That morning had been a busy morning for Higgins and his sister Angie. "I can't believe the coach is really dead…"
"Yeah…It's gonna be weird…Y'know, knowing his gone."
"Kinda sad, too." Angie sniffled, getting into Higgins' car. He slapped her leg gently.
"Toughen up princess." He chuckled. She smiled slightly. The whole ride their seemed dark. Neither of them talked, and not a single happy song played on the radio. "This is weird." Higgins stated.
"Mmm." Angie mumbled. "Hey look, is that Lenny?" Angie asked, pointing out the said guy.
"Well so it is. C'mon, we'll park the car and then go see him." Higgins drove around the place looking for a parking space. "Jeez, how many people knew the coach?!" He finally found a place and then hopped out of the car, walking around to help Angie out. "C'mon, upsie Princess Daisy." He teased.
"Ha, ha." Angie laughed sarcastically.
I'm a gangsta what I'm a gangsta, be-arch
"What the fudge was that?"
"I think that was Lenny's kid's phone…" Higgins told his sister as they walked over. They heard Lenny say something about no phones. "What? No cell phones? I'm outta here!"
"Higgy!" Angie face-palmed as her brother did a little dance.
"Who's ready to get their funeral on?" He then saw the embarrassed look on his sister's face and decided to apologize. "I'm sorry, death makes me weird. What's up, McKenzie!" Higgins gave him a bro hug. "You got those soft hands, still using Palmolive?" Angie smiled at Kurt and kissed his cheek then hugged him.
"Hey there McKenzie! Hi, Deane!" She shared a hug with Deane.
"What's up Lenny? Buddy, I thought you were gonna start working out!"
"What does that mean?" Higgins shrugged and pulled up a sleeve.
"Um, you're fat?"
"What, no! Hey, guys this is big news, I always wanted to represent you, and you're the…third Olsen twin?" Higgins laughed.
"Keep it down. Hey, so these are your kids?" He spotted the nanny, Rita, cuddling one of the kids. "Who's that, that's not a nanny, is it?"
"No, no, that's…just a friend of ours from China."
"Oh yeah. I've been on that website."
"No, that's…just a …exchange student that…my wife brought into the house."
"Oh, your wife's into chicks. Oh, that's nice. Hollywood, man." He fist bumped Kurt just as Eric rolled up in a Cadillac.
"Hey now!" He smiled, one arm one the door. Higgins, Kurt, Lenny and Angie walked over.
"Lamensoff! Rollin' up in a Caddy?"
"That's how we do it." Eric shrugged.
"It's you, you've grown up on me, man, and you're a B cup now?" Lenny joked. Eric laughed. Kurt pet Eric's dog.
"Glad you brought your mother this time." Eric grabbed his hand.
"That's a good one. Wow, it's like shaking hands with an eagle." Eric then drove off and Higgins spotted Rob praying.
"Oh my god. It's captain caring of the SS melodrama."
"Oh, he's gonna play this one big."
"Queue 'Hey!'"
"Hey!" Rob said, seeming to be offended. "Hell of a circumstance, huh?"
"Yeah, hey, you look good man, it's like if Elvis was an Oompa Lumpa, He's right in front of me!"
"Well, I don't make jokes at funeral because it's disrespectful." At that point Angie, standing next to her big brother, tuned everything out until she heard her brother say,
"Ugh, grody." She looked to see Rob and Gloria trying to touch each other's tongues, Rob's Toupee flying here there and everywhere.
"We'll see ya in there."
…
"Angie, you okay, you sorta tuned out out there." Higgins asked Angie. Angie gave him a look. "Okay, there's a seat behind Lenny, let's sit there. C'mon."
"It's nice of us; it's your money too, isn't it?" Higgins slid into the seat behind Lenny's family, Angie beside him.
"Yeah, it's your money, it's my money, let's throw all our cash in a pile and split it." He then turned his attention to the black hat Roxanne was wearing. "That's a nice hat; it brings out the death in the room." He felt Angie give him a tap on the back and decided to apologize, again. "Sorry, it's a funeral, I get weird." As he sat back again, Angie looked at him funny. "What? I do."
"Whatever you say, dumbass." They then sat back and Angie shook her head.
"What? What, what's wrong?"
"Throw all our cash in a pile and split it."
