You Can't Keep Telling Everyone You're Fine

by jadvisioness

During his Administrative Leave after the death of two suspects, Colby has to come to terms with his time being an undercover triple agent and his obsession with Bonnie Parks in order to keep his job. And then things get even more complicated. See notes.

Title: You Can't Keep… Telling Everyone You're Fine

Author: jadvisioness/lilacs_roses

Type/Word count: Numb3rs / +18,800

Rating: PG13 - R

Characters (in order of appearance): Colby Granger, Charlie Eppes, David Sinclair, Don Eppes, Bonnie Parks, Dr. William Bradford, Lynn Potter, ensemble cast

Pairings: Colby Granger/Bonnie Parks; Colby Granger/Lynn Potter; surprise pairing/s

Genre: AU; character study; hurt/comfort; episode related; UST/mutual attraction of male characters

Warnings: This is not betaed – see notes. Harsh/bad language/potty mouth; 'talk therapy'; character study; Colby centric; non-graphic/glossed over het; discussion of time in prison; discussion of war; discussion of torture by drugs (Trust Metric); slight discussion and issues with depression, drinking, suicidal ideation; allusions to slash; attraction of male characters but no actual slash; etc.

Spoilers: (Entire 'spy' storyline) Mole, Janus List, Trust Metric, Breaking Point, Blowback. Brief mentions or allusions to: Checkmate, When Worlds Collide, High Exposure, etc.

Summary: During his Administrative Leave after the death of two suspects, Colby has to come to terms with his time being an undercover triple agent and his obsession with Bonnie Parks in order to keep his job. And then things get even more complicated.

First reader: Cerealkiller0; Munchkinofdoom; Laura_trekkie; Hanna

AN: This started as a tag to Breaking Point but became a lot more. It's obviously AU in some aspects with regards to the spy storyline, episode timelines and has a totally different ending to Blowback. Also this work did not climax the way I'd intended; however, I suppose, it does leave an opening for a sequel – not that I have any intentions at the moment of doing one. It also once again confirmed that I plainly cannot deal with stress as well as I used to – i.e. 'deadlines' or the pressures of 'this needs to be done!' simply made me ill and not 'motivated.'

Given that, please note that this story is not betaed! I was writing this all the way up and past the 'deadline' and it did not have any chance whatsoever of getting a read through by anyone. To that end, please point and I shall correct – sometime but not in the near future; I'm exhausted and have people clamoring for more 'Assaulted'… no idea how I'm going to pull that off.

Artwork provided by Munchkinofdoom. PLEASE send her a lot of warm fuzzies because, given the state of the story, she was pushed all the way to 'deadline' to get something that fit this story well. And she went through a lot of ideas! I love the final result of her work and want all of you to make sure she understands that and how much we appreciate her work. (See my LJ for link to art.)

Feedback: While I can live without it, any kudos for this bear would be sincerely appreciated. Thanks.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

Two days after he'd led the recovery team that rescued Bonnie Parks from the basement of the abandoned house that Taylor's goons had had her stashed in, Colby was still trying to come to terms with the emotions the investigation had brought forth. What he'd told Charlie was true; he'd believed that whatever had happened regarding his assumed treason, he had had faith that the team – Don, Megan, Charlie and David – would come through for him. And Colby wanted to be that to Bonnie; she had no one and he needed to be that someone who found her.

But when he'd – they'd – found her and he had cut through the rope restraining her, reached to help her stand, she had jerked away, had insisted that she could do it herself. Bonnie hadn't let anyone help her, walking unsteadily across the floor and then through the doorway and the rest of the house. Even when they'd gotten to the ambulance, Bonnie had barely let the paramedics check her over.

Knowing that she hadn't let anyone touch her, that it wasn't just him she'd rejected, still didn't help him come to terms with how involved he had gotten in finding the woman. He'd spent hours going over the collection of video tapes of her many investigations that she kept at her apartment, searching through her personal items and every scrap of information he could pull together on her. Colby had lost himself in his admiration of the woman, her courage to put herself on the front lines, taking on hard hitting individuals who would have no compunction on killing anyone, especially a female reporter who was all alone in the world.

Bonnie Parks was much like him, when he'd been undercover for two years. While he'd tried to keep to himself relationship wise, getting close enough to his team mates to work well with them – giving little of his actual history away for fear of giving too much – Bonnie was voluntarily keeping people at a distance, making sure that no one got close to her. Coworkers spoke admiringly about her work but knew basically nothing of the very private woman. They knew of her brother's death because of the circumstances, his being in the war in the Middle East, but nothing else.

How could such a… beautiful, intelligent, strong woman be so alone? Want to be so alone?

Shaking his head, he took another swallow of the Jack Daniels he'd gotten the day before just as someone knocked at the door to his apartment.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

Charlie wasn't as oblivious to the human condition as some people thought, but he did have trouble with it. So, once Colby had gotten Charlie to talk about his experience with being targeted during the Taylor/Parks investigation, and Charlie had gotten his head back to where it should be, the professor had finally noticed the formidable blonde's unusual behavior regarding Bonnie Parks. And, since Colby had helped him, Charlie felt compelled to return the favor.

Arriving at the agent's apartment, Charlie hesitated momentarily before knocking on the door. He knew Colby wasn't at the office and could very well be taking the unscheduled time off for some surfing or such, but he was willing to bet that Colby was climbing the walls at home with nervous energy due to his unscheduled 'vacation'.

When the door opened, proving him right, Charlie couldn't help but be surprised at the blonde's appearance. Even when dressed casually, Colby always presented himself well. It was odd seeing him with his hair uncombed, face unshaven and only wearing a pair of sweats. But the thing that disturbed Charlie most was the unmistakable smell of hard liquor. It wasn't strong, but since Colby wasn't a drinker, it was truly unexpected.

The man sighed and then motioned for him to come inside.

The professor took in the state of the apartment, noting that, while it looked lived in, it wasn't overly cluttered, which soothed something inside of him. It didn't look like Colby was letting whatever had driven him to the opened bottle of JD on the coffee table to take him over completely. Charlie found himself thankful for that; he had enough trouble trying to handle Don when his brother had been drinking, he couldn't imagine trying to do so with Colby.

"What brings you here, Charlie?"

"I… you know… I just really wanted to thank you, again, for helping me get my head back on straight."

Colby gave an abbreviated nod, "I told you, Charlie, it wasn't any problem. I've been there and it can be overwhelming. I'm just glad you got through it and were able to help us finish the case."

Charlie followed him into the kitchen, watching as the blond took a couple of bottled waters from the fridge, and handed him one before opening his own and taking a long swallow out of it.

Charlie figured the best thing to do was just to blurt out what he wanted to say and let Colby go from there.

"I also wanted you to know… I mean…." Of course, things were never that easy or simple.

Colby raised an eyebrow questioningly.

Charlie sighed and scratched his head. "Uh… I just wanted you to know that if you need… needed… wanted… to talk… about anything… that I'm here." He hated how he sounded so unsure of what he was trying to get across to the other man.

A small smile appeared on Colby's face before he replied, "Thanks, Charlie, but I'm fine. Just hanging out; waiting for the all clear to go back to work."

Charlie nodded once. He should have realized that, just like Don, Colby wouldn't open up without a lot of 'special handling' as his mother had called it when talking of his dad or brother. While it seemed that Charlie was expected to just dump on him, it appeared Colby felt no such compunction to do the same. But Charlie really didn't want Colby sitting here in his apartment with whatever had driven him to be drinking alone.

Don had once told him that Charlie could be pretty persuasive when he put his mind to it and, while he didn't think it would go anywhere with Colby, he decided to give it a try.

A few minutes later, Charlie had to conclude that trying to get Colby to talk when he didn't want to was a lost cause. In his own way, Colby was even worse – or better, depending on your point of view – than Don.

"Charlie, I appreciate what you're trying to do, really, but there isn't anything I want to talk about. And if there was something bothering me, it'd be something that I'd need to take care of myself. OK?" Colby finally stated.

Charlie sighed and then nodded his head. "Yeah, OK."

After an awkward moment of silence, Charlie excused himself from the apartment.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

David was talking with Don when the elder agent caught the movement of someone walking towards them in his peripheral vision. Turning his head, he was surprised to find the investigative reporter Colby and David had rescued two days prior. Looking back to his second-in-command they then both glanced to Colby's empty desk; the junior agent had been placed on Administrative Leave with regards to the two men he'd shot, both having died, during the Taylor/Parks investigation.

As she reached their position, Don held out his hand. "Ms. Parks."

The woman shook it, smiling, and then reached for the one David held out to her.

"What brings you here?" He asked casually, trying to mask his curiosity.

"I'm afraid I was a bit… rude… to the men who rescued me the other day. I wanted to apologize and to thank them and the rest of you for everything – not only for finding me, but taking Taylor down." The woman said, serious and sincere.

David smiled kindly, "It's not a problem, Ms. Parks, we understood."

Don nodded. David had briefed him on what had happened and, although Don hadn't said anything to Colby, he hoped the younger man got over the woman soon; he hated seeing Colby so out of sorts. "Without all the evidence you pulled together, we wouldn't have known anything about what he was up to to begin with, so… I'd say it was a team effort on putting him in prison."

Parks smiled as she pulled a business card holder from a pocket of her slacks. "If there's any way that I can help you with anything in particular, please, don't hesitate to call." She withheld the top card and then gave them each one of the simple oblong pieces of cardstock.

He and David nodded in thanks as Charlie joined them.

"Hey, Don. David. Ah, Ms. Parks."

She looked to him and he made to shake her hand, "I'm Dr. Charles Eppes, I consult for the FBI; usually my brother's cases."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Eppes." Turning back to Don, "Must be interesting working with a family member."

Don smiled slightly, "It has its moments." David chuckled as Charlie gave a playful swat to Don's nearest shoulder.

"I was wondering if Agent Granger was available to speak with for a moment."

"Colby? I'm sorry, Ms. Parks, but he's not in today." Don responded as casually as he could. He had a feeling that if Parks gave Colby any time of day… Don shook his head inwardly. Colby deserved some good things to come his way, to be happy and, if his reaction to the woman was any indication, and Parks ever reciprocated, he'd have it; Don had no right to be jealous or upset with the situation.

"I could give him a call, I'm sure he wouldn't mind taking it." David suggested with an indulgent grin. However, before Don could answer, Charlie interrupted.

"Actually, I just stopped by his place on the way here and I think he must have gone surfing or something."

Ms. Parks looked to him and then back to Don and David, "Perhaps I can catch him later than. When would be a good time to call back? I'd really like to thank him personally instead of just leaving a message."

"Well, Agent Granger's on Administrative Leave at the moment."

Parks frowned slightly, "Nothing serious, I hope."

