Let's pretend yesterday was January 31 and today is the first of February. *Clears voice* Happy Birthday YamiYugiPuzzleshipper! Because today is totally February the first, ok? I hope you like this story ^^
Anyways: puzzleshipping, angst, fluff, cute dorks fighting and my usual oneshots. Also third person narration (quite unusual in my stories). One huge thank you to LilRachity for helping me with the edit: thank you girl,
Enjoy!
o-o-o
The slam of the front door finally made Yami wince. His red eyes had found ease in the welcoming embrace of Morpheus only a few minutes before. But the man wasn't going to complain for the harsh wake-up. He had been waiting for it for hours.
Sitting up straight on the old felt couch, Yami fought a yawn and focused on the world beyond his eyelids. The first thing he did, once sure he was wide awake, was cast a glance to the clock.
4.55 am
He instinctively turned to the window. He just needed to wait a little longer and then he would see the sun popping out from behind the skyscrapers' pointy roofs. Only half an hour and the blackness of night would be colored in pink…
Steps echoed on the entrance's pavement. Heavy, tired steps, yet hasty: the other man didn't even bother anymore to hide the appalling hour that he returned home every night. Or rather, day. He wasn't even afraid anymore that he could wake up his roommate. Yami didn't know if that was due to the other's tiredness that prevented him from using some manners, or to his genuine lack of care. But the red-eyed man felt the anger building up inside him at each echoing step, each noise, each sound; even of the quickly removed coat or of the opened and violently-closed wardrobe. The anger grew stronger, as well as the lump in Yami's throat, which became heavier and heavier with each passing night, to the point that the man could honestly think he would burst into tears.
Pathetic.
The living room's door cracked open and Yugi made his way through the room, legs tired, hair in a tangled mess and a pair of visibly noticeable dark circles framing his beautiful violet eyes, dull from the lack of sleep and maybe from an extra drink. Yami found himself painfully glaring at him.
"Good evening," Yugi greeted him with a yawn.
"Good morning would suite best…" Yami pointed out sharply. Yugi absently nodded.
"Where have you been?" Yami asked with all the self-control he was capable of. 'How are you?' would have been a more appreciated question for Yugi's ears. The younger shrugged. He turned to make his way to his room, ignoring the other man's question.
"Answer, at least." Yami's voice had grown harsher, his hand had grabbed the armrest of the couch and was squeezing it strongly, his red eyes had not even once left Yugi's frame.
"Out…"
"That much I know. I've asked you where," the young man insisted, rising from the couch. Yugi huffed lifting his eyes to the ceiling. Why did they have to go through this talk every night?
"It is none of your business," he mumbled.
"The hell if it's not. I don't know if you noticed since apparently you're always hanging out but I live here," he retorted, dramatically pointing at the house around them with his hands. They were roommates, which was normal for students. Only a handful could afford a rent by themselves and thus the two of them had dealt with sharing a roof and expenses. Just like almost all other roommates, the guys had never even met before living together, not so long ago actually, maybe around a year or so…
"Okay, listen. What's the issue? Why can't I hang out?" Yugi asked out of slight frustration, his hand holding the doorknob in a tight grip.
"I didn't say that, I just want to know the where." He wasn't going to let Yugi get out with this again. It was the same old story every single night: two, three, four o'clock… almost five today. And always AM. Where did Yugi go at night? With who? And most of all why? Yami had now reached the point when he knew he couldn't go on like this any longer if Yugi didn't reveal something to him. Couldn't he understand that the older was genuinely concerned?
"And once you know, what are you gonna do?" Yugi was mocking him, it was evident. Maybe Yami had let his 'worrisome mother' side, as Yugi called it, come out too quickly and too harshly. But it was so damn late – how could you expect him to think coherently at this time of night? Yugi on the other hand was only sleepy in his looks: he was lucid and sharp as always, ready to give those biting, deviating answers that Yami had never been able to stand.
"Are you going to ground me?" Yugi went on. Seriously, he couldn't pinpoint the reason of all that concern. All students hang out, he wasn't doing anything wrong after all – he didn't bring knocked out or crazy people in, he didn't have orgies, he wasn't loud when Yami studied. Why was he complaining? Yugi's words didn't make Yami step back though, and the red-eyed man crossed his arms over his chest, leaning against the wall.
"Do you have something to hide?" Touché. The words looked like they had hit their mark because Yami's roommate loosened his hold on the doorknob until he let it go. His violet irises grew bigger, and then they turned to slits.
"Even so, I have no need to tell you," he answered turning his face to Yami. "You can't control me. You are not my mother, not my father, you are no one," he hissed. He was no one… those words hit Yami deeper than Yugi could expect them to, making the man face the real reason he acted so insistently. But just like every time Yami was hurt, his pain turned into fits of rage.
