Author's note: Welcome to this fic! This is a semi AU that takes place in Tokyo, Japan but with both eastern and western references. Also there's a lot of geographical inconsistencies but don't worry about that, it just adds to the humor.
This is technically a sequel to my Final Fantasy 13 fic called Tales of the Chocobo Kind which takes place over the kids' summer break. All you have to know is that the KH kids spent the entire summer hanging out at a chocobo farm and running a dumb little business. You definitely don't need to read that fic first but if you wanna know more about why Sora, Kairi, and Riku are the way they are I suggest you do. Finally: choking hazard. Do not eat or drink while reading this fic. Enjoy the fun!
Those KH Kids
Chapter 1: First Day of Senior Year
It was the morning of the first day of school and Sora layed in bed still asleep without a worry like the son of an oil tycoon he was. Waking him up, his cellphone started to ring; it was Kairi. "My honey booboo!" Sora said when he realized who was calling. "What's up?" he answered.
"Sora, I'm waiting outside my house, are you gonna be here soon?" Kairi asked. Sora had insisted in picking her and Riku up in his car for the first day; he didn't want them to take the school bus like peasants.
"SHIZNIT I'M LATE!" Sora screamed when he realized it was 15 minutes till 1st period. He hung up on Kairi and got up to change into his KH2 outfit. "No wait," Sora paused, "It's the first day of school, I gotta make a STATEMENT," he said slipped on his Gucci slides. He quickly stuffed his backpack with a jar of hair gel, his wallet, a bag of Cheetos, and one pencil then dashed downstairs to exit the mansion.
He hopped into his Lamborghini and drove off at illegal speed. "I'm comin Kairi!"
In a matter of seconds he reached Kairi's place, a cute little cottage in Harajuku, and slammed the brakes, "Hop on!"
Kairi slowly opened the car door and sat in the passenger seat. As she put on her seatbelt Sora started driving off again. "Good morning to you too."
Sora sped by Riku's house, a shack made out of sheets of metal, until Kairi protested. "Um, Sora, you just went by Riku's house. We picked him up so many times before, you should know this by now."
"SHIZNIT!" Sora yelled and made an illegal U-turn. He parked in the empty lot next to the old metal shack and started honking the car horn to the rhythm of Simple and Clean.
Riku ran out of the house with his mother chasing after him with a frying pan, "Boy if I see you opening that portal and speaking to Satan again I'm gonna lock you up fer good!" she yelled after him.
Riku jumped into the back of the convertible, "Go go go!"
"What happened?" Kairi asked, concerned for Riku. She knew that Riku was poor and his mother suffered from hallucinations.
"I was looking through the fridge for something to eat but my mom thought I was scheming with the devil," Riku explained. He was able to snatch himself a can of beans before being chased away.
Sora slammed the gas medal and sped away, in a matter of seconds he crashed into stop sign. "NOO! My car!"
The three of them exited Sora's car and walked back to Riku's shack where the bus spot was scheduled to arrive any minute. In the meanwhile, Riku opened the mailbox to check his mail.
"Ooh, let me guess, it's Shinra telling you to pay your 6 Munny electricity bill," Sora teased Riku.
"No," Riku shook his head. "It's the city mailing me to say that we're getting evicted if we don't pay our property taxes."
"Oh my."
Cloud Strife, the bus driver, stopped the bus in front of Riku's house and opened the doors, "Hi kids, last year of high school right? Make it count," Cloud greeted them.
"The only thing I'm counting is MUNNY," Sora said and gave Cloud a tip for his services.
Kairi abandoned her best friends and sat next to Namine to catch up with her. "Hey Namine, how was your summer?"
"Terrible! I broke both my hands, I haven't been able to draw at all," Namine explained and showed Kairi her hand casts. "Roxas and Ventus came by my place this morning to do my makeup for me." She was wearing black lipliner and her eyebrows were colored in with red lipstick. "How about you?"