David looked to him, knowing he didn't want to get into the subject, but Don had to say something. "It isn't, Ms. Parks; just routine for any agent who's involved in a shooting. He'll be back to work as soon as it's cleared."

The woman nodded slightly, "If he's gone surfing, as Dr. Eppes thinks," she glanced to Charlie before turning back to David and Don, "he must not be too concerned about the outcome."

Don shook his head, "I was there; he doesn't have anything to worry about. It's just one of the things we have to deal with while carrying a gun."

"Of course." Parks nodded once more. "Well, once again, thank you for everything and, if you could let Agent Granger know that I'd like to speak with him when he has a moment, I'd appreciate it."

He, David and Charlie all made affirmative answers or gestures with him adding, "I'll certainly do that, Ms. Parks."

Shaking their hands once again, she turned and headed back towards the elevators.

When she'd gotten sufficiently far away, Don turned to his brother. "Colby's not surfing."

He and David both watched Charlie shake his head slightly, "No, he's not." Charlie raised a hand up to his neck and then ran it through his curls.

The gesture puzzled Don; Charlie didn't have any reason to fidget. "Charlie?"

David looked from him to his brother, growing concerned. "Is there something wrong?"

Charlie shook his head, "Nope. Look, I need to get back to CalSci," he said while opening his messenger bag. "Here's the results I got for what you sent over, Don." As he tried to hand the manila folder over to his brother, Don grabbed his wrist instead and pulled him into one of the vacant conference rooms with David following.

"Now, what's going on?"

Charlie sighed. "It's nothing. I just stopped by to talk with him about the case. About how it affected me and to thank him for his help in getting me… getting my mind back to where it's supposed to be." Charlie made a gesture with his hand in the middle of the sentence. "I… uh, I wanted to see if maybe I could return the favor. You know," Charlie looked at David and back to him before continuing, "see if I could help him get passed what happened with him."

"You mean his interest—," Don started but was interrupted by David, smiling boldly, saying 'obsession,' and he gave the other agent a quelling look as he continued, "with Ms. Parks?"

Charlie frowned slightly but nodded.

"You know, maybe the best way for him to do that is to have her talk with him. It would have been the perfect time if you hadn't said he wasn't home." Don observed, despite his own reluctance for Colby to talk with the woman, before going on to question his brother, "So, why'd you say he went surfing?"

Charlie sighed, "Because it just wouldn't have been a good idea for him today. I'm sure he can speak with her later." He shrugged and then made to move to exit the room, "I really do have to get back to my office—."

Don grabbed his brother's shoulder this time, "Charlie, what aren't you telling me?"

Charlie had never been very good at hiding things from him and, by the way he was acting, there was obviously something Charlie didn't want to tell him.

"Nothing. Colby's just having an off day, that's all."

Don raised an eyebrow, tired of going in circles with his brother; if something was up with Colby, he needed to know about it. "Charlie, if you don't tell me what's going on with Colby right now, I'm going to go over there myself and find out."

Charlie exhaled a breath. "Ok, ok. Colby's… he's just… a little depressed."

Don blinked, not expecting the answer, while David asked, "What do you mean, 'a little depressed?'"

He stared at his younger brother, "Just a little depressed? You wouldn't be acting like this if that was all it was, Charlie," Don said as he started for the conference room door, set on getting his jacket before heading to the elevator, but was stopped by Charlie.

"Don, you can't go over there." His brother gave him a look, and Charlie corrected himself, "I mean, you shouldn't go over there right now."

Seeing David trying to leave as well, Charlie let go of his brother and intercepted the handsome black man.

Charlie looked back to Don, "You're his boss. He trusts you with work stuff but…." Charlie frowned, tipping his head slightly before looking to David. "And while you're his partner….

"Look… all of you are just getting back into the swing of things. I think having either of you try and talk with him about all this might be… a little awkward."

Don glared at Charlie, but couldn't argue with his brother's logic. While he wished Colby would come to him, for a variety of reasons – and not just work related ones – the younger agent wouldn't, especially if it was something personal. And, while things were better with David, Don hated to say it, the two of them still weren't back to working like the team they'd been prior to the whole spy thing.

"It's true. He's just… he's kind of at loose ends being on leave and…" Charlie hesitated and Don knew he didn't really want to hear what came next. "… Well… he's been drinking, a little."

Don watched David's expression become even more seriously concerned, "I guess you aren't just talking about a couple of beers?"

He grimaced and then sighed; Don didn't want to know that last part. If Colby was drinking, it meant that things were worse than Don had thought they were and he needed to figure out how to fix them. But how?

"This has got to be dealt with, Charlie. And if you think David and I are the wrong people to talk with him, then who do you suggest?" Don couldn't help feeling frustrated which made the question come out more defensively than it otherwise would have.

"He talked to me a little bit today." Charlie said quietly.

"You think you can get him to open up?" Don could hear David's disbelief even though he tried to cover it. Charlie wasn't someone most people went to talk to for a heart-to-heart.

"Maybe."

Don ran a hand through his own hair, discouraged with the situation. "I don't think maybe's going to cut it, Charlie."

"Look, you wouldn't have known anything was going on if I hadn't said anything." Charlie was upset now and Don couldn't do anything but nod. "I know, Charlie, but now that I do, it's my responsibility, as his boss, to do something about it."

"What are you going to do?"

Don sighed again as both David and Charlie looked at him. He almost wished Megan was still with them; she'd be able to get Colby to talk he bet.

But, there was someone else he thought could help.

"I'll call Bradford."

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

Colby was, not to put too fine a point on it, angry. He knew he shouldn't have opened the door, much less invited Charlie inside, yesterday. But he had and, even though he appreciated what Charlie had tried to do, it had only made things more complicated because… well, it had apparently caused him to be in Dr. Bradford's office. Again.

After being exonerated of treason due to his working as a triple agent, Colby had had to see him in order to get cleared to return to work at the FBI. Colby had played his part well – he'd done the job he'd been given – and the psych evaluation he'd had to endure hadn't been that bad… really. While he hadn't been difficult with the psychologist, Colby hadn't exactly talked or given away any more than he'd had to, to get back to work. Despite Bradford's obvious reluctance, it was plain to see that he felt Colby needed more than just an evaluation, the counselor had approved him.

To be honest, Colby knew he had issues and that he… needed… something, but he'd never been one for talking about needs or wants or desires or… anything. Colby was about getting things done, not standing around talking about it, and if that meant following orders, so be it. Coming from a family who were career military through and through, he'd grown up with that mentality. His team mates sometimes seemed to think of him as more brawn than brains, but Colby could think for himself and he was more intelligent and substantial than a lot of people gave him credit for.

Now, however, out of the Army, with a job in the FBI and not undercover anymore… Colby found himself struggling to blend his soldier/CID/undercover training and experience with civilian life. While he knew that the military would take him back, Colby liked his job, his coworkers and his life in LA; it's why he fought so hard to stay. And after months of work, hard work, things had finally been shifting back towards 'normal;' he was getting back to 'comfortable' with everyone and everything.

And now, life had thrown him a move that pinned him to the mat.

Bonnie Parks.

Colby had only ever obsessed about being the best soldier he could be. He'd put all of his drive, energy… passion… into being the man he believed the rest of his family wanted him to be. That he wanted them to want him to be. He went from ordinary soldier to soldier/spy to FBI/spy to just FBI. All the drive and energy he'd put into being a soldier and then undercover, was now being focused entirely on his being an FBI agent.

But to find Parks, he'd had to investigate her and Colby hadn't been at all prepared for his reaction to her – to getting out-and-out obsessed with a woman he'd never even met!

And to find her, he'd had to get Charlie to get passed his fear of having been targeted, which entailed Colby talking about being a soldier and a bit about being on the Chinese freighter with Lancer.

Despite what he'd said to Charlie about 'you can't keep it all locked inside of your head; you can't just keep going around and telling everyone you're fine.' Colby didn't want to do that, with anyone. While he hadn't had to say much, it had opened up the Pandora's Box inside him and brought up all the memories he didn't want to deal with, actions and behaviors he didn't want to be reminded of, issues he didn't want to delve into. What he'd done regarding his spying was done because it had to be done. Colby had been in a perfect position for the op and when his government had asked him, he hadn't even hesitated. There was no need for guilt, shame or excuses.

Getting right down to it, Colby supposed he could be doing something along the lines of the fictional Bruce Wayne and his alter ego, Batman. Colby had never let anything get in the way of 'the mission' before; everything he'd done in his life had been to prepare him to serve his country in whatever way benefited her. Nothing had swerved him from his goal; even the triple agent business hadn't taken him off that track.

But Bonnie Parks… she had nothing to do with serving his country. She had been a missing person, an investigative journalist, someone who brought large, difficult and charged issues to the public eye. Just another case.

Colby sighed inwardly. The point was, something had happened. Something he wasn't prepared to deal with. The combination of opening the Pandora's Box in his mind, being put on Administrative Leave and thus not being able to work, and the total obsession with Bonnie Parks had thrown him into a bit of a tailspin. A tailspin that his normal coping mechanisms weren't able to straighten out, leaving Colby floundering.

So, in a type of desperation, although he'd never been a heavy drinker – Colby had seen first hand what it could do to people and kept himself to only having a beer now and again – he'd gotten a bottle of Jack Daniels with the hopes of reaching some sort of oblivion where he could work things out in his mind. However, before he'd gotten to that point, Charlie had dropped by.

Which brought him to where he was now.

"Agent Granger."

"Dr. Bradford."

After a few minutes of Agent Granger not uttering anything other than a couple of monosyllabic answers, Dr. Bradford decided he needed to be blunt.

"Let's just cut through the bullshit here, shall we. You don't want to be here, I understand that. But you are. You're on Administrative Leave for the shooting of two suspects who, unfortunately, died. Once that's cleared, you can go back to work.

"But it you don't work with me here, I can have that Leave extended. Indefinitely."

The agent's mouth tightened further.

"I don't want to play hardball with you, Agent Granger, but I will if I have to."

When the blond remained silent, Bradford continued.

"You know that I wasn't completely satisfied when I cleared you to go back to work after that triple agent business. And now, I think some of that stuff that wasn't resolved then has come back to bite both of us in the ass."

Granger took a breath but otherwise remained still.

Bradford sighed, "If that's what you want, we can stay here, awkward silence and all, until the end of the session and I'll simply schedule you for another. And another, and another, and another." He made a kind of continuing motion with his hand while raising an eyebrow. "You sensing a pattern here?"

The agent looked away from him, closing his eyes momentarily, before than seeming to look off into the middle distance.

"I'm pretty sure Agent Eppes called me in on this because he knows I don't take any bullshit and I can be just as stubborn as him. And…." When he didn't continue, Granger looked to him warily.

Bradford's expression softened as he met Agent Granger's gaze, "He knows that all I want to do is help."