…
"…Coach Robert 'The Buzzer' Ferdenando was a caretaker in professional. And what a wonderful word that is to describe his commitment to his fellow man. He truly took care." Both Angie and Higgins looked like they were gonna cry, but while Higgins stood his ground, tears streamed down Angie's face. "When Robert knew his time was short, he told me there was one particular man he wanted to say a few words to memorialize him. So I'd like to ask Lenny Feder to come up." Higgins patted Lenny on the back as he stood up and walked to the front, fiddling with a piece of paper in his hands.
"I'm sorry; I'm not prepared at all. I feel very honored that, uh, Coach asked me to do this, but…I also feel terrible because I haven't seen the coach in so long and…I regret it." Angie sniffled at this and Higgins gently put his arm around her. "I understand that the St. Marks' team of 1978 was the only championship team that the coach ever had, and that's pretty impressive, considering the…talent we had to offer, believe it or not, Robbie and Marcus were actually shorter back in 1978." Higgins and most of the crowd laughed. Eric piped up.
"Yeah, but they had a skill you never mastered, they knew how to pass the ball."He laughed. Robbie laughed at this too and Lenny smirked.
"Looks like someone needs to learn how to pass the Kentucky Fried Chicken." Eric's smile disappeared as everyone laughed and Sally leaned her head on his shoulder.
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. We're saying goodbye to a huge part of our lives. You affected everyone in this room. I hope, we get to live our lives like you. Have no regrets when…life's final buzzer sounds. So let's all bow our heads in silence."
…
As Rob sang 'Ave Maria', everyone struggled to stop themselves laughing.
"They should've ended it right after you…This is insanity."
"Five bucks it takes him down on one knee."
"You're on." As Rob spun around holding a large photo of Coach Buzzer, Lenny and Eric burst into fits of laughter. Higgins and Angie joined when they saw the look on the Pastor's face. As Rob lowered himself onto one knee, Kurt handed Lenny five dollars. As Rob finished, Higgins then put a hand to his mouth and made a loud buzzer noise. Everyone laughed their heads off at this. Higgins laughed so hard he almost had a heart attack as he slapped a hand onto Lenny's back.
"Grow up, would ya?!" Rob snapped as he went and sat beside Gloria. Angie was laughing so hard she was crying again.
"Don't get so mad, Robbie."
…
"So guys, how are we feeling about Rob's girl? We happy for him?" Lenny asked the guys and Angie.
"Oh, my god, the St. Pauli grandma?" Angie slapped her brother's shoulder and laughed.
"She's pretty. In a 'me in a wig' sort of way."
"He seems happy, just let him be." Angie smirked.
"The only problem is that he's so in love so quick, and then one day he just…snaps and it gets ugly in a hurry." They all watched as Lenny's kid's nanny came over with a cup of coffee.
"Coffee Mr. Feder?" They all stared.
"That's nice of you, to wanna give me coffee voluntarily, but, you drink it, you know, while you're studying in the church?"
"But you texted me you want coffee."
"I said I wanted you to drink the coffee and study. So go study, your books in the church." Rita walked away with a confused look on her face.
"What was that all about?" Marcus asked. Lenny stuttered and looked for something to change the subject. He then noticed Angie's sudden absence.
"Hey, where'd your sister go?" Marcus looked around and saw his sister walking off, then it turned into a run, and he jumped up to follow her. Angie got so far away that it'd took them five minutes running.
"Angie, Ang, what's wrong, why'd you run off like that?" He grabbed her hand, noticing her tear stained face. "Is it about mum and dad?"
"What else? It's just…I've got a secret from you…and it's kinda important…"
"What is it, Angie, you can tell me anything, absolutely anything."
"I'm engaged." She spat. Marcus stared for a moment, and then held her close.
"Oh my god…my sister's getting married…"
"Yeah, but, I don't even know if I WANT to!" She screamed, pulling out of his grip. "It's just…I can't do this without them…it wouldn't be right. They didn't even see me graduate from high school, or…see you come home from college, and…now they're not even gonna be at my wedding?!" Marcus then wrapped his arms around his sister then whispered in her ear,
"Y'know, there's a bright side to that. I don't think Mum and Dad would've wanted me to come home from college. Maybe Dad, but not Mum. You saw how boozed up I was."