"I'm living with you, I have the right to have my say!" he spat. But he knew that justification wasn't enough.
"But not when it comes to my life! Or do you think I went to the post office to pay the utility bills at four in the morning and didn't ask you to come over? Oh, I'm so sorry Yami, we had such great time. Next time I'll make sure to bring you as well."
We? "Stop mocking me!" He had to keep his temper at hold; he could feel his emotions pushing inside of him, about to burst out. It was never a good sign.
"And you stop keeping me on a leash! It's always 'Yugi where are you,' 'Yugi when will you be back,'" he teased. "I'm a grown adult, I can take care of myself." There was a small amount of people who were able to make him lose his temper, but of that amount, Yami was the only one that could drive Yugi completely mad. He always managed to press the right buttons; he knew them all somehow, and Yami had something about him that Yugi just couldn't understand, as much as he tried. And that was tremendously irritating.
"Then why won't you just tell me where you have been tonight? Are you afraid I'll go after you, stalk you, or slash your car's tires to stop you from hanging out again? Because I know you'll hang out again tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after again…" Yami counted on his fingers matter-of-factly.
Yes, yes he did. Yugi was afraid that Yami would go after him and do all the things he had just listed. But the older man wasn't a psycho: Yugi didn't fear him, not the guy he had shared a roof with for one year. "Stop keeping me on a leash, I said." Yugi was seriously struggling not to let his anger take control of him. It was late, he was tired, and he had not the strength nor the will to start a fight. He breathed a heavy sigh, running a hand over his face. "Shouldn't you be sleeping?"
"You should too," Yami retorted.
"Okay, listen, I'll tell you so we can get over with it. I am a vampire. I fly into people's rooms at night, I suck blood, kill ladies, and I hate the daylight. That's where I've been. Happy now?" Yami wasn't laughing, his expression was unreadable. Maybe he was hurt, maybe just mad. It looked like all he wanted was just to keep arguing. It was five in the morning and he wanted to frame Yugi with his where-have-you-been's and guilty feelings.
"It's not funny," he muttered staring at Yugi straight in the eyes. A wave of emotions hit the violet-eyed young man. Guilt, tiredness, betrayal, anger, frustration…
"Then, I apologize. I couldn't think of anything better at the time being…" he breathed, his eyes lowered to the floor. Maybe Yami wasn't completely wrong; it was the man's way to show that he cared. If Yugi had been in the other's shoes, he probably would have acted the same way…
"Listen, I am sorry, Yami. I'm sorry for keeping you up all night. I didn't mean to worry you, but I am fine, really. The evening's been alright. You shouldn't worry so much," he said out of exasperation, as if finally surrendering.
But unlike Yugi, Yami wasn't. "Then, just tell me where you have been."
It was probably true. Yugi was fine, he didn't do anything wrong or meet with wrong types of people at night. He knew how to look out for himself after all. Then, why not tell Yami what was going on? Just one simple answer and Yami would let him be... Wouldn't he? No. He would not, and Yugi must know by now. The questions were just a pretext. Yami would begin seeking for deeper information, begin to talk with other people, ask other questions, and maybe even pressure Yugi until he would allow Yami to come with him. Yami was that kind of man, and Yugi was just trying to protect that little privacy that he still had left, that Yami and his personality had not invaded yet.
"Why?" Yugi asked harshly.
"And why won't you tell me?" There it was. Anger striking back again, along with impatience and… jealousy?
"Let me be!" Yugi almost shouted, finally lowering the handle and stepping into his room, but Yami quickly followed him inside. A couple of steps and he was in Yugi's bedroom, closing the door behind them.
"What are you doing here? Get out now!" Yami was acting stranger and stranger that night; he had never dared to follow Yugi inside his own room.
"This house is mine too," Yami answered.
"But this is my room and I'm telling you to get out!" Finally Yugi shouted, pointing at the door with his index finger.
"And I'm telling you to answer my question!"
"No!"
"Yes!" They were literally shouting now, fighting just like two stubborn little children. Neither of them was moving a mere inch from their position. Neither of them was going to surrender, as stupid and purely prideful as their motivations were.
"What do you want from me! Let me be!"
"Stop shouting! You'll wake everybody up!"
"But you are shouting too!"
"Yes, I know!"
"Get out! Out of this room!"
"Listen to me first!"
"No, I've had enough!"
"I told you to listen!"
"GET OUT!"
"Christ, Yugi. I LOVE YOU, DON'T YOU GET IT?"
Yugi's mouth opened to retort with some witty comment once again, but no sound escaped his lips, as much as the young man tried to move them. He was completely taken aback. Silence filled the room and the two young men found themselves staring into each other's eyes for interminable seconds, suspended between anger and stupor. Eventually Yami turned his head. He grabbed the door's handle and stormed out of the room quickly, to his own room. He had no idea how those words had managed to escape his lips, he just knew that they were true. And that was the worst part, because it meant that he could not take them back or apologize for them as he would have done for anything else.