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

It had taken a little over three sessions for Colby to say anything, really. And it probably would have been longer if Don hadn't stopped by his apartment after the third appointment.

"Don." Colby was surprised and then wondered why he was because he shouldn't have been.

"Hey, Colby. Mind if I come in?" His boss asked politely but with the air of someone who wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.

He moved away from the doorway, gesturing, "Sure."

"How you doing?" Don asked as he glanced quickly around the combination living room and dining area.

Colby made an effort not to snort or be too sarcastic, "I'm thinking if I said 'fine,' you'd tell me I was bullshitting you."

Don had the audacity to smirk. "Well, I can't say you're wrong." The smirk morphed into a more serious expression. "Bradford called me about your sessions. Saying you've pretty much either been imitating a statue or responding with two or three word sentences."

Colby walked through the living and dining area and into the kitchen, Don following him. Pulling a beer from the fridge, he passed it to Don before getting a bottled water for himself; Colby didn't need his boss thinking about how much alcohol he might be going through after Charlie's obvious confession.

Leaning against the counter near the sink, Colby looked to the older man. "Don, I've never been one for talking unless I had something to say, and even then, I didn't say much."

"I know that, Colby. And from someone who doesn't like to talk about anything other than work, I understand how hard it is having to see a psych. But, I gotta be honest with you, Col." He watched as Don seemed to abort reaching out to him, instead moving the hand up to his own neck, rubbing it back and forth. "Bradford's going to recommend that you be placed on Administrative Leave until he's fairly sure you aren't going to… go off the deep end."

Colby's jaw dropped with shock, his eyes wide as he stared at his boss. "I am no where near eating my own gun, Don! Fuck, it was half a bottle of JD and being frustrated at not being able to work after a case that I let myself get too involved in!"

Don's expression and posture grew more serious, "And if you had a history of drinking hard liquor instead of just a beer every now and then, with a habit of letting things get to you, I probably wouldn't even be considering following his recommendation."

Shit, Colby thought as he opened his mouth, but Don ran right over him, "I've worked with you for almost three years, Colby and, despite all that spy stuff, I'd like to say that I think I know you a bit. You've never been anything less than put together; you're a strong individual, in spirit, mind and body and you're smart. You wouldn't hit a bottle just because of something small, which tells me that things aren't 'fine' with you."

Despite Don's faults, Colby had incredible respect for him; there were few people he admired more actually, and Don's sincerely voiced comments made it very difficult for Colby not to show the man how much they affected him.

"Regardless of what you think, Colby, I'm on your side. All I want is for you to get whatever's going on with you taken care of, as much as you possibly can. And, I think, a significant step in that direction is talking to Bradford."

Colby, his mouth a tight line, arms crossed over his chest, struggled to keep his thoughts and emotions locked down even though he felt like he was on a rollercoaster.

A few seconds passed and Don took a breath. Putting the mostly full bottle of beer on the closest counter, his boss looked at him for a moment longer before nodding and moving towards the door.

Colby stood in his kitchen for several minutes after Don left, trying to sort things out. He couldn't understand how Bradford thought he was that close to the edge. And Don? Was it his imagination or did he really see something he wanted to see in Don's eyes?

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

During the two weeks that it took for Colby's Administrative Leave to be completed, he'd had a handful of sessions with Dr. Bradford. The psychologist had (finally!) cleared him to go back to work on the condition that Colby continued seeing him. Truth was, if Bradford was seeing him that close to the edge, either the man needed his own head examined or, maybe, Colby was a hell of a lot closer to it than he ever believed.

After a few appointments where he'd actually talked, Colby felt that it might be best to keep going with them because he was… concerned… about where he might end up if he didn't.

"When we caught the murder case of Michele Kim, a Chinese interpreter, it led right to Dwayne." Colby shook his head, obviously still frustrated about the whole thing even after all these months.

He remembered going into the office that morning, having gotten a call from David about Don wanting to see him first thing. Colby knew something was up by the phrasing of the request and his coworker and friend's tone of voice; that it just had to have something to do with Dwayne. Colby's only hope had been that he could somehow salvage the situation with his job and his cover intact.

"When Don confronted me about Dwayne…"

'Your friend's bought and paid for by the Chinese government'

"… Fuck… it was all I could do not to scream at him that I knew – that someone I'd considered to be closer than a best friend – was a spy… and to leave him alone, to ignore him… and me – the spy sent in to catch him."

When Don had asked him if there had been any money exchanging hands, it was all Colby could do not to physically react as if Don had punched him.

"You have no idea how much I wanted to tell Don about Dwayne; about everything really. I'd come close a couple of times but I knew that if I did, it would have blown everything!" Colby's voice had started off strained but then went soft before rising again with a wild gesture of both hands.

Silence reigned for several seconds before the blond agent took a breath. "I probably would have given David a lot more shit for treating me like he did when I came back, if I didn't understand how that felt; if I hadn't had so much time to process it. To find out someone so close to you, who you trusted…." Colby shook his head.

A moment later, he continued, "I couldn't keep Dwayne from being investigated; I couldn't keep him from going to prison. Hell, I ended up putting myself in a position where Don didn't trust me; where Megan and David weren't sure what was going on with me.…"

Colby stood and walked over to the window. "There was nothing I could do about it without blowing my own fucking cover." He snorted, frustrated and angry. "Instead, I had to make myself look like some naïve, stupid idiot; someone who was so simple and compromised that he got himself taken off the case and sent home."

Counseling sucked. Dredging up things that had been, in one form or another, locked away in a mental box inside a closet in a dark corner of the mind, was just asking for things to go tits up.

That night, Colby had sat in his apartment, television and all the lights off, drinking a beer. It definitely wasn't enough but he had work tomorrow and he did not want Don thinking he was any closer to that 'deep end' than he or the psychologist already thought he was.

What Colby hadn't told Bradford was that, after Don had suspended him and sent him home during that case, he'd been so… messed up about the situation that he had spent nearly an hour in the bathroom, vomiting until all that was left was bile and then just dry heaving. When he'd finally been able to get himself under control, Colby had immediately called Michael Kirkland to give him a status report.

Needless to say, Michael had been suitably displeased and frustrated with the situation but understood that Colby had been between a rock and a hard place with regards to the entire thing. It was Colby who had suggested that maybe Dwayne would give them information on his handler if he was put in prison and, if not, at least it would give some cooling off time for him at work; to make sure his cover hadn't been blown, as well as for them to form some contingency plans – what would they do if Dwayne didn't give up his handler? What would said handler do while Dwayne was incarcerated? Would the handler actually contact Colby in the hopes of using him to get his intel?

Sleep did not come easily that night, not that it had since Colby had linked Dwayne to the FBI case, but that night was even worse. Colby had kept seeing the disappointment, disgust and disbelief on Don's face and it ate at him constantly. In fact, it had never left, having only grown with Don's promise that if Colby ever did something like that again, he'd be going to jail.

The irony of it had blindsided Colby at very inconvenient times and made his time in prison all the more worse.

If he were honest with himself, it was still there actually, after all this time; continually forcing Colby to push himself harder and harder, to work at trying to erase that mental pothole from Don's mind and well as his own.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

Charlie had been the one to tell him that Bonnie Parks had come by the office on the day he'd… decided to get drunk and Colby was of mixed emotions and thoughts with regards to contacting the woman. While she'd obviously made an effort to thank him and apologize, Colby was still trying to sort out what was going on with him – not only his obsession with her but everything his sessions with Dr. Bradford were going over, bringing up.

It had only been a few months since his undercover assignment had been finished and Colby had to admit, if only to himself, that he was still trying to work through all of it. Despite the relationships with Don, David and everyone else in Los Angeles finally beginning to get back to normal, the ones with his family and various military buddies were not. There was very little media coverage about Mason Lancer and Dwayne Carter – about who and what they actually were, as their deaths had both been released – therefore, there wasn't anything really public to back up Colby's claim of having been working as an undercover triple agent, except, of course, his word and the commendations and paperwork from Washington, DC.

It was disheartening and shocking and a whole bunch of other things, to hear and to see, that those who'd raised and supported him to follow the Granger way of 'honor, duty and following orders' and those he'd fought with, who'd saved each others lives sometimes on a daily basis, who'd shared blood, sweat and tears in the bloody sandbox of the Middle East, couldn't wrap their minds around what he'd done.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

The first couple of weeks that Colby was back in the office after his Administrative Leave, things between him and the rest of his team – Don, David, Charlie, Liz if she was around – felt off and slightly uncomfortable; definitely not as bad as just after the resolution of his undercover operation but still, it was enough to make him feel out of place. While all three of the men knew he was seeing Bradford, only Don seemed to know what the sessions were about.

Charlie looked at him every day, almost as if he was expecting Colby to have cracks in him or some other precursor to going off that 'deep end' that Don had mentioned. David tried to act as if nothing had changed, but if they went to a place that served alcohol, he made sure Colby only had beer and no more than two at that. Conversations with any of them also seemed stifled, like they were afraid of triggering something, especially David, although Don seemed quite reserved around him as well, and Colby could only imagine what that meant.

He wished things could go back to the way they were, either pre-Ashby investigation, which was a complete pipe dream he knew, or, at the very least, to before the case with Parks. Colby felt like he was having to walk on eggshells all over again and he honestly didn't know how long he'd be able to endure any more of that behavior before snapping.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

"Since Dwayne didn't give up any information in prison and his handler didn't contact me, we had to put the contingency plan that Michael came up with as, pretty much, a last resort." He looked to Dr. Bradford for a moment before turning towards the windows again.

"Taylor Ashby. He wasn't exactly a legend in CID, but he was well known." Colby paused before continuing. "Ashby had begun making waves… growing paranoid… as he grew older, so CID was watching him. We used that, planted information for him to find about me, knowing that he would then put me on his 'Janus List.'

"Michael figured that if I got put in prison with Dwayne and then escaped with him, it would be perfect. Being named, by Ashby; my connections to Dwayne, it all gave Don more than enough to arrest me."

Colby struggled to maintain his calm. He needed to keep Bradford focused on what he was saying, not on how he was feeling, what he was thinking, what he wasn't trying to think about, what he wasn't saying. Colby couldn't afford to talk about prison; there was just too much there to gloss over.

"By being arrested and left to rot there," Colby endeavored to shrug casually, "Well… with no contact from anyone I'd worked with, anyone I knew really, it would look as if I was exactly what I was supposed to be – someone who'd been spying for the Chinese for two years. Someone who'd betrayed his coworkers, friends, family… his entire way of life."

And there was another area to be sidetracked.

"If we escaped together, Dwayne would most likely take me to whomever he was working for, someone we hadn't been able to find anything about."

"Lancer?" Bradford asked in a calm, quiet, yet assured voice.

