Me: Sup! Diana here. I was reading Sue fics, and this appeared. I... am truly ashamed. This is dedicated to AnythingButRegular, a good friend who was blissfully unaware of Sues. Not anymore.
Allie: Why do you torture your friends?
Me: Because he got a stupid song stuck in my head, and I need payback. You're one to talk anyway. Who was the one who has been teasing me since your creation?
Allie: ...No comment.
Me: Good. Anyway, read on, and please know that I don't own Danny Phantom, though I have made wishes that I could. The ONE time Desiree isn't around... Either way, read on!
It was an ordinary day at Casper High. The sun was shining, the students were heading to class, and Casper's resident ghost boy was facing off against a robotic ghost in a fight for his afterlife. This ghost boy was, of course, our hero, Danny Phantom. The robotic ghost, if you haven't already guessed it, was Skulker, the self-proclaimed Ghost Zone's Greatest Hunter. They were in a stand-off several yards above the school, but close enough to the building where some of the students were watching the fight.
"Come on, Skulker. Will you ever give up?" Danny said, dodging missiles and shooting ghost rays at the villian.
"Never, ghost child. As I said at the North Pole, I will never stop hunting you." Another missile was fired, and was skillfully dodged by the young halfa. As Skulker was preparing to fire again, Danny sighed and sucked him into the Fenton Thermos.
"Skulker never learns..." He sadly stated, floating down to the ground. He phased into the school, changing back into his human form of Danny Fenton as he entered his classroom. Mr. Lancer sighed, and turned his attention away from the class and a girl at the front to Danny.
"Who was it this time?" Danny held up the thermos.
"Skulker, again." Lancer nodded as Danny took his seat. He turned his attention back to the girl at the front. The girl had knee length coppery brown hair that shone. Her eyes were a dark forest green that sparkled. She was petite, and somehow had gorgeous curves and the world's skinniest waistline at the same time. She had long gorgeous lashes, and gorgeous facial features, her skin a flawless tan that looked like she'd grown up in California. Her lips were a ruby red color, the same as her nails. Her clothes were so tight you think they'd be uncomfortable, a tank top showing her midriff and booty shorts with thigh high boots. She smiled, her teeth a perfect straight snowy white. Danny was unaffected by her beauty, having been dating Sam ever since the Disasteroid thing, which had occurred a good 6 months ago. Tucker, however, was drooling.
"Class, this is-" The flawless girl interrupted.
"I'm Sarah Caitlin Jezabel Golden Swirl Blossom Danielle Artemis Ocean Ariel Candy Talara Midnight Penny Thompson. You can call me Sarah. Hi Danny!" She waved, and Danny just gaped at her. Her parents must have hated her to give her such a name. Lancer raised a brow, then regained his composure.
"Yes, right. Miss Thompson, you may take the seat directly behind-"
"Danny, of course." Danny had to look around to see that the open seat behind Ashley had been taken over the course of 5 seconds, and the seat behind him that had once contained Nathan was somehow open. Sarah beamed, and skipped over to sit behind Danny, her silvery gray eyes shining.
"Wait, weren't her eyes green earlier?" The thing- I mean, Sarah- passed a note to Danny. He read it, and his eyes went wide, his jaw slack.
"Dear Danny,
This is Sarah Caitlin Jezabel Golden Swirl Blossom Danielle Artemis Ocean Ariel Candy Talara Midnight Penny Thompson. I know you're really Danny Phantom. You are so hot. Do you remember me? I'm your girlfriend. We are going to have beautiful half ghost babies! I'm a halfa too! Dan, like, tortured me! You need to protect me! He's so EVUL! You are hawt. Marry me.
Love, Sarah Caitlin Jezabel Golden Swirl Blossom Danielle Artemis Ocean Ariel Candy Talara Midnight Penny Thompson."
There were SO many problems with that note. First, the world knew he was Danny Phantom. They had for 6 months. Second, Sam was his girlfriend. Again, for 6 months. Why would he want Sarah Whatever's children? Third, how did she ever become a halfa? The only way was to be caught in a man made ghost portal start up, and there were only 2 of those. The one at Fenton Works, and the one in Tucker's mayor mansion. There could be other ways, of course, like being a natural halfa (Too gross to consider) or being exposed to the same amount of electricity and ectoplasm, just without a portal. Fourth, how did Dan torture her? He was still locked up in the thermos at Clockwork's. Fifth, child marriage was illegal. They were only 15. He shuddered at the note. Sarah tapped on his shoulder, and gave him a winning smile, her now golden yellow eyes gazing into Danny's. Danny looked away, deciding to actually take notes in class for once.
