Title: The Golden Persimmon
Author: E_Eevee
Genre: Parody/Humor
Rating: G (OMG, I wrote something G?! Too funny)
Summary: Parody of the Greek myth concerning three vengeful Goddesses, one
golden fruit, and one unfortunate mortal. Very OOC.
Disclaimer: Don't own nothing but a crazy brain and a broken down body!
Everything was going just perfect, as it should. The wedding was a glorious affair, as it should be. The guests were colorful, powerful, and polite, as they should be. The food tangibly delicious and the drinks flavorful, as they should be. Nothing was wrong, everything was perfect.
So why was there this sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach?
God Kenshin shifted on his throne wishing that for once he might prowl the festivities as his wife was doing. Instead he was the figurehead, always the figurehead. The very clouds themselves that held the great palace of the Gods would disperse and topple if he descended this throne! But something was amiss.
With a sigh he waited impatiently. Whatever it was, it had better happen soon. He had other, more important things to deal with as soon as this grand affair was done and over with. It wasn't like King Saitoh even appreciated it! More like his subjects, he thought, surly.
In fact, the lean, wolf-like king was back in some anti-social corner, most likely brooding in silence with Aoshi, the God of War. The two of them must have been born utterly lacking anything resembling social grace. They were a pair alright. Kenshin very much doubted that either were even speaking at the moment. Tea and cigarettes, what that what the world came down to when things were overbearing and boring?
Why couldn't Aoshi be more like his sister Eris, Goddess of Discord?
No, scratch that! One of her was far more than the world could already bear! While Aoshi started and aided what his pragmatic mind and logical thinking dictated, his sister was the opposite. She was spontaneous, vengeful, and always on the search for trouble.
Kenshin was glad she had been sent on a wild goose chase somewhere on the opposite corner of the world. It would not do to have her at this wedding! This was an important event, one that needed to be pristine.
Just as that last word struck his mind things collapsed.
Eris, although loving to gloat and take credit, knew her plan wouldn't work if she were spotted dealing it out. So secretly, she rolled the Golden Persimmon right smack in the middle of the three most persistent, and loud Goddesses there were.
She had been enraged that they dared to strike her off the list of such an elite and prestigious wedding! Of course, her vindictive nature demanded nothing less than totally chaos as repayment.
"Oh look!" Goddess Misao, keeper of Wisdom and such, shouted making most cover their ears, "It says, To the Fairest. What's th- Hey, I saw it first!"
She had yipped because, Kaoru, Queen of the Gods, had snatched it right out of her hand. The two were usually good friends, share and share a like right? Not when it came to sparklies. Oh no, they didn't share things that glittered it simply wasn't done.
"It's for me, because I am the Queen and the fairest. They go hand in hand!" Kaoru pronounced only to be knocked aside by a taller, more beautiful Goddess.
Now, unlike the other two, she was more of a marginal friend. Megumi, Goddess of Beauty was, well, just that. She didn't have time to cultivate meaningless friendships with annoying Goddesses all the time! She had a life. Well, plenty of them. Humans were so ridicules, but fun to seduce. She did enjoy the incense they put at her temples and all the finery too.
"But girls, everyone knows I am the Goddess of Beauty! I outshine and outstrip you in such a contest. So much so it is embarrassing."
The other two stared at her with fiery eyes. The crowd of spectators backed off slightly, then ran a few yards. No one wanted to be caught in the crossfire!
BAM!
Broken knives, large wooden splinters, and other various objects flew everywhere as the vivacious trio duked it out.
"Enough!" Kenshin cried, he had a headache. Of course, he didn't realize that by opening his mouth he would attract their attention.
The three paused in their scuffle and looked at each other. With a silent nod of consensus, Megumi, who was still holding the Persimmon, rolled it towards his dais.
"Dear Husband, you are ruler of the Gods and undoubtedly wisest of us all. Who do you think it was meant for?" Kaoru said sweetly.
He gulped and looked at the shiny fruit. It glistened innocently in the fading light.
What to do, what to do?
He wasn't stupid, oh no, not after that last incident with the white bull. His wife was very possessive and jealous. A good thing, right? Not when she watched you 24/7. It got tiresome and you never could be sure you weren't followed. er, back on subject.
