Lula's Surprise

"Yo," said Ranger.

"Tank likes Lula, right?"

"Sure."

"And they're sort of dating, right?"

"Babe."

"I'll take that as a yes," I said and disconnected. Ha! I hung up first!

I had the perfect Valentine's day present all planned out for Lula. See, this Christmas I had no money for anyone's presents, so I gave all my friends and family little "I.O.U" cards, telling them I'd get them presents on the next holiday, which happened to be Valentine's day. I'd already gotten everyone's gifts except for Lula's. All I had to do was to get Tank to consent. I was expecting to offer some sort of compensation, but hopefully he'd go for it pro bono.

I stared at my phone long enough to decide that talking to Tank was the last thing I wanted to do. I suppose I could always drug him, but I think that would make him mad. I sighed and picked up the phone.

"Tank here."

"Hey, um, this is Stephanie."

Silence.

"Um…are you doing anything with Lula for Valentine's day?"

More silence. "Maybe."

Yes! I got a word! "Well, you see, I wanted to give Lula a really perfect Valentine's Day gift, and well, I had an idea, and it involves you."

"I'm listening."

I told him my idea, cringing the entire time. In my head it seemed like the Greatest Idea Ever, but talking it out to a guy whose vocabulary consists of maybe seven syllables, it sounded pretty lame.

"Well?"

"No."

"Oh come on! What's so bad about it?"

I could hear his eyebrows rising.

"Okay, okay, so it's pretty embarrassing, but women love when guys do embarrassing stuff."

"No."

"Fine!" I slammed the phone down.

"Well? Is he gonna do it?" Jamie asked me. She'd just come in from a donut run. She was visiting for a while; she said she needed a break from the world and decided to hole up in a comfy apartment for a few weeks.

I rolled my eyes and took a Boston Crème. "Of course not. What was I thinking? This was a stupid idea."

"Oh come on, didn't you even threaten to tell Lula he was gay? I told you that would work," Jamie said with a grin on her face.

"I'm not going to say something like THAT to TANK. He already thinks I'm nuts."

Jamie smiled. "Aw, he likes you. He told me."

"Yeah, well, you convince him."

"I think I'll do just that." Jamie picked up the phone and dialed Tank's number.

"You listen here, BUDDY BOY, you better follow ALL of Stephanie's instructions or I'll send someone to pound the snot out of you. AND I'll tell Lula ALL of the embarrassing stuff you do when you're drunk, or I'll tell Stephanie about the tarantula—" she paused, and I could hear him cursing her over the phone. "Ha! I knew that one would get you! Perfect! So I'm gonna give the phone to Stephanie now, and you listen closely, mmkay? Here she is."

Jamie handed the phone to me, and I went over the plan once more to Tank. He grumbled and bitched a lot, but we managed to get a synchronized game plan that would leave Lula shrieking with delight.

"The plan is officially in motion," I said to Jamie.

"Perfect. Now I've gotta get to work or Ranger's gonna kill me. See ya!" Jamie skipped out of the apartment, grabbing her gun and coat on the way out.

I sighed happily and finished the donuts. After the donuts were gone I stuffed myself into some clothes and left for the bond's office. I parked a few blocks away so Lula and Connie wouldn't see my car, and then I went the back way around the office to the parking lot so I could put a note on Lula's windshield. It said to be at the bonds office at one minute past midnight – which would be one minute into Valentine's day – to get a marvelous surprise.

"Hey Stephanie, Jamie stopped by," Connie said when I came in, "I didn't know she was back in town."

"Yeah, and she even brought donuts. "Lula was sitting on the couch, digging through a box of pink and white sprinkled donuts.

"Have you got any new files for me?" I asked Connie.

"I have a couple you might go for. A first time murder and a drunk assault on a police officer."

"I'll take the drunk guy." Probably he was drunk again this morning, so all I'd have to do was coax him into the car.

"I'll come with you," Lula said, stuffing the last donut into her mouth, "I bet you'll need some muscle to get the drunk guy into the car. And by car, I mean my car, 'cause we ain't takin' no giant ass Buick."

I rolled my eyes and followed Lula outside. She saw the note on her car and glanced over at me, eyes bugged out. "You think the stalker missed? Maybe he was aiming for your car."

"What does it say?"

Lula gingerly picked up the note and scanned it. "It says I gotta come here at one minute past midnight to get some surprise. You're gonna come with me, right?" She narrowed her eyes at me.

"Sure."

"Good. Now let's go get that drunk prick."

