ELI POV
I can't stand having these feelings coursing through my body every waking moment, and even more when she was in the room. So why haven't I asked her out yet? It's quite simple actually. She just started dating this dude. So since I was so afraid to ask her out, some other guy did. At first she wasn't sure she wanted to go out with him, much to my pleasure. Then Alli got to her, telling her that she should go for it, before someone else came along.
"Hey, it's Clare, leave a message." I sighed, she never ignored my calls, and so this was obviously a date night with Riley. What ever.
CLARE POV
It was cute how Riley would take me out to all these cool places, he was a cool guy, and I liked him for being so sweet, and open. He trusted me with his secret, and I agreed to go along as his girlfriend, so people thought he was straight. It's not like the guy I like is going to ever like me back, so I had nothing to lose.
I am finally getting over my past, and it feels nice to have a clean reputation, because no one here knew about my past, let's just hope it stays that way.
ELI POV
It was understandable, that she wouldn't go out with me, like ever. That's why she dates this jock. He's perfect for her, while I have a rep, and a past. I'm not pure enough for her, and I have to accept it.
CLARE POV
I was walking to school with Riley's arm around my neck, it felt nice, it was like we had a real relationship, and just it was strictly emotional. Only kissed in public, and never showed these gestures in private. When we were alone we would talk about our boy problems, and play silly games, like friends. So yea, it was fun. The only thing is every Friday, I couldn't hang out with Eli anymore, because I had to be the perfect girlfriend, and watch his practice. No one knew about the whole 'fake' aspect, except for Riley and I.
"Clare, I have to get to class, but I'll see you later." I nodded, he kissed me, and he had to pretend to be lost in the moment, until we heard someone clear their throat. I looked up to see Eli, and Adam.
"I'll see you at lunch." He nodded and walked off to class.
"So, what's up guys?" they both sighed, Adam disapproved of my relationship with Riley, for 1. Being he didn't know it was fake, and for another reason he said he couldn't tell me.
"Nothing, but you do know that he's probably a player," I laughed, and shook my head.
"If you only knew. That's pretty impossible." They looked confused.
"When he's not in class, he's with me, all the time. He doesn't even have time for this relationship much less multiple." It was sorta true.
"He sleeps over at your house." Adam of course would care.
"Yes, why? It's not that big of a deal."
"What happened to waiting till marriage?" this time it was Eli who piped up.
"I am waiting till marriage, not that it's your business or anything." I was pissed and I began to walk away.
He would never like me.
ELI POV
I saw a tear slip down her cheek, and I felt something inside my chest start to heart. She just walked away.
"Eli, man, you have to tell her you like her, I'm tired of not being able to defend my actions anymore."
I sighed, then averted my eyes to the floor, until I saw this flower printed notebook. Out of curiosity he bent down to pick it up.
He opened up the first page, and in side it simply said in beautiful handwriting:
Diary of Clare Edwards
I knew better than to read it, but what did I do? I of course, read it.
Today is the day I got this retched thing. Me Ryan was going to burn it, but decided to just humor my parents. My mom and dad think I need to 'change' but they don't understand how it feels to lose someone your closest too. I and Ryan changed a lot after James' died. I didn't mean to start in the drugs, but one night after Ryan's dad beat him, we stole his weed, and one thing led to another, and now I'm officially a druggie.
At first I totally hated it, but then I realized I thought less and less of the pain James brought us. No one knew that his father beat him to death, except me and Ryan. Ryan was afraid that he would die too if he snitched on his father.
Martin was out of our normal stuff last week, so we went else where. This is when I was introduced to my new best friends. Rum, liquor, and whiskey. It's not as hard to cover up as weed, and its more legal. But it doesn't numb the pain the same way.
That's when Ryan got the idea, to drink, and smoke at the same time. He is areal genius that guy is. My parents walked in on us yesterday, and I told them it was a one time thing, and then they said that this is supposed to help, and honestly I feel like I am wasting all my time.
Today I went to visit James' grave stone. There was a group of people there, throwing egg shells at his grave. That sent me off the edge, me and Ryan almost got arrested for kicking their asses. Thankfully, one of the cops was real close to James, and understood, and never filed the report. Ryan is the only one, who understands, and now I am not so alone in the world, and that's why I love him.