But if he gave it to her that would be a sign of favoritism. That could land him in some hot water. The other two were quite powerful in their own right so they could easily gang up and make his life miserable for a few hundred years.
So to the dilemma: Give it to the wife and keep the marriage peace. Maybe he could even slip his leash and mess with some mortals. Or he could give it to one of the other two and have her on his back all the time. Heh, not that that was an entirely bad thing.
"You require an unbiased judge." He replied with dignity. The years had afforded him with many insights, but the most valuable by far was this one: Don't mess around in the middle of a woman's battlefield. "Yahiko, find a suitable judge for the three, if you would."
The messenger raised an eyebrow before laughing and racing off to do his bidding.
Yahiko zipped along easily on his winged feet, dancing in the clouds. What an interesting party. He had gone thinking it would be boring. Social events like that always were. Yap, yap, yap. Talk, talk, talk. Bo-ring. And you had to be so polite, no calling Kaoru Ugly.
He spotted a likely victim sitting out on a hill. The young man had messy brown hair and he was singing a song that would have made Kamatari, God of Festivities and Drink, blush a rosy shade of pink.
Yahiko lit down on the grass and cleared his throat. His eye ticked. Had he just been ignored? Surely not. He was messenger to the Gods! Apparently he wasn't loud enough to be heard over all that awful racket. So he tried again. Same.
"Hey, chicken brain! Pay attention here buddy or I'll go find someone else to get some power, fortune, and fame." That got the sod's attention.
"Hey, wait. Don't do that. I was just singing and all. What's this you need me to do? Have some sake, it's the best."
Oh, so that's how it was.
"Well, the Gods have an issue they need a smart mortal like you to solve."
"Heh." The young man didn't look too appreciative of the fact. He took a swig and grinned, "That's it. And I thought it might start a war."
Yahiko rolled his eyes and resisted the urge to bite on the guy's head. How unprofessional that would be!
So Yahiko launched into the tale and waited expectantly.
"Well, I can't say what they look like," The young man scratched his head, "But can't they just, I don't know, share it?"
Yahiko's jaw dropped. How simple! Too bad those three would rather have their organs torn out everyday before having to share such splendid eye- candy.
"Listen, this Goddess won't share, besides, don't you want to see which can offer you better?"
Before the youth could answer the three materialized, each looking their most magnificent.
"Yahiko, leave us." Kaoru commanded grandly. Yahiko, knowing his queen wouldn't like it if he usurped her superiority, stuck his tongue out only after he was sure she wasn't looking.
"My, he is a handsome one." Megumi remarked, eyeing him, "What is your name mortal?"
The youth was drooling too much to answer. He was, in fact, in danger of drowning in his own spit.
"Yeah, yeah." Misao, supposedly having patience as one of her mighty virtues, snapped, "Get on with it. Pick one of us!"
"What ya got for me?"
He had no idea how close to a clonk on the head he was when he uttered those words.
"I can offer you power. The power over all of Japan and beyond. You will be a great ruler!" Kaoru conjioled in a coax tone, "Imagine, all your loyal subjects shouting- what was your name again?"
"Sanosuke Sagara." He replied promptly, his eyes unfocused with thoughts of being an unsurpassed ruler. They didn't go very much farther that where Kaoru had led him and he frowned.
"Anyway, Sanosuke, picture having thousands of people bowing and cheering to you, their mighty and beloved leader. You would never want for anything again. All the most powerful men would bow to you."
"Even King Saitoh?" The youth asked.
"Er, sure."
"I don't know. That's very tempting. What'd you other two ladies got to offer?"
Misao bounded forth, "I can offer you Wisdom near to my own! You would be the wisest, smartest man. You would be revered and acknowledged. Kings would fight over your services and woman would be in awe of your wit. Your luck in battle would always be in your favor. You could be a great general."
Now, apparently, by the way he was looking around that didn't appeal overly much. Someone wasn't into intelligence obviously. His eyes had gleamed at the mention of battle. A down to Earth man.
The last Goddess had been watching with an amused smirk gracing her cherry colored lips. Now she glided forward and whispered, "I can make you the have the best body this world has ever seen, not that I am lacking in what to work with, and you may have the most beautiful woman as you wife."
