Hi. Two Shot of what Iggy, Nudge, Gazzy and Angel are thinking when Fang leaves.
Oh wait, that's in the summary –
DO NOT OWN MAX…UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU! I also do not own Forever by FireFlight, or The Lonely by Christina Perri.
Here Goes Nothing!
Iggy:
I follow the sound of Gazzy's wings treading the air as we fly home from Total's wedding. He touches down lightly on the porch, me just a second after.
"Careful," he warns. "Max dropped her shoes."
I sigh and follow him inside. Suddenly I freeze.
Sometimes I feel so cold
Like I'm waiting around all by myself
Loneliness gets so old
I'm in the lost and found, sitting on a shelf
There's the hiccupping, wet sound of someone crying coming from Fang's room. It's Max. I nearly bowl Gazzy over in haste to get to her.
Nudge is in there too. Her breathing is ragged and hitched. Where's Fang? He's not in there with them, is he?
Been stuck for way too long
…I hear your voice…
You're who I'm counting on
Words are pouring out of Max's mouth like some sort of anguished vomit. Angel squeezes her way in front of me, and the Gasman's elbows bump my stomach as he raises his hand to his mouth. Max's voice continues on and on, a cracking horizon in this world of darkness.
Oh, tell me you're here
That you will watch over me
Forever
Oh, take hold of my heart
Show me you love me
Forever…
"Please make us only go through this once," Max reads. Her voice is raspy and wavering. I know what's coming next, wishing I could block my ears. But leaving myself without two senses is dangerous – especially when I can't turn one back on.
Fang. My brother, my best friend, my leader, my – you know what, you get the picture. Gone. Um…does not compute.
I know that you can tell
When I start to let my hope fade away
I need to catch myself
Open my ears to hear you calling my name
Fang watched over me. In a way, he was the hand that I held, leading me through the darkness, over the jagged rocks of life. But he had let go, and I was floundering.
A hot tear runs over my cheekbone. Gazzy wraps his arms around my midsection and sobs into my nice suit. I wrap my arms around his shoulders.
Been fighting way too long
…I hear your voice…
You had me all along…
"Tell you what, sweetie," Max chokes out, "if in twenty years we haven't expired yet, and the world is still more or less in one piece, I'll meet you at the top of that cliff where we first met the hawks and learned to fly with them. You know the one. Twenty years from today, if I'm alive, I'll be there, waiting for you. You can bet on it.
"Goodbye, my love.
"Fang.
"P.S. Tell everyone I sure will miss them."
Oh, tell me you're here
That you will watch over me
Forever
Oh, take hold of my heart
Show me you love me
Forever
Someone had just shot me in the heart. I am shrinking down, down, down to the size of an ant. No one notices, so my ant self sat down on the ground, wrapped his arms around himself, and sobbed.
When I'm starting to drown…
"I can't believe it," the Gasman chokes out.
…You jump in to save me…
"That butthead," I murmur.
…When my world's upside down…
Between the two of us, I think we've summed things up very nicely.
…Your hands, they shake me, and wake me
"This is my fault," Angel sobs.
Ooh, tell me you're here, that you will watch over me
Forever
"No," Max croaks out. "You've done a lot of asinine things, but this is not your fault."
Oh, take hold of my heart,
Show me you love me
Forever!
I can imagine Max's face dripping with tears. I can imagine wisps of her hair, probably coming undone from her tight bun, sticking to her face. I can imagine a tear-soaked piece of paper in her hand. I can imagine her eyes closed. I can imagine her head bowed.
…forever…
I can imagine these things.
But I can't see them.
Nudge
"Nudge!" Dr. Martinez calls me over, and I go to her. "Call Max and Fang back out here for pictures, will you? Since you guys are all clean?"
"Sure," I say, ducking inside and twirling a piece of my newly straightened hair between my fingers. It had taken over an hour to get it this way, but I had managed.
"Max?" I call through the house. I peek into Fang's room. Max is standing with her back to me, a white envelope on the floor by her feet. "What are you doing? We're gonna take a couple more photos, since we probably won't all be clean at the same time ever again."
Max turns to me, her eyes hollow. "Is Fang out there with you guys?" She's clutching a piece of paper in her hands.
"No – he's not in here?"
