Author's Note: This is the 5th in the "Count Me In" series. If you haven't already, listen to "It's Quiet Uptown" from Hamilton (the musical). It really inspired me for this story.
"There are moments that the words don't reach
There is suffering too terrible to name
You hold your child as tight as you can
And push away the unimaginable
The moments when you're in so deep
It feels easier to just swim down" ~ "It's Quiet Uptown" from Hamilton
It had been a week.
The stars twinkled above and as Alex lay on the roof of her family's Midvale house, she couldn't bring herself to come up with her return date. J'onn had told her that she could take as much time as she needed, she definitely had the vacation and sick days accumulated for it. Plus, there was the fact that he was willing to give her extended leave if she needed. Alex had kept telling him that that wasn't necessary, but the last couple of days she'd wondered if perhaps it was necessary.
Her phone chirped and she looked over to see that it was Kara letting her know that she was on her way from the DEO. This had become their routine. At night, after dinner, Alex would climb out onto the roof and just lay or sit out there like they used to when they were younger, she'd stare up at the stars until Kara would arrive.
For the most part, everyone had been respectful of giving her space. She'd been able to tell her mother what had happened and that had helped because a time had come where she'd needed to just tell her everything. Alex had never felt so close to her mother as she had during her stay there over the last week and her mother had been surprisingly the best as far as giving her space had gone.
Kara landed with great grace and control onto the roof, she had to in order to keep from shaking the entire house or putting a hole in the roof. Her sister was always so sunny, full of a bright shining light that could never be extinguished, she went immediately to Alex to hug her before holding out something in her hand to Alex. "I brought you something."
Alex smiled at the donut that Kara had brought for her. "I'm not hungry, but thank you."
Her sister's face saddened just for a moment before she shrugged and sat down, starting to immediately eat both donuts she'd been holding onto. "Your loss."
"How are things?"
"Busy." Kara took another bite. "How about here? Eliza's not driving you crazy?"
Alex shook her head. "I don't mind the quiet."
Kara just stared at her as she chewed. She seemed to be getting increasingly confused. "But that doesn't mean you're staying here forever, right? You're coming back… J'onn's had like this permanent line across his forehead since you left," Kara explained as she motioned with her hand across her own to demonstrate its position. "It's going to stay that way if he keeps it up, I don't care what form he transforms into."
"Is he short with everyone?"
"Not really," Kara said. "But he's distant and quiet."
She'd kept her distance from everyone. Kara was pretty much the only one from National City she had regular contact with...and that was because she was her sister. J'onn had called her multiple times and she'd not picked up. She knew he was going to hope that she would say something about coming back and she just couldn't disappoint him. She'd hear it in his voice and she could picture what his face would look like. She just couldn't…
"I don't know if I can do it anymore, Kara," she whispered as she sat up. "But at the same time, I don't know if I can just be a civilian. I know too much. I know what's out there and that there's life beyond this world… How can I just push that aside to live some normal life?"
Kara just smirked at her. "You're thinking about doing the opposite that I did…"
"You were already a superhero, Kara…"
"No," Kara corrected. "I was already a Kryptonian and on Earth, I have powers… That's different, Alex. I wasn't a hero. You were the hero already. You've kept the world safe...far before me joining the team." She was quiet for a moment. "That said, whatever you decide, I'm going to be right by your side, supporting you in any way you need or want...and possibly in ways that you don't want, but I'm going to do it anyways because I'm your sister."
Alex just stared at her for a long moment and then smiled. "You are the best sister."
"I know," Kara said as she set her head on Alex's shoulder.
They were quiet for a long time, Alex just looking out. "I just can't let go of that future."
"Which part?"
"All of it."
"You haven't told any of us all of it," Kara pointed out. "And the only reason that J'onn didn't force you into debrief or psych eval was because you're you...any other agent-"
"I know," she whispered.
"You thought it was twenty-twenty-four," Kara prompted. "You thought J'onn and I were dead-"
"The world had been destroyed by Myriad. I'm fuzzy as to what Myriad was supposed to be...I think it was something that killed most people, but some survived. Survival of the fittest. Something else happened and the surface wasn't habitable to humans, that's why we were underground and thinking that we had to inject ourselves to scrub toxins from our systems." Alex just stared straight ahead as she tried to process it all. "Non had won. J'onn had died protecting me." She looked over at Kara and reached out to gently touch her cheek. "Non had killed you...and you died in my arms," Alex recounted, her voice breaking and tears welling up at the ugly thought.
