I take a sip of my beer while I watch Lola and Lizzy play in the pool at the Dupuis' Pittsburgh home. The September sun is hot as summer clings a little bit longer to the air. The girls are giggling and laughing as Kody, the Dupuis' son, does cannonballs into the pool and splashes water everywhere. It's wonderful to see Lizzy laughing and having fun. Not so long ago, she was either sullen or acting out after we both abruptly lost the most important person in our lives. The chasm that was left in our hearts when Cat died may not have been completely filled and healed but Lizzy and I got through the abrupt and stunning loss together. As I've learned to be a dad, a single dad, we've depended on each other and built a bond so close that it's like we've always me father and daughter.
"She looks happy" Carole-Lyn whispers to me and I know that she's talking about Lizzy not Lola.
"Yeah, about two months ago we started to turn the corner" I replied. "Being in Nova Scotia was the definitely the best thing for us. I missed training in LA but there were more important things to do this summer than train."
"Did that really come out of Sidney Crosby's mouth?" Duper says as he sits with us to watch the kids.
I can't help but laugh at him. "Yeah, that was me Dupe. I trained, of course, and Andy was great coming out east to me. They even moved two of the camps out there. I'm ready" I tell him and I don't know if I mean for the season or for the challenge of being a single dad. The summer was like a haven where I could focus completely on Lizzy and work my schedule around her needs. Now that we're back for the season, that isn't going to be possible and it's going to take adjustments from everyone.
"When do your parents get here?" Carole-Lyn asks.
"They arrive tomorrow. I had the contractors, decorators and movers working overtime for us to move into the house. They were able to make the changes so that mom and dad have their own suite and Lizzy has the perfect princess room. We're going to stay there tonight for the first time to be alone for one night before my folks come down" I tell her.
"It was the best solution Sid" Duper tells me.
"Yeah Sid" Carole-Lyn agrees. "It provides Lizzy the stability she needs. She'll have her grandparents in her life year round, in the season and the summer, and you won't have to worry about her as much. Well, you won't worry more than any other parent about their child."
I smile at her and then look back at the kids. Not for the first time I think about how lucky I am my mom and dad decided to move to Pittsburgh during the season to help me with Lizzy. With Taylor at Shattucks full time and nana passed, there was no reason they had to stay in Cole Harbour year round. Carole-Lyn is right about giving Lizzy stability. I didn't want a nanny for her and the psychologist agreed that family will be the best thing for her. For the briefest of moments, I considered quitting hockey to care for Lizzy or, at the least, taking a year off. The moment the thought passed through my head I knew that Cat would kick my ass if she were here. She would tell me that I need to be who I am. I was so lucky that Cat understood my life and never made me choose. In fact, when we broke up it wasn't because I played hockey and had other commitments. I didn't understand how my actions affected Lizzy and now I'm very careful what I promise. Lizzy knows that if I make a promise then I will always live up to it, always.
"Sid" Duper says and I realize I've been lost in my own thoughts and not paying attention.
"Sorry" I say and watch Pascal and Carole-Lyn exchange a worried glance.
I understand it. During the Boston series last season, I was often in my own world and easily distracted. I offered not to play in the series if the team thought that I would hurt them but everyone, to a man, said that they wanted me to do what I needed to do including not playing the series if that's what I decided. The series began only three days after Cat died. I played horribly and the team did too. It gave me some hard, guilty moments days after the series ended until Mario sat me down. He told me that I played like shit but so did the whole team, every single player, and I can't own the loss by myself.
"Guys" I begin. "I'm fine, really. I won't blow smoke and tell you I'm perfect and happy but I am fine."
I look at Lizzy when she yells "daddy! Watch me, watch me" and then she does a cannonball herself into the water after Kody.
"Great job princess" I yell after her. After looking at my watch, I say "we'll need to get going soon. Come out of the water please."
Lizzy pouts for a moment and I begin to worry until I see Lola pout too. I'm still learning what normal three year old behaviour is and what's acting out. Today, it's normal behaviour. Wow, soon I'm going to be saying four year old.
"Come on Lizzy, you need to get dried up" I tell her.
"Lola, Kody, you need to get out too" Duper tells his kids.
Carole-Lyn glances at the baby monitor and hears the other two waking from their nap. Just a year ago at this time I was sitting on a patio with the single guys on the team drinking beer and talking about the summer. I'm still drinking beer but everything else has changed.
"Are you sure that you don't want to stay for dinner?" Duper asks me.
"Thanks but I really want to have our first dinner in the new home just the two of us before my parents come tomorrow" I reply.