Why didn't he just say something like 'I care for you' or 'I don't want something bad to happen to you?' Because it would have been embarrassing. Yugi would have answered that Yami didn't need to worry. Yami would have answered that he couldn't help it and eventually he would have explained the reason why he cared so much for Yugi, inevitably revealing to the young man how he felt about him. It surely would have been embarrassing. But now it was better, wasn't it? Yeah, shouting in Yugi's face that Yami loved him, without apparent reason, was definitely better.
Why didn't he go to sleep that night? What was the point in waiting for Yugi just to assault him as soon as stepped in the house? Maybe Yami hoped that his friend would greet him with a 'Hey, thank you for caring. I'm really touched by your concern.' The phrase could easily belong to Yugi, but it was completely out of place. Only someone insane, or a parent, could afford to be so insistent. Thus, Yami had no right to be; he wasn't Yugi's father nor was he a psycho. Or at least, he hoped so. Yugi was right. And he was wrong.
Yami shut the door behind his back, twisting the key in the lock twice. He knew it was childish but he felt the need to put as much distance as possible between him and Yugi, to preserve that sparkle of pride that maybe he had still left. He sank to the ground, his back against the door. He let himself fall until his hands met the pavement and he remained there, on the floor, with his head bent and pressed against the cold wood. Yami closed his eyes and ran a hand over his face. Just what kind of mess did he get himself into?
Yami's sudden storming out did not affect Yugi the way the young man had hoped. Instead of feeling relief, Yugi was wrenched by guilt. He had never wanted to come to the point of fighting with Yami, shouting at him and losing his patience, but Yami had forced him to. Each time Yugi had tried to abandon the argument, Yami had attacked again, with an insistence and arrogance that Yugi had never seen in the man before. Could it be that all the nights Yugi had spent out had pushed Yami further and further till he had reached his breaking point? How long had Yami felt that way? How long since he had wanted to question Yugi about his actions but instead restrained himself because he didn't want his roommate to think that Yami was persecuting him? Maybe a very long time. Yet, Yami had never held back when it came to say his targeted, subtle, words about how Yugi kept many things hidden from the red-eyed man. But that night, Yami had decided not to accept Yugi's silence again, and the argument had burst out.
Yami and his delusions of control. Yugi did not like it. He never had. Yami must always control everything, be the boss of everything, be the good guy…
Yugi had thrown himself on his bed, sighing heavily.
Well, at least he now knew the reason for Yami's behavior. Up to a certain point, the younger man felt relieved; Yami's acting out was not because the man was a psycho or a stalker. He was just genuinely worried. And probably very, very jealous. Here we go – the lump in his throat to point out that his guilt was getting worse. Why on earth didn't Yami tell him before? Yugi held back a bitter laugh. The real question was why Yami didn'tkeep hiding the truth from Yugi. Things like that are not easily uncovered and Yami was proud; he would never have revealed anything if he was not one hundred percent sure that Yugi returned his feelings. He wasn't the type to accept refusals and what had just happened did nothing but prove that point. Rather than accepting Yugi's refusal to tell Yami where he had been the night, they had ended up fighting. And Yami had ended up shouting those words in Yugi's face.
Idiot. Yes, Yami was good at hiding his emotions, but how could Yugi not suspect or not think about a thing like that? It was the perfect explanation for his friend's weird behavior, yet, that explanation had seemed so unlikely in Yugi's eyes that he had not thought about it for even a second. His friends did though. Jono had made jokes about Yami liking Yugi at least twice, chuckling while saying that if Yami was so worried about his younger roommate, then it meant the red-eyed guy was jealous. And Anzu… Anzu had told Yugi the same thing almost every night. He remembered her words perfectly: "You shouldn't make him mad. After all, he cares for you… more than you think."
Make him mad. Yes because when he came to think about that, it all had been a challenge; a provocation against Yami just to see how far Yugi could push him and how strong the young man's defenses were. And now that Yugi had touched them and discovered what they were really made of, it was as if a void had opened inside of him. Yugi had been so stupid, so childish, and he had ignored something so important – hurting one of the people that he held dearest. Because, paranoid attitudes aside, Yami was a great friend, one of those that didn't leave you behind at the first sign of trouble. And not even at the second, or the third or the twentieth sign. He was always there anytime Yugi needed him. And the young man was beginning to wonder how long his roommate felt that way toward him. If he had always liked him, how had he been able to hide his feelings so well…
Did he fear that Yugi would shove him away? That Yugi would never speak to him again? That he would leave Yami behind? Was the other man really that dense? But Yugi wasn't even angry, not anymore. His emotions from the earlier outburst had faded away and now he was trying to think with a clear mind. There was only one thing that he could do, must do. His friend deserved it, even though the way he had asked had not been the best.