"I guess that's a good point…but it doesn't change the fact that they're gone!" Marcus sighed.
"C'mon, we're leaving soon, we gotta go back." They then walked side by side back to the church where the others were impatiently waiting.
…
On their way to the lake house, Angie didn't speak. Just stared glumly out the window in a daze. Marcus turned the radio up a little louder, hoping she'd at least start singing along. He sang along himself and looked over at her occasionally. "C'mon, lighten up, Angie." Angie just sighed loudly in reply. As they arrived they pulled up next to the Lamensoff's. As Higgins got out the car he noticed how small Rob's car was.
"Hey, Rob's car's an Oompa Lumpa too." He pointed out, much to Rob's annoyance. Angie snickered. As they walked, Becky, the youngest Feder, noticed the bug killer.
"Daddy, what's that machine doing?"
"Uh, it's getting rid of the moths, honey."
"Where's it taking them?" Marcus decided to butt in.
"Hell." At that he received his sister's elbow to his ribs. "Ow. I'm sorry not hell, Mexico." Lenny decided to fake an explanation for what it was for.
"It's uh…giving the moths electricity so the, uh, moths fall asleep…electrically."
"It's electrocuting them? But daddy, they're dying!"
"It's killing them?" Charlotte and Donna asked in unison. Angie tried not to laugh at Lenny's situation.
"No, no it's not, see?" They watched as Lenny took a dead moth out. "Look at this guy. Wheee! Oh, he's still sleeping."
"It's dead dad." Greg stated much to Roxanne's annoyance as she pinched him. "Ow!"
"Ooo a porch swing. I know what I'm doing this weekend." Mama Ronzoni laughed as she walked onto the porch, squashing the fallen moth in the process.
"Now he's dead."
…
"Welcome back to 1978 everybody, the lake house!" Rob introduced. Everyone was wowed by how big it seemed. Marcus patted his back.
"I don't remember it this big!"
"Ooo, an organ!" Donna smiled as she galloped over to the said instrument with her little brother Bean.
"Oh, honey, I might not wouldn't bang on that!" Sally warned as Donna thumped on the organ.
"But I like playing it like this."
"Okay, okay!"
"Alright, guys so who gets which room?" Lenny asked. Rob held up a map.
"Actually I made a map of who gets which room. I took the room with the waterbed for…Gloria and myself."
"Ooo, you're gonna do the backstroke tonight."
"I wanna go swimming with you guys tonight." Donna smiled.
"Oh, honey, we're not really going swimming. What I meant was-," Sally quickly put her hands over her daughter's ears.
"Oh, that's okay; she doesn't need to know what you mean. I don't even know what you mean." Higgins decided he wanted to butt in.
"Oh, I know what she meant." He then mimicked vomiting and the others chuckled.
"Anyway, Rob, why don't you give us a tour?"
"Sure. Gloria was just trying to be cool."
"Why does the grandma get to go swimming and I don't?" Donna scowled.
…
"Here's the big daddy, the master bedroom." Rob said as he opened the door revealing the massive master bedroom.
"You know what, Lenny, you should have that one." Roxanne tapped him and strutted in.
"No, no, honey, honey honey. Let the kids have it, it's a fun time for the kids to be together and they can do kids things. Go and share it, share the master bedroom." The small stampede of kids entered and searched the room. Greg and Keithie were fixed on the old TV.
"Hey dad, what's with the big box attached to the back of the TV?"
"Uh, that's the rest of the TV. We didn't always have flat screens there, kid."
"Wow. That is some stone age shiznit." Marcus and Angie exchanged glances at that.
"Yeah, that's whack."
"I need a room with heat." Everyone turned to Mama Ronzoni.
"It's summer, it's like, 95 degrees in here."
"There he goes again. I got bunions." Rob made his way over.
"Actually, I have a poultice I make, using maize."
"Just say corn, maize is corn everybody." Marcus told.
"Yeah, but he says maize because it sounds more mystical." Kurt smirked, waving his hands around on 'mystical'.
"No, I like the way he said it. Maize." Lenny said, saying 'maize in a nasally voice.
"Maize." Kurt said.
"Maize."
"Maize."
"Maize."
"It's fantastic alright?"
"Its a'maize'ing." Marcus commented, his sister cracking up.