Bingo. Ding ding ding, we have winner! All about the hormones here. What do you expect, really?
Megumi snatched the golden prize up gleefully while the other two shot evil, hate filled glances at him. There would be some consequences, oh yes. They had powerful connections- wait, they were powerful, so what's with the connections? Doing it oneself would prove far more satisfying. So the three left in a puff of smoke.
Now here's the problem. He was already married. No, no. That wasn't the exact problem. Not at all. His wife was woman named Sayo, although she tended to go by the name Magdaria. She had learned the art of prophesy and foresaw a most unfortunate end for her husband.
The real problem was that his promised woman, Yumi, was already married to another. A very powerful man and ruler named Shishio.
Guess his decision started a war after all.
A/N: And that was totally random, pointless, and insane ^______^ I'm pleased! And I skipped my walk for this. For those of you who aren't familiar with the original Greek myth of The Golden Apple, let me give you the low down:
Eris, the Goddess of Strife and Discord, was NOT invited to this great wedding where everyone who was anyone attended. Pissed, she decided to do her job and stir up some chaos. She rolled the Gold Apple marked "to the fairest" into the midst of the Goddesses mingling. Now these females weren't friends and didn't like to share, not at all. The three that ended up in close combat were Hera, Queen of the Gods, Athena, Goddess of War and Wisdom, and Aphrodite, Goddess of Love (like you didn't know that last one ~.^ ). The three appealed to Zeus, King of the Gods, who did send Hermes, the runty messenger with winged shoes and helm, to find a judge. They found Paris (or Alexander, whichever you prefer). The three Goddesses presented him with those options. He chose lust (and why not?). His wife, the nymph Oenone had a vision of his death if he pursued the most beautiful woman: Helen of Troy. Thus the Trojan War started! Mwahaha. And you can be sure Eris was laughing her head off in some enjoyable spot! Or maybe just swooped down on a few battlefields with her brother Ares in her chariot.
I didn't think they had apples originally in Japan, so I improvised. And as for not making Eris into a character, I didn't want to diss her Badness. Besides, I ran out of useable female characters (not a word about the two ninja twits or Tomoe). Hope you enjoyed it! If not, want to tell me about it? Too bad!
Everything was going just perfect, as it should. The wedding was a glorious affair, as it should be. The guests were colorful, powerful, and polite, as they should be. The food tangibly delicious and the drinks flavorful, as they should be. Nothing was wrong, everything was perfect.
So why was there this sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach?
God Kenshin shifted on his throne wishing that for once he might prowl the festivities as his wife was doing. Instead he was the figurehead, always the figurehead. The very clouds themselves that held the great palace of the Gods would disperse and topple if he descended this throne! But something was amiss.
With a sigh he waited impatiently. Whatever it was, it had better happen soon. He had other, more important things to deal with as soon as this grand affair was done and over with. It wasn't like King Saitoh even appreciated it! More like his subjects, he thought, surly.
In fact, the lean, wolf-like king was back in some anti-social corner, most likely brooding in silence with Aoshi, the God of War. The two of them must have been born utterly lacking anything resembling social grace. They were a pair alright. Kenshin very much doubted that either were even speaking at the moment. Tea and cigarettes, what that what the world came down to when things were overbearing and boring?
Why couldn't Aoshi be more like his sister Eris, Goddess of Discord?
No, scratch that! One of her was far more than the world could already bear! While Aoshi started and aided what his pragmatic mind and logical thinking dictated, his sister was the opposite. She was spontaneous, vengeful, and always on the search for trouble.
Kenshin was glad she had been sent on a wild goose chase somewhere on the opposite corner of the world. It would not do to have her at this wedding! This was an important event, one that needed to be pristine.
Just as that last word struck his mind things collapsed.
Eris, although loving to gloat and take credit, knew her plan wouldn't work if she were spotted dealing it out. So secretly, she rolled the Golden Persimmon right smack in the middle of the three most persistent, and loud Goddesses there were.
She had been enraged that they dared to strike her off the list of such an elite and prestigious wedding! Of course, her vindictive nature demanded nothing less than totally chaos as repayment.
