Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide The Day
SEASON 2
EPISODE 10
Airdate: December 15, 2013
Title: It's The Holidays, Dammit! (Christmas episode)
Segway Segment: RoundTable ("How do you feel about Lorde?"/"What happened to rock?")
Satire/Social Commentary: None
Special Guest Stars: Joe Buck as the Narrator/Himself, John Ducey as Col. Newman
Written by Michael "frostyfreezyfreeze54" Anderson, animated by Paul Wardenson, storyboarded by Tomas Greenberg, directed by Walt Dohrn
The episode starts with Buck enjoying hot chocolate near a fireplace while sitting in a rocking chair and reading a large red-and-green book.
JOE BUCK: Oh, man, that's always funny. Hello, everybody. I'm Joe Buck, a play-by-play commentator on Fox Sports. It has come to my attention that everybody hates my guts. And for that reason alone, I'm tonight's narrator. So you'll be hearing a lot of me in this episode. Christmas is finally here. And for the city of Seattle, they're definitely geared up.
(Buck opens the red-and-green book, which leads us into tonight's episode)
SCENE 1
("Christmas In Hollis" by Run-DMC playing in the background)
This particular scene has snow lightly falling on the city of Seattle. You can see various spots like Safeco Field, the Space Needle, Puget Sound, etc. And of course, the houses of Testicular Sound Express. There are also people getting their holiday shopping done. The following characters are also credited:
SPARKY MORTON MACDOUGAL
BUSTER CARLISLE NEWMAN
RYAN KENNEDY "RK" JENNINGS
WADE RAKIM SALTALAMACCHIA
JAYLYNN MICHELLE HUIE
KEVIN GARNETT "KG" JENNINGS
HALLEY ROSE VIDAL
ASHLEY MARIE RODRIGUEZ
MANUEL SANTOS
WILLIAM BARFIELD
JOE BUCK: There was an abundance of holiday cheer as Testicular Sound Express was helping Sparky go through his Christmas decorations.
WADE: Oh, man, Christmas is in one week. I can't believe the year is almost over.
SPARKY: I know, right? It feels like just yesterday we made the Heely Shoes and RK got us fake Super Bowl tickets.
RK: Oh yeah, that's always funny. Blame RK for what happened at Super Bowl XLVII. Bet you'll have a hell of a time picking on ME.
WADE: RK, we should blame you. It was YOUR fault.
RK: Well, when we go to Super Bowl XLVIII in two months and you guys freeze to death, those luxury box seats will come in real handy.
SPARKY: I bet the conversation between Roger Goodell and Vince McMahon was awkward.
(Goodell, the commissioner of the NFL, and McMahon, the chairman of the WWE, are at an airport when they bump into each other)
ROGER GOODELL: So, Vince, you're hosting WrestleMania in New Orleans next spring?
VINCE MCMAHON: Yes, and it looks like you're hosting the Super Bowl in East Rutherford next winter.
ROGER GOODELL: Well, Vince, here's some very important advice. Commissioner to Chairman. Make sure you're able to keep the crowd interested this time.
VINCE MCMAHON: That's very nice, Roger. And I have some advice. Make sure you have enough lights this time.
(Vince pats Roger on the shoulder and walks off, much to Roger's disgust)
(slurred) BUSTER: HAPPY BOITHDAY!
(Buster smashes a bottle of 2000-2004 Louis Roederer Cristal against Wade's head)
WADE: GAH!
SPARKY: Buster, are you insane?
(slurred) BUSTER: No, of course not, I'm cuckoo if that's what you're implying. (to RK) Hey, are you Kira Kosarin?
RK: I could be Kira Kosarin, I could be whoever you want me to be, baby.
(slurred) BUSTER: Great. Kira Kosarin is like, the sexiest kid in the world. She's so...oooooooooh on the TLC tip.
SPARKY: Buster, have you been drinking?
(slurred) BUSTER: What do you think, Mr. Spock? OH CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN, SHE'S GAINING POWER! I CAN'T CONTROL IT!
(Wade wakes up and slaps Buster hard across the face, getting him out of his drunken state)
BUSTER: Wade, what in Dawkins' name is your problem? Violence never resolves anything.
WADE: Says the kid who nearly cracked my skull open with a bottle of Cristal!
(Sparky is cleaning up the glass of the bottle)
BUSTER: I did that? Sorry, Wade. I guess when my dad said not to touch his alcohol, he meant it.
RK: Your dad's in town?
BUSTER: Not yet. He wanted to drop off his liquor first to avoid temptation of drinking it on tour.
SPARKY: So why did YOU drink it?
BUSTER: I don't know, I guess I just wanted to try it. It's actually pretty nasty the first couple sips, but you get there once you notice the punchy aftertaste. Hey, where's Jaylynn?
SPARKY: She's at home. And she's been pretty irritable lately. Today, she told me to go (bleep) myself.
BUSTER: Why?
SPARKY: Well, it's the holidays, Buster. Her mom died a couple years ago around this time and it's really hard for her to deal with it. In fact, she reminds me a lot of your situation with your dad.
RK: I really feel bad for Jaylynn. The holidays are the worst time for stress. That's why I choose to be mellow.
WADE: What are you talking about? Remember when you volunteered to be a mall Santa two years ago?
