November 20, 1979
8:30 PM PST
Dear Diary,
I, Jerome Arthur Squalor, can hardly believe that I am one day away from tying the knot. The oddest thing of all is, I just met my fiance today. Her name is Esme, who is both a banker and an actress. She seems nice enough, but I never thought that I was her type. After all, I've never had much luck with women.
You see, when I was younger, I had a crush on a girl named Lorraine Baines. She was about the same age as me, and she always treated me quite decently. Still, when it came down to the nitty-gritty, I just was not her type. She knew that I didn't like to argue - and she always said that she wanted a man who can stand up for himself, and protect the woman that he loves.
Since then, she has married Rupert Quagmire - who happens to be my second cousin. However, I never knew him all that well - even though he seems to be a nice enough guy. The last time I heard from either of them, they had a set of triplets - and the girl took after their mother.
Sigh! Sometimes, I wonder if Lorraine still thinks of me. For that matter, I wonder what Rupert thinks of me. As I said, he seems to be a nice guy - but I sure can't help wondering if he thinks me a coward. I suppose I should put those thoughts aside. They do seem to be a happily married couple - and I myself am a day away from marriage.
I then think of Lemony Snicket. He is the younger brother of my best friend, Jacques. Speaking of Jacques, I just wrote to him - and I'm sure that he'll be happy to hear the good news.
Anyway, about Lemony, he seems like a nice enough person - but he always really seems to be sad. I mean, Jacques and Kit are not exactly the most optimistic people in the world - but Lemony... Well, I really have not seen him be truly happy for over fourteen years.
Perhaps, it must be because Beatrice had actually written him a book - explaining why she couldn't marry him. Yes, I meant a book. It was several hundred pages long, and I imagine that it would be very heartbreaking to anyone. I always thought Beatrice was a nice enough person, so I'm not sure why she... I understand that The Daily Punctilio did not paint a very innocent picture of Lemony, shortly after he was fired. Still, I always took her to be a level-headed person who doesn't take much stock in what sensational newspapers say. I swear, within the last fifteen years, The Daily Punctilio has deteriorated in quality. I just don't understand how anyone can take that newspaper seriously.
Well, I hope I don't get cold feet. Tomorrow, Esme and I are going to have our wedding at the Vineyard of Fragrant Grapes - which is a very charming place. I hope they remember that I am not fond of either The Anxious Clown or Cafe Salmonella. I quite prefer the Veritable French Diner, where they serve up delicious beef French dips, with au juice. In fact, that was where Esme and I had met. I never took Esme as someone to like foreign food, so I was a little surprised to see her.
I glance around my penthouse apartment, and I began to feel a little nervous. What if she doesn't like my penthouse? It is quite easy for one to get lost, as they are several hundred rooms. In fact, I myself don't use most of the rooms. However, it would be plenty of room for throwing a party - if only I had more friends.
For now, I suppose I should be hitting the sack. However, I just don't feel as if I can sleep. I could maybe spend a few hours at the Very Funky Disco. However, I don't much care for disco. As one of my favourite singers, Bob Seger, sings - today's music just doesn't have the same soul.
The last thing I would like to do is stand Esme up, tomorrow. It's as if my luck is beginning to improve. At the age of 41 years old, I would like to think that I still have a good future ahead of me.
I wonder what my father thinks of Esme. My father, Reginald, has always been a bit outspoken - and he was real close to his cousin, Arthur McFly. Dad often told me that I was like Arthur, who also never liked to argue. I wonder how he and I would've gotten along. Unfortunately, at the age of twelve, Arthur met a tragic fate - as he actually fell into Lake Lachrymose, and the Lachrymose leeches had devoured him.
Arthur's older sister, Alice, married Theodore Quagmire. I don't know either of them, that well - but I certainly imagine that Alice misses her brother, terribly. I still miss my mom, from when she died twelve years ago. At least, Dad is still alive - and I just hope he'll like Esme. If Esme is receptive to having any children, I can imagine that Dad will be happy with the prospect of becoming a grandfather. I hope to make Dad proud of me. I know he regrets having fought so much with Mom, when she was still alive. That is even more reason for why I really will never like arguing. My mother, born Sylvia Larson, was a sweet woman - and I always loved her fruit soup, which is a Swedish dish.
Well, I guess I really should get to bed - and tomorrow will come by, much sooner. I just hope I don't think my meeting Esme was all a dream, when I wake up. Well, to make certain, I should just place my letter from the Vineyard of Fragrant Grapes beside my bed. It will be a very exciting day, for certain.
With due respect,
Jerome Arthur Squalor