Steps echoed through the hallway. The late hour made them heavy and tired but they still trembled from a mess of different emotions, swirling in Yugi's limbs. The steps stopped exactly where Yami had wished they wouldn't. No faint knock on the wooden door, no hello's; the red-eyed man heard the firm, still-kind voice of Yugi calling him from outside Yami's bedroom.
"Yami, unlock the door." He knew it was locked; when it came to being childish there were only a few people who could beat his friend.
Yami closed his eyes. Just how much humiliation did he still have to endure before the sunrise? To think that it he had been the one to start it all…
The long, silent seconds that followed his words did not discourage Yugi. He simply leaned against the door.
"Yami, please," he murmured. To put himself in other people's shoes, especially those of his friends, was one of Yugi's talents. He always knew how to sympathize, to find the right words, and to cheer people up. But with Yami it was different. The walls that the young man raised around himself were so thick that simply imagining what he was thinking about was a challenge. And it made everything so damn hard.
Silence again.
"Do you want me to start sending you notes underneath the door to try and communicate with you?" Yugi smiled softly.
Another minute of silence, then the other man's voice finally reached Yugi's ears. It was faint but Yugi was distinctly aware of the small smile that must have graced Yami's lips.
"… You really would?"
"Had I to hire an interpreter to decipher your writing." The younger man's voice was still quiet, but the sparkle of relief was clear.
A muffled chuckle, then a second reply.
"Then, I may as well stay here. Send me food through the window. I'll be Emily Bronte."
Yugi chuckled. "You're such a nerd…" He shook his head. "Can I come in?" he asked quietly.
Yugi couldn't see Yami's short nod, of course, but the young man could hear the muffled sound of his red-eyed roommate when he pushed himself off the ground and then turned and reached for the lock. He heard the double click of the key and the click of the lowering handle. Yami's face peeked from the doorway, half-hidden in the darkness that still covered the room. His eyes, though, were focused on the floor, despite the young man's straight posture. After some seconds of silence, Yugi stepped a few inches forward. Yami slowly stepped back. The younger interpreted that as an invitation to enter and after a few more quick steps he was in the room. His back towards Yami, who was closing the door, and his eyes lost in space. The air was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
"Sorry…"
Yugi turned to face Yami and met his scarlet irises for a brief moment, just before they focused on the wall behind Yugi's back. The lump in his throat was getting worse and worse. Yami went on speaking. "I didn't mean to yell at you. I didn't mean to say such things. You are right; I am no one. I don't know what got into me, I'm sorry…" but it was just like Yugi had not listened to the second part of Yami's apologies at all.
"What such things?" he asked. Yami debated whether to shut up again or answer. He decided for the second option, purposely omitting one thing.
"I was insistent. I asked you, actually I demanded, to tell me where had you been…" Once again, Yugi seemed not to listen to his friend's words.
"What such things? Like… that you love me?" Yami froze. His frame went still, hands cluttered at his sides, veins pulsing beneath his skin. Yugi had confirmed his idea that those words were never supposed to leave Yami's mouth. Yami's eyes finally detached from the wall and went searching for Yugi's, in the dark, meeting them and not leaving them for several long seconds. The younger could easily read his answer in those red pools. Yes, 'I love you' was the first sentence in the list of 'things I should never ever tell Yugi.' That blood red carried the weight of sincere apologies, helplessness, and hurt. The first rays of light filtered through the shutters. God, now it wasn't late anymore, it was early.
What should he say at this point? Was there anything at all Yugi could say, anything that wouldn't end up hurting Yami or make Yugi seem like a fool? Or was it already too late for that? Served him right for being as insistent as Yami…
"I have been at Anzu's place…"
"I don't care…" Yami's voice was emotionless. That 'I don't care' wasn't harsh, or disrespectful. Not even jealous. Simply sincere. He really did not care; not anymore. Or maybe, he had never really cared. Was that his way to apologize and tell Yugi that he didn't have to say where he spent his nights? It was like their fight had emptied Yami of any emotion. Yugi had felt that way too, but he had gone past the emotionless state, almost. Yami was different. In a guilt competition, the two of them would certainly contend with each other the first prize.
"I have been there every night…" Now the words flew out of his mouth spontaneously. Mechanically, unconsciously. Like in a dream.
Just… how much exactly did Yugi want to hurt him that night? Or morning, as much as he cared… Well, he had always suspected his roommate to have a crush on his childhood friend. She was a nice young woman. Kind and funny. Her hair long and dark as chestnuts, her eyes of a shining blue shade. Undeniably beautiful. Besides, what right did Yami have to be jealous? That 'I love you' was supposed to remain a secret, so it was just like Yami's feelings did not exist. He just needed to tell himself that over and over, until he would end up believing it. He could do that. He forced a half smile.