Colby nodded but shied away from saying anything more about the man who'd almost killed him. At least for now. He knew that Bradford would want him to talk about what happened on the freighter, just as he would, sooner or later, ask about prison and everything else, but, as long as the psychologist didn't push for that, any of it really, Colby was going to stay as clear from it as he could.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

Colby had pretty much established a routine by now. Cases were as they had been; where the majority of his life was focused – taking standard work hours as well as chunks of supposed downtime. If those didn't drain him, his, now, once a week sessions with Bradford, certainly did. Whatever actual time off Colby could get, he strove to get out of his apartment, throwing himself into things that would lift his spirit, clear his mind and work the almost chronic tension out of his body.

He spent hours out on the water, though not necessarily surfing. Sometimes he'd just sit or lay on his board, letting the waves rock him into some type of meditative state, coming out of it when he ended up on shore or if some other surfer got too close.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

"Talking to Dwayne…. Getting him to talk… during the Ashby/Janus List case was…." Colby shook his head, standing from his chair, and moved over to the windows. "Standing, face-to-face, with Dwayne as David asked him about the Janus List and Ashby… he looked at me like I'd betrayed him. Like I was the one who'd turned his back on… on everything…." Colby shook his head again, frowning as he blinked.

"I can't figure out why he did what he did. He was one of the bravest soldiers I'd ever met, and he traded his honor and… and everything… for money. To be a spy; to sell things, ideals, he'd sworn an oath to protect…." Colby felt more than betrayed, more than utterly confused, by the entire idea of what Dwayne had done. While it gave him some understanding of what his family and other military buddies must feel towards or about him, Dwayne hadn't been in it to catch a bad guy. No, Dwayne had been the bad guy. And Colby couldn't even conceive of ever doing such a thing, for real. Especially for money.

"How or why he believed that we wouldn't be parting ways at some point…." Colby looked to Bradford before turning back to stare out the window. "I'm not that good of an actor; there were lots of things that I got or did wrong when I was undercover, but Dwayne and I had logged some serious time together, both before going overseas and during our tour in Afghanistan – before and after I knew he was a spy – and… he… he didn't notice anything…."

"Maybe you were better than you thought, or he was worse than you believed, or… he just didn't care." Bradford voiced.

Colby shook his head, no closer to an answer now than he had been months earlier.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

Since the night that Don had stopped by those couple of months ago, Colby had tried to keep a weather eye on him. While he'd caught Don giving him a few unexplained looks, whatever Colby had thought he'd seen in Don's eyes that night must have been his imagination. Despite Colby wishing otherwise, Don had decided to turn to whatever woman he was interested in, for whatever he was looking. If his boss did like guys, it was obvious that Colby wasn't whatever Don needed or wanted.

As the office rumor mill began talking about Don's latest relationship escapade, Colby decided he needed to let that particular train of want and thought go its own way and set his focus elsewhere.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

Colby finally called Bonnie Parks and arranged to meet her at a coffee shop relatively close to her condo. He told himself it was because he hated leaving things undone but another part of him brought up Don and his resolution to move on.

Even dressed casually, Colby still found himself completely taken with the woman. As she approached the table, he stood and extended his hand. "Ms. Parks."

"Agent Granger, it's good to finally be able to speak with you." She smiled, setting her purse on the chair next to the one she put her light jacket on. "Would you mind if I got some coffee first?"

Colby shook his head, "No, be my guest." She smiled again and he watched her turn and head towards the counter at the front of the shop.

Moments later, she was back and sitting at the table.

Before the silence lengthened, Bonnie looked up to meet Colby's gaze.

"I just really wanted to thank you, for everything you did. Especially for… finding me."

"It's what we do." He was going to leave it at that but finally added, "I'm just glad we found you before it was too late."

Bonnie tilted her head slightly, giving Colby a searching look and he had to fight himself to hold her gaze, hoping he wasn't giving anything away, even though, for some reason, he felt transparent to her.

"No. I don't think it was just a job for you, Agent Granger, unless you get that involved with every case." Bonnie took a sip of her coffee. "I've had some time to go over things in my mind and… if that's true, I can't see you lasting very long because, becoming that involved… not maintaining that professional distance… it would tear you apart sooner or later with the types of cases you must see on a daily basis."

Before Colby could say anything to defend himself, Bonnie smiled slightly and went on. "I'm assuming that it was you who went through my tapes." She chuckled at his expression. "I had them in a specific order that wasn't readily identifiable." Bonnie went serious, "And when you came in… and the way you cut me loose…. There was just something so… personal about it."

Colby couldn't help the blush of embarrassment that stole over his face and cleared his throat, looking away.

Bonnie took a moment to take a long drink of the coffee she'd ordered; it had cooled finally.

"You impressed me." Colby said quietly but distinctly, with a slight shrug.

Bonnie met his gaze and smiled.

"You know… I did some checking of my own after, and…. You," Bonnie nodded her head slightly a couple of times, "Soldier, CID, FBI, triple agent who took down a spy in the DoJ." She spoke quietly and softly, keeping the information just between them.

Colby gave her a hard look, wondering where she'd gotten her information.

She smiled slightly, "I have my sources, Agent Granger. And…," Bonnie's smile morphed down into a bittersweet upturn of lips. "My brother had mentioned you a couple of times."

The blond blinked, he was surprised at that. Colby hadn't known Clay, but, like he'd mentioned when he and David had questioned Bonnie's boss at the news station, he had bunked with some of the 101st Airborne while in Afghanistan.

The woman continued, "He was always telling me about things that happened over there." She chuckled somewhat sadly, "Clay was the town gossip like that." Swallowing, she continued, "Who did something, whether it was a civilian or a soldier, that really helped the cause; what was really happening as opposed to what was actually being reported; who got hurt," She paused to take another mouthful of coffee. "Who got killed."

She took a breath, "I didn't place you as the Granger who was in that humvee attack until after the kidnapping though." Bonnie looked at the man across from her, "I hadn't done any active investigating regarding the FBI agent who'd been arrested for treason and then, later, given a commendation for his role in taking down Mason Lancer."

Colby had no idea how to respond to that, so he just took a drink of his own coffee.

Bonnie smiled, "So, you sort of impressed me too, Agent Granger."

Colby gave a soft chuckle and a slight smile, finally relenting. "Colby."

The woman smiled again. "Bonnie."

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

"Finding out Don still didn't trust me after nine months, was… it was hard. On the one hand, it gave me some serious insight into Don's head about how long and serious he holds onto things. On another, it made me wonder if I'd done something else to ping his radar; had my cover been compromised in some way, and if it had, how badly. And last, what I'd done up to then was nothing compared to what was going to happen if it went down like Michael thought it would."

Colby shook his head slightly, staring out the window for a few seconds. "And if that happened… well, it was going to break any bonds that were still there with Don, not to mention the rest of the team."

Looking back to Dr. Bradford, Colby took a breath before turning to face the windows again.

"I've done a lot in my life, doc. Some things were harder than others, of course, and some came with a lot of consequences, but… going undercover…." He stopped for a moment and then faced Bradford again. "The time I spent getting ready for the op and the assignment itself… it was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life, bar none.

"I had no one to back me up; there wasn't anyone I could talk with about anything regarding being undercover except Michael, and I…." Shaking his head a couple of times, Colby looked to the windows again. "I couldn't really talk with him about anything, you know? Half of my assignment was pure winging it on my part; trying to be me, yet trying to hide in plain sight. Most of the time, I was me. I was doing the job – the FBI job – but there were times, like when the investigation of Kim lead to Dwayne, when I was doing all I could to be both at the same time and still keep my head above water."

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

Finding out that Don didn't trust him, after all those months, had been akin to a physical blow. Colby had struggled to keep his reactions to himself but his bravado had lasted only until he got home that night. Despite the complete bad timing and futility of it, Colby had become very attracted to his boss. He also knew that, when he was revealed to be an undercover triple agent, anything that might have come of it would be destroyed; Don wasn't the type of person to forgive and forget. He would take the betrayal to his grave, and beyond actually.

Colby struggled with the operation, knowing that, by this time, his fate was almost guaranteed to be written in stone. That, once he was arrested, it was all over for him in the LA office. And, Colby had thought, that was almost more than he could take.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

"When David and I had to go question Dwayne during our investigation of Ashby… he was already in jail, on his last appeal… I was still hoping that he'd cooperate with us – even give us the name of his handler; if he did that, I wouldn't have to go through with the plan Michael had come up with."

Colby snorted, frowning. "A man I'd considered closer than a best friend, no matter if he was in jail for treason or not, was looking at the death penalty and I was hoping he'd break so I wouldn't have to go through with… being arrested by my team, being interrogated by them… going to jail…." Colby shook his head, eyes unfocused, staring at something only he could see.

"I'm a soldier, I know how to follow orders and I'll do anything I need to do to serve my country, obviously….

"But having to go through with all that…. I know all of that's wiped out, on paper, but I'll always have all of that inside me. There's no way I'll forget it… or be able to get away from it."

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

"You know, I'm curious. Not that I'm complaining or anything but, from everything I… learned about you… you aren't a person who lets people into your life. Why…?" Colby couldn't figure out how to end the sentence.

"Why am I letting you in?" Colby nodded. "I really don't know." Seeing the look on his face, Bonnie couldn't help but give a wry chuckle. "I know, it doesn't inspire much confidence or trust or… anything really, does it."

"To be honest, not really."

Bonnie nodded. Tilting her head and exhaling a breath she looked to Colby, who was sitting across from her at an intimate table in the corner of another coffee shop. Despite the imposed closeness of the table, she leaned even further forward, opening her mouth slightly before hesitating.

Colby and Bonnie had been getting together in various coffee shops for a handful of months and he had never known her to look or seem so uncertain. When she made no move to lean back in her chair or to say anything more, he leaned forward. "Bonnie?"

The woman exhaled another breath, letting her head fall forward slightly before looking back to him. "You're not like many people I've known." Pausing for a moment, she continued. "You remind me of my brother in a way but I know it's not because you were a soldier. I've met several of Clay's friends and none of them were like you."

Having no response to that, he simply waited for her to continue.

Bonnie gave a wry chuckle before her expression went pensive. Clearly, whatever she planned to say was very important to her and Colby felt honored that she had come to trust him so much. "I know it's not in any background check or anything because… because someone made it disappear a long time ago but…." She ducked her head before gazing cautiously around the crowded shop and then coming back and locking her eyes on him. "When I was a very young child, I was kidnapped. I've blocked out or repressed most of it I guess, because I don't remember anything but little bits and pieces of it. I don't think I was gone for very long and I don't know how it was resolved or what happened, only that I was back home again. And then, I guess, something happened and my parents decided to send me away."