"Oh look!" Goddess Misao, keeper of Wisdom and such, shouted making most cover their ears, "It says, To the Fairest. What's th- Hey, I saw it first!"
She had yipped because, Kaoru, Queen of the Gods, had snatched it right out of her hand. The two were usually good friends, share and share a like right? Not when it came to sparklies. Oh no, they didn't share things that glittered it simply wasn't done.
"It's for me, because I am the Queen and the fairest. They go hand in hand!" Kaoru pronounced only to be knocked aside by a taller, more beautiful Goddess.
Now, unlike the other two, she was more of a marginal friend. Megumi, Goddess of Beauty was, well, just that. She didn't have time to cultivate meaningless friendships with annoying Goddesses all the time! She had a life. Well, plenty of them. Humans were so ridicules, but fun to seduce. She did enjoy the incense they put at her temples and all the finery too.
"But girls, everyone knows I am the Goddess of Beauty! I outshine and outstrip you in such a contest. So much so it is embarrassing."
The other two stared at her with fiery eyes. The crowd of spectators backed off slightly, then ran a few yards. No one wanted to be caught in the crossfire!
BAM!
Broken knives, large wooden splinters, and other various objects flew everywhere as the vivacious trio duked it out.
"Enough!" Kenshin cried, he had a headache. Of course, he didn't realize that by opening his mouth he would attract their attention.
The three paused in their scuffle and looked at each other. With a silent nod of consensus, Megumi, who was still holding the Persimmon, rolled it towards his dais.
"Dear Husband, you are ruler of the Gods and undoubtedly wisest of us all. Who do you think it was meant for?" Kaoru said sweetly.
He gulped and looked at the shiny fruit. It glistened innocently in the fading light.
What to do, what to do?
He wasn't stupid, oh no, not after that last incident with the white bull. His wife was very possessive and jealous. A good thing, right? Not when she watched you 24/7. It got tiresome and you never could be sure you weren't followed. er, back on subject.
But if he gave it to her that would be a sign of favoritism. That could land him in some hot water. The other two were quite powerful in their own right so they could easily gang up and make his life miserable for a few hundred years.
So to the dilemma: Give it to the wife and keep the marriage peace. Maybe he could even slip his leash and mess with some mortals. Or he could give it to one of the other two and have her on his back all the time. Heh, not that that was an entirely bad thing.
"You require an unbiased judge." He replied with dignity. The years had afforded him with many insights, but the most valuable by far was this one: Don't mess around in the middle of a woman's battlefield. "Yahiko, find a suitable judge for the three, if you would."
The messenger raised an eyebrow before laughing and racing off to do his bidding.
Yahiko zipped along easily on his winged feet, dancing in the clouds. What an interesting party. He had gone thinking it would be boring. Social events like that always were. Yap, yap, yap. Talk, talk, talk. Bo-ring. And you had to be so polite, no calling Kaoru Ugly.
He spotted a likely victim sitting out on a hill. The young man had messy brown hair and he was singing a song that would have made Kamatari, God of Festivities and Drink, blush a rosy shade of pink.
Yahiko lit down on the grass and cleared his throat. His eye ticked. Had he just been ignored? Surely not. He was messenger to the Gods! Apparently he wasn't loud enough to be heard over all that awful racket. So he tried again. Same.
"Hey, chicken brain! Pay attention here buddy or I'll go find someone else to get some power, fortune, and fame." That got the sod's attention.
"Hey, wait. Don't do that. I was just singing and all. What's this you need me to do? Have some sake, it's the best."
Oh, so that's how it was.
"Well, the Gods have an issue they need a smart mortal like you to solve."
"Heh." The young man didn't look too appreciative of the fact. He took a swig and grinned, "That's it. And I thought it might start a war."
Yahiko rolled his eyes and resisted the urge to bite on the guy's head. How unprofessional that would be!
So Yahiko launched into the tale and waited expectantly.
"Well, I can't say what they look like," The young man scratched his head, "But can't they just, I don't know, share it?"
Yahiko's jaw dropped. How simple! Too bad those three would rather have their organs torn out everyday before having to share such splendid eye- candy.
"Listen, this Goddess won't share, besides, don't you want to see which can offer you better?"