I was so shocked at what I was reading that I started to cry, it reminded me of how I was after Julia died. But this was Saint Clare, we're talking about, I didn't know that this was her past, or I wouldn't be so afraid of her reactions. She understood more than anyone I ever met in my life. Only she had the bad influence of another person to bring her down, while I was alone, to suffer. But she loved this guy, what happened.
I flipped the page, like it was a book, and not my best friend's life secrets that I had no permission to read.
I started my personal therapy today; I and rye decided that if James was gone, then we should be too. But I was too chicken shit, so it didn't cut deep enough. It hurt to much to try to tear a vein, it's a lot stronger than it looks. I felt better when rye couldn't do it either. But it felt good, so we agreed to not tell anyone, and now I have 3 gashes on my wrists. We decided to try to find another way, but we got cut off but Rye's dad starting to kick him again, I sat there and cried for him.
.
.
.
Yesterday was so horrible, a year ago my best friend was murdered by his father, and my and rye had to sit there and watch his dad fake hurt for his sons death. I did what I never thought I would do, and I slept with rye. It was different than I expected, but I think that we were meant to be, so it made me happy. For once I wasn't thinking of ending my life because he loved me, and I loved him. Life was finally starting to turn around. I didn't have to drink or smoke today, because I had a genuine smile on my face from last night.
It scared me to see into Clare's past, it was worse than mine, she definitely hid it well, but why would she be so different now? That was the only thought that coursed through me as I read her diary.
Yesterday I cried, all day. I found out that what I feared for weeks is true, and I'm pregnant. I was dreading telling Ryan, what would he say? What would he do? Would he still love me? I couldn't help but think that I would want to name it after James. It just felt right. But I had to stop those thoughts from going through my head, because I still didn't know what was going to happen. I really hope he's okay with this; it is his fault after all, right? Well, at least there isn't anyone else that I have to tell, considering I live with Ryan now.
.
.
.
My life is pointless, the flashbacks are still playing in my memory, forever branded to the side of my brain for me think about.
I was talking to Ryan, when his dad was out so that he didn't hear, Ryan was all happy, and we were celebrating, saying how we would put our bad habits behind us for the baby, when he walked in.
He shot rye right in the face.
Right in front of me.
Saying that he should join his brother in hell. Then he dragged me by my hair onto the emptied street, and kicked me until I was black and blue all over, that was two weeks ago. I am still in the hospital, and my baby is gone. The only thing I have left of Ryan is gone for ever.
My mom says that I have to go to rehab, and then she's making me move to Canada, Ryan and James' death's are finally put to justice, when they found me dying in the rain, I told them everything.
I attempted a few hospital suicides, but I promised, if they just untied my hands I wouldn't do anything, so now there's some nurse, just watching me all day, and my door has to stay open, and she has to watch me use the restroom, and shower. Talk about uncomfortable.
I actually hate my life, when will it finally be over?
When I read this, I broke down in front of the Degrassi steps, crying for my Clare. She has been through much more than anyone should ever have too, and no one knows about the front she puts up.
There was about 9 months before she ever wrote in her diary again, but I still read it.
I just got out of the rehabilitation center. I met this person in there, he was really a good guy, he just had a problem. I promised him that once he was let out I would be there for him. I wrote him letters, every day, and he wrote some back to me. While I was in there, I learned about being reborn into a better person. I learned about Jesus, and what he did for everyone. I decided to purify my self. I was a virgin again, and I was baptized. It felt nice to be clean, I never knew that it could life a huge weight off my shoulders to tell people about my past, but it has. I see the light, I see the road to happiness, and I can only hope that other people see it too.
Bryce thought I was bull shit, but I convinced him to give it a shot, and now most of our letters consist of his questions about the higher power. It warms my heart to know that he is finally at a good place, a better place in his life.
Before I had to start at this Canadian school, I went back home to visit Rye, and James. Someone left a picture of him by his grave, and I took it. It was my favorite picture I had of him, but I gave it to James, and now somehow it wound up here. My beautiful rye.