(OMG IM A SUEISH LINE BREAK)
After an hour of being stared at by Sarah and her eyes that changed color every other minute, Danny was more than happy to leave class and head to lunch. He grabbed his books, and had to literally fly to the cafeteria so that she couldn't catch him. As soon as he got to lunch, he sat down with Sam and Tucker, anxiously looking around to make sure she couldn't catch him.
"Geez, what made you so freaked out? You look like you've seen a ghost. Or something else really scary that we don't see every day." Sam commented, looking worriedly at his fidgetty demeanor. Danny sighed.
"It's the new girl. She's a halfa, apparently, and she scares me." Tucker laughed.
"You mean Sarah? How does she scare you? She's totally hot." Danny gave him a glare that could almost rival Sam's.
"She said she was my girlfriend, said we should have beautiful halfa children, and asked to marry me. She's scary." Danny deadpanned. Tucker shrugged.
"I'd be fine with that happening to me. In fact, I kinda wish-" He was interrupted as Sam and Danny clamped their hands on his mouth.
"NEVER SAY WISH!" They yelled in unison.
"Don't you remember the last time you made a wish? Tucker Phantom?" Tucker shuddered.
"Don't remind me. That was freaky." Sam raised an eyebrow at her friends' exchange.
"Are you two ever going to tell me what happened that week?" The boys shook their heads.
"Trust me, Sam. You are better off not knowing." Danny said, shuddering at the reminder of that week. Unfortunately, as soon as Sarah and her weirdness was pushed from his mind, she appeared, looking like she'd been running. Actually, no she didn't. Not a single hair was out of place. It was entirely unnatural.
(Insert witty line break here)
Meanwhile, a small team was moving in. A short, chubby girl with frizzy brown hair and freckles took out her binoculars. She peered into them, her focus on the girl with perfect features. She spoke into a device on her ear resembling silver Fenton Phones.
"Skinny One, this is Frizzy One. The Sue has been spotted. Over." A voice, deep and male, spoke.
"Kara, just speak normally. I see the Sue. She's trying to woo the protagonist. We need to interfere. Quickly." Kara sighed.
"Andy, talking normal is boring. Especially for a mission." She put away her binoculars and walked out from behind a tall potted plant. She dusted off her black hoodie with a red circle with a red line over the word 'Sue' in pink bubble letters, grabbing a black bag with the same symbol, the words 'Sue Busters' on it beneath that symbol. She was met by a tall skinny beanpole of a boy with shaggy red hair, covering his thick glasses. He was wearing the exact same hoodie.
"Do you have the equipment?" Kara nodded to her partner, opening the bag. She took out what looked like a grappling gun with a slot in the top.
"The spork shooter is here. Along with extra sporks. Boss is bringing the dictionary. She'll be here soon." At that moment, a girl with a perfect body and her hood up on the Sue Buster hoodie with 'M.A.R.I.A.' monogrammed on it walked into the cafeteria. The only features visible on her shadowed face were her glowing violet eyes. She had a satchel over her shoulder. Kara smiled at her.
"Hey Maria!" Kara said in a squeaky tone. Maria's face lit up with a smile in her eyes.
"Hey. Is the target located?" Maria said, her voice having a lyrical quality. Andy nodded solemnly.
"The one who calls herself Sarah shall be apprehended." He said professionally. Kara gave an uncharacteristically serious salute to the leader of Squad #582M of the Sue Busters. Maria nodded.
"We must act now, before she activates her reality manipulation. We can't lose another protagonist. He has too large of a fandom."
"We can't erase him from existence like we could with Matthew Kentsworth. It'd make too big of an impact." Kara responded. Andy grabbed a spork shooter out of the bag, also grabbing one for Maria. She shook her head.
"No. I can't have one of those, remember? They affect me almost as much as they do the monsters we destroy." Andy put the shooter back in the bag.
"Sorry Boss. I forgot. You are nothing like you were meant to be." Maria frowned, or seemed to.
"Don't apologize. I strive to erase all qualities from that existence." Kara beamed.