"I just put it on cloth and then moisten and heat it, and then apply it directly to the affected area." Mama Ronzoni nodded.
"Okay, but, my affected area is pretty big." She sighed, showing off her big-ass bunion.
"Oh god." Angie turned away, disgusted, as Bean ran off screaming.
"Mama, I didn't know the elephant man lived in your shoe."
"How is anyone supposed to get some sleep knowing they're under the same roof as Toe- by Brown over here?" Mama jumped up and pointed a finger at Kurt accusingly.
"You're stepping over the line woman."
…
The boys, lined up in chairs across the lawn, watched as Eric's dog Curly barked. Sort of.
"So, what's up with that Labradoodle, it sounds like, Steven Hawking or something." Marcus asked. Eric pointed.
"Well, Curly, he had his vocal cords clipped. The neighbor filed a complaint. So it was either…clip the cords or…put Curly down." As the dog barked some more, Angie walked out silently behind her brother. Lenny saw her and she motioned shush to him.
"Wrong choice." Kurt stated. Lenny laughed.
"He's part of the family you know?"
"Imagine, if like, a robber visits your house, he must run in terror. 'Wow, what's that turkey doing in the house?'" Angie bit her bottom lip and then grabbed her brother's shoulders.
"Boo!"
"OH SHIT!" Angie clapped her hands together and cracked up laughing at her brother reaction.
"God, we should've caught that on tape." Rob smirked with a chuckle. They could hear Greg and Keithie's video game blaring inside the lake house, listening in silence, a little disturbed.
"I can't take it anymore." Lenny said going inside.
"Whoa, look at this, is he gonna do it?" Of course, Lenny came out carrying both his boys. Eric and Kurt then headed inside to get their kids while Lenny told his kids that there was to be no more video games or cell phones and that they should stay outside and play.
…
"Hey Greg, I remember when we were your age your dad used to talk us into doing the craziest stuff. I remember one time we got shower curtains, put them in shopping carts and went shopping cart sailing."
"Wait, how did you steer?" Andre asked, confused.
"Well, we didn't." Eric chuckled.
"How'd you stop?" Keithie asked.
"You just smashed into something, that was the fun part."
"And we used to shoot bottle rockets at each other. You'd always go for the guys face because you wanna blind 'em." Marcus laughed. Rob looked at him funny.
"Okay, that's a little too much pal."
"No, you know what just…erase, reboot." He chuckled.
"You know what, make a tree fort, I'll get you started." Lenny said, putting a long piece of wood into two branches of a tree.
"Rob lived in one of those for a year." Eric said.
"Why?" Greg asked, watching his dad.
"My dad took away my roller skates." Rob remembered.
"Uh oh, Vietnam flashback." Marcus smirked, Rob giving him a death look. Angie squinted her eyes and tilted her head.
"Lenny, Lenny look!" She pointed out the rope attached to a tree.
"Are you kidding me? Whoa!" They all rushed over to it.
"Oh, rope on a tree baby. You know what that means."
"We get to hang ourselves?"
"Are you kidding me? You see a rope and a lake and that doesn't make you wanna go nuts?"
"It makes me like…" Eric then worked his way over to the rope.
"Yeah baby."
"Dude, dude, get up on the top rock!" Marcus yelled, pointing to the top rock. Eric then got up there, got a run up and jumped.
"Who wants to see a double flip?" They watched as he chickened out. "Too high!"
"Now drop!"
"This was a mistake!"
"No!"
"I can't go, I'm too scared-," Eric then hit into a tree and tumbled down, everyone exclaiming in shock each time he hit.
"That. Was. AWESOME!" Keithie yelled in awe, as Eric emerged from the bushes.
"Oh god! Ow my leg snapped, oh my god the bones sticking out, oh god!" Everyone looked as if they would be sick, until Eric continued. "It's a stick! I got ya!" he smirked, throwing the stick. Becky gasped.
"Daddy, that bird is hurt!"
"Oh my god. I'll go get a shoe box!" Lenny said, dashing off to go get the said object. Marcus and Angie then ran over to pull Eric up.
"Hey, did you really land o9n that bird man?" Marcus asked as Eric dusted himself off.
"Well, I did hear a chirp and then a… crunch like noise, but… that could've been anything." Marcus then patted him on the back.
"Okay."