Chapter 1: Breaking Down
All alone, he was always there, it seemed. And even on my own, he was always standing next to me.
These last few months had been harder on Annie than most people of the group.
Unrequited love. That was the hard part.
"Britta's marryin', Britta's marryin', Britta's marryin' Jeff'rey Win-ger!" had resounded in her head for days after Jeff and Britta had engaged in their little game of lies. And it really struck her. What would she have done if Jeff had married Britta?
Short answer? She would have died. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically.
I think I'm breaking down again.
While some of the group saw her softly crying when Jeff proposed, what they didn't see was the hours of crying when she got home. The moments of still silence in which she pondered her mundane existence lasted what seemed to be an eternity. She was blank. No more smiles. No more bright eyes. Nothing. The world was grey. Blurred. Deep. Empty.
After a few hours under her covers, around 4:00 o'clock in the morning, she got up, removed her dowdy bedspread, lied back, and just sang. Sang hard. Long. And although the tears were gone, but her heart still ached.
"Never mind, Annie. You'll find someone like Jeff", she thought to herself, referencing Adele's iconic song, "But, it won't be him".
This idea made it even harder to breathe. So she switched the song. And found one that described exactly how she felt at that moment.
All alone, even when I was a child.
She really was. All her entire life, she had been by herself. And while some people had called her "unhealthily obsessed" with the idea of finding someone to be with, she knew that in her heart of hearts, it was what she needed to feel happy, safe, and sane. Somebody to lean on. Someone to warm her covers at night. Somebody to love.
All alone, on the edge of sleep. My old familiar friend comes down and sits next to me.
That friend, she knew, was a side to herself that she'd never be able to fully shake. She'd always be doubting herself. "Why don't you have someone? It's obvious Annie, you're not good enough. But, Annie, I know what would make you feel better," her inner demon had come out to play, "Aderall".
No. She couldn't go down that path again. But she had to admit, it was tempting. The downfall had been spectacular. She needed no-one. No friends, no family, just herself. In that state of mind that was enlightened. Intense. She had become hardcore, steely, and single-minded. A different person.
But it wasn't her. She had plans. Goals in life. Friends. She couldn't throw all that away, or could she? She had before.
"But, Annie. What is life without Jeff Winger?" asked her other self. And she realised that she had a point.
Annie sank into her bed, and thought. What was the next step? Would she ever get Jeff? Could she find someone different? And would different be better, or worse than her one true love?
Was there a way out, or would she slip back into her addiction? The thoughts scared her. Shaking her head, she threw the covers over herself and hugged her arms tight to her chest, and finally willed herself to sleep.
But not without a solitary lyric flitting across her consciousness.
I think I'm breaking down.