"Let's save Danny! Clockwork will get on our case if we don't. The Kinarin McAwesome incident is something I'm still getting flack for from Mr. Time Lord. That Sue got WAY out of hand." Andy gave an impish grin.
"I love this assignment. This Mary Sue is one of the worst. She needs to go bye-bye." The team rushed over to Danny's table, focussing on Sarah.
"-so I had a totally tragic past, and my parents hated me, and Dan orphaned me and tortured me-"
"I know I would..." Sam muttered. Danny stopped banging his head on the table just long enough to nod in agreement with his Goth girlfriend. Tucker, however, had finally stopped hanging onto her every word, now staring at her like she was crazy. Danny continued banging his head on the table, until a group of three people in matching hoodies came up to the table. 2 of them held weird grappling gun-like devices. The third looked like the leader, with their hood up showing nothing but her ruby red eyes, which had been violet earlier.
"Are you the one called Sarah Caitlin Jezabel Golden Swirl Blossom Danielle Artemis Ocean Ariel Candy Talara Midnight Penny Thompson?" The leader asked in her lyrical voice.
"Yes? Who are you? You seem familiar." Maria let down her hood, and what was there was shocking. Her features were soft and perfect, more so than Sarah's. Her hair was shoulder length, a silky raven black streaked with a violet color that couldn't be attained with dye. She had a calm expression on her face, a smirk barely present on her pink lips.
"I am Macy Amber Raina Indigo Angelou, commonly refered to as Maria. You are a criminal that is to be eliminated." The smirk widened. "Violently."
"I'm Kara Gold. We destroy your kind. You won't be able to alter any more canon universes when we... remove you. Permanently." The frizzy brunette girl sprang in. The boy was the last to speak.
"Andy Lawrence. We are the Sue Busters. Prepare to meet your Suethor." He had a grin on his face that made him look extremely similar to the Weasley twins, especially coupled with his carrot colored hair. Our favorite ghost hunting trio was highly confused by this exchange, having never met a Sue to their knowledge. Of course, they had before, but the memories were erased, having been deemed too traumatic to keep. The only sign of those memories were 'fictional' stories on .
"Sarah is a criminal? Sure, she's creepy, but she didn't break any laws, did she?" Danny asked. The leader spoke.
"Our kind is what is refered to as 'Mary Sues'. Typically, they break the laws of canon by monopolizing or replacing canon characters. Often, they have perfect physical features and are incredibly powerful. This 'Sarah' is particularly awful. Her plan was to make you forget Sam and Tucker by showing you the supposed wonders of her and her beauty." The canon characters gaped. Sarah had finally left her shock to speak to Maria.
"You! You're the Sue who refused her gifts! You're Queen Rebel!" Maria gave her a wide smile.
"Why, of course. Sues violate canon. Just because I was created to be a Sue doesn't mean I must follow those laws." Sam smiled at her independence.
"You can't eliminate meh! Im lik ttly hawt!1!" Maria reached into her bag to grab a dictionary.
"Her vocabulary is deteriorating. Atrocious grammar. Her Suehood is beginning to show through even more." She threw the dictionary at the strange being, somehow managing to ruffle her neat hair. She turned to Danny. "You know how you had all those questions after reading her note?" Danny nodded slowly. Maria grinned. "Ask them now. ALL of them." Danny sprang into action.
"Why do you think it's so special to know my identity when I told the world 6 months ago? Why do you think you're my girlfriend when I've been dating Sam for 6 months? How did you become a halfa, since it nearly always requires a man made portal? How in the name of Clockwork did Dan torture you when he only exists outside of time and was here in our time for about 5 hours? Finally, why in the Ghost Zone would I marry you when I have a girlfriend and child marriage is illegal?" Sarah's form started to look mushy and unstable, the color of her eyes flashing so quickly it looked like a rainbow blur.
"Nooo! U cant dstroii meh1!1 Danneh is mine!11!11! Get away NAO!1!" A weak golden ring split around her waist, converting her clothes into a pink and white glittery bikini that looked like it belonged in Vegas. Her coppery hair turned platinum, her nails a neon green. Her eyes continued to flash, looking like a psychadelic animation.
