LOVERS' INFINITENESS
Gil Grissom sat at his desk in his apartment, an entomology text open but unread. His mind was no longer on the bee sitting in the dish on the smooth surface of his workspace, but was focused on the only life form that fascinated him more than insects, his Sara.
She had called that morning, sounding sad and a little lost. He had offered once again to go to her, even if for just a few days to provide whatever support he could. But once again, she had refused his offer. She didn't want him there, she told him. She needed to do this on her own. And once again, his heart had broken.
As the time had passed since her departure, Gil had experienced so many emotional ups and downs. He missed her terribly and wanted to be with her. And he was afraid for her, emotionally. Then there was that other fear; the fear that she was slipping away from him and would never return.
What if she no longer loved him? What if she found someone else? Gil pondered these questions and decided, for about the thousandth time since she left, that as long as she was happy, he could bear it. He wanted her to be happy.
But he still loved her; loved her even more and more and needed her in his life. Nothing was the same without her. Everything seemed a little…empty. As he thought his thoughts, he wished that he could express them to her in their phone conversations. It wasn't that they didn't have serious conversations, but when it came to telling her how he felt about her, his tongue always got knotted up and his mind went blank. Sadness enveloped him as he reflected on his inability to just say what he felt.
Suddenly an idea struck him. Walking to his bookshelves, he perused the covers until his eyes landed on the desired volume. Pulling it from the shelf, he walked back to the desk. He pulled a sheet of paper out of his drawer and began writing.
My dearest Sara,
I enjoyed your call this morning but was saddened to hear the sorrow in your voice. I wish you would let me come see you. I want to hold you and comfort you, but most of all I simply need to see you. The apartment is lonely without you, I am lonely without you. By the way, so is Hank.
As time has passed, I confess that I have become frightened that I am losing you. I know you feel you must do this 'thing' on your own but please honey, let me inside your grief, if only a little. Let me try to help or at the very least, just be there for you. I don't think you should be alone and I know how empty I feel without you. Please, I need to see you, to hold you…to love you.
It seems I am always relying on others to speak for me where you are concerned and this time I am recalling the words of John Donne.
IF yet I have not all thy love,
Dear, I shall never have it all ;
I cannot breathe one other sigh, to move,
Nor can intreat one other tear to fall ;
And all my treasure, which should purchase thee,
Sighs, tears, and oaths, and letters I have spent ;
Yet no more can be due to me,
Than at the bargain made was meant.
If then thy gift of love were partial,
That some to me, some should to others fall,
Dear, I shall never have thee all.
Or if then thou gavest me all,
All was but all, which thou hadst then ;
But if in thy heart since there be or shall
New love created be by other men,
Which have their stocks entire, and can in tears,
In sighs, in oaths, and letters, outbid me,
This new love may beget new fears,
For this love was not vow'd by thee.
And yet it was, thy gift being general ;
The ground, thy heart, is mine ; what ever shall
Grow there, dear, I should have it all.
Yet I would not have all yet.
He that hath all can have no more ;
And since my love doth every day admit
New growth, thou shouldst have new rewards in store ;
Thou canst not every day give me thy heart,
If thou canst give it, then thou never gavest it ;
Love's riddles are, that though thy heart depart,
It stays at home, and thou with losing savest it ;
But we will have a way more liberal,
Than changing hearts, to join them ; so we shall
Be one, and one another's all.
Please my love, let me be your all. You are mine.
Gil
His hand found the stamps in the desk drawer and he placed one on an envelope before addressing it. Putting his pen down, he whistled to Hank. "Let's go for a walk," he told the dog.
The pair walked down the block to a mailbox on the corner. Gil stood with his hand on the handle, looking at the letter. He remembered another letter from two years ago; one he never mailed. Opening the box, he dropped the envelope inside. Then smiling he turned to walk with Hank back home. This time he mailed the letter.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
The poem is LOVERS' INFINITENESS by John Donne. As most of you know by now, I'm not a GSR fan. But I thought I'd give it a shot since I have so many GSR fans who read my stuff and are so gracious in their comments, even though they would rather Gil be with Sara. I hope everyone finds something enjoyable in this little piece. Please leave reviews; they keep me inspired. And I have learned so much from them too!