Colby tried to keep his reactions to himself, maintaining his focus on her. When he continued listening, Bonnie drank some of her coffee and then continued. "All I remember is being woken up in the middle of the night and put into a car. No one told me why or what was going on and I finally fell asleep as the miles passed.

"About three years later, the people I was living with, I don't think they were any blood relation to my parents, were killed in a car accident and I was sent to live with some other people.

"That's when I met Clay actually. From the start, he called me his sister." She smiled sadly and Colby had to lay one of his hands on top of hers. Bonnie gave a very small upturn of lips. "He loved the thought of having a big sister. Someone he could talk with, who was closer to his age, about what it was like to be older. A partner in crime, a confidante," Bonnie laughed, "someone to help him cheat at English."

Colby gave a small and quiet chuckle, squeezing her hand lightly.

She swallowed, the smile dying. "Our parents died a few months before I turned twenty-three and Clay turned eighteen. He'd already gotten them to agree to him joining the Army so all we had to do was stick together until he could enlist. With the military taking care of him, I could then work my way through college.

"We wrote letters, emailed and instant messaged, along with phone and video calls whenever possible." Colby looked thoughtful while Bonnie took a large breath, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "We were all we had. He knew that what he'd chosen to do was dangerous. He knew what I'd chosen to do had the possibility of being unsafe too. But neither of us could talk the other out of our choices."

Colby felt the need to get them out of the crowded coffee shop and stood up, helping Bonnie to gather her things and then guiding her outside. A few blocks away, they came to a park and Colby moved them to sit on a bench.

"I wanted to become a reporter… see if I could find out what happened to my parents." They had turned almost sideways to be able to see each other better and Colby could see the sadness in her eyes. "For years, I tried to find them, but…." Bonnie shook her head and Colby felt compelled to pull her into an embrace. It was now completely clear to him why this woman found it hard to let people into her life; she'd simply lost too many of those she cared for and, no matter how illogical it was, Bonnie was trying to keep herself from being hurt any more by keeping people at a distance.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

"When did you stop using computers?"

Bonnie chuckled slightly, "I was actually wondering when you'd get around to asking that."

Colby grinned, "Well, I'm asking now."

Bonnie nodded, a faraway look coming to her face before she swallowed and looked at Colby. "About four years ago, Clay called me and said that I wouldn't be able to get hold of him as often as we were used to for an indefinite period of time. Before I could ask about it, he'd gone on to say that…." She blinked her eyes and rested her head against the back of the easy chair she was in, in the relative quiet of the lounge area of one of their favorite coffee shops, talking to the ceiling, "From everything they could piece together, someone's computer had been compromised, which lead to the ambush and complete… loss… of three teams out in the field."

Raising her head back to look at Colby, she continued. "These were military encrypted computers and, while computers are secure most of the time, I just decided that I couldn't risk my conversations with Clay to compromise him – so we went back to just phone calls and snail mail."

A pause, "I decided that the research I do for my news stories is just as important, so…."

"You stopped using computers." Colby acknowledged his understanding, he'd known a couple of guys in one of those teams.

Bonnie nodded her head with agreement.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

"There was a place when Dwayne just started talking, focusing on David, and I thought he was gonna blurt out that I was a spy too. But, what he said was worse though."

'You think this guy is your friend, you can think again'

"I can't help but think that, after I was arrested, David thought exactly that same thing."

Colby exhaled, glancing out the window once more before continuing.

"Dwayne saved my life; said that that made my life his, that he owned it." Colby stopped again in an effort to get hold of his anger, frustration and everything else thinking about that life debt brought up.

"And then he… he kept… he just kept… no matter what the conversation, Dwayne always found a way of bringing that up, about his saving my life. Never let me forget that I owed him. That if it wasn't for him, I'd be dead now.

"And then he saved me again… on the freighter."

Colby didn't want to get into this but it was too late to back out now. Taking another breath, he looked to the windows again. He just couldn't say what he … needed to, not while looking at Bradford; Colby was afraid the psychologist would see more than he wanted the man to see, at least for now. "And I'll never be able to repay the debt because saving me cost him his life. And I… I resent that. I hate that, despite what he did, he turned around and saved me in the end.

"And I can't help thinking… does that wipe out all the wrong things he did? Does it somehow balance everything out?" Colby sighed, shaking his head. "I just don't know, Dr. Bradford. I don't know how to feel about this. About any of it. I don't know how to make peace with it. I don't know how…. I just…." Colby shrugged and then turned to look out the windows once more.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

"Earlier in the day, just before I got arrested, I was talking with Megan while we were on protective detail for Naomi Vaughn, the reporter that Ashby had contacted with regards to publishing his Janus List.

"She was telling me that swearing an oath to the FBI had been one of the greatest things of her life but that she was thinking it was all too complicated now, especially after her own assignment in the DoJ.

"I told her that she was probably talking to the wrong person because I came from five generations of… 'duty, honor and following orders.'" Considering how things were with him and his family at the moment, Colby had a really hard time saying that with the sense of pride and purpose that he had had for the majority of his life. The family creed came out flat, almost regretful and empty.

"Megan said there was something going on with me; that David had told her what Dwayne had said, and I could only tell her that Dwayne and I were complicated."

Colby stood from his seat and moved to look out one of the windows, thinking about what, exactly, that meant, before continuing.

"When she asked why, because he saved my life? … The only thing I could say was, 'among other things.'"

Silence reigned in the office for a few moments. Colby had to give Dr. Bradford credit for learning that, instead of talking, or at least talking right away, if he was patient enough, Colby would continue with his own thoughts, pretty much answering the unvoiced questions of the psychologist.

For some reason, Colby felt some measure of safety in those silences.

Still standing in front of the windows, looking out but not seeing anything except what was inside his head, Colby continued. "Being arrested… the look on Don's face…" He shook his head, "and David's…. And then, I was brought to the office in handcuffs and shoved into the interrogation room.

"I seriously don't know what I would have done if it had been during the day, when everyone was there. It was… it was hard enough to face Don… David and Megan."

Colby paused, swallowing before closing his eyes for a moment.

"Everything after that was… it was hell really. I don't have the words to tell you how that felt, how it… tore me up. It was all I could do to keep going, to do what needed to be done. Even while Don was interrogating me, just after I'd been arrested, I just… I didn't want to go through with the plan that Michael and I had laid out."

He took another breath, letting his head fall forward just a bit and stared towards the base of the window.

"And then David came crashing into the room. He wanted to tear me apart, piece by piece." Colby swallowed again.

"Having to lie to him about lying and being a spy… him calling me a traitor… that all I'd said about serving my country was crap. Every word just… he shoved me around a bit; I didn't resist." Colby tried to clear his throat, blinking his eyes several times to try to make the sting in them go away. "I knew that Don and Megan wouldn't let him do anything to me but… God… I really wished they had all done something.

"I could have handled the physical pain and injuries they would have given me." He paused. "It was the words and the looks that ripped me apart."

A few minutes went by, unnoticed. And then Colby's voice, filled with resolution, "But it had to be done. They had to believe everything I was telling them. I had to be put in prison with Dwayne."

And then, soft and almost fragile. "And then… I had to wait. I had to… just… wait. Hang tight until the escape."

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

The case had been really frustrating for all of them but Colby was also still processing the last session with Bradford and was more than ready for some downtime. Looking to Don, Colby seriously thought about seeing if he could get the man to go to dinner with him; he didn't really want to be alone tonight. But before he could find a way of asking that didn't sound like he was asking his boss on a date, a woman the office mill said was Don's latest, walked in and Colby could almost see Don undressing her with his eyes.

Sighing, Colby tried to give up on that front for the umpteen millionth time. It obviously hadn't worked all the previous ones and, feeling even more depressed, Colby gathered his belongs and left before he found himself watching the couple's reunion; like a dental patient using their tongue to prod a newly removed tooth, knowing it would hurt but unable to do anything else.

On his way home, Colby tried to put his attraction to his boss in perspective. Although Colby was definitely a red hot-blooded American male, most of Colby's limited intimate encounters had been female. One of the reasons things were so complicated with Dwayne was that… at one time, Colby had been attracted to the man.

Not knowing that Colby had already turned him in to CID and been asked to go undercover to find Carter's contact, Dwayne had attempted to use that attraction against Colby. He had let Dwayne think he'd seduced him into his bed and then, when Dwayne had threatened to blackmail him, Colby had 'reluctantly' helped Carter with whatever he needed. When Dwayne pulled him out of the humvee, Carter essentially gave up the blackmail angle in favor of the life debt that Colby now owed him.

Colby sighed and wished he was home already; he wanted a beer and a shower. Any time he thought of anything to do with Dwayne and him in more than an actual friendship made him feel… sullied. Hell, even the true camaraderie they had shared at one point in time had become tainted by the entire experience and Colby wanted nothing more than to wash it down the drain. But, like everything else, it never faded, it never left, never went away.

His mind automatically followed its course, like a rollercoaster unable to leave its track, and meandered into his time in prison. He shuddered. Colby knew Bradford was going to bring that up at some point in time and he had no idea what he was going to do when the psychologist did so. All he could hope was that it wouldn't be for awhile and that, when it happened, Bradford would let it go when Colby told him to.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

There were no coffee shops this time. Colby had picked Bonnie up from her condo and they'd driven out to where he usually surfed. The beach was a little cool but still comfortable and they took their shoes off, leaving them in the car. She'd just put her most recent story to bed and Don's team supposedly had the weekend off.

Hand in hand, they roamed aimlessly along the water's edge, a wave overtaking them once in a while, giving a shiver of contrast to the relatively warm sand. A mile and a half down the beach, Colby turned to face the woman who'd thrown him for a loop, watching her tilt her head to the side in a silent question.

Colby had given this a lot of thought over the last couple of weeks. While a part of him yearned for whatever relationship he thought he could have with Don, another part made him understand that he had the interest of a beautiful woman. That if he focused on her and forgot about his boss, Colby could have something really good with her.

Moving slowly, he wrapped his free hand around the back of her neck and gently pulled her to him, giving the woman in his arms time enough to tell him that she didn't want this.

Their mouths met in an almost chaste kiss before morphing into something with more intent.

Colby's arms pulled Bonnie closer, holding her more firmly as her own wrapped around him. The kiss was everything he'd thought it would be with her – exactly what Bonnie was; warm, caring, compassionate, understanding. It was exactly what he wanted… and a lot of what he needed.

The kiss, the warm and passionate embrace, continued; the sun setting, marking the moments.

Being in the Army and then working as a spy while being an agent in the very active Major Crime Unit of the Los Angeles office left little time for a private life, let alone an intimate partner; however, few of Colby's relationships were as pleasurable as this one. Bonnie may have lacked experience with being intimate but she made up for it with pure tenderness, enthusiasm, passion and talent.