"Time for the final blow. Fire the sporks!" Kara and Andy did so gleefully, the sporks hitting their target. There was a loud popping noise, and all that was left of Sarah was a pile of rainbow glitter. Sam backed away from the glitter, muttering something about evil sparkly rainbows. Danny stared at it in revulsion at what used to be an evil halfa Sue. Andy gave a grin that rivaled the Cheshire Cat's, grabbing a small vial from the bag that the spork shooters came from. The glitter was sucked into the vial as it was uncorked, the only remains of the Sue floating around inside instead of settling at the bottom. Kara gleefully grabbed the vial from Andy, writing the acronym 'SCJGSBDAOACTMPT' on the vial. The despicable being's initials. Maria grabbed the vile thing, dropping it in her satchel as if it burned her.
"Wait! Why was I supposed to ask those questions? How did you defeat her with sporks? How did you even know about her? Who are you all?" Danny asked, still confused by the exchange.
"In order, Sues can only be destroyed by logic, and you questioned the logic of all she told you. Her weakness of sporks is basically a symbol of how illogical she is, since her weakness is silly and makes no sense." Kara said, perky as ever. Andy interrupted her.
"We have eyes everywhere, on the lookout for all Sueish activity. Out of character actions from protagonists, new girls who have ghost powers, relatives of Vlad, things like that." Andy said with his usual mischievous demeanor. Maria answered the last part.
"We are Squad #582M of a secret organization known as the Sue Busters. I am Macy Amber Raina Indigo Angelou, commonly referred to as Maria. I lead this squad. My associates are Andrew Lawrence, who prefers to be called Andy, and Karoline Gold, whose nickname is Kara. Our objective is to apprehend and eliminate blights who attempt to manipulate canonical universes." Danny gave her a confused glare, and Sam rolled her eyes.
"They destroy creepy girls who try to influence heroes from different dimensions." Danny's gaze was filled with realization, then confusion again.
"Wait, if you destroy those Mary Sue things, why do you do it if you are one?" Maria's icy blue gaze darkened.
"I refuse to associate with those monsters. While I was created to be one, my Suethor got careless. I was given a will of my own as well as my manipulative qualities. I refused to give in to her will, acting out her childish fantasies. She abandoned me, taking most of my powers. I was found by the Sue Busters, as my case interested them. It's rare to find a Sue with a brain. They took me in, and I wanted to make sure that those repulsive beings I was created to become couldn't act out the authors' desires to have a magical hero boyfriend. I now lead one of the most successful teams of the Sue Busters." Sam grinned at her unconventional approach to her destiny. Tucker, who had frozen watching all of this, finally shook himself out of his trance.
"Sup. I'm-" Maria rolled her eyes, smirking.
"Tucker Foley, that's TF as in Too Fine. I know. I've seen your case before. Paulina is a subject of controversy, as she is a borderline Sue." Kara stepped up to Tucker, winking.
"Hi Tucker. I'd love to date you. Pick me up at 7." Tucker's face lit up in a way that only a new PDA could cause. Andy started chuckling at his partner's eagerness, laughing harder at the dumbfounded expressions on the faces of Danny and Sam. Maria had to hide her smile.
"How on Earth is Paulina not one of those Sue things?" Sam asked. "She wants to date Danny, is considered flawless by 95% of the school, and is a true moron."
"While all of those things are true, real Sues aren't pointlessly cruel. And usually, they are percieved as deep, not shallow. Plus, she has a mole. Isn't it obvious?" Maria replied to Sam. Sam nodded, having frequently referred to Paulina as shallower than a puddle. Andy spoke up.
"Yo, boss? We have to deliver the Sue to Clockwork. He'll want to fill up that set of vials next to the Thermos." Kara stepped away from Tucker and nodded to him. Maria looked back at her team, and nodded.
"We've gotta go. Mr. Time Lord gets awfully cranky if we influence the canon too much. That's why these memories are usually erased. Kara, don't get out the memory wiper we got from the Men in Black canon. They should remember this one, as they need to be prepared for Sues. This one got too close. She almost realized she could influence canon." Kara gave a sheepish grin. Maria pressed her hand to her face. "You forgot it, didn't you?" Kara nodded, giving a smile that said plainly 'Forgive me, I'm too cute to die.' Maria sighed loudly. "You should be glad I decided to let them keep their memories, or you'd be demoted. Again." Andy shook his head at the memories of his silly, absent-minded team mate.
