This is a challenge that I asked theretard5892 to give me. It's my first crack fic, but hey, I've done a lot of first and I don't regret any of them. Think what you want of that sentence because I just found a double meaning in it. Anyways, hope you enjoy what my mind made so you can laugh. Hardy-har-har. Go on…

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, but Arakawa does.

Because of a Mary Sue

So yeah, Roy and Riza were walking around Central, you know, being buddies and all and out of no where, Ed and Winry pop out, all happy and shit.

They start chatting and Roy starts checking Winry out which causes Ed to beat the crap out of him and get Riza jealous.

So Ed and Winry leave, but five seconds later, she runs up to Roy and kisses him.

"What the fuck, Winry?!" Ed yells.

"We're through." She said.

"Hooray for your break-up!" Roy cheers as he leaves Riza in the shadows.

"Aw, I'm sad now." Ed sniffles.

Then, a door appears in front of him with a big red button in his reach.

"I wonder what this button does," he said pressing it and making the door open.

"Holy crappers, I mean crackers, I mean…yeah, crappers!" he said as he stared at it.

"Should I sit on it or eat it? Hey, I can sit on it and eat it!" He opened his mouth to take a bite, but Mayra came and threw one of Ed's dirty socks at him.

"Ed, it's not a Cinnabon!" Mayra retorts.

"I thought it was that's why I was going to eat it."

"You're going to get transfat in your arteries."

"And?"

"You'll drop dead and will never eat it again!"

"Hooray for death!" he cheered.

"Just get in the door." Mayra pushed him in and he landed in a dark room. And in that dark room was a chick who was bleeding to death. And Ed, being a helpful little boy scout, went to see what was wrong.

"DID YOU JUST CALL ME SMALL?" Ed retorted.

"You look miniature-sized to me from up here." Mayra said.

"Fuck you, Mayra!" He yelled.

"And I wrote the 'F' so nicely in my notebook so you could say it. How ungrateful of you, Ed."

"Grr."

"Help the bitch, I mean, chick already!" She hissed.

And the bitch, I mean whore, I mean girl, looked at Ed.

"What the fuck happened to you, bitch, I mean girl?" he asked intrigued.

"My name is Daviana, and I'm not a bitch." She said. "I'm a girl deep in love with Shou Tucker and that's why I decided to bring him back." She explained.

"You brought that wuss back?" Ed laughed. "You like a sick chimera! You like a sick chimera!" he sang in that frilly sing-song tone.

"Stop it!" she hissed.

But Ed kept going "la, la, la, la, la."

"I thought you were supposed to be upset, Ed." Mayra and Daviana said.

Ed fell to the floor. "Oh," he looked at Daviana and freaked out.

"Chick, what happened to your boobs? You're like genderless now!" he mused and pointed.

"I'm not genderless!" she yelled.

"You're just a head now. You're freaking me out!" he said in a King Julien voice.

"Julien?" Daviana asked.

"No, I'm Vic." He said.

"No, you're Ed." Mayra said.

"No, I'm Sacha." Ed said.

"NO, YOU'RE ED!" Mayra said.

"I am?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"No, you're Al's brother."

"Who's that?"

"ED!"

"Who's that?"

Then Ms. Arakawa jumps out and slaps Ed.

"Stop it." She ordered.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Now, start paying attention."

"You silly cow." He laughed.

And then, Arakawa mooed out of the way, not moved, mooed.

All of a sudden, Daviana is in Ed's arms, letting her blood spill on him.

"Ugh, gross, get away you bitch." He said in disgust.

"But I know why Winry left you." She said.

"Aw, I'm sad again. You made me sad bitch!" he sniffled again.

"Tucker created a chicken/cow chimer that hypnotized Winry to go with Roy."

"So he combined Church's with Arakawa? That's amazing and creepy, but tasty." Ed's mouth watered. "But I believe you since there was no way Winry would leave me in a billion and one years."

"Right, she would have left you in a billion and two." Daviana pointed out.

"Aw, I'm sad again. Quit making me sad!" he screams.

"You know my biggest regret?" she asked.

"Bringing that wuss back?" Ed asked indifferently while looking at his nails.

"No, letting that bitch called Mayra write this!" she yelled.

"Hey, you call me a bitch, you die." Mayra said in a terminator voice.

"No, not Mayra Schwarzenegger!" Daviana begged.

"Yes." Mayra said rubbing her hands together.

And then, Daviana the bitch went splodie and all her organs except for her boobs since she didn't have any, went flying everywhere.

"I wonder if she was friends with Lust." Ed wondered.

"She was, that's why she was a bitch." Mayra said dusting off the gore and guts that rested on her right shoulder. "You want to say something, Ed?"

"Uh, uh…is this a trick question?" Ed asked stupidly.

"Yes, very tricky, genius."

"Uh, oh! Ding-dong, the bitch is dead!" he cheered raising his arms.

"Yey, you quoted Lori from 'Glass Castle, a memoir." Mayra said.

"Who?"

"Lori."

"Sacha?"

"Lori!"

"Vic?"

"Ed!"

"Mommy?"

"Brandon!"

"No, I'm Ed!"

"Ugh, gasp."

"But I'm still sad." Ed bowed his head. "Tear, tear, puddle, puddle." And yet, another sniffle.

Just then, Ed lands in Central before the door that Mayra pushed him in. And then, Winry runs to him and starts making out with him there and then.

Then Roy comes up to Riza, but she bitch-slaps him (I seem to be using that word a lot, right?) and throws the voodoo doll full of pins she had of him and starts making out with him on the side walk.

The chimera and Shou Tucker blow up, causing an earthquake that sucks them into hell and Ms. Arakawa, Mayra, and Mird show up eating popcorn.

Then, they see Daviana's remains and point at her yelling "In your face, bitch (well, let me change the word) slut!" There better?

Then, they start throwing popcorn at her until she burns of too much butter and salt.

And they lived happily ever after, wait where'd that come from? We're not in Disney!

"And that's all I got to say about that."

"Tom Hanks, get of the screen!" Mayra and Mird start chasing him off as Ms. Arakawa places her hoove on the screen to cover the torture.

Well, this took me like an hour to write so you could read it in like six minutes. Congratulations for being so lucky. Anyways, hope you all laughed or liked or whatever. Review as well. I keep this guarantee that I review you if you review me. Thanks.

-Auto-Alchemechanicist-