"No. I found this." She shows me the piece of paper – it's a note, addressed to Max.
Oh, God. My heart thuds in my ears.
2am, where do I begin
Crying off my face again
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed
"What is it?" I ask her, my throat tight.
Max's breaths get shorter. Instead of answering, she unfolds the paper and begins to read aloud.
"Dear Max –
"You looked so beautiful today. I'm going to remember what you looked like forever."
Uh-oh. I put my hand over my mouth, shaking my head slowly.
I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most…
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well…
"And I hope you remember me the same way – clean, ha-ha. I'm glad our last time together was happy."
Last? The word pounds away in my brain, like a sick echo. Last?
"But I'm leaving tonight, leaving the flock, and this time it's for good. I don't know if I'll ever see any of you again. The thing is, Max, that everyone is a little bit right. Added up all together, it makes this one big right."
Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby…
Then you go and let the lonely in –
To take my heart again…
"Dylan's a little bit right about how my being here might be putting the rest of you in danger. The threat might have been just about Dr. Hans, but we don't know that for sure. Angel is a little bit right about how splitting up the flock will help all of us survive. And the rest of the flock is a little bit right about how when you and I are together, we're focused on each other – we can't help it."
Angel comes running down the hall, but stops stock still when she sees us. My eyes fill, and my lower lip trembles. Stop being such a baby, I command myself.
Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night
"The thing is, Maximum, I love you," Max chokes out. "I can't help but be focused on you when we're together. If you're in the room, I want to be next to you. If you're gone, I think about you. You're who I want to talk to. In a fight, I want you at my back. When we're together, the sun is shining. When we're apart, everything is in shades of gray.
"I hope you'll forgive me someday for turning our worlds into shades of gray – at least for a while."
For the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me till I fall asleep
Iggy and the Gasman trickle into the doorway. Max pauses for a moment.
"You're not at your best when you're focused on me. I mean, you're at your best Maxness, but not your best leaderness. I mostly need Maxness. The flock mostly needs leaderness. And Angel, if you're listening to this, it ain't you, sweetie. Not yet."
Angel turns red. Tears are pouring down my face now, and I wrap my arms around myself and rock back onto my heels.
I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most…
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well…
I can't even listen to the next part. I just rock back and forth, my eyes closed tightly, afraid I might shatter into a million jillion pieces. My arms tighten over my chest, and my nails dig into my wings.
Fang, over the past, well, I guess my entire life, has been my father figure. More than Jeb, more than Iggy, more than anyone. I mean, sure, Max is the leader, but there's some things that even she doesn't get. For all that Fang doesn't show emotion, he is sure empathetic. He always holds Angel when she has nightmares. He listens to everything Gazzy has to say. Heck, he listens to everything I have to say, and he never gets impatient. He values us younger three's opinions, treats us like what we think decides everything about what we're going to do. Max may not think that, but Fang sure as hell does.
Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby…
Then you go and let the lonely in –
To take my heart again…
Gazzy and Iggy are crying in each other's arms. Unconsciously, I've grabbed onto Max's elbow, holding on for support. Angel is curled up in a fetal position on the floor, shaking.
"Tell you what, sweetie," Max rasps, her voice breaking, "if in twenty years we haven't expired yet, and the world is still more or less in one piece, I'll meet you at the top of that cliff where we first met the hawks and learned to fly with them. You know the one. Twenty years from today, if I'm alive, I'll be there, waiting for you. You can bet on it.
"Goodbye, my love.
"Fang.
"P.S. Tell everyone I sure will miss them."
Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
You could have heard a pin drop in the room.
Where there once was love
Now there's only me
And the lonely...
I sink slowly onto the floor, my dress spreading on the hardwood floor like a puddle. My knees hit the ground with a thud. I sit back on my heels.
"I can't believe it," Gazzy sobs into Iggy's shirt.
"That butthead," Iggy agrees, summing it up nicely.
Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I slump over onto the floor, my arms splayed over my head. I don't care.
"This is my fault," Angel sobs into the floor.
"No," Max rasps. "You've done a lot of asinine things, but this is not your fault."
Max's legs are trembling, from what I can see. Angel's trembling. I'm trembling.
Our collective hearts are trembling.
Because Fang is gone.
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Then you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again...