Rating: M
Summary: Season 3ish - Jess has left, but he did leave something behind.
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. It belongs to Amy Sherman-Palladino and the WB, to which I am in no way affiliated with.
Rory POV
How does your life go to hell in six weeks time? Eight weeks ago, I was happy. Seven weeks ago, I was ecstatic. Six weeks, it all fell apart and continues to fall on a steady downward spiral. Two weeks ago, I found out. What had I done? What will I do? All-important questions, for which I have no goddamn, answer.
I haven't told my mom, yet. I know I disappoint her; she'll blame herself, instead of me. I know I have to tell her, college will be starting soon. How do I tell my mother, I can't go to Yale? At least not this year, but next year will be soon enough. She hasn't even gotten over there being no Harvard. How can I explain, that her daughter screwed up? I followed a pattern, a well-beaten path.
I can hear her in the kitchen; she seems to be talking to the coffee maker. It is a common occurrence, in the morning, on a weekday. It's Friday and I have been putting off telling her for too long. I could walk right in there and tell her. Maybe I will, just not right now, later after she has had some coffee. Lorelai and no coffee, is not a good thing. Next thing I know, I'm off my bed and opening my bedroom door.
Abort! Abort! Don't do it Rory!
My body will not listen. My mom looks up and smiles at me. Okay breath, you can do this. It's easy, just open your mouth and say it.
"Hey kid," she says. She is watching the coffee pot now, following the progress of each precious drip.
"Mom," I say and she looks up at me again. "I'm pregnant." There that wasn't so hard, it went well, I think. Now if I could just pick her up off the floor, this day would be great. I shake her shoulder a little, wondering if I really want to be this close to her when she comes to. Her eyes flutter, and then open and I can almost read her thoughts. Her eyes widen as she realizes she was not having a bad dream, she was living in a nightmare.
"You're sure," she asks me. "Cause it could just be the stress of going to college." She gasps a little when she thinks about what she just said. College, there it is, she is going to hate me. Her face is an open book; I can see when the thought comes to her. "Jess?"
All I can do is nod. I can see the hate in her eyes; she would kill him, if he were here. However, he's not, and he probably won't be back. She gets up from the floor, and heads for the stairs. "I have to get dressed." she says. She hates me too. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I cannot think I have to get out of here. Once I'm outside, I head towards town. I have to take my mind off the changes I will have to make. I do not want to think about postponing Yale, telling my grandparents that I really am Lorelai. Oh, God tonight is dinner with them. I am going to have to sit in the same room as my mother. I hope not to have to talk about this new development in my life. I know I will have to tell them eventually, but I am definitely voting for later.
As I pass Luke's diner, I cannot help but peek inside and hope Jess will be there. Leaning against the counter reading a book, taking orders or refilling coffee cups with the aforementioned book in his back pocket. Nevertheless, he is not there, he has not been for six weeks. Luke said he went to California, to his father. He had been failing and he was not going to graduate, he had been afraid to tell me. He knew I would have tried to help him. I know he thinks he's not good enough for me, but isn't that my decision. What gives him the right to decide what is best for me? If I thought he was not good enough, I never would have dated him, and I most definitely would not have made love with him. I gave him my heart and my innocence and he walked away, but now I have a piece of him. It will probably be for the best if he does not come back. I don't want my child to suffer like I did, I don't want him to be my Christopher, popping in and out of my child's life. Doing more damage than good, I do not want my child to have to one-day watch as he marries another woman and has kids that he will be there for. I stop walking when I realize where I am. The bridge, their bridge, this is where it all started. Tears sting my eyes and my throat constricts, now I am on my knees, in the middle of our bridge. The tears just keep coming. I feel like they won't stop. I'm not sure how long I stayed there, face in my hands, balling my eyes out for everything I have lost and the things I'm on the road to losing. When the tears finally stop, I get up and my knees ache from being in the same position for so long. I think about going to the inn and talking to my mom, but I'm not ready for that yet. I decide to head to the diner and tell the one of the only other people I know I will disappoint. Might as well rip the band-aid of fast and hope it will cause less pain.