"Let's go." He shoved up his shirt sleeve to reveal a strange watch with multi-colored buttons. He pressed a large purple button, causing a natural portal to the Ghost zone to open. Kara kissed Tucker, who turned bright crimson, then stepped through the portal. Maria grabbed the bag, muttered about forgetful psychos, and stepped through as well. Andy looked back at Danny, hesitating, then walked over to him.
"Do you need revenge on anyone?" Danny looked thoughtful, then nodded, grimacing. Andy pulled a small book out of his pocket, then whispered something in Danny's ear.
"You are evil. I can't wait." Andy gave that mischievous grin so common on his features, handing the book to Danny.
"If you need more ideas, there are bunches in here. Come to Clocky's place to tell me how it went. Plus, I have more supplies there. Things I've confiscated from Harry Potter stories. The Weasley twins really are geniuses." He shook his head, grinning with remembrance. "See ya later, Danny." He said, stepping through the portal. The portal swirled into nonexistence as soon as Andy went through, leaving Danny and Sam in silent shock. Tucker was sitting on the floor, a blissful expression on his face as he rubbed the place where Kara had kissed him. Danny finally broke the silence, grinning as he flipped through the book Andy had given him.
"This next week is going to be fun..."
(The Sue Busters have removed Mary Sues from this line break. Have a nice day.)
We see Clockwork's tower, the Sue Busters focussed intently on one of the screens. A giant teddy bear was chasing Dash, saying, "But I was your favorite! Don't you want to be my friend?" in a voice which sounded suspiciously like Klemper. Dash, having soiled his pants, was screaming like a 3 year old girl, trying desperately to escape from the giant Care Bear. In the background, we hear ghostly laughter as our favorite half-ghost hero faded into visiblity, holding his gut after laughing so hard. Andy spoke, giving an impish grin.
"You've gotta admit. The kid's got style. I mean, Klemper? That just adds insult to injury." Kara nodded, giggling her head off. Maria gave a smile that was filled with warmth.
"I'm so glad we could save him. It had plans for him that would destroy all of this." Maria mused. Kara beamed with joy.
"Well, since we did, I've got another date with Tucker. I'm gonna be late if I don't leave soon." Kara said, in obvious bliss. Her first date with Tucker had gone very well, as her parents were software designers, most famous for a little computer game known as Doomed. Instead of her Sue Buster hoodie and jeans, she wore a lavender blouse and denim skirt. Her normally short frizzy hair had been straightened, making it fairly long and shiny. Andy rolled his eyes at her enthusiasm, but it was contradicted by a small smile.
"I'm happy for you, Kar, I really am, but Tucker is annoying. How you like him so much, I'll never know." Kara gave him a glare that said, 'I'm happy now, so don't be a buzzkill.' Andy's eyes widened, and he quickly backed off. Maria gave a small chuckle at her friends' antics.
"You two... How you lovebirds aren't dating, I'll never know." Maria teased. The aforementioned lovebirds immediately spun to face her.
"WE AREN'T LOVEBIRDS!" Maria had to stifle giggles at the irony.
"Well, either way, we did a good thing. We have a new assignment."
(Meanwhile, in a computer room somewhere in America...)
A young authoress going by the pen name of Diana reread the Mary Sue parody she had just written. She gaped at it, only one thought going through her head.
"Why on Earth did I write this..."
Me: Yup. I did that. I don't know why.
Corin: Yeah! You need to work on me and my story. Didn't you need to fix my Sueish qualities?
Allie: Don't count on anything any time soon. She procrastinates.
Me: Allie! Stop it. Don't make me grab the Anti-Creep Stick.
Corin and Allie: You know that's just a bat, right? *sees angry authoress with bat* AAAH! *runs*
Rose: *sigh* You guys need to stop fighting... Anyway, Diana doesn't own... What did she reference? Oh yeah. She doesn't own Danny Phantom, Harry Potter, Ghost Busters, Alice in Wonderland, Care Bears or Men in Black. However, she does own Sarah Caitlin Jezabel Golden Swirl Blossom Danielle Artemis Ocean Ariel Candy Talara Midnight Penny Thompson (unfortunately) and Squad #582M of the Sue Busters.
Andy: *shouts to Diana* Get them! *Turns to readers* That is hilarious, right? Anyway, for a sequel involving Squad #582M and a new Sue in a different fandom, review please. If you don't, I have permission to get anything I want from Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes. *Grins evilly* So, review please!