NotAnotherTwilight Parody

My very own Twilight-Parody. Get ready for some Stephanie Meyer and Bella Swan beating (metaphoric beating I might the end anyway). Ok...I know it is a bit messed up but I cba to get the book out and do it properly. Just enjoy. This is a one off I might add. I just had to vent my Twilight angst and wanted a decent excuse to ignore homework.

p.s. B&Q is a hardware/furniture store. Just so you know, you americans...*grins*. leave a comment if you enjoy. dankeshun guys.

Kate Duck really didn't want to live in Sporks. She really really didn't want to live in Sporks. Her mum had just remarried and instead of everything being hunky-dory Kate was going to Sporks to live with her Dad. Even Kate's mum didn't know why Kate was going to Sporks. No one knew why Kate was going to Sporks. It was like there was a mysterious force dragging her there...Anyway. After months of Kate screaming and banging her head against the wall like a normal teenager she finally got on a plane and flew to Sporks. Fantastic.

Kate got into her Dad's police car (he had been allowed to keep the car even though he had been fired for being Sporks' worst police chief). Kate felt no connection with her dad, just a faint sense of embarrassment that she had to be seen with him. Quickly she stuffed her ipod in her ears and sat listening to heavy metal for the whole journey. When they arrived at Chief Duck's house, Chief Duck proceeded to show his daughter the cheap car he had bought her from a junkyard.

'Thanks for the scrap metal,' Kate shouted at her lousy father and went to her room. There she began to self-harm because she had become an Emo.

The next morning there was snow on the ground. Kate actually stopped shaving her head in front of the bathroom mirror to go and cheer out of the window.

'WOO! Snow day!' Kate spent the snow day reading trashy teen novels instead of 'classics' to show how intellectual she was. Taylor Lautner turned up but he was younger than Kate and talked about Halo3 non-stop so Kate ignored him.

Kate turned up at school when the snow had melted. It was shit just like school just like every other school in the world. The students laughed at her car and at her hair. Kate decided she hated her Dad even more for getting the crappy car. Nothing happened during the day. Kate lurked, emo-ishly and went to the bathroom to self harm again. She wondered if she could call her mum to take her home. Of course she couldn't. The force that had dragged her to Sporks wouldn't let her.

Things got even worse in Biology. She was sat next to the class freak. He was white, with big teeth and appeared to have rubbed body glitter all over himself. Worst of all, he was ginger. Kate sat herself as far away from the freak as possibly.

'You're Kate Duck aren't you?' Kate ignored him. The ginger was not deterred. He pushed a note under her nose and began to rock back and forth. There were sniggers from the back of the class. In spite of herself Kate read the note. HELP ME! Bella is coming.

'Wtf?' The ginger was too busy rocking to talk to her. The lesson ended really fast because there was nothing else that could advance the 'plot'. Kate gathered her stuff up and wandered out of the classroom. All she had to look forward to was another meeting with the Halonerd or the ginger freak.

'EDWARD!' Kate spun about as an incredibly pretty yet surprising plain girl ran along the corridor. The girl proceeded to fall flat upon her face. A dozen 'classics' fell out of her bag. There was more snickering from the class. The ginger freak looked like a rabbit caught in headlights. He caught Kate's eye and Kate saw pure terror. She quickly put two and two together (instead of taking a couple of chapters to work out the obvious). The girl, Bella, launched herself at the freak (Edward). After falling over again she managed to catch Edward and make out passionately. Edward was squirming away but Bella had him against the wall. Kate walked past, sniggering.

'Edward baby, why won't you kiss me properly?' Bella whined.

'Er...I can't. I might eat you.'

'So you want to make out real bad but it only because you love me so much that you won't actually kiss me?'

'Whatever you said.'

Kate went back to her lame excuse for a vehicle pausing only to eye up another freak. Admittedly he had put glitter on his arms too but he looked hard. In all senses of the word.

'Hey Sexy. Wanna come home with me?'

'Hell ya. My life is really boring without you.'

Kate went and joined the massive guy in his fancy car.

'What's your name then?'

'Kate Duck.'

'Sweet. Mine's Emmet. Don't ask. It was like, fashionable when I was turned into a vampire.'

'You're a vampire?' No shit. I'm an emo.'

Kate drove home with Emmet, feeling better than she had for days. Emmet pulled over into some handily placed trees and they started to make out over the dashboard. Just as things were getting interesting (Emmet had his hand down Kate's shirt) things blacked out. When the strange darkness cleared up Emmet and Kate were sitting in a room.

'Wft?'Kate said again.

'That happens everytime I try to have sex with a minor. It is so damn annoying.'

'Tell me about it. Where are we?'

Kate peered around at the boring, white furniture.

'A display in B&Q. I live here with my family. We're squatters.' Emmet got up and rubbed some more glitter onto his face. 'I'm off to kill a mountain lion. Ciao.' Several shoppers, bearing flat packed furniture and matching pillows, squeaked in fear. Kate was just about to go (being disappointed and horny after the failed attempt to lose her virginity) when Edward turned up. He was out of breath.

'S'up,' Kate said casually. Edward grabbed her arm. 'You have to help me. Bella is coming. She will write you out!'

'She will what?'

'Write you out! You aren't Twilight material. None of this is real. None of it. Except you Kate. Thank God you came. I couldn't stand anymore glitter. Do you think I would do this to myself?' He gestured to his glittering face and to his hair (Kate could now see darker roots where the ginger dye had faded). 'Or killing mountain lions. Or being so weedy. I was practically homosexual. Bella made me do it all.'

'Jesus, go to the police man.' Kate shook Edward's hand off her arm. 'Or get a therapist,' she added.

'Oh Edward...don't say you've run off to Italy again...you remember how cross it made me!' Kate and Edward froze at the sound of a sickly sweet voice. Bella skipped into the furniture display. Her gorgeous almond eyes narrowed as she spotted them. 'Who's this?'

'I'm Kate biatch.'

'I never wrote you. You have your own personality! That is not allowed. God, you might eclipse me from my own book. Hang on...Eclipse...that sounds good. Someone write that down.' Bella was mumbling to herself, tripping over as she stood still just to prove her point. Before Kate's eyes Bella morphed into Stephanie Meyer.

'HOLY COW!' Kate yelled. Edward crumpled next to her, whimpering in fear.

'NO SWEARING. That is it! You are not messing up my book. I want to be famous and I want monster-fitass boys to fight over me.'

'Not likely. You aren't ruining Edward's life anymore with your sadistic games.'

Kate proceeded to have a bitch fight with Meyer. She won, using the razor blades she kept in her pocket for self harm. At once things returned to normal in Sporks. Chief Duck got married and had lots of babies then had an affair and a messy divorce. Kate's mum and her new hubby had another kid and forgot about Kate. The police came to B&Q and the Cullens were cleared out. The Cullens themselves found they no longer liked killing wildlife/wearing glitter and continued to have mediocre lives. Kate finally had sex with Emmet and became pregnant underage. She lived happily ever after as a single mum working on a checkout. You can decide what happens to Meyer's body. I'm not going there.