Everything's Unwonderful

by RuPatsGirl

"I'm fine, I'm great," I said,sounding forced. I hoped he didn't notice. I think I am. "I just need a cigarette,"I said, laughing. He laughed too. I feel my mind drifting. It feels heavy. Maybe if I say that enough to people, I'll start to believe it too.

I'm tired of being alone.

I'm tired of being hurt.

And I'm tired of being me.

Being ten years old seems like a world away. Being ten, life was that much easier. I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't care. I had my whole life ahead of me (although some may argue that I still do.) My worries revolved around not having enough friends or not having enough friends that thought I was cool. Now, at the age of 29, my worries consist of my future rapidly slipping through my fingers. Still toiling away at the part-time job that was intended to carry me through high school far surpasses embarrassing. It was meant as a means of self-empowerment; a way of making myself believe that I was carrying my own weight. How delusional I Must have been. It has taken me a great deal of time to realize that I only began struggling in this world at the mere age of 21. I had a plan. My plan was to attend community college for two years, transfer to a prestigious 4 year university, and become a pathologist. My plan seemed easier than you would think. And then, in a nano second, everything was taken from me. Everything changed. And from that point forward, I was never the same.