"He didn't," Kara assured, as she reached up with a hand and held onto Alex's. "I'm here. It wasn't real."
"It felt real." She was quiet for a long time, just staring at Kara. "All of it." Alex looked down and then away. "And Max…"
"What about him?"
"Those feelings haven't gone away...and I was hoping they would have." Shaking her head, she closed her eyes and wondered how that was possible. "I can't stop thinking about how gentle and sweet he was to me...it wasn't just then either, it was when we were back at the DEO even after everything…"
"Alex-"
"I know it could never work, anyways," Alex cut off Kara quickly as she looked back to her sister. "He hates aliens and half of my family is comprised of two different alien species."
Kara just smiled at her a little sadly.
"And River…"
Silence.
Alex looked back to the stars. "Everytime I think about her...the little girl that I thought was mine...all I can think of is that first day you arrived dressed all in white. River reminded me so much of you. I know that she's not real. The White Martian was masquerading and brain washing us and everything, but I keep thinking that I lost her...that she's dead. That I lost this child, but she was never mine...so it doesn't make sense."
It was why she couldn't go back.
Not yet.
Not like this.
Her breathing was shaky and she looked over to Kara. "I understand everything...I know the truth and I know what happened, but that doesn't change my feelings and I don't know how to get past that…"
"Have you thought about talking to-"
"I've talked to Eliza," Alex admitted. "And I guess it helped...sort of...but it's all I can think about. I had this disconnect from her the entire time, right up until the very end when I felt like I'd finally made this bond...this connection…"
"What about Lord?"
Alex blinked a couple of times and just stared at her sister. "What?" She'd texted Max a couple of times, just to let him know that she was alive. She'd promised him that and she'd felt like she owed it to him. After all, it wasn't that much to ask for.
"I'm not too keen on the idea of you and Maxwell Lord, but he's the only other person who knows right now exactly how you feel," Kara pointed out. "In that exact situation."
Sure, J'onn had lost his daughters, but this was different. River was a memory, she'd been written into the narrative of a story that had never really existed. Alex had thought about talking to him, confiding in him what she'd felt, but she just didn't feel like it would be the same...especially given the fact that it had been a White Martian the entire time posing as River and White Martians had killed his family...his daughters… That was one of the reasons why Alex wasn't ready to go back, she'd pleaded with him to keep from killing the White Martian and she would do it again in a heartbeat...maybe she was seen as being weak or having some kind of compassion for the monsters that had destroyed the Green Martians, but Alex couldn't live with herself any other way...and was afraid that he wouldn't understand.
She didn't understand.
"Kara-"
"He's different around you...and it's weird different," Kara pointed out.
"He still wants to think we're married, Kara."
"What do you want?"
"I want things to go back to normal. I want my life to make sense. I want to be back with you and J'onn. I want that purpose back in my life…" Alex was so filled with frustration, she supposed at this point, she'd do anything.
"You could have that, J'onn's just waiting for you to be ready," Kara reminded.
And she knew that.
She was the one holding herself back.
"I can't bring myself to say that I'm ready," Alex admitted, clearly upset with herself. "I don't know if I can look at J'onn." She was getting herself upset at the thought of losing J'onn J'onzz from her life. She looked away from Kara.
The silence filled in the gaps.
"Tell me what's really wrong?" Kara whispered. "What's really eating you away? You know you can talk to me… I know you haven't talked to Eliza about this because she would have figured something out."
She was right.
Her sister knew her, just as she knew her sister.
"The White Martians killed the Green Martians...slaughtered them...killed J'onn's family and I-"
"You did what I would have done, Alex," Kara said quickly. "I would have made him stop, but you spoke first." She was quiet for a moment. "I'll admit, if it were me...and I were attacked by the White Martian, if I'd seen who she was disguised as...it would have made me just as angry as J'onn and I would have had a hard time stopping too."