Bodies tangled together, they lay, spent, in each other's arms. Enveloped in comfortable silence, Colby continued to caress Bonnie where ever he could touch, leaning forward now and again to nuzzle her hair or place a kiss on the top of her head or on her temple. Her head rested on his nearest shoulder, one hand roving up and down his torso in soothing strokes giving him her own kisses at irregular intervals.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so content really.

As time passed, they slept.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

Bradford knew that Agent Granger had a lot of things to work out regarding his triple agent op and he didn't want to push too hard or fast now. However, Bradford also knew that there were two areas the former soldier was glossing over – subconsciously or definitely knowingly, it didn't matter – and while the counselor could hypothesize a lot of reasons, he could only help Colby if the man told him about them.

"Colby, you've pretty much avoided talking about your time in prison. I'd like to know what happened while you were there."

And just as Bradford figured, Colby's eyes shuttered and his body tensed enough for the counselor to actually see it this time, unlike all the other times when the agent attempted to hide his reactions.

"Really nothing to talk about, doc."

"You spent five weeks in prison, Colby. Whether people want to acknowledge it or not, lots of things happen in there. I can only imagine what it was like for you – a federal law enforcement officer, former military, accused of treason, who, in reality, was an undercover triple agent."

"You can imagine all you want, doc. Some of it could be close to the truth, some of it could be complete bullshit, but it's not something I'm gonna talk about."

"Why?"

"Because it's something over and done with. It can't be changed. It was something I had to do."

"And I didn't let that answer get in our way of everything else we've talked about. What makes you think I'll let it stand for this?"

"Doc, just leave it alone."

"You know, you didn't only have a psych eval before you were reinstated to the FBI, you also had a complete physical. And, since the video of what happened on the freighter didn't include any 'physical' violence, I can only assume—"

"I said, leave it alone, doc." While Colby's body was tense and seemed primed for a fight, his eyes were telling the psychologist that Colby was ready to run. "Please."

Dr. Bradford sighed but spoke gently. "Colby, I can only help you if you let me." Some of the tension left Colby's body, but he could see the man trembling ever so slightly. "You might think all of that's in the past and over and done with but, just like the rest of it, it's going to come back and bite you in the ass."

"And if it does, I'll deal with it. But I'm not going to now." The blond was adamant and the counselor knew that if he pushed, Colby would shut down completely, perhaps even bolt.

Bradford looked at the man in front of him for several seconds before nodding his head and then shaking it once. "Alright. If that's the way you want it. But I just want to say, to let you know, that I'll be here for you when you need to talk about it. We clear?"

Colby nodded.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

As the months passed, life went on. He and Bonnie made time for each other as much as possible and Colby found himself more satisfied with life than he had been for a long while. The sessions with Bradford continued but it seemed as if things were building up to something, either the psychologist trying to get him to talk about his time in prison or maybe even the freighter.

Colby tried to take each day at a time, focus on healing all those wounds that weren't physical and to just do the best with what he had.

He hoped it was enough.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

"Agent Eppes, Agent Sinclair," the woman nodded to both of them, "I was wondering if Agent Granger was available to speak with for a moment."

"Colby?" David turned to look into one of the A/V rooms where his partner and Matt Li were, still going over some CCTV footage for their latest investigation.

Getting a small nod from Don, David replied, "I'll get him for you."

"Hey, Granger, you got a visitor."

David's voice broke Colby's concentration as well as his train of thought. Turning to glance at his partner, he happened to catch sight of Bonnie.

Before Colby had a chance to ask anything, Matt frowned with thought. "Hey, isn't that the woman you guys were looking a few months back?"

David smiled, "Uh huh. She's Colby's very own personal obsession." He chuckled slightly as Colby glared at him and Matt raised his eyebrows.

The tech looked back to Colby but then turned back to the monitor they'd been working on.

Colby ignored them as he bought himself time to pull himself together by double checking the information he'd written down just before David had interrupted them and then marking his stopping place in the video. Standing, he moved passed the other two, making his way out to where Don and his still unknown girlfriend were standing.

While things were pretty much back to normal at the office, Colby hadn't told anyone about his actually getting together with Bonnie. He knew he was the butt of a few jokes with regards to his personal life and Colby really didn't want to deal with any of that with regards to this woman. She was too important for the macho, immature male bullshit of the office and he also didn't want to have to deal with David's ribbing him if he found out Colby was actually dating someone on a regular basis.

He felt both David and Don watching him with semi-amused looks; however, before things could get awkward, Don's phone rang and Matt captured David's attention. With their interest off him, Colby placed a hand on Bonnie's back and moved them a few feet away.

"I was wondering if you'd care to join me for a coffee."

Colby grinned slightly. "Uh, yeah." He nodded. "We're kind of right in the middle of something right now, though—." He interrupted himself to look over at Don, motioning to the elevator, tilting his head in a silent question.

"David will call you if something comes up before you get back." Don gave a small grin, looking almost wistful for some reason.

Colby looked to the other agent and seeing the knowing smile on his partner's face, him simply nodded to them and walked to the lift with Bonnie beside him.

"I'm sorry, Colby, I know we haven't told anyone about us but I didn't want to just leave a voicemail for you." Bonnie apologized as she leaned in and kissed him after the elevator doors closed.

Colby nodded, kissing her back, a slight frown on his face, sensing her anxiety about something.

"I just got word on a source for my current story but I've got a really short time frame to meet with them. I'm going to catch a ride on a helicopter that's making a run up to San Francisco. I'll be back late tomorrow night or the next morning."

"Wouldn't it be faster to take a plane?"

Bonnie chuckled, "Actually, they're going to be dropping me off at a small airstrip on their way to San Francisco early tomorrow morning. I'll have to either rent a car or catch a chopper to get back here."

"Or, I could drive and pick you up."

"You're on a case, wouldn't Don object?"

"We all have to have downtime and, unless something urgent comes up, I still have this weekend off."

Bonnie smiled and leaned in to give him another kiss, this one full of promise. "Maybe we could take a day at a B&B up there than."

"I love the way you think."

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

Colby considered himself lucky that he had managed to go through months of sessions with Dr. Bradford without talking about the freighter. However, Colby knew from a previous appointment that the man had seen parts, if not all, of the video Lancer had recorded of his time on the boat. While that knowledge should have made things easier to talk about with Bradford – figuring that he wouldn't have to go into details or spend too much time going over the incident – it didn't really. The counselor wanted to know what Colby had been thinking… what he'd been feeling. And, while Colby remembered that, Bradford wanted to know what he was thinking and feeling now, in the present, as they talked.

The agent also realized that it was time for him to face it; to get it out in the open and hope, believe, that what he'd told Charlie all those months ago, about 'you can't keep it all locked inside of your head; you can't just keep going around and telling everyone you're fine,' would really work for him.

"On the freighter…." Colby swallowed a couple of times before continuing, "finding out that Lancer had killed Michael… I was all on my own then. The only thing I had was myself and a small hope that Don had believed me when I'd called him from the Metro and told him everything I could when I couldn't reach Michael."

Colby took a breath and held it for a moment. What he was going to say… he could only hope that Bradford didn't take it as a sign that he needed to reclassify Colby as a high-risk client again.

"I don't know how long we'd been at it but… I was utterly exhausted and, to be completely honest, I knew I wasn't going to get out alive." He looked to Bradford, trying to guess what the man was thinking before he continued, watching the psychologist's reaction. "I'd done all I could to find this guy and to keep my mouth shut as the drugs ran through me. My only regret was that Michael and I were going to, or had died, for nothing. That Lancer… and Dwayne… were going to get away, probably to set up shop somewhere else."

Colby swallowed and closed his eyes for a moment.

"By the time I heard them arrive…."

'… sound of the ship's alarm going off… "This is the FBI; shut down your engines and prepare to be boarded"…'

"… I was ready to do whatever it took to make Lancer stick that last needle in me. But then, they were there and, even if I was going to die – Don wasn't going to get to me before Lancer gave me that last injection – at least they'd take them down. And Michael and me… we'd have died for something after all."

Yes, Colby had been ready to die.

Hearing the FBI broadcast gave Colby a small surge of welcome adrenaline; the knowledge that they'd come for him, that Don had believed him, gave him an overwhelming sense of warmth. But it was too late and Colby couldn't do anything but watch Lancer stick the needle into his chest, feel the pain of it like a knife and Colby's last thought was… so this is it; this is how it ends.

As darkness enveloped him, Colby couldn't help but feel… relieved.

It was over. All of it. Everything. It was finally over.

He could let go.

To say he was surprised at waking up in the hospital would have been a colossal understatement.

And yes, Dr. Bradford had every right to feel that Colby needed a lot more than just an evaluation to return to work. But… Colby hadn't even know where to start. If someone had ordered him to go for counseling sessions right then, he wouldn't have known where to even begin; chances are, with as messed up as he was after the end of all that, Colby could very well have eaten a bullet. It was actually a blessing that no one pushed him for those appointments and that he somehow got through those first few months without giving up – in more ways than one.

Now, sitting at home, after his counseling session with Bradford and with Bonnie at her place for the night in preparation for her trip, Colby could actually see how lucky he was for surviving – not going postal or killing himself – as long as he did. He had come a long way, with and without counseling, and had a great deal to be thankful for right now. Dr. Bradford was very good at what he did and had helped Colby more than he would have ever believed any therapist could. And Bonnie, she had given him something that Colby had always searched for but never quite found. While he still had fleeting thoughts of Don now and again, Bonnie was someone he truly enjoyed being around and spending time with.

She knew he was in therapy and completely supported him doing it. He'd found himself opening up to her more than anyone else he'd ever known, except Bradford, since before his father died. And it was… a truly odd experience. While their relationship was only a few months old and he still had a long way to go before he felt he would be healthy enough to offer anyone anything long-term, Colby found himself wondering what the future held for them.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

The next morning, Colby was woken by the shrill of his cell phone.

"Colby, have you seen the news?" Don's voice was strained but steady.

The blond shook his head, still not quite awake yet, before realizing he actually had to reply out loud.

"Turn the news on."

Colby got out of bed, stumbling into his living room and grabbing the remote for his TV.

Before he knew what Don had called him for, his boss was saying "… I'm sorry, Colby."

And then he found it.

A picture of Bonnie Parks and the helicopter pilot up in the top left corner of the screen, images of the crash site in the background, while the foreground had some mixed bits of Bonnie's previous news stories scrolling by.

Only one person had known about his relationship with the investigative journalist – Colby wouldn't have even told the man if Dr. Bradford hadn't figured it out for himself – and he'd called Colby about an hour after Don had woken him Saturday morning. Given her death, the psychologist wanted to see him first thing on Monday and Colby had agreed without really agreeing, just to get off the phone. And then Colby had turned his ringer off, something he'd never done. Considering the nature of his work, he was risking someone – probably Don –come pounding on his door when he couldn't be reached.