"Sora, Riku, and I had a great summer! We spent most of our time at a chocobo farm, we even started our own company. It's called Kairi's Kitchen, we sold homemade food. To be honest Riku was doing all the cooking and Sora handled all the finances, I was only the poster child," Kairi explained. They had started that company over the summer after Sora's dad froze his credit card due to reckless spending.
Sora and Riku sat by a black haired girl, she seemed new. "Hi, what's your name?" Riku asked the girl.
"Xion."
"Don't talk to her, she's mine!" Roxas said. He and his twin brother, Ventus, were sitting behind Xion's seat.
"Roxas, that's no way to talk about women," Ventus said. "Women are not property, they are friends and deserve respect, right Xion?"
"I guess."
Sora turned around in his seat to face the twins, "How was your guys' summer?"
"It was great!" Ventus said. "I joined my church's choir and I've never felt more alive and in tune with our Lord Nomura. Roxas in the other hand…"
"Shut it Ven!" Roxas tried to shut him up. He didn't want others to know that he was arrested for stealing bread from a street vendor. Unlike his goody-two-shoes twin, Roxas felt like a nobody and craved the thrill that came with breaking the law. "Did you guys get your class schedules? Ven and I got all the same classes, AGAIN."
"It's a miracle!" Ventus said happily.
"Yeah, I bribed Superintendent Mickey into placing me, Riku, and Kairi into the same classes," Sora explained then handed the twins a copy of their schedule.
1st period: English- Mrs. Lulu Ini
2nd period: Physical Education- Miss Lightning Farron
3rd period: Math- Lord Xemnas
4th period: Home Economics- Lady Yuna
Lunch
5th period: Government/Economics- Prince Noctis
6th period: Computers- Mr. Cid Highwind
"Neat!" Ventus said after looking at SoKaiKu's schedule, "We have all the same classes except 4th period. Roxas and I have Band." Ventus played the harp and Roxas played Tuba.
"We met our PE and Gov teachers over the summer," Riku told the twins. "They're… interesting."
After Cloud picked up the last batch of kids they finally arrived at school. He opened the bus door to let everyone off. Principle Sephiroth was outside the bus waiting for his children. "Why Cloud, thank you for bringing my children safely to school. I'm quite surprised you were able to get them here in one piece," he said in his usual mocking tone.
"Of course I can get them to school safely, I'm not the failure you think I am!" Cloud stood up for himself. When he applied for the bus driver position over the summer he has no clue that Sephiroth would become his boss.
All the kids disembarked from the bus and headed into their school, Square Enix High. It was a tall building in the middle of Shinjuku, Tokyo. They made their way to 1st period, English with Mrs. Ini.
They entered the classroom and sat down; Sora however sat down one second after the bell rang.
"Late!" the teacher said. "If this weren't the first day of school that's an immediate detention." She went to the whiteboard and started writing some information down. "My name is Lulu Ini. You shall call me Mrs. Ini. Is something funny?" she said and turned back after hearing some chuckling from the back of the room.
Sora laughed at her name. "Lulu Ini!" he said out loud, causing the entire class to turn to him.
"Young man, I sense there is a problem?" Lulu asked.
"Sorry, it's just that it sounds funny! Luluini! What is it? Italian?" Sora said as he continued cracking up, his face red.
"There is nothing funny about my name, and if that were so, I would be laughing. Am I?"
"No ma'am."
"Didn't think so," Lulu said then went to her desk and took out a file; it was Sora's file. "Oh, you're Sora. Age 17, son of an oil tycoon, and your home address is 123 Destiny Street. I've heard about you."
"H-how do you know where I live?" Sora asked with fright.
"I know everything about you Sora, it's all in this file right here," Lulu Ini said. "Your favorite musician, your crush on Kairi, and your weakness."
"NO! Not my credit card number!"
After this incident, every student learned something new that day: DO NOT mess with Mrs. Ini.
Lulu scanned the room to see her other students, she recognized a familiar face. "Axel, again?"
"Hehehe," the tall red haired guy chuckled nervously. "Third time's a charm!"
Lulu faced her class, "Some words of advice, I don't care if this is your senior year, if you don't pass my class you are not graduating. Ask Mr. Axel here, who two years in a row refused to do his final essay."