"I can't stop thinking of it as this little girl..." Alex sucked in a deep breath. "And maybe I'm worried about the psych eval…"
"Alex, please...just talk to J'onn. Talk to J'onn and talk to Max...I can't believe I just said that, but talk to him," Kara encouraged. "It's just talking...if it doesn't help, then at least you tried, right?"
Kara was right.
"J'onn would come here right now if you wanted," Kara said gently. "He has that nifty flying power...like your favorite person in the world." Kara wrapped her arms around her sister and squeezed her. Alex held onto Kara. She was right, Kara was her favorite. "He'd seriously come right now… Benanti can totally run things...Vasquez keeps them all in line...it would work."
Alex smiled at that. "Are you afraid that I need a buffer or I won't talk to him?"
Kara pulled back and looked directly at her sister. "I know how you are, Alex. You don't like to look weak...and this isn't weak, but I know that you especially try to put on the brave face for J'onn and I…but you don't have to. We're your family and we're going to love you no matter what. We just want you to come back to the DEO...if that's what you want."
"But I don't know for sure if that's really what I want."
"So, talk to J'onn."
Alex had a feeling that this wasn't going to stop until they just all had a pow wow. "Is he like out there...hovering and waiting?" Alex asked as she motioned off in the direction of National City. She would not have been surprised.
"No. I mean, unless he's stalking you...which he'd only do out of concern…"
Alex just eyed her sister for a long moment. "Have you been doing that?"
"Maybe?"
"Kara-"
"What? I miss my sister. You cannot blame me for that."
And she couldn't.
"Call him. Get him here," Alex told her sister. "I'm going to go inside...get some things and I'll meet you both down at the beach. It's getting late...Mom might actually want to go to bed without us up here on the roof."
Kara smiled. "I suppose that's true."
The wind was blowing and it was dark, but Alex had come prepared. She'd brought a flashlight, blanket, snacks, and bottled waters. She knew J'onn and Kara enough to know that they'd both want snacks, especially Kara. It was late and she just really didn't want to keep her mom up. Even though she didn't say it, she was certain that her mother was worrying about her.
As she walked down the beach, barefoot, because even though it made her feet chilly she just wasn't going to empty the bucket full of sand that accumulated in her shoes by the time she got got back to the house. She just wasn't going to do that. Somehow there'd always be a pile of sand that would somehow hide until the next time she put on her shoes. It was just a no-win situation.
Setting the light down on a rock along with the bag that held the snacks and waters, Alex pulled the blanket tightly around her as she stared up at the sky. She remembered when she was younger, the first night Kara had stayed with them...she'd run away...well, down to the beach. It had been about this time of night and her father had found her down there. Her father was always so good about that, he hadn't been mad, he'd understood. In that moment, as she stared up at the stars as she listened to the crash of the ocean onto the sandy beach, all she wished for was to be able to talk to her father...for him to understand...and have the perfect answer (because he always had one).
"Alex?"
She smiled at his voice. Alex turned around to see him standing there, changed into his human form. He was alone. She was curious more than anything. "Where's Kara?"
"I think she said something about hot chocolate and marshmallows," J'onn told her and motioned towards the house.
Alex just stood there for a moment. All reservations about J'onn or talking to him had been thrown out the window. Him being there, there was some relief in her. She could tell that he was as happy to see her as she was to see him. Crossing the distance between them, she hugged him. Normally, the two of them didn't engage in much physical contact like this (especially not in the DEO), but right now...she needed this. His hand ran up and down her back while the other tangled through her hair. He held her close and she let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. She closed her eyes and thought about how it reminded her of her father holding her all those years ago. It was such a distant memory, but whenever her dad would hug her, she'd always felt safe.
Right now, she felt safe.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes," she whispered and held onto him for a moment longer before pulling away. She looked at him, shoving her hands in her jean pockets, but keeping the blanket tucked close at the same time. "I'm just…"
"Confused?" J'onn asked. "Conflicted?"