But Colby needed some space. He needed some time to… he just needed to figure out how to deal with….

Colby spent the weekend watching anything the news showed that had to do with Bonnie. Her funeral was scheduled for Friday and he knew he'd be thinking about it all week, debating on going or simply paying his respects to her afterwards and alone.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

Colby hadn't even gotten to the office before Bradford called, reminding him of their appointment. Despite how much the psychologist had helped him, Colby just really wanted to be left alone, at least just for a couple more days… until after the funeral at least. He just needed some time to put… he just needed some space.

Unfortunately, life didn't work that way and while Colby didn't want to talk with Bradford, he also didn't want to be called in to help with an unscheduled raid either.

Colby had tried to keep his focus on the job he'd been assigned but thoughts of Bonnie kept blindsiding him despite his best attempts. He knew he should have asked to be released from his position in the raid but that would have meant explaining why and Colby wasn't there yet. However, it would have been better than being reamed out by Tim King after the engagement.

The rant seemed endless and when Colby flashed on seeing something similar that had happened to a new recruit, he flushed with embarrassment and shame, but those two emotions were shoved far down into his chest by an unexpected wave of anger.

Colby turned away from King, intent on distancing himself from the situation before he did something he'd regret, knowing that he was close to a breaking point. However, the SWAT leader wasn't about to let him get away that easily.

King grabbed his nearest shoulder, "Where do you think—"

It was all the man got out before Colby had him on the ground. He'd taken King, and all those standing close at hand, by complete surprise, but before he could punch the man more than a couple of times, Colby was already being dragged off him.

King was up and shouting at him, being held back himself by a couple of his team members when Don put himself between the two. Glaring at each of them, the man's voice was harsh with commend.

"What the hell is going on here?"

"Your boy's got a problem, Eppes, and until he fixes it, I don't want him around." King's eyes hadn't moved from Colby, who'd been restrained by a couple of agents but was making no move to get free.

As his teammates let him go, King glared at Colby. "First one's free, Granger, next one's gonna cost ya."

Colby simply turned his head away, not willing to admit he'd been way out of line or to apologize to the man who had every right to berate him for his behavior and mistakes during the raid or for decking him.

Don pulled him aside, as far away from the others as possible within the restricted area.

"Colby?" His boss' voice told Colby that he'd better have a damn good explanation ready.

The blond couldn't raise his eyes from the pavement. Not only was he embarrassed and angry with himself, he was ashamed of how he'd made Don look to everyone there.

Raising his head, Colby gave a brief glance to his boss before he looked away again. Trying to take a big breath, something that had been impossible since he'd seen the news, Colby attempted to just spit it out. However, before he was even halfway through the sentence, his eyes were stinging and he had to raise a hand up to his forehead, shielding them from view.

"I was involved with Bonnie Parks."

There was silence for a moment before a seemingly heart-felt curse was muttered and Don took a step towards him but then stopped, not coming any closer.

"How long were you two together?" The question sounded strained but Colby put it down to his agitation.

"A few months." He replied quietly, swallowing. Colby did not want to talk about this, least of all with the man who wasn't only his boss, but an unrequitable attraction.

Another curse before Colby saw movement from the corner of his eye, probably Don running a hand through his hair.

"I'm sorry, Colby. I had no idea." He could hear the sincere emotion in Don's voice.

Colby swallowed and nodded, "No one did. We didn't tell anyone." The blond wanted Don to know he hadn't been specifically left in the dark; at least, he wasn't left in the dark alone; no one knew – except Bradford, of course.

"Ok." Colby heard him take a breath and saw movement, probably Don nodding his head, "I want you to take two weeks—" he started but Colby was already confronting him.

"No! I don't need any time off." At Don's raised eyebrows, Colby had the grace to correct himself, "I mean, I'll do desk duty. I don't need time off; I need to work, Don."

Don sighed, seeing and hearing the plea from the younger man. He knew about loss and he'd done the same thing – worked – after his mother died.

"I want you to take the rest of today and all of tomorrow off. And I want you to talk to Dr. Bradford." When Colby opened his mouth, Don ran right over him, "I'll make it an order if I have to, Colby; I won't let you back if you don't."

Colby grimaced, but took a breath and continued. "I was supposed to see him first thing this morning."

Don gave him a knowing look, "But you skipped it for the raid."

Colby's head fell forward, his eyes to the street once again.

"I'll call him, give him a rundown on what happened and have him call you." He was already reaching for his cell phone. Before he hit the call button though, Don looked at him, as serious as Colby could recall at the moment. "Go home, Colby. Take some time to just…." Don sighed and shook his head once, more seemingly at himself than Colby.

As Don raised his mobile to his ear, Colby turned and headed back to the SUV he'd driven to the scene with David and Don. Taking off his gear, he was aware of others watching him. Grabbing his backpack, he moved to the driver's door, planning on putting the keys on the seat before grabbing a ride with whoever was heading back to the office.

"Get in, Colby."

David hadn't necessarily surprised him, but Colby inwardly startled. He turned to his partner and opened his mouth but David interrupted him.

"I'll drive."

Colby didn't put up a fuss; he wanted to get away from the scene as quickly as possible himself.

There was tense silence for several minutes before David's quiet voice broke it.

"How long were you two together?"

Colby felt his jaw drop slightly but then sighed. If anyone had noticed anything to do with him, it would have been David.

"A few months." He didn't even try and deny it.

"Shit, Colby. I'm sorry." David said quietly.

Colby simply nodded and then swallowed.

The rest of the ride to Colby's apartment – when he'd raised an eyebrow with regards to their destination, David had simply shrugged – was spent in weighted silence.

"It's closer." Which was a lie.

"I didn't think you should have to drive." Which was kind of code for 'given your performance earlier, you clearly have a lot on your mind and I don't want you to deal with anything else.'

Colby nodded his head, letting it go.

Arriving at his complex, he got out of the vehicle and looked back to his best friend. A few seconds of silence passed between them as they met each other's gaze before Colby nodded once again. "Thanks."

David nodded back, "Anytime, Colby, anytime. See you in a couple days."

Colby gave him an abbreviated wave as he turned to walk to his apartment, backpack slung over his left shoulder.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

Dr. Bradford was concerned how Bonnie Parks' death would affect Agent Granger, not only given that Colby was trying to cope with so much already, but especially because of Friday's session.

While the formidable blond had come a long way since the resolution of his undercover operation, and even more since they had started their weekly sessions, Bradford knew that Colby still had a long way to go. There were still things that needed to be, in medical terms, 'lanced and drained' so that the agent could put his past behind him and get on with the rest of his life. And he, they, had been well on their way to doing that, really.

But now, Colby had to deal with Bonnie's death and that was sure to throw him into another tailspin, something the man did not need right now.

Having Agent Eppes calling him on Monday morning wasn't completely unexpected; hearing about Colby's performance during and after the raid, while it concerned Bradford greatly, wasn't entirely surprising given the situation; however, having Eppes schedule himself for an appointment made Bradford raise his eyebrows slightly.

While Agent Granger seemed to have bowed to his obvious need of getting things in his life straightened out, Agent Eppes was as stubborn as anyone Bradford had ever come across. Yes, he had finally started working on his own issues, but only when they got to the point where he was like a damn pressure cooker – only coming to see Bradford when he was about ready to blow, or had blown and the PTBs wanted him cleared, as in the case of Crystal Hoyle. Eppes asking for an appointment in connection with Colby gave the psychologist pause.

A knock at his door sidetracked his thinking, however, and he didn't get back to it until things had got even more complicated.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

Over the next two months, Colby struggled with the loss of Bonnie Parks and the surreal presence of Don. While Colby had continued his sessions with Bradford, now adding 'grief counseling' into the hodgepodge mix of everything else, Don had somehow wheedled Colby into his life, or vice versa… somehow. The man checked in with him daily, at work or not, making Colby feel, by turns, overwhelmed and uncomfortable or touched but confused.

Despite Don having gotten back together with Robin, the man made sure to bring him to dinners at the Craftsman as well as time spent with Don's family and their friends/coworkers. There were rushed lunches that happened out of the office; catching a game now and then either at a local sports bar or at someone's home. Then there were the quiet times when Colby surfed and Don would be there on the shore.

Colby really didn't know what to make of it, especially because he was supposed to be in a relationship with Robin, but Don would tell him nothing besides the fact that he'd been through losing someone – his mother – and wanted to make sure Colby got the support that he needed, even if Colby kept telling him that he didn't need it.

There were some heavy cases, one after the other, that seemed to stress them more than usual and then… Charlie was arrested and his clearance was rescinded. Colby felt guilty at being glad that Don now had a lot more on his mind than Colby's continuing sessions with Bradford and Bonnie's death.

When Edgerton stopped by and offered his help with the investigation of the two rock climbers and the missing diamonds, it was a decidedly fun thing to watch him and Nikki getting to know each other. Edgerton, a force to be reckoned with and Nikki, the immovable object – at least from the little he knew about his new partner – Colby could just see how those two would mix.

He smiled inwardly, something he hadn't seemed to be doing much of lately, and made a note to keep an eye on them.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

Colby was… seriously off his game during the case that involved Lynn Potter. And having McGowan grilling all of them – about Don, not Charlie – when the professor was trying to get his clearance back didn't help matters.

Lynn Potter was a really bad mirage of the woman Colby truly wanted. She may have given him a 'bad girl' sister-type version feeling to the one he had had when around Bonnie, but Lynn wasn't her, that was for damn sure. Despite that, Colby let himself be seduced by the woman; he'd gone to her place, alone, to question her, and then he'd fallen into her bed. He'd let the memories of Bonnie superimpose themselves over and then be desecrated by a woman who had played him almost as well as Dwayne.

When he'd all but confessed to David about sleeping with Potter, Colby had known that he'd screwed up big time. And he had nothing to blame it on this time except pure bad judgment, despite the fact that it was brought on by grief, loneliness, stress and just… being messed up overall. As the case progressed, his best friend's interactions with him were filled with disappointment and disbelief and Colby wondered, perhaps for the very first time, what the fuck was wrong with him.

While Colby hadn't officially attended Bonnie's funeral, he had been at the graveside service. Far enough away that it looked like he was there visiting someone else's grave but close enough to hear some of it, as well as see who had come to bid her farewell.

Not long after confessing to David, Colby found himself at Bonnie's graveside. He sank to the ground, pulling in and crossing his legs. Despite them not knowing each other for long, he knew that they'd shared something special… and that he missed it just as much as he missed her and his father. And that he'd fucked it all up with Potter.

He'd spent hours near his father's grave, talking himself through problems or just sitting there in silence. It was cold comfort but, it was all he had some times. And now, he found himself doing the same with her.

