately and some chick I had been banging recently came into my head.
But I was turned on after looking at Kyle's ass when he leaned over - just slightly - to grab his shampoo.
Unfortunately, curiosity got the best of me.
I started searching up images of naked men, jacking off to them, reading, watching, looking. I couldn't stop.
That's when I knew.
But that wasn't the worst of it.
I could have kept that secret for years - I already had a year under my belt.
I could have completely forgotten about it.
Maybe.
Because I did what I promised not to do.
I fell in love.
With a boy I hated.
Loathed.
A ginger.
Jersey.
Jewish boy.
That was the end of me.
Because love does stupid things to your brain.
I still remember that horrid look on his face when I came out to the guys. I didn't tell him my feelings for him, no; I just figured I should tell the guys to make it easy for me when I did tell him.
Kenny was fine, being bi and all.
Stan was glad I felt comfortable enough to come out.
Kyle didn't like it.
And it was obvious.
But my heart told me it was just insecurities.
That, maybe, just maybe… He actually felt the same as I did.
That something would still happen between us.
That he was just afraid of the consequences and was putting on a show to fool all of us.
...
I have never been so fucking wrong in my entire life.
"Don't fucking talk to me you homosexual bastard. I'm not gay, and I never will be, got it? Even if, for some God fucking awful reason, I was, why would I ever want to be with you? You're obese, insensitive, self-centered, cruel, and just a down-right living nightmare. This isn't some stupid-ass fairy tale, where everything just works out in the end. I don't want you near me, faggot. Understand?"
…
The words hurt.
The face made me cry.
That's right.
For hours.
He was serious.
But the more I think about his words, I can only keep thinking about how right he was.
There is no princess to save.
No magic.
No fairy Godparent to come set things right.
No evil family members who got what they deserved in the end.
And certainly no happily ever after.
Because fear is evil.
And in our world, evil can triumph over good.
But the worst evil?
That's being afraid of something you can't decide.
And even though being gay wasn't a decision I could make…
It didn't mean I couldn't choose to end my story before I fucked up again.
Cause people like me only fall in love once.
…
I, Eric Theodore Cartman, have fucked up.
And never will again.