Inspired by watch?v=SGlkwKA-t_4 - "If you could see me now" by The Script. I loved the song before but didn't really listen to the lyrics till now, and – I know it's meant for parents, but somehow for me it fits so perfectly that I couldn't not write this.
It was today. Jamie had slept next to nothing this night, he felt like his head was spinning, his heart raced and constantly beat quicker with each ray of sunlight to greet New York City on this special day.
His graduation. He was to be a cop, a police officer, a man to serve and protect the people just like his father and his brother were.
And Joe.
I still look for your face in the crowd
Oh if you could see me now
Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow
Oh if you could see me now
Two years and ten days. It were two years and ten days since he had lost his big brother. His best friend. As he stood up from the bed, careful not to wake Sydney, Jamie's heart stopped its race and slowed down, each beat reminding him of how alive he was. Alive, well, loved, on his way to live his dream.
And Joe was gone.
Jamie leaned his forehead against the cool window. He had no tears left to cry, not today, but that didn't mean he wasn't torn up. He had been looking forward to this day ever since… since it had happened. Since he had decided to go to the academy, which had been exactly after… "I miss you" he murmured into the breaking dawn. "I just hope…"
"Jamie?" He jumped at the sound of his fiancée's voice. "Sorry, babe, I didn't mean to wake you up."
"It's okay." Syd did her best to smile, but that early in the morning she couldn't hide the sorrow on her face. She didn't like the idea of him being a cop. Jamie sighed. It was a bad thing to say, but in some ways his fiancée was just like his mother.
He missed her, too. Now more than ever.
Jamie closed his eyes as he now did feel tears coming up. He quickly turned to the window again. He couldn't be sad now, not today, not this day.
Then again – it were his mother and his brother. Hadn't they deserved a long, wonderful life? How came they weren't here with him today? And how was he supposed to ever be truly happy without them?
I see you standing there next to Mom
Both singing along, yeah arm in arm
"Jamie… if you really want to go the cemetery, we should get ready now." Syd's voice was very close, as well was she as she hugged him from behind, but Jamie was far away.
He was going to be a cop now, which was all he had ever wanted. But he would have traded it all in a heartbeat if only he got mom and Joe back.
He drove to the cemetery alone, with shaking hands. Every police car he saw made his heart jolt with joy. He was so happy. And so desperate. As Jamie reached his mother's grave, his eyes were red from crying.
I'm tryin' to make you proud
Do everything you did
I hope you're up there with God
Saying that's my kid
"Hey mom" he whispered. "I hope you're happy up there. I miss you. Well, it's today. I'm going to be a cop. I wish you were here." He swallowed and rubbed his eyes, only to make them water again. "I'm so sorry, mom. I know you never wanted this for me, and…" His voice got drowned by sobs as Jamie struggled to open up his deepest secret, the shadow of doubt that had fallen on him since he'd signed up for the academy.
If you could see me now would you recognize me
Would you pat me on the back or would you criticize me
"I'm so sorry I betrayed you. I wish I could tell you this is what I'm meant to be, and most of the time I feel like I am, and this definitely what I wanted to do, but… truth be told, mom, I don't know if I would have done this with… when you were still alive. And if Joe hadn't died" his glance shot to the grave on the right, and he put one hand on the headstone, both to link with his brother and to steady himself.
Would you call me a saint or a sinner?
Would you love me a loser or winner?
When I see my face in the mirror
We look so alike that it makes me shiver
"Guys, I miss you so much. This will be one my happiest days on earth and you're not around. Where are you? How comes you're not with me?" He closed his eyes, trying to calm down. "You always knew me better than I know myself. All I know is that… I want to do this. Mom, I'm sorry I can't fulfill your wishes. I hope you're not too disappointed about me, I tried to, but… after you died it seemed so useless to carry on with Law. And Joe – you're my best friend. You'll always be. I wanted nothing as much as being like you, and now I will be like you, kind of. In spite of you losing your life to this job I know you loved it. I know you loved every minute of it. You're a hero, Joe. You always were my hero, but you were New York's hero, too. And I can't be as brave as you, I know that. I mean, how am I supposed to be as good without you to help me. But I'll do my best. I promise." The tears ebbed down and Jamie took a deep breath before he slowly stood up, touching each of the stones.
"I will make you proud, Joe. And mom, I will take care of myself. And of Dad and Danny and Erin and Nicky, and Linda and the boys. And grandpa. I promise I will be there for them as I will be there for the people of New York. Just as you two were. I will make you proud. And I'll see you again, okay? One day I'll get to see you again, and maybe I can thank you then properly for all you've done for me." Another shot of tears, but it wasn't only sadness now. It was gratitude.
"I love you, mom. I love you, Joe. I always will."
And they're all missing now, and they're all missing now
So if you get a second to look down at me now
Mom, Joe, I'm just missing you now
I still look for your face in the crowd
Oh if you could see me now
Jamie marched in with the others, 213 they were in this year, each of them beaming with pride and eagerness to start their new life. Danny and Linda had taken Sydney with them and were now standing in the front row, cheering and applauding with the crowd. Jamie's smile was the widest of all. As he stood in his place, surrounded by his colleagues, his brothers in blue, and looked at his dad the Police Commissioner, he knew he was where he was meant to be. The shadow of doubt was finally gone. This was his place.
As the Commissioner's speech went on, Jamie searched the crowd for his family. There was not one face that wasn't smiling, and the love and pride and support that wavered through the hall lifted him up. It was pure positive spirit, it was the promise that they all would make their way and would never be alone. It was all family was about, yet greater somehow. It was his mother's and Joe's spirit all around, and Jamie cast a second look to Danny to see if he could feel it, too. Danny nodded thoughtfully, and Jamie's eyes filled with tears once again.
I'm tryin' to make you proud
Do everything you did
I hope you're up there with God
Saying that's my kid
He would not lose his brother, or his mother. He would never lose them. And he would do his best for them up in heaven to realize that with all their love and care they had made a man out of him they could be proud of.
And he would show it to Danny, Erin and his father, too. His father. His boss. Did he feel his wife and son around?
Put your hand on a heart that was cold
As the day you were taken away
I know it's been a while but I can see you clear as day
Frank stood on the stage, facing all of them, speaking to all of them – to all of his extended family. Yet as he ended his speech, his eyes found the one he held the closest.
"I congratulate you. And I congratulate your family" he paused for a moment, smiling as happier memories of Mary and Joe washed over him. He knew that no matter what she may have feared, all Mary ever had wanted was for her children to be happy. And deep in her heart she had always known he would be cop, or so she had told him in her last hours. She had begged Frank to make sure Jamie was living his dream, and not what other people wanted him to do.
"You are now – and for always – servants of the state. Of the law, and more than anything else – of the people of this city. I welcome you to a life that will not always be easy, and that will sometimes make you question the path you chose. These moments are nothing to be afraid of. They will come, and they will reach out to you. But I assure you that no matter how dark the street, no matter how long the way, and no matter how deep your sadness is – you are not alone. We are all here, all a family, to go through life. And there will be the time when you are each other's guiding light. Your dedication to the people and to what is right and just will get you through the longest and coldest night. It will bring you home to where you belong – in the house of heroes.
Congratulations to you – officers!"
The graduated jumped up, throwing their gloves into the air, watching them soar – just like they felt they were soaring.
Before joining the overwhelming exhilaration, Jamie closed his eyes.
I still look for your face in the crowd
Oh if you could see me now
Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow
Oh if you could see me now
I'm tryin' to make you proud
Do everything you did
I hope you're up there with God
Saying that's my brother and kid
He was a cop.