"I don't know what's wrong with me, Bonnie. It's like I'm constantly making wrong decisions nowdays. Some times everything just seems so messed up that I don't even know what direction I'm supposed to be facing, or traveling in anymore."

Colby sighed, leaning his head back on his neck and looking to the sky. "Hell, with as messed up as I am, I can't believe that Bradford hasn't called Don and told him to suspend me, or something. Or that you didn't drop me like a hot potato."

He gave a slight snort, "You know… sometimes I think being a spy was easier than the aftermath of all of it. And… I know that being a soldier was. Yeah, I had to think just as much as I do now but, most of it was just plain following orders." Colby thought for a moment. "Maybe I should go back to the military; everything, overall, was so much easier there.

"Or, at least it seems so now. But I guess that's the twenty twenty hindsight thing or the grass is always greener coming into play."

Colby took a huge breath, filling his lungs as full as he could, holding it momentarily before letting it out slowly. His eyes stung and he struggled to keep his composure.

"Fuck, Bonnie. I don't know what the hell's wrong with me. I have no idea why I did what I did with Potter. Yeah, she was pretty and there was something about her that…." Colby shook his head, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes. "Damnit. It just… everything is so fucking messed up. Things… things felt like they were getting better, like I was getting things sorted out and now…." Colby swallowed and wiped his eyes one more time before hunching over slightly. "I miss you, Bonnie. God, I miss you so much."

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

When Colby confessed to Bradford the next day about having sex with Potter, the psychologist considered suspending him and recommending he take a mandatory vacation. While that train of thought had merit, Colby was too high strung to stay at home for a vacation and, frankly, Bradford thought that putting the man on vacation during this time in his life, without some type of chaperone or support network, would have been akin to telling him to go ahead and commit suicide.

While Agent Granger wouldn't actively take his own life, he would certainly participate in some behaviors, consciously or not, that would more than likely get him killed. If Bradford thought he could get away with it, he'd send Granger and Eppes on vacation together – Colby had still not reconciled with his family or many of his military buddies – because Don would make sure that Granger didn't kill himself and Colby, with his respect for Don, would do his best to listen to Eppes.

Also, forcing Don to take care of Colby would also require Eppes to take care of himself.

He shook his head, flashing on Don's latest session with him.

"Robin's been a bit off lately."

"Robin?"

"Yeah, we got back together not too long ago but this thing with Colby… I really want him to know that he's got the support he needs after… losing Bonnie." There was a pause before he continued, "I went through it with my mom and… while her… death was a relatively slow process… it's a tough thing… you know."

"You've been spending a lot of time supporting Colby?" Don nodded slightly, looking somewhat preoccupied. "It's great that you're helping him through this, Don, but Colby's a big guy. I'm sure he doesn't expect you to give up the time you have to spend with Robin, or the rest of your family, to coddle him."

"Robin understands, and I'm not coddling him. And I am spending time with Dad and Charlie; I just bring Colby with me when I go there for dinner. Sometimes Robin's able to join us, but most of the time she heads back to her place for something quieter."

….

"Colby's a really good surfer actually."

"You've gone surfing with him?" Bradford hadn't taken Eppes to be someone who surfed.

Don shook his head, "Naw, I just hang out on shore. Colby's been pushing himself too much at the office and I told him to take it easy." Don tilted his head slightly, "He hasn't been listening so… I swing by his place when I can and essentially order him to take some time."

Bradford had basically raised both eyebrows at the man, who wasn't looking at him.

And then he blinked. Don and Colby. Colby and Don. The man slapped a hand to his forehead. "Fuck. How in the hell did I not put that together before now?"

Despite Colby's military family and background, Granger was a surprisingly gentle and vulnerable soul. Whoever he decided to be with needed to give him their complete attention and, while he needed to be loved, Colby also needed someone to take care of.

Don needed to be loved, wholeheartedly – almost worshipped, considering his self-confidence issues of growing up beside his genius brother – something Colby would be able to do in his sleep, Bradford bet, given Colby's inability to hold anything in reserve when committing himself to something. But Don also needed someone who was resilient enough to deal with his head-strong and stubborn personality.

Putting Colby and Don together could be one of the best things Bradford had done in his life. Or, if everything went to hell, the worst.

"Now… how do I do it?" Bradford voiced aloud in his empty office.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

Colby figured he had to try and straighten out the mess he'd made of the investigation, at least where Potter was concerned, and that night, despite David telling him to stay away from the woman, Colby called and asked her to meet him at the restaurant just outside of her condo complex.

He should have known that things wouldn't go as he wanted them to. For one, he was far too angry with himself to be anything other than rude and two, Colby didn't really know where Potter stood. Her attitude towards law enforcement officers could have been a direct product of her days being a hooker as well as a CI for Officer Low, but Potter had also lied to him from the beginning. She had known Low and she'd been holding something for him, something that had eventually gotten him killed.

Getting the call from David while he was trying to get Potter to listen to him was just icing on the cake.

She was already at her vehicle when he caught up with her and she slipped into the driver's seat, intent on closing the door when he grabbed it.

'I was holding onto the file as a favor. I may have broke it off with Low, but I still cared about him. You want it, fine, take the damn thing. Just let me go.'

Potter leaned over and down, grabbing something from under the front passenger seat and then shoved it at him. Before he could register the slim manila folder he'd instinctively taken, she was sticking the key in the ignition and turning it, attempting to close the door while he was distracted with the file.

The explosion threw him backwards several feet and all he saw before pain and darkness engulfed him was Potter, obviously dead, still in the driver's seat in the burning vehicle.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

Don had planned on spending the night with Robin, not because he needed to apologize to her for spending so much time with Colby, but because he wanted to. At least, that's what he kept telling himself. But thoughts of his blonde subordinate kept intruding and when David called and told him there had been an explosion and Colby was on his way to the hospital, it was all Don needed to hear to grab his things, tell Robin he was sorry – for the interruption or everything in general, he wasn't quite certain – and jump into his SUV.

Don arrived in record time, having used his lights and siren, parked a bit haphazardly and ran into the ER. David wasn't there, having to stay at the crime scene until someone could cover him, so Don didn't have anyone to question except for the medical personnel, who would, he was sure, not tell him much, if anything, at this time. He checked in at the desk anyhow.

"One of my team was just brought in from an explosion," Don said, already showing his badge, "Agent Colby Granger?"

The man at the desk typed something into his computer and paused, waiting a moment for the information. "He's still being evaluated." Then he handed Don a clipboard with some forms. "We need as much information on him as possible; if you could fill these out Agent Eppes."

"You should have most of this on file, he's been here before." Don didn't say 'too many times' but it seemed to have come across to the administrator.

"Then please update whatever needs it since his last visit." When Don made to say something else, the man interrupted him, "I'm sorry, Agent Eppes, but I can't give you any additional information. If your coworker was caught in an explosion, I'm sure the doctors are much more concerned with caring for him instead of filing out the evaluation forms at the moment. Someone will be with you when they can."

Don nodded his head shortly. It wasn't the desk clerk's fault for not knowing anything. With a huff, Don found a seat and began filling out the paperwork he'd been give.

By the time David arrived, Don had taken care of the forms, had had two cups of vending machine coffee and suitably driven all the others in the waiting room to the other side of the area with his pacing. He was strung as taught as a bow and radiating tension even more.

When he saw David, all of it found a target.

"What the hell happened?"

Just by the other agent's posture, Don knew something was off and before David could open his mouth, Don was already giving him an order.

"I want it all, David."

When the black man grimaced, Don knew he'd called it and spent the next fifteen minutes listening to Colby's partner explain.

To say that Don was disappointed in Colby, as well as David, was a given, would have been sarcastic. His frustration with David was entirely unreasonable because the agent was not Colby's keeper. And his being upset with Colby was a mishmash of professional and very personal reasons.

While David waited, Don went outside for some fresh air, needing the openness and… safety of the parking lot.

Damnit! He hadn't spent the last couple of months supporting Colby through the loss of Bonnie Parks for the man to simply fall into bed with any woman he met.

Don sighed; that wasn't fair to Colby. Obviously he wasn't dealing well with things lately. While Don got reports from Bradford with regards to Colby's sessions, they were pretty generic really. And while he also believed that Colby had enjoyed his presence during this time, despite the blonde's telling him that he didn't want Don forgoing his other relationships or sacrificing his own downtime to babysit him, it obviously didn't take care of some of Colby's needs.

Like the need for a warm body to lose himself in when the loneliness or longing for comfort and touch got to be overwhelming. Don ran a hand through his hair; he would have given that to Colby too, if Colby had just asked for it… had given him any sign whatsoever that he would accept it, that he wanted it.

*~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~* *~*N3*~*

A few hours had passed but Colby was in ICU now allowed one visitor at a time for short periods. Thankfully, Colby hadn't been hurt as much as he could have, but he was going to be a lot of pain for awhile. His entire back was severely bruised from the impact with the car and he had a concussion. While he'd been found unconscious near the explosion, he'd woken for brief periods of time since, which encouraged the doctors.

All Don could think, however, was that Colby was again in the hospital and the man wasn't a cat. Sooner or later, he was going to run out of luck and, considering his reaction over the whole thing, Don really needed to talk to the man.

He sighed and then took a breath, squaring his shoulders and walked into Colby's cubicle.

Don didn't know if Colby was just dozing or actually asleep but he approached somewhat quietly and stood at the bedside. Colby's eyes opened and he looked over to him.

"Don," the man's voice was soft.

"Hey, Colb. How are you feeling?" An inane question but something people asked all the time.

Colby huffed slightly, not enough energy to make it a snort.

"Pain meds are kicking my ass." Voice still soft and a little slurred, Colby's eyes were only half open.

"I bet." Don nodded.

The blonde swallowed, "I'm sorry."

Don frowned slightly.

"I haven't been me… for a long time and I… I just keep fucking up." Colby's eyes looked suspiciously bright.

Don bent over the side rail, taking Colby's closest hand in his, "Hey, you've been dealing with a lot, Colby, I get that."

Colby moved his head very slightly from side to side, grimacing, as a lone tear leaked out of the corner of the eye closest to Don. "I… I…."

Without letting go of Colby's hand, Don used his other to grab a kleenex from the over the bed table and used it to dry the tear. The gesture seemed to get to the man in the bed and several more followed.

"Don… I just… I can't…."

"Ssshhh. It's gonna be fine, Colby. Everything's going to be fine. You and I'll take some time off; we'll get you back on you're feet again and then we'll work on everything else."

Colby blinked and swallowed, "That could take awhile, Don. A long while."

Don stared Colby right in the eyes, "Doesn't matter, Colby. We'll deal with it, together."

A couple more tears ran down the side of his face and Colby closed his eyes as Don wiped them away. Looking back to him, Colby took a couple of breaths, watching… searching Don's face.

And then he nodded.

*~*end*~*

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