Final Fantasy 7 – Stupidity Remix

Chapter 1 – How It All Started

Location: Train

Barret: And that's the game plan! (smash table) Anyone who screws up doesn't get paid. Got it? That means you rookie! Hey, where's the spiky haired blonde go?

Wedge: Beats me.

Biggs: Wait, I hear something.

SLAM! Cloud kicks door open, runs in and into another boxcar.

Guard: Thief! (chases after him)

Barret: Well he seems busy.

Jesse: We're about to stop. Let's get ready to jump.

After the team jumped off the train, they meet at the gate in front of the reactor. Cloud approaches them from behind.

Biggs: Hmm, so you're the new guy from SOLDIER. That must be some accomplishment.

Jesse: Aren't they the enemy?

Biggs: Hold on. He's an Ex-SOLDIER. He quit because he was underpaid, overwork, and lazy. So, what's your name?

Cloud: (…) Cloud.

Biggs: Well Cloud, I'm…

Cloud: Biggs. I've seen the wanted posters around town. And I also stole your wallet with your I.D. in it. Oh, here you go.

Biggs: Why I should…

Barret: Hey, get that gate open! I don't have all day!

Jesse: I'm trying. Using a fork to picklock a gate is harder than it looks.

Cloud: Wait. I know. Let's hop the gate. I'll go first. (jumps over, some dogs bark) Oh man. Good doggy. Nice doggy. Stay. Stay. (miscellaneous ripping noises) Oh god, oh god, the terror, the pain! Help me!

Jesse: (…) Here! The gate's open.

The gate opens, revealing several dogs chewing on Cloud's body. After the party comes closer, the dogs run away, and Cloud is getting up after using several potions on himself.

Cloud: Alright, let's go.

Jesse, Cloud, Biggs, and Barret head into the reactor.

Barret: Hey rookie, first time in a reactor?

Cloud: No.

Jesse opens the first door. Graffiti is sprayed on the wall. (Cloud was here!)

Barret: I guess not.

They go along until they reach the reactor.

Barret: Alright. Plant the bomb.

Cloud: Bomb? What bomb?

Barret: Fine, out of the way.

Barret places an invisible bomb at the reactor.

Barret: See? That wasn't so hard. (siren goes off) What's that?

Cloud: The alarm. Watch out, it's the Guard Scorpion!

The Guard Scorpion approaches them.

Barret: Alright, let's do this.

The Guard Scorpion uses "Search Scope" which makes the entire area a funky disco studio.

Cloud: You know what? Let's just run. (leaves)

Barret: (…) Wait for me!

On the way back, Cloud sees Jesse with her foot stuck in a hole.

Cloud: You ok?

Jesse: No. Now help me get my foot out of this hole.

Cloud: (pulls out sword) Alright. Hold still.

Jesse: Actually, you know what? I'll handle it. Just go on.

Barret: You sure?

Jesse: Yea. I am going to leave here, with all my body parts attached.

Cloud: (sheaths sword) Your loss.

Barret: Hurry. The Guard Scorpion is catching up.

Cloud and Barret run, to the point where they meet Biggs.

Biggs: The door's locked. Where's Jesse?

Distant Voice: Help!

Biggs: Jesse!

They run in, seeing that Jesse is in the Guard Scorpion's claws.

Cloud: We have to get her free.

Barret: Take this!

Barret begins shooting at Guard Scorpion, occasionally hitting Jesse. Guard Scorpion flinches, releasing Jesse who has been shot many, many, times.

Cloud: Quick, let's put in the code and split.

Jesse put in the code, and everyone left.

Guard Scorpion: (mechanical voice) I just wanted to be friends.

At that moment, the entire reactor exploded. The team hid in shelter from the blast.

Jesse: (…) (…) (…) Alright, step back. (…) (…) (…) Where's the after explosion? Wedge, go check.

Wedge walked toward the bridge, only to be blown up by the after explosion, sending him off into the sky with a sparkle.

Wedge: I'm blasting off again! I mean for the first time.

Barret: Whoa, that's hot. Anyway, mission complete. Rendezvous at the bar.

Cloud: Wait!

Barret: If it's about your money, you can blow it out of your cakehole. I mean I'll get it later.

Cloud: Alright, later! Now, how am I going to get to the hideout?

Flower Girl: Excuse me, will you buy a flower?

Cloud: Sure, I'll take one. How much?

Flower Girl: One flower for ten million gil. Would that be cash or check?

Cloud: Uh…oh look over there! (runs off)

Flower Girl: I don't see anything. Except for that truck headed towards me.

Cloud: Now how am I suppose to get to the hideout?

Soldier: Hey you!

Cloud: Oh crap. They must have found out that I'm secretly selling crack to poor orphan immigrants. Better run.

Soldier: Surround him.

Cloud: Ok, let's see, this way, blocked, this way, blocked, this way, blocked. That's not good.

Soldier: Give yourself up.

Cloud: Never!

Cloud jumps from the road onto the train track. However, jumping several minutes early, Cloud falls flat onto the track rails.

Soldiers: Err, what do we do now?

Cloud: (distant voice) So long suckers!

Soldier: Quick, follow him!

The soldiers jump down only to get run over by the train which ironic appears.

Barret: (…)

Jesse: Cloud didn't make it.

Biggs: Ok, so what about our money?

Barret: Well, I have I.O.U.'s in my pocket if u want.

Jesse: (…)

Bang, bang, bang.

Biggs: Damn rats.

Bang, bang, bang.

Jesse: Someone's at the door. Go get it Biggs.

Bang, bang, bang.

Biggs: Fine. (readies shotgun and opens door, while Cloud jumps in)

Cloud: Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Jesse: Cloud!

Barret: Yo, rookie! Great to have you back. (Great, one more person to pay)

Biggs: Dude, don't scare us like that. (puts away shotgun)

Cloud: Yea. Well, we're just about back to the hideout. Let's just sit back, relax, and…

Guard: Hey, it's the thief!

Cloud: Crap! (runs)

Barret: Well he's having fun.

To be continued…

Wedge: Weeeeeeeeeeeee.

If you enjoyed this story, check out my other humorous stories. ...Ok FINE. I double-checked. Jesse's a girl.