"Complicated," Alex said. "If we're going with words that start with 'C'." That got her a small smile. "What if I don't want to come back to the DEO?" she asked, her gaze downward until the end. She had to see how he responded. He seemed to frown and tense at that question as he considered it. Alex knew that it was probably catching him off guard, but she felt it was only right to consider all options to her. She had a Ph.D. in bioengineering, she could go out there and work in a lab doing a number of things, she knew that. The thing was, working for the DEO was so much more rewarding than any of those jobs...she didn't really think she could give it up, but she still wanted to consider it.
He gave a nod before speaking. "Then I would support you. Give you the highest recommendation and help you in any way I could to get the job you would want...wherever that would be," J'onn told her calmly. He had obviously thought about it before speaking. "But I would hope that you would also consider working at the DEO in a different capacity."
That really wasn't something she had thought of, but as he said it, she knew that that was also a possibility. Alex just didn't know if she could handle not being out in the field and doing what she was used to doing, what he'd trained her to do. "I hadn't thought of that…"
"What's on your mind?"
"Are you upset with me?" she asked, but before she could get the rest out, he was interrupting her.
"No," J'onn said and seemed confused. "Why would you say that?"
"The White Martian-"
"Alex," he whispered. "I don't know how to think of what you went through except to think that it must feel confusing...and possibly like there's a hole in you."
And he was right.
Alex stared at him. She wrapped her arms around herself and looked to the side as she struggled to keep her emotions in check. "I don't know why I keep feeling like I lost this child… I know all the facts. I saw River change into the White Martian...I know what it's capable of...but all I can think of is the little girl who reminded me of Kara...and the child that I had promised to keep safe the day before you found us," Alex confessed. "And I've been sitting in my parents' house wondering all different kinds of things...thinking about what my dad would do...if there is some way, if the White Martian is really damaged genetically, if there's a way we could keep it as a child...to let it live in that way-"
"Alex-"
"I know," she said as she squeezed her eyes shut. "I know it would never work. I thought about all the pros and cons and the potential danger would just outweigh it all…"
"You had your heart in the right place," J'onn whispered.
She looked back at him. "I just wish I could forget it…"
"We learn from our past, Alex," he said.
"I knew there was something wrong...and then, I don't remember exactly when I was willing to believe it," Alex told him. She shrugged. "And now I'm wondering if I ever want a family. I never considered it. I've always felt like I've been too young to be a mother...to have a family...and I'm not saying I want to go out and do that right now, but-"
"But the DEO isn't exactly the safest job," he finished.
"My life has always been full enough between the DEO and Kara," Alex huffed. "And she's probably listening in…"
"Probably," J'onn said with a smile. "But you don't have to shoulder the world."
She just stared at him.
"And you never have to do it alone."
Alex gave a nod in acknowledgement.
"Jeremiah would be proud of you," J'onn added after the silence had stretched on and had been replaced with only the sound of the wind and the ocean.
She hoped he was right.
"I miss him."
"I know."
"But I'm glad that I have you."
"You always will, no matter what happens or what you decide."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
"Are you sure you don't want to come with me? Getting out of the house might do you some good," her mother said.
Alex just smiled at her mom. She meant well. "I just really don't feel up for it...and you know how I feel about shopping…" Alex was really one of those people who only liked to shop with a purpose and when she had a purpose it was always go in and get exactly what was on the list and get out, in the quickest way possible. Her mother, on the other hand, didn't always follow her list...and she tended to zigzag across the grocery store. Then, there was the added fact that she'd see people she knew and have to do the 'you remember my daughter, Alex, right?' and Alex would have to smile and talk to them. She just wasn't up for that.
"Are you going back to the DEO?"
She froze at that question and then sipped her coffee as she sat at the table. Alex knew that her mother wasn't stupid, Kara had been in there the night before making hot chocolate. It probably came up that J'onn was out there at the beach talking to her and then Kara probably mentioned that Alex wasn't sure about what to do.
"I don't know," Alex told her mother sincerely. "I haven't made that decision yet."
"I just want you to know, whatever you decide," her mother told her as she moved towards her. Eliza's hand rested on Alex's shoulder. "I'm going to be here, I'll support you."
"Thanks, Mom," Alex said with a smile. She really did appreciate it even though she had no idea what she was doing.
"And you can stay here as long as you like...you know that, right?"
"Yes."
"Good," Eliza said before patting Alex's shoulder and turning to pick up her purse. "I'll be back in a while. If you need me, I'll have my phone."
