She'd been fucking Mark like a rabid squirrel when she'd gotten the call. The call to let her know she was needed at the hospital because she still held Derek's medical proxy. Derek who'd been in a car accident when the rain and a truck had seemingly teamed up to beat the crap out of him. And, they had. It had been touch and go for a while, but three weeks later, he stubbornly clung on, even if he wasn't conscious. The neurosurgeon had sustained a traumatic brain injury and as irony, or possibly karma had it, he could have used his own golden touch in the operating room.
Addison still hadn't been to see him.
She got regular updates on Derek's condition and pored over his medical records several times every day, but somehow her legs would not carry her to his room. Well, technically, she'd get as far as the nurse's station outside, where she'd pull up his charts and and turn her back on the door that hid her from his view. Not that he could actually see her, being in a coma, but the last words he'd said to her, "I want never to see you again," still reverberated in her mind. Maybe he'd sense she was there and... not wake up because he'd rather die than face her.
It wasn't precisely a rational thought, but Addison had run straight past calm, cool and collected without stopping that night when she'd gotten to the hospital. She'd rushed through the entrance to the ER and been faced with a wild-eyed Meredith Grey who was shrieking at such a high pitch that Addison couldn't make out anything she was saying. 'Derek's dead' was all she could think and before she could help herself, she was slapping the slutty intern until she was forcibly pulled away from her. Anything to shut up the noise. Shut off the pain.
It hadn't been her finest hour and Addison also knew that Meredith spent as much of her time as possible with Derek now. To add insult to injury, she'd had to okay the intern's presence in the ICU and Addison didn't want her emotions to overwhelm her in front of her ex-husband's girlfriend again. There had been enough times that she'd humiliated herself because she loved a man who loved someone else. No one and especially not Meredith, needed to know that she still wasn't over Derek. So, she stayed at least ten feet away from Derek Shepherd's hospital room.
Today, the situation had changed. Derek was awake. Awake and asking for her... and Richard had told her other things too because Addison could see his mouth moving, but she hadn't heard any of it. After he'd said Derek wanted to see her, there was a weird buzzing noise in her ears. They'd been worried about the extent of the tissue damage, but he was alert and speaking which made the prognosis infinitely better.
But, it also meant she had to brave that door which had protected her from the hurt and reproach in his eyes, and Addison really wasn't too sure that her legs weren't going to go wet noodle on her if she tried to stand up right at that moment.
She had approached his room half a dozen times in the last forty minutes, every time with the intention of going in and talking to her ex-husband. It was the least she could do, after everything that had happened between them. The last time she'd seen him, she had told him that she'd stayed with Mark after he left. She would never forget the expression on his face and she was terrified of going into his room and seeing him look that way at her again.
Okay. She was going to see Derek for real this time. He was in the hospital, he'd almost died, and even though she wasn't his wife any longer, she had been last month and eleven years of marriage counted for something. Derek wanted to see her and she'd never been someone who let fear run her life. She would go into that room, talk to Derek and find out what he wanted from her, and then figure out where to go from there.
Yes, that was a good plan. Addison drew a deep breath and strode purposefully down the hallway toward Derek's room. Her stride began to slow as she approached the nurse's station, and she was so very tempted to delay her visit by double checking Derek's chart for any new information. She hadn't read it this morning, and perhaps it would be best if she knew everything before seeing him?
No, she was done procrastinating, Addison decided, pushing herself on, past the nurse's station. It had already been almost an hour since Richard had told her Derek was awake, and as much as she was afraid to do this, the not knowing would drive her crazy. She hesitated once more, briefly, at the door, but shook off her nerves and stepped into the room.
He was bald and looked oddly vulnerable that way, with a bandaged head and a bruised face that was turning greenish yellow. Addison stopped. She wasn't at all prepared to see this, not yet, but it was too late to run away. Too late because Derek had seen her. He'd seen her and he was smiling. He was smiling. He wasn't scowling at her, like he'd done ever since she first got to Seattle.
"Addison!"
His arm reached out toward her and somehow Addison found her feet moving her to his bedside without her directing them to get any closer. She had no idea what this meant. Derek had been angry with her -- so, so angry -- the last time they'd talked and now he grasped her hand, entwining their fingers.
"They tried to deceive me, telling me years have passed and we're divorced. That mangy looking girl probably stole my wedding band because I can't find it." He looked cranky and Addison had no idea what he was talking about. "Addie, where's my ring?" Derek thumbed the empty area, wriggling his fingers in front of his face, looking up at her with a beseeching expression that was about three quarter panic.
She sank down on the bed. "Derek...?"
He'd gotten red-rimmed eyes, the way he always did when he was about to cry and tried not to give in to the impulse. His distress was almost tangible, wrapping around her, drawing her in and holding her close. Something was terribly wrong and Addison wanted to comfort him and struggle against the suffocating pressure all at once. She could hear his pulse -- or was it her guilt? -- like the tell-tale heart beating under the floorboards, in her ears, raising the hair on her neck.
"Richard and that 12-year old, they said I have amnesia. That I," he swallowed hard, "I don't love you anymore." Derek started crying then, trying to brush his tears away with his free hand, and looking so very lost. "How could I ever stop loving you? You're my best friend and the love of my life."
Addison swallowed past the unexpected lump in her throat as she held onto his hand, unsure of what to do. She still had feelings for Derek, he was looking at her in a way that he hadn't for years, and she had to remind herself about how everything had ended, how Derek stopped coming home from work and how she'd turned to Mark instead. She made herself think about living in that damn trailer and watching her husband moon after another woman, and how she'd come home from the prom to find Meredith Grey's panties in the pocket of Derek's jacket.
She wasn't looking for a reconciliation with Derek. There had been too much hurt and pain on both sides, and what she needed was a chance to lick her wounds and let herself heal. They both needed that, because all they'd done these last few years was make each other miserable. How was she supposed to tell him that, though? Derek was holding her hand and looking at her in the way he used to, like she was the only person in the world. She had crushed him once when she'd slept with Mark, and now she was going to have to do it again.
He was still crying, furiously swiping at his tears with the back of his hand. She reached over to the nightstand for the box of tissues and brought it back to the bed, handing a few to Derek for him to wipe his face. She continued holding his other hand in hers, squeezing it every so often and gradually, he stopped crying and calmed down.
"Derek." Her voice came out quivery and she stopped, taking a few breaths to make sure this would come out in the way she wanted it. "Richard's right, Derek. You sustained a traumatic brain injury, and you have some memory loss." She tried to remember what else had been written in his chart and wished she'd paid more attention to what Richard had been saying when he'd talked to her earlier. "You're not in New York, Derek, and..." she made herself say it, "and we're not married anymore."