"I'm happy for you." And maybe he wasn't lying. They would make a nice couple, Yugi and Anzu.
But Yugi shook his head in disappointment. He tilted his head to the left and stared at Yami with his deep blackberry eyes, as if he was decoding his very soul.
"You give up already?" What was that tone? Bitterness… scold? Why? What did Yugi mean with giving up? There was nothing Yami was giving up; he had yet to start fighting! But that was just the point – he couldn't, mustn't, start to fight. And that was way more difficult than Yugi was insinuating. Yami's red eyes turned to slits. Was the younger man mocking him?
"What do you mean?" It hadn't been his intention for his voice to come out so harsh and low, but he couldn't keep his thoughts from leaving his mouth.
"You didn't even ask me what Anzu and I have been up to at night." Yes, Yugi was definitely making fun of him. What? Wasn't he satisfied with their fight from before?
"I believe I have enough imagination to understand exactly what the two of you are up to at night, thank you very much," he hissed. The image of Anzu and his Yugi close, one on top the other, in a bed, cruelly flashed before his eyes. In a moment it was already gone but that short time had been enough to make Yami sick. But he shouldn't be; if that was what Yugi wanted, then it was Yami's duty was to support him. But Yugi could at least try to use a little more tactfulness.
A faint reddish shade appeared on Yugi's cheeks, but the poor illumination of the room masked it completely.
"The hell…?!" he muttered. Had Yami just thought that he and Anzu…? "Wow, such great imagination, I can see how that would be enough!" Yugi retorted "We are not a couple, you genius!" He was doing it again. He was trying to have a fight. Purposely. To wake Yami from that apathetic state of his. Yugi wanted a reaction, anything.
Yami's eyes, which had previously been closed to slits, opened slightly. He hated to be wrong but, dammit, he certainly wasn't going to complain at this point. The young man's heart was pounding violently beneath his ribcage and Yami felt stupid. It was not like Yugi had confessed his undying love for him, he had only said that he and Anzu were not a couple. Everything was the way it was before their fight. But that 'before' that Yami had believed he hated probably wasn't that bad if the mere idea of losing it sounded so horrible…and if the feeling of having it back was so wonderful.
And Yami felt stupid when a sincere, wide smile that he wasn't able to hide twitched at the sides of his lips. And he felt stupid again when he asked, his voice almost trembling, "For real?"
Anzu was right. She had been right all along. And sometimes Yugi wondered why he should be so terribly stubborn to not listen to her and believe the evidence. She was right – Yami cared, Yami loved him. And she was right about another point too – Yugi cared as well. Because Yugi was so happy to see that smile on Yami's face. A smile only for Yugi. Caused by Yugi and given to Yugi. And he suddenly felt glad, and warm, just as if he were held in a hug. The feelings from their fight abandoned Yugi at last. Did he really mean so much to Yami?
Yugi returned the smile, not able to formulate any witty retort. He nodded instead.
"For real."
Yami seemed to wake up from the numbness Yugi's words had brought to him. He tilted his head to left, curiosity gleaming in his red irises.
"Then what were the two of you doing all that time?"
Yugi looked almost embarrassed by the question, something that had Yami alarmed again. The younger had expected something between those lines and yet, the answer was difficult for Yugi to formulate because it was new for the both of them. Yet, he didn't dislike it anymore.
"Talking…" The boy stepped closer to the bed and let himself drop onto it, bouncing a little against the elastic and soft surface. "And sleeping. Or rather, we fell fast asleep on the sofa. Putting up all those all-nighters was hard…" Yugi added with a soft chuckle, a hand behind his neck to play with his hair.
Yami knew there was more than that. That explanation wasn't even remotely satisfactory, but he didn't want to insist again. He came towards Yugi and sat on the bed next to him, his hands on his knees, patiently waiting for his roommate to go on. Yugi silently appreciated that.
"As you know, Anzu and I have known each other forever. She's like a sister for me… and when I need some advice I know I can always count on her." He paused.
"You can always count on me, too…" Yami mumbled. It was hard to tell if the young man was moved by jealousy this time because Yugi had preferred Anzu over him, but he was sincere. And maybe hurt, too, because this time he had not been able to help Yugi with whatever problem the younger man had. But Yugi smiled and put his hand on Yami's shoulder out of trust.