"Not worth it guys, just do it!" Axel warned his classmates. He was stuck in high school while all his friends graduated and started their own organized crime syndicate.
"First assignment for today, meet someone new and get their phone number. You're going to need it because you have to write an essay with this person, due tomorrow," Lulu told her class. "The essay can be about anything."
Roxas turned to Axel, who was sitting near him, "Hi, I'm Roxas nice to meet you."
"Hey Roxas, the name's Axel, got it memorized?" he said and shook his hand.
"Cool, so you wanna do they essay with me?" Roxas asked.
"I think the real question is do YOU want to do it with ME," Axel said playfully. "I'm meeting up with my friends after school to do some 'business. I'll probably be gone all day, unless, you wanna join us?"
Roxas gave himself a second to think, 'Hang out with older people? Heck yeah!' he quickly decided.
Since Sora claimed Kairi for himself, Riku tried to set himself up with Xion, the girl from the bus earlier. "Hey…do you have a partner?"
"No."
"Wanna do the essay with me?"
"Ok."
"Um," Riku said, kind of feeling awkward. "What should we write about? Do you like videogames?"
"No."
"Movies?"
"No."
"Um, puppies?"
"No."
"Keyblades?"
"Yes."
"Woohoo!" Riku said, glad that she finally agreed to something. They then decided to work on their essay at his house after school.
The bell rang, signaling the end of the class period. Everyone got up and packed their bags to head to 2nd period which was P.E.
They changed into their gym clothes and waited for their teacher to arrive. They stood around inside the gym when finally Miss Farron arrived.
"I didn't get the money you said you were gonna send," Lightning was telling someone over the phone. "Well send it again!" she yelled then hung up. "Sorry that was one of my sugar daddies," she excused herself to her class. "So the paperwork says 'Mrs. Electra Loire' but you are going to call me 'Madame Lightning.' The paperwork also says we're supposed to start the tennis unit but that's lame so we're playing my games instead. Anyone who protests will be sent to Pulse," Madame Lightning told her class. "Dear Odin, what are you three doing here?" she asked when she spotted SoKaiKu.
"Lightning! What are YOU doing here, don't you have a chocobo farm to run?" Sora asked. SoKaiKu practically spent their entire summer hanging out at the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm and even bought lifetime passes.
"Noctis is manager now, he's in charge of running the place. But SHHH stop talking about it," Lightning tried to shut him up. She didn't want anyone to know that Sora accidentally became one of her many sugar daddies over the summer.
"Noctis? How? He's our Government and Economics teacher!" Riku said and showed her a copy of his schedule.
"Just because he can teleport and be at 2 places at once doesn't mean he SHOULD," Lightning said after seeing the proof. She was going to have to have a serious talk with Noctis later.
"Anyways, we're playing 'Catch the Bacon' today," Lightning announced and held up the package of precooked bacon. "I put a slice of bacon on a plate in the middle of the court and whoever gets to it first gets to eat and receives 1 point. You need 1,000 points to pass this class at the end of the semester." She set up the slice of bacon then blew her whistle to signal the start of the first round.
All the kids ran towards the bacon, causing a stampede. Riku hadn't eaten anything since the night before so he pushed and stomped his way through to the piece of bacon with desperation.
After stepping on what felt like someone's head, he grabbed the bacon at the same time as someone else, causing the slice to break in half; it was Sora. "Sora, DUDE, I'm starving. Please let me win this round."
"No way!"
"Madame," Ventus called out after recovering from the stampede, "Two people caught the bacon, who gets the point?" he asked politely.
"Whose piece if bigger?" Madame Lightning asked, ready with her clipboard to tally the points.
"Sora's," Riku said with defeat.
"You mean KAIRI'S," Sora said and handed her his piece.
"One point for Kairi," Lightning announced and wrote down the results.
Kairi didn't like eating meat, "Um, Riku, do you want my piece?" she offered her piece of bacon."
"Thank you!" he answered joyfully and ate the first meal he has had in a long time.
The bell rang, signaling the end of the class. The kids changed back into their regular weird clothes and went to their next class, Math with Lord Xemnas.