When I walk into Luke's it is practically empty. I make my way over to the counter and wait for Luke to make an appearance. I don't have to wait long. He walks out of the kitchen, when he sees me; he grabs a mug and the coffee pot. I can't help but smile a little we really have him trained.
"No thanks, Luke." He looks at me strangely, but then he smiles and comes over to me.
"So what can I get ya then?" he asks me, pulling the pad and pencil out of his shirt pocket.
"Can I talk to you for a moment?"
"Sure, what's up?"
"Alone," I say looking around the diner, now it's just Kirk sitting alone in the diner.
"Kirk, get out." Luke says to the man.
"But I haven't finished my lunch," Kirk tells him.
"You've been sitting there for over an hour, now." Luke says gruffly. "Get out."
"Fine, but if this messes up my digestion process, I will definitely be back with some harsh words for you."
"I'm scared," Luke tells him and I cannot help but smile at him. Sometimes he reminds me of a teddy bear, fierce looking on the outside, cuddly and sweet when it matters. I know he looks at me like a daughter and truth told I wish I he was my father. So I gather the courage to break, yet another person I loves, heart. "So, Rory, what can I do for you?"
"I figured I'd tell you now before you heard it on through the town gossips later on. I feel like I owe it to you, and I would be right. You have always been an important person in my life and I just wanted to say I'm sorry." I babble out and I can tell by his face that he thinks I'm crazy. Why did I pick now to do this?
"Sorry about what?"
Crap! "I'm pregnant, Luke." It sounds so final, coming out of my mouth. I'm wondering if the executioner is going to step through the door and lead me away. I picture him leading me into the town square to the gallows. As he slips the noose over my head, I look into his eyes and see the same chocolate brown that has been haunting my dreams. I shake the thought away and look Luke in the face. He looks stunned and I think I broke him. "Luke, are you okay?" He looks at me and I see him put the pieces together.
"Jess?" he asks me. He doesn't even wait for me to answer. "I'm gonna kill him. How dare he touch you? I warned him, I told him if he hurt you, I would kill him. Then, he takes off, he breaks your heart and now he ruins your future. What about Yale? Did he even think about what he was doing?"
"Luke," I say. I may be mad at Jess for leaving but I cannot listen to him being bad-mouthed about something that is both our faults. "It was my decision, he asked me if I was sure, and I was. Still am, I do regret that this happened but I would not have done it differently. Okay, maybe a little differently."
"Rory, have you told your mother yet?" I nod to him; he fiddles with the pad and pencil still clutched in his hand. "She's going to kill me, isn't she?"
"I don't know she didn't talk to me. She fainted, which is a first. When she came to and realized it wasn't a figment of her coffee deprived imagination, she went upstairs to get dressed and I left." I look down at my watch and realize that was hours ago. I got up off the stool and when I look at Luke, he seems to be chewing his lip, deep in thought. "Well I'm going to head home, and try to figure out what I'm going to say to her. We have Friday night dinner tonight, and I'm hoping we can put off telling them, for now anyway. Bye Luke."
He hears me and snaps himself out of his thoughts. "Rory, wait. What do you want me to tell Jess, if he calls?" I think about my answer for a moment and I conclude that I have already made up my mind.
"Nothing, do not tell him anything. I don't want him to know, I do not want him to think he has to come back. He hates Stars Hollow and I wouldn't want him to return, only to remember why he left in the first place. I don't think my heart can take him leaving again." Luke looks like he's going to argue with me, probably thinking of Jess taking responsibility for his actions. "It's for the best, Luke. If he came back, he wouldn't be happy, and then we're the ones that will have to suffer when he leaves." My hand had unconsciously moved to my flat stomach. I quickly put it by my side instead, but I can see that Luke caught the gesture he smiles a little.
"If there's anything that you need, you'll let me know. I'm always here for you." He comes around the counter and pulls me into a hug. He smells like coffee and Luke, I feel safe and cherished in his arms. When he pulls away and smiles at me, I know everything will be all right. Maybe not now, but someday.
"Thanks Luke, I love you." He is shocked, and flustered. I cannot help but smile at the fact that three little words can do that to him. He straightens and looks me in the eye.
"I love you, too. You're welcome."
I walk out of the diner and turn in the direction of the house. I need time to prepare, to face the music, and hope that dinner tonight will not kill me.