"I think I'm just going to sit outside for a while."
"Your father used to do that a lot," Eliza commented. "He would be proud of you, Alex. I know we don't talk about him much, but he'd be so very proud of you. You've always been so much like him."
She liked to think that everything her mother said was right.
"Okay, call me if you need something," Eliza said again before heading out.
Alex just sat there and sipped her coffee.
The wind seemed to always be blowing around the Midvale house. Alex was sitting on the bench near their house that looked out at the beach, it was a place that her father had sat with them many times. All she wanted to do was to think…
"Can I sit here?"
She looked over and frowned. She'd not expected to be interrupted.
"If you say no, I'll go away, I promise."
Alex sighed and looked ahead, she patted the empty space next to her. "I know I haven't texted-"
"I decided I needed to get away, too," Max said as he sat down next to her. "And I figured that maybe you'd be up to talking...just us…"
"You could go anywhere in the world, Max, why come here?" she asked as she turned to look at him. "I know why I'm here. It's my family's house and I just needed to be away, but I still wanted to be around family."
"Because you're here," Max told her gently. "And I don't have anyone else."
"I don't know what I'm doing yet," Alex admitted. There was no use arguing with Max. She knew that he had no parents, they'd died when he was younger. He had people, of course, because he was Maxwell Lord...but those people were hired to serve him...they weren't his family and Alex highly doubted that he really had any real friends in the world. "If that's what you're wondering."
"Neither do I."
Staring at him for a moment, she went over his meanings. "Max, you're the CEO-"
"None of that matters."
"How can you say that?"
"Are you going back to the DEO?"
"I don't know."
They just stared at each other for a few moments before Alex looked back to the ocean and huffed. It wasn't that easy. Not even for Max. They'd both been victims of the White Martian, neither one of them were immune to the effects of that mind control or that world that they'd been forced to live in.
"Do you ever think of her? As our child? As River? Not as a White Martian?" Max asked. "And miss her?"
Alex just stared ahead, focusing on a spot on the horizon. "Yes."
"Alex, if I could trade my life," Max whispered.
"She wasn't ours," Alex told him as she turned to look at him.
He reached up and touched her cheek. "You'd smile...and that would be enough."
She closed her eyes and she knew what he was saying. That reality that was bouncing around in their heads, it hadn't been real. Alex still didn't know if the feelings that she'd started to feel for him, as his wife, if they'd been real. She was confused about them, possibly the most. As his hand touched her cheek though, those feelings felt so real and so true...they were hard to deny.
"Tell me what you're thinking?"
"That it's complicated," Alex whispered as she opened her eyes to look at him. "That my feelings don't matter because you're still you, Max-"
"Alex-"
"You know that Kara and J'onn-"
"I'm not going to go after them, Alex," Max said quickly. He looked like he was almost hurt at her words. "I thought that I'd proved that by not coming out and saying anything about aliens at all when I was questioned about my disappearance…"
He'd said that he'd gone on a retreat.
She knew that.
"That doesn't change-"
"The only dabbling I'll do in anything alien will be if I'm invited to do so in cooperation with the DEO," Max promised. "There are so many other ways that I can use my company to help the world, Alex. I can shift that focus. I swear I can."
"Max, I don't even know if what I'm feeling is real," Alex put out there. "I'm confused about things besides just the two of us."
"I don't pretend to know the challenges we're facing," Max whispered. "There's no way to replace what we've lost." His hand moved to cover hers and she let him take her hand in his. "I'm not afraid. I know who I married."
Married.
That still made Alex feel weird, but she didn't pull away.
"Just let me stay here by your side?" Max asked.
Alex was quiet and realized that in the week that she'd been in Midvale, even with Kara and J'onn visiting and talking to her mom...this was the first time where she'd felt like she could go back to National City and maybe life could start to go back to normal. Max made her feel like she wasn't alone. She realized that Kara had mentioned the night before that Max was the only other person who knew exactly how she felt because of the situation and she was right. She took his hand and pulled it around her shoulders before scooting closer to him, and then dropped her head to his shoulder.
"That would be enough," Max whispered before dropping a kiss into her hair.
The End.