"I know. And I thank you for that. But you couldn't help me this time…" He stopped talking again, his hand moved from Yami's shoulder to the blanket beneath them. Yugi had yet to decide how much of the truth and how many details he wanted to reveal to Yami. He had no intention of telling him all of the problems he had faced because of his sexuality throughout the last year. To tell him he had started to question himself, to notice that the last year was just the time he had met Yami- a coincidence that sometimes scared him. And he had no intention of telling Yami about his arguments and fights with Anzu – the only person he had confided to. All the times she had shoved the facts in his face, sick of Yugi's continuous denials, all the times he had still denied and denied again. Now it was all in the past, all what was left was just one last step and even if Yugi had not imagined himself telling Yami the truth that very night, delaying any further would be of no use anyway.
So, Yugi decided to put aside the refined speech he imagined he would give. He turned to face Yami's scarlet eyes, letting his instinct guide his words from that point on.
"Do you like me?"
Yami's cheeks colored a faint red shade; Yugi would never have noticed if they hadn't been so close. Still he liked that – then Yami was human. The older nodded with a smile. He had already been found out; he was not going to play dumb.
"I would think so," he answered.
Yes, he had not expected any other answer from Yami. Then why did he ask in the first place? Maybe Yugi just liked to hear the sound of those words… and as soon as he had admitted it, Yugi felt like a piece of a puzzle he didn't even know he was assembling had found its place inside himself – the final picture becoming clearer and clearer.
"And you love me…" It was more of a statement than a question. Even the sensation of those words on Yugi's lips was pleasant. Almost as much as listening to them.
"Yes." As I have already said. I don't change my mind so quickly. But Yami didn't say it. He was just curious to know where Yugi was going with that talk; he didn't dare imagine.
"I'm sorry…" There it was. Those were the words Yami had feared. He was prepared for a rejection, but he couldn't help his gaze from sinking softly and a bitter smile from appearing on his lips. It was obvious that Yugi could not return his feelings because there was one decisive factor needed for their eventual relationship to work, and the fact that Yugi swung the wrong way eliminated that factor categorically.
"I'm sorry for treating you that way…" Yugi ended his sentence. And not for not returning – wait, don't fly too high with the expectations…
"You don't have to apologize, it was my fault. I shouldn't have told you anything. Let's forget this night has ever happened and – "
"No!" Yugi's blackberry eyes stared into Yami's; the younger shook his head softly. "It's my fault. I have been the idiot this whole time. I have been the one who couldn't notice that you…"
"You weren't supposed to notice…"
"Who couldn't notice that I, as well…"
What? Now Yami could clearly hear the thumps of his own heart bumping beneath his ribcage like a wild echo. Shut up! Still, his body refused to listen to his orders: why did the tips of his fingers start to tickle? What if there was another disappointment awaiting for him? If he gave in to expectations and false hopes, his fall would only be worse. Then, why couldn't he calm down?
"I should have told you sooner, but I am a coward when it comes to personal stuff, you know that." Yami smiled. Yes, he knew that. Yugi went on. "This was what I've been talking about with Anzu every night. Eventually, I had reached the point where I felt the need to be away from you, like I had to defend myself because it was all your fault if I felt so… weird… different." Yugi hoped with all his heart that Yami wouldn't be hurt by his words, if he wasn't already by his previous actions. He felt terribly sorry and sick with himself for what he had done. But… that was the only thing he had been able to think of, at the time. "She knew already, you know? It's been more than a month since the first time she told me that you were in love with me."
Yami's eyes were the size of teacups and Yugi muffled a soft laugh. "I kept so many things from you. I wanted to know if you were genuine, if even after everything I was putting you through you would still care, still… love me." And Yami did. Yugi paused. But a simple answer wasn't enough of an excuse to treat his best friend that way. To use him. "I apologize. I've been a complete jerk towards you. I am sorry."
"Part of the fault is mine, too. If I had told you sooner, or I had been less insistent, maybe you wouldn't have reached that point…" Yami mumbled. No. Yugi didn't think he deserved Yami. He had hurt, stepped onto and trashed Yami's feelings in so many different ways that the mere thought made him sick. And what for? To demonstrate to his stubborn self that Yami meant nothing to him? Or rather, that Yami meant so, so much and that he hoped that after all the ordeal, Yami would still refuse to let him go?
This time it was Yami who broke the silence. Events had taken an unexpected twist, and he understood the mayhem of emotions and thoughts fighting one another in Yugi's head at that very moment. Guilt was eating at the young man and Yugi's eyes were as clear and readable as a book's pages. How could the violet-eyed man not understand that Yami just didn't care – the past is history, who gave a damn about what Yugi had done? There was only one thing that mattered now, and it was blinking in Yami's mind like the neon sign of a suburban pizzeria. He had a chance. Yami smiled, head turned to Yugi. The boy still had his own hung low, lost in his own thoughts.
"Yugi," he called and waited for the young man to meet his red eyes before he asked his question almost wittily.
"Do you like me?"
