A/N: Okay, so this is kind of a follow-up to something I wrote way back in September 2003! I suddenly got a review on 'Three Vamps, and Slayer, and a Bloody Mess', a pointless piece of fiction that was an entirely silly parody kind of a thing that I wrote on a sugar high. So, I re-read it, and suddenly I felt compelled to write more! (I blame the sugar!)
Disclaimer: Joss owns the characters, I'm just borrowing them, and making fun of them a little too!
NOTE: This story is not supposed to offend anyone, or in any way seriously insult Joss, his characters, readers, writers, or anyone. It was written for fun and should be read the same way. If you don't like it, stop reading. If you like it, you can review, what I don't expect it!WARNINGS: Contains talk of sex and various sexualities. Contains character death. If these things bother you please stop reading now!
A SEXTET OF SCOOBIES
WILLOW: Oh Goddess! I'm just so confused!
XANDER: Hey Will, what's up?
(Willow kisses Xander)
XANDER: Woah, what the hell?
WILLOW: I'm sorry Xander, I'm just so confused! I can't decide if I'm gay or straight!
XANDER: Well, did kissing me help?
WILLOW: Not really, I mean, it felt good but you act like such a girl sometimes I'm still not sure which gender I like better...
(Enter Dawn)
DAWN: What about me? You could kiss me! Nobody ever pays me any attention!
WILLOW: (not seeing Dawn at all) Do you hear something?
XANDER: (also not seeing Dawn at all) No, well… no.
DAWN: It's me, sweet little Dawnie!
XANDER: (still not seeing Dawn at all) Now you mention, there is kind of a weird whiney sound...
WILLOW: (yeah, you guessed it! not seeing Dawn at all) I wonder what that is?
DAWN: Its me! Please pay me some attention!
WILLOW: (you get the idea now, right?) Maybe if we ignore it, it'll go away?
DAWN: No! You should go away, not me. Get out, get out, get out!
XANDER: (as before...) Okay, now I definitely don't hear anything. Maybe we imagined it?
DAWN: I'll teach you to ignore me!
WILLOW: (same again) Ow! Someone just stole my earrings right out of my ears!
XANDER: (and again) And my wallet right out of my pocket!
WILLOW: (one more time) I wonder who the thief is that would do that?
DAWN: Ha ha! Now I got your attention!
XANDER: (again for luck) Hold on a sec, who were we talking about?
WILLOW: (final time) Oh, I can't remember...
DAWN: Noooo!!!
(Dawns stomps away)
WILLOW: This isn't helping, Xander, I still don't know if I'm really gay or straight!
XANDER: Life was so much simpler when you just liked computers.
(Enter Anya)
ANYA: Computers are complicated, and though they help with the day to day running of business and money making, I would really much rather have sex.
WILLOW: Yes, see, that makes so much sense! I only wasted time with computers til I got a boyfriend, and then a girlfriend, and then another girlfriend… Oh I'm so confused!
ANYA: Maybe something evil is playing with your mind and therefore confusing you about your sexuality. It's probably bunnies! Bunnies are evil, way more evil than any demons, even me, and I was a very bad demon for a long time! Bunnies! Bunnies! It must be Bunnies!!!
XANDER: Enough Ahn (turns to Willow) Maybe you could do a spell to figure out who you really want to be with, Will?
WILLOW: A spell? Oh Goddess! Why didn't I think of that?!
ANYA: Because your brain is all distracted thinking of sex with both men and women. Personally, I prefer only men, as they are much better at playing shiver me timbers – Xander, let's go play now!
(Exit Xander and Anya together)
WILLOW: Okay, time for a spell… Powers of light, good and pure, and darkness, black and thick, tell me if my destined one should have boobs or a d…
(Enter Tara)
TARA: Willow! I-I-I've been l-l-l-looking everywhere for you, s-s-sweetie!
WILLOW: Tara! Oh Goddess, I was just trying to decide who I want more, you or Oz, and I'm so confused, and my spell just went all kablooey.
TARA: Oh, well, y-y-you p-p-probably shouldn't be d-d-doing a spell anyway. You're so un-unattractive with th-those veins and the b-b-black hair, nobody w-w-would sleep with you anyway!
WILLOW: You're so right, Tara! Except Oz is a werewolf when a kind of dark magic takes him over so maybe he'd like veiny me.
OZ: I really don't think that I would.
WILLOW: Oh, okay… so, no spells, and no computers, so that just leaves me with my confused sexual preference, and how can I be interesting if I'm not a lesbian computer geek witch?
OZ: Good point.
TARA: I-I-I agree.
(Silence - everyone looks around, wonders what to say)
OZ: Y'know It's really a shame that you're gay, Tara, otherwise I think you and I could…
TARA: I–I-I could be str-straight. This is f-f-fan f-f-fiction after all.
OZ: Oh, yeah.
(Tara and Oz start making out)
WILLOW: Hey, no fair! I was just getting all decidey about who I wanted to be with and… Oh Goddess! That makes me so mad! Argh!
(Veins pop up on Willow's face, her hair goes black, she floats off the ground with lightning crackling between her hands)
(Oz and Tara are still on the floor, making out)
(Enter Kennedy, sees Dark Willow)
KENNEDY: Ooh, this is what you meant when you said you'd be scary and badass if you lost control? I like it!
DARK WILLOW: Stupid Slayer girl! You thought you could replace my dead lover? Die bitch!
(Dark Willow shoots lightning bolts from her hands at Kennedy)
([Kennedy screams and vaporises - yay!)
(Willow floats back down to ground, back to her normal red-headed self)
WILLOW: Woah, that feels so much better!
(Enter Wesley - the later Seasons of Angel version - looking around at the odd scene)
WESLEY: Willow! What on Earth happened here?
WILLOW: Wesley? Wow, look at you all sexy and… oh my Goddess! I figured it out! I belong with you, Wesley. We should get married! And I should dye my hair brown! And we could live happily ever after in a sitcom world of fun!
WESLEY: What an excellent plan, darling!
(Willow and Wesley kiss then leave together, stepping over Tara and Oz who are still making out on the floor)
WILLOW: You think they realise its a full moon tonight...?
The End