The kids sat down in their seats and waited for the teacher to show up. He appeared out of a dark portal, holding two suitcases. He sat one down on the desk and opened it, "Hello class, welcome to Organized Crime 101."
"Lord Xemnas," Ventus rose his hand, "This is supposed to be a math class."
"Shut it Ven!" Roxas told his twin; he was far more interested in this Organized Crime class.
"My apologies," Lord Xemnas said, closed the suitcase, then placed the second suitcase onto the desk and opened it. "Welcome slaves, to Personal Finance class. I am Lord Xemnas and you will address me as such-" he said until he was interrupted by his ringing cellphone. He picked it up, "Hello? NO! NO! NO! DARKNESS! KINGDOM HEARTS WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! I REFUSE!" he roared then slammed the cellphone shut.
Everyone stared at him.
"My Jenny Craig meeting was pushed to tomorrow," he explained. He retrieved some papers from his suitcase and started handing them out. "In order to organize my new slaves you must take this simple math assessment. Your score will determine where you sit and what number I call you. Start now!"
Kairi took out her pencil and started the test without hesitation, she was a good test taker and a good student overall. Riku however started panicking, he wasn't a bad student at all but he consistently fell behind on his math skills due to the fact that he could never afford the luxury of a calculator.
Riku turned to Sora to try to cheat off of him, but Sora was mindlessly doodling on the test and singing quietly, "You're giving meeee to many thingssss LATELY!"
Lord Xemnas blew an air horn after 5 minutes and collected the tests. He graded them quickly and began to announce the results. "The students with the highest scores will sit at the back of the classroom whilst the students with the lowest scores sit at the front, where I they can receive my corporal punishment. Kairi Panettiere, you got the highest score and are Number 1, go to the back of the room and choose a seat."
Kairi got up and took a seat at the back by a window like a typical anime protagonist. "Number 2 is Ventus McCartney, take your seat at the back now my slave," Xemnas said.
Roxas immediately got up, "Roxas, what are you doing?" Ven asked shyly as his twin took his seat at the back.
"Shut it Ven!" Roxas said.
Lord Xemnas called out the other students' results, Sora was the last person. "Lastly, Sora Joel Osment with a score of 0%. I've never witnessed such an example of idiocy and ineptitude in my entire career. You are Number 25, take your seat at the front of the class."
"Oh man!" Sora said with instant regret. He sat at the only seat left, the one with the overhead projector on it. "You'll be hearing from my dad about this!" he threatened Lord Xemnas.
"Now to start on today's lesson, we will be doing word problems," Lord Xemnas announced and turned on the overhead projector. He started writing out the problem, "Two people call me asking for a loan, one wants 50,000 munny with an 80% interest rate and has an average yearly income of 20,000 munny. The other wants 40,000 with a 90% interest rate but he only has an average yearly income of 10,000 munny. I can only afford to give one person a loan, so which person will pay me back with interest sooner?" Lord Xemnas finished explaining the question.
Namine rose one of her casted hands, "I think the first person will, since they have a higher yearly income," she said from her seat towards the back.
Ventus rose his hand nervously, "Um, Lord Xemnas…are you a loan shark?"
"Nonsense!" Lord Xemnas answered, then took out his cellphone and dialed a number, "Saix, give the loan to the first client," he said after consulting with his class. "Next question, my niece's birthday is coming up, what is an appropriate gift for a 9 year old girl?"
Sora rose his hand, "Diamonds! Or better, a car!" Sora said; he had gifted Madame Lightning a car for her birthday during summer break, he knew a thing or two about what women really want.
"Bad slave!" Lord Xemnas said. He retrieved a squirt bottle of lemon juice from his desk and squirted it on Sora's face.
"AH UH AH!" Sora cried, his eyes burning.
Next time: Why is Riku called into Principal Sephiroth's office? The kids show off their school lunches. The lunchman is _? No way! And computers class becomes chatroom central.
Thank you very much for reading! Please leave me a review! Chapter 2 is the remainder of the first day of school. See y'all next time