"Gamma and Gampa" Lizzy says as she runs up. She can say the 'r' in the words now but they are gamma and gampa to her and may always be.
"Yep, Gramma and Grampa are coming tomorrow."
I dry her off and then we go into the house to get changed. Helping her wash and dress has become second nature to me now. In fact, in the past month Lizzy has become much more independent and wants to dress and undress herself. It takes forever and tests my patience constantly but it's an important developmental step; or so the books say. I think that I've now read every book on child raising that has ever been written.
Once dressed, we say goodbye and head to our new home.
"Are you excited to see your new bedroom princess?"
"Yeppers" she says, her favourite word.
I glance in the rear view mirror to where Lizzy is sitting in her car seat. She seems happy to be going to the new house, our new home, rather than sad to leave the apartment. Maybe I'm being overly cautious about her emotions, fuck I probably am, and maybe I always will be.
I use the code at the gate and look at the mess in the front yard. I focused first on inside the house for finishing and then the back yard so that Lizzy has somewhere to play. The front yard is the last thing that they'll finish and it wasn't crucial to us moving in. Lizzy and I have been here every day for the week we've been back in Pittsburgh. I was checking on the progress and wanted it to start feeling familiar to her. It must be working because once she's free of the car seat, Lizzy scrambles up to the front door and waits for me.
"Do you want to see your new bedroom?" I ask her.
"Yeppers" she replies.
I make her wait and don't open the front door right away.
"Daddy, daddy, daddy. See room."
I still don't open the door.
She puts her hands on her hips, tilts her head and says "daaaaddddy."
In that one moment, she looks so much like Cat that it takes my breath away. It happens like that, periodically, and always takes me by surprise. I see Cat in our little girl in a movement, her smile or something she says. I always feel a tug of pain on my heart.
"Daddy!" she yells and pulls my hand so I unlock the door.
Lizzy starts to run through the front hall until I yell "shoes!" Lizzy comes back and takes her shoes off like it is the hardest thing that she's ever done in her entire life. It's quite comical.
When she's done, she runs down the hall and up the stairs. I follow her noticing that the decorators and movers have finished up the last things that I asked them to do.
"Wait for me before you go in" I tell her. I really want to see her face when she sees the room so I rush up the stairs because I don't think that she'll wait. She doesn't but I get there just as she's opening the door.
She stops at the entrance to the door, her mouth drops open and she stares at the room. This is what I was hoping for when I created this room with the decorators. I wanted a princess room for my princess. The bed has a contraption around it that is shaped like Cinderella's carriage. The room is all pink, white and baby blue. There is a mural of her favourite princess on one wall and a chandelier sparkling from the ceiling. In one corner is a dress up centre, who knew there was such a thing, with princess gowns on dress forms in her size. Beside that are a bookshelf and a plush carpet for her to lay and read them. There's also a plush comfy chair where we can read books together. Reading Lizzy a story before bed is the best time of the day for me.
After she's looked over the whole room, she runs to the bed and throws herself onto the pillows which pretty much swallow up my pint sized girl. When she rolls over and looks at me, there is a huge grin on her face.
"Do you like your room princess?"
Without answering me, she jumps off the bed and runs to the dress up area to examine all of the dresses, purses, shoes and whatever else the decorator purchased when she basically bought out the Disney catalogue. I guess her fun is my answer.
I'm nervous. There's no other way to describe it. Ok, I'm very nervous. This is the job that I've wanted since I basically tore every ligament in my knee that ended my hockey career. I'm also the only woman part of the team that isn't in communications. Being a sports psychologist, or a Mental Training Consultant as I'm officially being called, became the dream when I couldn't continue to play. I studied like I play; with a single minded purpose of achieving my goal and, in three years, I earned my post graduate degree. Usually someone with my lack of practical work experience wouldn't be hired by a professional sports team; but, given my athletic career at the highest level a woman can achieve, the Olympics, I have the experience to accompany my education.
So here I am at the Consol Energy Centre and working for the Pittsburgh Penguins. Mario Lemieux himself sought me out and interviewed me for the job. He wants to go a completely different way this year to support his players' mental health given the collapses of the last two years in the playoffs. I guess I'm about as different as you can get. Sure, most of the people in my position are women but none of them are actual past players which he hopes gives them an advantage. The last season was hardly usual as it was a half season due to the lock out. Marc-Andre Fleury had another complete melt down in the playoffs. Then in the last series with Boston they were swept. Of course the tragedy that happened to their captain left the team, the whole organization, reeling. No problem; I'll have them all sorted out in a couple of days.