In side was a picture of a boy who had dark hair, and blue eyes, much like Clare's, he had a yellow shirt on, with some graphic on the front, and he seemed to be sitting in the grass. He wasn't anything like Riley; in fact he was nothing like Riley. That gave me a little bit of a confidence boost.
I continued to read.
The date of James' death is coming up, and I am afraid of what will happen. Last year, I had Rye, now Ryan is dead too. November 14, 2009 the day my life went to shit, and it's about to come back.
I couldn't believe it. TOMORROW WAS November 14TH! 2010!
I met this guy today, when I first saw him, I thought nothing of it, but then I saw him again, in my English class, and there was that face. He reminded me so much of Rye, just by looking at him, sure he had green eyes instead of blue, but by first glance, I was almost heartbroken. I kept telling myself not to talk to him, that it liking someone wasn't good, because anyone or anything I touch turns to shit, and he seemed to perfect to harm.
.
.
.
It's been a while since I last wrote in here. This is one of my favorite entries, I think. I'm starting to learn more about him, and he is nothing like Ryan, and I love that. He is just so sarcastic, and witty, and he really is smart. I can't help but feel like he is hiding some secret and it feels like my goal to get it out of him. His name is Elijah. Elijah Goldsworthy. When ever I think of him I hyperventilate, but I could never tell him about the fact that I like him because I can't drag him into my darkness. I don't think he would like either sides of me anyway.
Adam is his best friend, go figure. I knew Adam's secret for a while now, and he knows mine. I made him promise to an oath, that he could NEVER tell anyone, I don't know would I would do if anyone found out how horrible of a person I truly am. The more I have this saintly charade, the more I believe it.
What would Ryan say? Ryan is gone. So it doesn't matter. I still feel like I am lying to myself, and to everyone I care about everyday. How can Eli be so perfect? Why did I have to know him? Why couldn't I just blend into the crowd and not have to worry that any second, Adam could slip and tell him.
What would he think of me? Would he never talk to me again? Would he see me any differently? Would he think that I'm trash? And then I realize that I shouldn't care, but I can't help but care, I mean, he is the most important part of my life, but I can never take that next step, knowing something would have to be said. I can't commit myself to anyone, not even Ryan.
To say I was surprised that she liked me was an understatement, I mean I have spent way too much time, wishing that she would like me, and the whole time she was wishing I her.
But what about Riley?
Okay, so Riley and I are becoming best friends. It feels nice to have a friend that I either, A. have no feelings for, or B. is best friends with the guy I have feelings for.
.
.
.
Riley told me his secret today, and asked me to do something big! And what's crazy is I agreed to it.
He asked me to pretend to be his girlfriend so that people won't suspect that he's gay. It hurts to see him in pain, so I agreed. If I thought that Eli might ever like me, I would have turned him down, but I know now that I'm not meant to be happy.
.
.
.
Riley and I are on a "date" e.i. watching a movie with his football buddies, have I ever said how stupid this is? I used to hangout with Eli every Friday, it was my favorite thing to do, and I have to act like it's not a big deal to pass it up to watch Riley practice foot ball. I mean honestly, foot ball? I would much rather be spending time with Eli, or Adam, he makes me forget how fucked up my life truly is, with his wit, and sarcasm, and his 'oh so high' modesty. He plays with my head and he doesn't even know it.
What can I do with this? What would she say if she knew that I read this? Well I have to talk to Adam, obviously, because he knows her secret.
NEXT DAY CLARE POV
"Riley, can I maybe be alone today?" he looked worried, but complied.
I sat in my room, with a picture of James in my arms, and stared at his picture for what seemed like hours. I get up, to go take a shower, and I notice my scar. When me and rye, were all messed up and tried to kill ourselves for James, I got this scar. Its about 7 inches down my four arm. We tried to cut down, and not across, hoping it would do the job. But hear I am, proving that it didn't work for us.
I took my shower, and then sat in the middle of my bed. Why couldn't I cry? Why was I sitting here acting so formal with myself? I made myself feel ridiculous, and tried to cry. It didn't work.