Before the youth could answer the three materialized, each looking their most magnificent.
"Yahiko, leave us." Kaoru commanded grandly. Yahiko, knowing his queen wouldn't like it if he usurped her superiority, stuck his tongue out only after he was sure she wasn't looking.
"My, he is a handsome one." Megumi remarked, eyeing him, "What is your name mortal?"
The youth was drooling too much to answer. He was, in fact, in danger of drowning in his own spit.
"Yeah, yeah." Misao, supposedly having patience as one of her mighty virtues, snapped, "Get on with it. Pick one of us!"
"What ya got for me?"
He had no idea how close to a clonk on the head he was when he uttered those words.
"I can offer you power. The power over all of Japan and beyond. You will be a great ruler!" Kaoru conjioled in a coax tone, "Imagine, all your loyal subjects shouting- what was your name again?"
"Sanosuke Sagara." He replied promptly, his eyes unfocused with thoughts of being an unsurpassed ruler. They didn't go very much farther that where Kaoru had led him and he frowned.
"Anyway, Sanosuke, picture having thousands of people bowing and cheering to you, their mighty and beloved leader. You would never want for anything again. All the most powerful men would bow to you."
"Even King Saitoh?" The youth asked.
"Er, sure."
"I don't know. That's very tempting. What'd you other two ladies got to offer?"
Misao bounded forth, "I can offer you Wisdom near to my own! You would be the wisest, smartest man. You would be revered and acknowledged. Kings would fight over your services and woman would be in awe of your wit. Your luck in battle would always be in your favor. You could be a great general."
Now, apparently, by the way he was looking around that didn't appeal overly much. Someone wasn't into intelligence obviously. His eyes had gleamed at the mention of battle. A down to Earth man.
The last Goddess had been watching with an amused smirk gracing her cherry colored lips. Now she glided forward and whispered, "I can make you the have the best body this world has ever seen, not that I am lacking in what to work with, and you may have the most beautiful woman as you wife."
Bingo. Ding ding ding, we have winner! All about the hormones here. What do you expect, really?
Megumi snatched the golden prize up gleefully while the other two shot evil, hate filled glances at him. There would be some consequences, oh yes. They had powerful connections- wait, they were powerful, so what's with the connections? Doing it oneself would prove far more satisfying. So the three left in a puff of smoke.
Now here's the problem. He was already married. No, no. That wasn't the exact problem. Not at all. His wife was woman named Sayo, although she tended to go by the name Magdaria. She had learned the art of prophesy and foresaw a most unfortunate end for her husband.
The real problem was that his promised woman, Yumi, was already married to another. A very powerful man and ruler named Shishio.
Guess his decision started a war after all.
A/N: And that was totally random, pointless, and insane ^______^ I'm pleased! And I skipped my walk for this. For those of you who aren't familiar with the original Greek myth of The Golden Apple, let me give you the low down:
Eris, the Goddess of Strife and Discord, was NOT invited to this great wedding where everyone who was anyone attended. Pissed, she decided to do her job and stir up some chaos. She rolled the Gold Apple marked "to the fairest" into the midst of the Goddesses mingling. Now these females weren't friends and didn't like to share, not at all. The three that ended up in close combat were Hera, Queen of the Gods, Athena, Goddess of War and Wisdom, and Aphrodite, Goddess of Love (like you didn't know that last one ~.^ ). The three appealed to Zeus, King of the Gods, who did send Hermes, the runty messenger with winged shoes and helm, to find a judge. They found Paris (or Alexander, whichever you prefer). The three Goddesses presented him with those options. He chose lust (and why not?). His wife, the nymph Oenone had a vision of his death if he pursued the most beautiful woman: Helen of Troy. Thus the Trojan War started! Mwahaha. And you can be sure Eris was laughing her head off in some enjoyable spot! Or maybe just swooped down on a few battlefields with her brother Ares in her chariot.
I didn't think they had apples originally in Japan, so I improvised. And as for not making Eris into a character, I didn't want to diss her Badness. Besides, I ran out of useable female characters (not a word about the two ninja twits or Tomoe). Hope you enjoyed it! If not, want to tell me about it? Too bad!