If I wasn't surprised to be sought out by Mario then what he told me about the job would have; I'm traveling with the team. We're called 'consultants' purposefully because teams usually bring us in for specific reasons. We help plan for the year, consult with coaches if the team is having a slump or a specific player if they need assistance. That is not what Mario wants. I'm going to be a key member of the training staff. Mike Kadar works on their physical conditioning and I work on their mental conditioning is what Ray Shero told me. The incredible talent that was on the team at the end of year and still they didn't go to the Cup pointed to the executive that something else is needed and they've decided that I'm one of those 'something elses.'
I sit up in the stands and watch the first practice of training camp. It brings back a lot of memories. I remember my first camp for the University of Calgary. That's the only university I would even consider because it's where Hayley Wickenheiser played. She was and still is a hero of mine. Playing with her for National and World Cups and then in the 2010 Vancouver Olympics was incredible. Winning the gold medal in Vancouver will remain the best accomplishment of my career. My first Olympic camp was the worse. I puked until there was nothing left in my stomach before I took the ice. When Wicks actually said hello to me by name I thought that I would faint. She was the best female hockey player in the world and I was barely a rookie. I bet some of the AHL guys feel the same about Sid.
I'm brought back to the present when Mike Kadar, the Strength and Conditioning Coach, sits beside me.
"So Mackenzie, what do you think of the guys?" he asks me.
"I haven't actually met them yet Mike" I reply. "In my world, we need to actually talk to people to make an assessment" I tease him.
"Fair enough Mackenzie, fair enough."
"Call me Mac" I tell him.
"Ok Mac" he replies.
We both settle in and watch everyone set up for the next drill. The coaches have them doing line rushes.
"How did the guys do in their conditioning tests?" I ask him.
"A few pleasant surprises with some unexpected guys coming into camp in high conditioning. A few are going to have a rude awakening in the next few days on the ice."
"Yeah, I remember watching some of the new girls who were invited to national camps to see how they might do for a future team. The level of conditioning required was definitely a rude awakening."
"It's mostly the young guys. What are your plans for assessment?"
This is the question that makes me most uncomfortable because we're doing things differently than it's ever been done before and the guys aren't going to like it. Having played himself, I know that Mike probably won't be a fan of the assessment process either.
"Well" I begin. "I'm going to meet one on one with everyone initially. Essentially I just want to have a conversation to begin getting to know each other. Between being a woman and a psychologist, it's going to be very odd having me around all the time I'm sure."
"I like that idea" Mike says. I guess he notices that I'm surprised. "Mac, we've got something weird going on here to have this much talent and not be nearly at our potential. Sometimes it's leadership or chemistry or work ethic but that's not the case here. We have all of those things. Anyone who isn't willing to try anything and everything to win shouldn't and wouldn't be playing here. Let's try this."
"That's exactly it" I tell him. We go back to watching the players.
"What about Sid?" he asks.
I'm ready for this question having anticipated that someone at some point would ask me. "Mike, here's how your job differs from mine. I can't and won't talk about my assessment or work with any of the players. Often I'll meet with guys where and when no one will know about it. That's the only way it works."
"Yeah, I get it. Wish I had that a few times when I played."
We hear the whistles and watch everyone gather around Dan. He has a quiet, serious nature that draws all of the players' attention to him naturally. I notice Sidney Crosby kneeling in front of the coach with a few others. During camp they all wear warm up jerseys with their names and numbers on them because there are so many guys out there. He is a puzzle. There's the incredible strength he has to get through a tragedy that would make most people curl up in the fetal position for months and he went back to play two days later. He's been seeing a doctor with his daughter to help them heal and that's not my role here. I'm not a grief counselor anyway. I'm here to help the guys with the five c's: control, composure, concentration, commitment, confidence and consistency. We've made this part of the mantra this year for the team. It's beyond my capabilities, and job, to help Sid with his grief or his daughter although I've made sure that I have a few referrals to experts if he needs them. My job is to help him focus on his game.
Watching him stand and get in position for a half ice scrimmage reminds me of how much talent he has. He easily helps one of the young prospects with the last play just discussed. He's a natural leader on the ice and in the locker room. Like most leaders, he is vocal about the game through giving advice and direction. Off the ice, he's more introspective and less vocal. They almost have less confidence off the ice than they do on it which makes sense. With captains, it's often helping them manage different personas and what's required of them. Of course then there's Malkin, Neal, Letang, Sutter, Dupuis, Kunitz, the list of talent goes on and on; each very different and with very different coping methods for the mental side of the game. I can't do anything more until I meet with them so I sit back and simply admire elite athletes watching Sid deke a young goalie and flip the puck into the back of net.