His violet-eyed roommate gulped. He had rehearsed this moment so many times in his head. He felt mentally prepared, but from a psychological point of view, he was completely lost. Words seemed to take ages before painfully rolling off his tongue.
"I think… I think so. I do." He nodded and it was as if a burden had been lifted from his heart – another piece, many, loads of pieces, of the puzzle clicking together all at once. The image was even clearer now. Yami pondered whether or not to ask his second question. Maybe he was rushing things too much, led by his own euphoria and from the complete lack of logic and rationality, united with a tremendous and inexplicable adrenaline that only all-nighters can give.
He reached for Yugi's hand, only brushing it, almost afraid to touch it, as if all the times he and Yugi had touched or even punched each other in the last year had never existed and he was touching Yugi for the very first time.
Yugi's fingers raised a small bit, gently trapping Yami's and entwining their fingers together, both men's eyes staring at their hands.
"And… do you love me?" Yes, he was definitely rushing things, but impatience had once more won over his discretion; at six in the morning Yami thought he might as well indulge himself with some rashness, even though his fear of Yugi's answer was long from vanishing. Yugi seemed lost in his thoughts, he glazed at their fingers, brushed Yami's palm with his thumb. He was silent.
"I – I'm not sure…" was the best he managed to say. He had asked himself something similar only a few times, always stopping when he admitted that 'he cared' and never going deeper. Still, he couldn't fathom why Yami was smiling at him – didn't Yugi just hurt the other man? Clearly, the younger man didn't understand that a 'maybe' is much closer to a 'yes' than a 'no.' Yami's smile turned into a smirk.
"May I try?" He murmured.
"Try what?" What was he going to do? Now Yugi's heart was bumping loudly as well and he had failed to notice yet because he had been so focused on his guilt. Yami was coming closer. He brought their laced hands in front of his chest and softly squeezed Yugi's hand with his other, stroking it with his thumb just like Yugi had done before, wine-red eyes piercing at violet irises.
"Try… if you like me…" At least. That would be more than enough for now.
"Is it something I might repent later?" Yugi joked with a nervous chuckle. Yami laughed back softly.
"No, I don't think so." I hope you won't, he wished he could say. But he didn't want to doubt too. Yugi nodded slowly.
"Alright then."
This too had probably been a stupid idea, but Yugi complied didn't he? Besides, this could be Yami's only chance: he didn't know how ready Yugi could be to start a relationship, or how willing, everything was moving too fast. Even though Yugi had told him he had been thinking about the two of them for months and… Maybe Yami should let his regrets and worries go for now.
Slowly, almost as if he was afraid to step too deep into Yugi's personal space, Yami came closer to the younger man's frame, careful not to miss any signal; if Yugi would step back or suddenly change his mind, then Yami too would do the same and step back without a single thought.
They stayed still for a few seconds, so close Yami could feel Yugi's breath on his skin and his heart thumping loudly, just like the elder's. Yami reached his hand to brush Yugi's face, gently caressing his cheekbone, his cheek, running over the pale surface with his thumb, and eventually holding the young man's chin between his fingers, in a grip bereft of strength, slowly lifting it up. Yugi's sky violet eyes were closing, Yami's irises did the same and they turned to slits, while his lips were slowly filling the distance from Yugi's.
The moment they touched both of them had already closed their eyes. There was no force in the kiss, no rush or no pressure, it was a simple touch; very gentle, almost shy. And definitely weird. Still, the idea of him kissing another man didn't brush Yugi's mind at all. It felt like he had always been waiting for this to happen and there was nothing wrong about it; he wasn't kissing another man, he was kissing Yami. And that was the only thing he was able to think about. And his fingers tingled, his heart bumped, his stomach felt like it was twisting up and down in his belly and he felt warmth, warmth everywhere. Just like before, like in a hug. And the last pieces of the puzzle began to run to their places, to fill all the gaps.
Yugi's lips were soft, wet from the long talk, chapped from the cold of those February days, and so sweet to touch, even just brush, like he was doing now. Yami didn't dare push any further. Maybe he was already forcing Yugi, but he had wished for this contact for almost a year and now he was finally tasting it; something he would never have imagined. Unexpectedly, Yami felt a pressure around his neck, a hand was pulling him harder on those lips, still gently, but driven by some need. Yugi tilted his head to the left, just a bit, to let Yami's mouth more easily access his own.
It didn't take a genius to understand that Yugi didn't mind what was going on at all. Yugi was well aware of that, and now that he had felt the sensation of Yami's lips against his own he wanted to feel that pressure a little bit more, a little longer, a little closer. He hadn't decided yet how to answer the other man's question, but he had a feeling that, at this rate, his 'maybe' had a great chance at becoming a plain 'yes'.
