Your name is Dirk Strider and you are a nervous wreck.
It just so happens that today will be your first ever date with an actual human being. While you have seen a lot in your sixteen years – aliens, juggalo presidents and murderous red space tentacles to name a few, not to mention the fact that you are currently residing on a planet covered in skeletons and noxious gas – you have never been so freaked out as you are now.
Your suitor for tonight is one Jake English, the goofy Prospitian that has been the object of your affection for some time now. While you are not yet officially dating, he is aware of your feelings and seems to be working through his own before he comes to a decision on what to do about said feelings. This date, you suppose, is a sort of test-run.
As you have never been on a date before, you are not entirely sure what to wear. You consider asking Jane, but you quickly decide against this. She has seemed rather preoccupied since your entering the Medium, and you decide to give her some space. The same goes for Roxy. Thus, you are left to fend for yourself in the fashion department.
The date is supposedly going to consist of more exploring on Jake's planet so you suppose you won't be needing to get too terribly dressed up. You finally decide on the least threadbare pair of black jeans you have and a white button-up. You roll the sleeves up so you don't look too serious. You stand back and give yourself a once-over in the mirror to make sure everything looks alright. You finally decide that your appearance is acceptable and that Jake probably won't even care.
You're not waiting too long before you hear a knock at the door. You take a few breaths and count to ten before opening it. Jake stands on the stoop of your apartment, the usual goofy smile all over his face. Your nervousness starts to ebb away as he runs a hand through his dark hair and you can see that he's just as scared. "Hello, old chum," he greets you.
"Sup," you manage, your eyes sweeping him from his tight shorts to his alchemized tuxedo jacket to his adorable bowtie. You feel warm just being near him, and it's a nice change.
He steps into your house and pulls you in for what you assume is meant to be a friendly brohug. As your head is mashed up against his shoulder, you catch a whiff of something. His cologne, you guess. You enjoy the scent for a second before you realize your eyes are watering. You sniff deeply, resisting the urge to sneeze.
Well fuck. You'd forgotten about your allergies.
The date goes off without a hitch, if you don't count all the skeletons baying for your blood. With the adventuring over, the two of you move to a grassy slope where the air is cleaner and gasmasks are unnecessary. You're happy, because it's nice to see his face again. He just keeps smiling and telling you stories and you can't shake that strange, warm feeling that normal teenagers always talked about in shitty movies starring Hilary Duff. You feel… well, you don't want to call it love, because that can only end badly. But it's nice. Very nice.
"It sure has been a good day, Dirk," he says as he flops onto his back.
"Yeah, I've had a pretty good time." You drawl back, trying not to sound too overjoyed.
"You know," he begins, sitting up and inching closer to you. "I really like spending time with you. And I've been considering my feelings as of late, and I think I've reached a conclusion today."
"Oh, really?" you choke out, your heart hammering. He's so close, you can count his eyelashes and smell that god awful cologne. "And what would tha… heh… chshh!" Fuck. Now of all times.
"Bless you, Dirk," he says.
"Thanks," you murmur, embarrassed that you're nasal cavities had to ruin the moment. You rub a finger against your nostrils to relieve the itch, which turns out to be a mistake as it triggers another sneeze. "Hhk-ekshh!"
"Bless you again!" he says. "Heavens, I do hope you're not coming down with a cold."
"No, I'm fuh-fine." You reply, scrubbing at your face with your wrist. "What were you saying?"
Jake blinks at you from behind his glasses, seemingly confused. "Oh, right! Of course. Well, Dirk, I've realized that I… I feel the same." He pushes his glasses up on his nose and your heart explodes. "And I think I'm ready to take our friendship to the next lev-"
"Hih-kchuu! Heh-ecshh! Hekh-chshh!" You sniffle pathetically. "I'b thorry, go on." You grope around in the pocket of your jeans, hoping for a tissue or maybe ten. You come up empty-handed and curse yourself for never being prepared for shit like this. Through your watery eyes you can see Jake fishing around in his own pocket. He pulls out a handkerchief and you feel so much like a damsel in distress that you want to die.
"Here, take this." Normally, you'd be completely opposed to the idea, but your nose is dripping like a tap and you're really eager for Jake to finish what he's trying to say. You thank him and accept the handkerchief; it's pale green and embroidered with a small JE in the corner. You barely stop to say "I'll wash it and give it back to you" before blowing your nose and effectively ruining any chances at salvaging the romantic evening. "Ugh."
"Oh, keep it as long as you need it. I alchemized quite a few." Of course he fucking did.
He places one of his hands – calloused from years of adventuring – against your forehead. "You don't feel hot…" he murmurs.
"I'b dot sick," you try to explain, scrubbing at your nose with the handkerchief. "It's my aller… ah… ah-kschh!"
"Allergies? What allergies?"
"Y-you're drenched in aftershave, aren't you?" you ask, you're breath hitching as you stifle another sneeze.
"Just a little…" he scratches the back of his neck. "Oh, I'm sorry, Dirk. I had no idea." He gives you an awkward one-armed hug which just triggers more sneezes. "Fuck. Sorry, old chum."
As you're blowing your nose again and wishing the grassy slope would open up and swallow you, Jake suggests that you call it a night. Hating yourself, you agree.
The two of you stand in the kitchen of your house. You lean against the counter and sip your Mountain Dew, while Jake does the same on the other side of the room. He drums his fingers against the counter nervously. After a while, the silence gets too much for both of you.
"I'm sorry I ruined our date," you both say at the same time. There's a brief silence before you both laugh as though none of it really matters now.
"I meant what I said, you know." Jake mumbles, blushing attractively. "About liking you."
"I feel the same way," You reply, even though he already knows.
You take a step closer and he pushes away from the counter to join you. You take his hand. He beams. You can feel your nose starting to run and you don't care. You lean in and kiss him gently. An excruciating second passes before he kisses you back. Your breath hitches and you pull away just as another sneeze escapes you.
"You know, perhaps we ought to shower. I can wash off this blasted cologne and you can get rid of those allergies." He blushes as he says it and in that moment you want to kiss him all over his face, but you don't think he'd appreciate all the mucus. You agree and the two of you head for the bathroom hand in hand.
And when you sneeze violently, he just says "bless you" and looks at you as if you're the only person in the whole world.