As I lay on my bed, swimming in all of the memories I ever had, I realized what my problem was. I was lying to myself.
I rushed to my closet, grabbed the box that said "OLD CLARE" in beautiful hand writing. I took out what was on top.
My shirt from my first concert, the one James, and Rye split the pay for, because it was the last one, and they both promised me something. Then I dug a little deeper, and found the blade that I used. The very one, that rye used. It was clean, but she trailed it against her skin ever so softly, so it couldn't cut. She was doing that for at least an hour, just reminiscing in memories, when suddenly her door flew open, and in came Eli, and Adam, she was so freaked out, she forgot the blade on her arm, and was pressing hard against it, she didn't feel it until she felt her arm getting wet.
"shit." She quickly ran to the bathroom, and pushed her sleeve up, washing away the memories, when she felt the tears come on. She locked the door, and turned on the shower. She slid to the floor, dabbing her arm with a wash cloth, and crying her eyes out. It felt like a huge pressure washing off of her from the days that go on. Her arm, now had the same cut, but it was more noticeable, then the one she made over 2 years ago.
Knock.
Knock.
She turned the shower off, and slowly entered her bedroom, afraid of what would happen.
ELI POV
Adam and I were sitting on Clare's porch for about 20 minutes, ringing the bell. Adam didn't know I knew, so he tried to hide his worrying, so we opened the door. We walked up to Clare's room, and opened the door, to reveal a torn Clare, with a blade to her arm. She made a bee line to the bathroom, and turned on the water. I looked down at a box and a picture that was sitting on her bed.
The picture was of a boy with shaggy hair, much like the one in her Diary, only this was a different boy, and he had brown eyes. He didn't look happy.
I looked in the box, and found another picture of the boy from her Diary, only this time he was lying on a bed. Clare's bed. He looked like he was watching TV or something.
Then Clare came out of the bathroom
"What are you doing with those? Put them back, what are you even doing here!" she was yelling, and crying, as she snatched the photos from my hand, and hugged them. She started shuffling around the room, putting things in the box, and went to her closet, and put it away. She was flustered, and crying, and talking to her self, at such a speed I couldn't understand, like she was having a debate with herself in side her head.
She stopped dead in her tracks, as she glared at my hand.
I was confused until I looked at my hand too, and saw I still had one picture in it, I honestly didn't know it was there.
"Give, it, to me. Now." she didn't take her eyes off of the picture. I slowly handed it to her. She took it, and all of a sudden, ran out of the room. I went to fallow her, but Adam stopped me.
"Dude, you don't even know the half of it." I smirked.
"I think I honestly know more than you."
He looked confused. I sat him down and told him about the Diary incident, and he was shocked about everything I told him.
Just as I finished, Clare walked back in the room, picture in hand, and sat back on her bed. I think she honestly forgot we were there.
"Clare, honey, how come you didn't tell me Eli knows?" oh no, one detail of the story I forgot to mention, was that she had no idea that I knew.
"Knew what?" she mentioned in monotone, just eyeing the picture, and examining every detail of it.
"About them…" she shot up.
"Adam, did you tell him?" I knew I had to save Adam.
"No, Clare, I read your diary, I'm really sorry, but it fell on the floor, and curiosity got the-" before I could finish, she just punched the mirror that was in front of her.
"Clare, what are you doing?" Adam ran over to help her.
"I can't stand living a lie any more. You should just go." She really thought we were going to sit there, and let her lie in broken glass? Well than she had another thing coming.
"Clare, don't worry, we're here for you."
She looked up at me with pleading eyes.
"But why are you here for me? If you ever really read my Diary, you would know, I am a horrible person. I'm no Saint, no matter how much I try to be, it's not who I am. I lie to everyone every day. It's not right."
"Clare, we all care about you, I just wish that there was someway we could help."
She suddenly smiled, and stood up. She walked over to Adam, and hugged him.
"Eli, why do you even care?" her words hurt, more that necessary.
"Because, you're my best friend." She blinked,
"Right. Can you guys please leave, I hate you seeing me like this."
"Clare, I am not leaving you in your time of need."
I sighed and sat next to her, hugging her for dear life.
What could I do to help this broken girl?