It turned out I was right. Mr. Sheffield was as drunk as I'd predicted, and after Lula and I dropped him off at the police station, we motored back to the office to pick up the next skip.

"Oh Lordy," Lula said, looking through the front windows, "Look whose fine ass just walked in."

Ranger was in the office, taking some files from Connie. I jumped out of Lula's firebird and sauntered into the office. "Yo," I said.

"Yo yourself. Should I be asking you or Jamie why Tank is in such a pissy mood?" Ranger asked, doing the almost smile.

I made the shut up sign just as Lula walked in. "What's up, Batman?" she said to Ranger.

Ranger nodded to her, raised an eyebrow at me, and I followed him outside. "What's going on?" He asked.

"Jamie and I planned a Valentine's Day surprise for Lula."

Ranger grinned all 1000 watts. "Is this why Jamie needed a refrigerator box and three rolls of red wrapping paper?"

"Yup."

He shook his head. "Babe."

After chasing skips all day with Lula and then a catastrophic dinner with my family, Jamie and I decided to call it a night and head home.

"So Lula's gonna pick you up at midnight, right?" Jamie asked.

"Yup."

"I'm coming too. We have to make sure her surprise isn't a bomb or anything, and I'm trained for that."

"Did Ranger really train you how to pick out bombs?"

She laughed. "Yeah. I know everything there is about bombs, rockets, guns, knives, household items turned weapon, and even using food as a weapon."

My favorite thing in the entire world could be a weapon? "Like what?"

"Well you can dump hot sauce in someone's eyes, brain someone with a melon, mash a banana in someone's eyes, squirt a lemon in someone's eyes, throw a cocoanut at a guy's nuts…the list goes on and on."

"Huhn."

"I could take someone down with cardboard box."

"You should show me some of these techniques sometime," I said.

"Sure."

I woke to pounding at the door. "Stephanie, open up! We gotta go get my surprise!"

I heard the door open. "Hey Lula, what's up?" Jamie asked.

"I'm supposed to go get a surprise at midnight, and Stephanie said she'd come with me."

"Ooh that sounds fun! Can I come too? After all, it might be a bomb or something."

"Yeah, you should probably come too. And Connie's meeting us there. She wanted to see what the surprise is."

I stumbled out of my bedroom dressed and needing coffee. Jamie handed me a steaming cup and I mentally blessed her.

"Are we ready to rumble?" she asked, grinning huge. She was practically jumping up and down with excitement.

"Sure, let's go," I said, and we all tromped down to Lula's firebird.

There was a huge red package with a huge white bow on it sitting on the sidewalk in front of the bonds office. Connie was sitting on the hood of her yellow Beetle, eating a donut.

"There's a tag that says only Lula can open it," Connie said, offering us a donut. Jamie took a sprinkled one and I took a jelly. Lula was too distracted by the huge present. It was taller than she, and there was indeed a big tag that said "Only Lula can open this package. Please identify yourself."

"Well?" Jamie said finally, "Are you going to open it?"

Lula glanced at Jamie. "You sure there ain't no bomb in here?"

"Oh absolutely. I'd be able to hear it."

Lula turned back to the package. "Yo, this here's Lula and I'm gonna open you up! You better not explode on me!" Lula started to tear at the red paper. Finally she got it all off and was staring at a big cardboard box. On the side facing her there'd been a door cut, with a scrunched paper knob that had a sign hanging off of it reading, "Open me!"

Lula looked at us one more time and we all motioned for her to open it. Jamie and I were grinning ear to ear, trying not to burst out laughing.

Lula gingerly took hold of the knob and pulled the cardboard door open, and out sprang Tank, half naked, wrapped from head to toe in pink ribbon.

"Happy Valentine's day!" he yelled, while Lula shrieked, and he dipped her into a kiss.

We all cheered a hooted and cat called. I glanced at Jamie, who was crying she was laughing so hard, and wondered how she'd convinced him to wear the pink ribbon.

"That's your belated Christmas present," I said to Lula, after she was done unwrapping the ribbon off of Tank. He wasn't completely naked underneath the ribbon, he had on white boxer briefs with red hearts printed on them.

"Omigosh girl, you knew exactly what I wanted!"

I smiled at Tank, who looked happy as a clam. "You're such a good sport."

"It was either this or suffer Jamie's wrath for the rest of my life," Tank said, throwing an arm around Lula.

"You had fun," Jamie said, laughing at him, "admit it, you had fun!"

"Okay, so I had a little fun."

Lula gave him a suggestive look. "Yeah, and you're gonna be having a LOT more fun when we get home," and she dragged him away to her car.

Le Fin