Smiling, Yugi reluctantly parted from Yami's lips, just in time to catch his breath and look his roommate in the eye, as if he was seeing him for the very first time; the person who had lived with him for over a year, the person who couldn't even cook a fried egg, who could study a whole book in one day but that same night was ready to challenge Yugi to a Mario Kart marathon. The person he had blamed for all the crises he had gone through in the last few months, the one he had hated, without succeeding, and that he had just kissed. For the first time. Yugi reached for Yami's cheek and with his fingers moved a lock of blond, tangled hair away from Yami's eyes. He had never realized how beautiful those eyes were; they almost glowed, even if Yami was tired and sleepy. And they were glowing for Yugi. Slowly, Yugi placed a second kiss on Yami's mouth. That could become an addiction, it was so soft. But a pleasant addiction, that was for sure.
Yami smiled, with his grin that tasted of mischievousness that Yugi usually found annoying and mocking; and now the only adjective he was able to think about was 'adorable.' Then Yami put a hand over his mouth and tried to muffle a yawn, which wasn't easy since they were so close. Yugi chuckled.
"You already tired of me?" he whispered.
"Don't joke about that," Yami replied, softly hitting Yugi in the head.
"You are breaking my heart…"
"There should be some tape in the kitchen, if you want to glue it back together…" Yami shrugged and the other man arched an eyebrow.
"What the hell is the tape doing in the kitchen?"
"No idea." He yawned again. "Maybe you sleepwalked and brought it there."
"I am not a sleepwalker!" Yugi retorted.
"How can I trust you?"
Yugi lay down on the bed, head sinking in the fabric. He hadn't realized how tired he was, and the mattress was so soft he wouldn't have left it for anything in the world, not before he had slept for a decade at least. He closed his eyes and curled up around the pillow. "You should check on me in my sleep…" he mumbled. Yami held back another yawn and lowered himself on the bed too, next to Yugi.
"You know, that's actually a good idea," he muttered. "Gimme some space," he chuckled. Yugi opened his eyes, chuckling as well, and firmly shook his head. "In your dreams." Yami came a little closer, some part of him still afraid to invade Yugi's boundaries or force him any further, but the other part of him was going to play the younger's game and win. He tightened an arm around the young man's waist and pulled him closer. Now Yami's bed was large enough for both of them. "Your loss," he replied.
Loss? Yami's arm around his waist and Yami's face so close to his own were all but a loss in Yugi's eyes. He couldn't even think how sappy that must sound; he just closed his eyes, relaxing in the embrace.
"Goodnight," he whispered.
"Or good morning…" was the answer, but Yugi had already slipped away from Yami's into Morpheus' embrace. And now, he knew perfectly which was the cozier one.
Despite the shutters pulled down and the wintery season, light was vehemently entering through the slits of the windows, white and bright, just like at midday, and it hit his eyes making his eyelashes flutter. Most likely, midday was the exact time. How could he have slept in so much was the first question that surfaced in Yami's mind, but his good memory didn't only serve him for academic purposes; he remembered last night clearly, remembered who he was holding tight, that same person that apparently was still asleep with his head leant on Yami's arm. Even with his eyes closed, Yami could feel Yugi's weight on himself, but it was not something he was going to complain about. Still sleepy, he opened his eyes a small bit, just enough to gaze around the faintly lit room, searching for the electric green of his alarm clock's display.
10.12
He was wrong, it wasn't midday. Deep red irises shifted their attention from the clock back to the young man who laid beside him. He smiled softly. He could give himself some more time.
Yami wasn't the only one who had woken up. A second pair of eyes opened to slits, lazily, but they were violet, the same deep color of blackberries.
Then, it had all been real…everything that had happened a few hours prior; the shouting, the fight, the awareness, the apologies, Yami…
Yami was real, there, next to Yugi. And the older man was so comfortable. If it weren't for the sleep that was still running through his system like a fog, Yugi could have burst out laughing. There was something beautiful about the whole situation; he didn't feel any burden, any lump in his throat, any guilt. There was nothing he regretted, even though in the last few hours he had changed his life more than he had in the last few months. What did they say? You have to change everything to not change a thing? Perhaps it wasn't so untrue; the two of them would go on with their lives, go on studying, laughing, even fighting and, of course, living under the same roof. Just the two of them, as always. But something had definitely changed, in the way Yugi saw Yami, the way he saw himself.
The very last puzzle piece fit with ease between the others, the final picture finally readable. Nothing of it was certain; the future is never for sure, but no mist surrounded the puzzle anymore. Yugi opened his eyes a little bit more, till he was looking at Yami's face, and with his fingers brushed a lock of hair from his eyes, revealing a pair of burning red irises, half hidden beneath lazy eyelids, staring softly at Yugi.
The younger man smiled.
Together, they would make the puzzle's image clear.