DECEMBER 23, 2011
RK: OK, kids, Santa isn't here anymore. I'm his minion born and raised on the South Pole and neglected by his mom for years.
KID: Why do you look like a kid yourself?
RK: I keep myself in wicked shape with illegal exercise programs that have rarely ever been torrented.
KID #2: Can we tell you what we want for Christmas now?
RK: Oh, I get it. You want me to lower myself so that you can assume a superior position and then demand tribute?
KID #2: Yeah.
(RK whacks the kid in the head with a sock full of tennis balls)
RK: I don't THINK so. RK don't play that. You see, you kids have been manipulated by the crooked white media. The white man is telling you that it's OK to be greedy and only care about the presents under your Christmas tree. Well, as a supporter of the black community, I'm sick and tired of the white man controlling the media!
KID #3: Aren't you white too?
RK: No, I have vitiligo. My beautiful black skin has been drained by the white man's devilish skin cells and has forced me to a life of crooked pale pigmentation.
KID #3: You look fine to me.
RK: SHUT UP AND TELL SANTA WHAT YOU WANT FOR (BLEEP) CHRISTMAS! Yeah, that's right, I'm your daddy now.
Back to reality.
RK: You know, looking back, a lot of that sounded pretty racist. I have to go back and apologize!
(RK runs out of Sparky's house and heads for the mall; long pause)
BUSTER: I understand RK's against racism and that's really cool, but sometimes he really needs to grow a set.
(Sparky and Wade look at Buster with wide eyes, shocked)
SCENE 2
Pacific Place
Upper Level
Seattle, Washington
("All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Big Time Rush featuring Miranda Cosgrove playing over the loudspeakers)
Sparky and Halley are walking past the many stores in the upper level of the mall.
SPARKY: So, I probably should have asked you this before. Why do you wear that brace?
HALLEY: I have scoliosis.
SPARKY: Oh yeah, that thing where your spine is curved? I know Grandpappy MacDougal had scoliosis. He was so sick he had to stop playing for the Yankees. And later on, he gave a speech calling himself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.
HALLEY: I'm pretty sure that wasn't your granddad.
SPARKY: Oh yeah, that was Lou Gehrig. But I know he still had it.
(Halley notices something on the TV that's displayed outside the electronics store)
HALLEY: Sparky, look! Up on the TV!
SPARKY: Halley, that's the part from Gandhi where he gets shot. Have some respect.
HALLEY: No, not that TV, the other one.
SPARKY: Oh. That stupid place?
HALLEY: You know this restaurant?
SPARKY: Yeah, Trattoria Molto Denaro. Just some high-class, high-pressure Italian restaurant with low portions and high prices.
HALLEY: It looks pretty high-class alright. And beautiful.
VOICEOVER: Welcome to Trattoria Molto Denaro. The place for that romantic evening, or a dinner party with your friends. Even when you need some foreshadowing.
(in his mind) SPARKY: Hmmmm, it looks like Halley really digs that place. I got it! Maybe I can take her there for Christmas dinner. Then again, I'm not a fan of Trattoria Molto Denaro and it's expensive. But at the end of the day, this is about making Halley happy. Hey, I sound cool in my mind.
("Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat)" by Digable Planets playing in Sparky's head; he starts headbanging to it, in an exaggerated way for comedic effect)
BILLY: Mommy, look. That kid is shaking his head around like he's having a seizure.
MOM: Remember what I said about those drugs, Billy.
(Billy and his mom leave)
SCENE 3
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK: Hey Wade, what's the skinny?
WADE: I'm watching a Ronda Rousey fight. I hate her so much.
RK: Why?
WADE: For disrespecting Michael Phelps. You expect him to come and give you attention like you're the Queen of England, and then you criticize his sport? When you're the most decorated Olympian of all-time, you can talk crap.
RK: Dude, that was more than a year ago when she said that. She probably doesn't even know Michael Phelps that well to make an informed decision yet.
WADE: Well, I just found out about it. And I can't believe she would be so ignorant. She wants to be disgusting, she can go read about Aristotle and Ptolemy's theory on the geocentric model.
(long pause)
RK: What a nerd joke.
WADE: So, why did you come over?
RK: I want the two of us to bond, Wade. You see, the holidays are fast approaching and this is just as good a time as any to tell you that I love you.
WADE: What?
(imitating Stavros from the Full House episode "Kissing Cousins") RK: I think of you as brother. Two Greek gods bonded together by time and space. As a sign of brotherhood, I shall now plant big kiss on cheek.
(RK kisses Wade on the cheek)
WADE: RK, did you drink Buster's dad's Cristal too?
RK: Look, I might as well cut to the chase. The two of us should plan a Christmas party.
WADE: A Christmas party? I'm down. But my folks will be coming soon and I don't think they would want a party here.
RK: That's why I have the perfect fail-safe method: We don't have the party at your house or mine. How do you feel about renting out a warehouse for the night?
WADE: I like it. But when would we have it?
RK: Christmas Eve. And we should make it a flier party.
WADE: Nah, man, I don't feel like soliciting money from our peers during the holidays.
RK: Wade, think about it. We make a bunch of posters, the people come ready to boogie and we charge $10 a head. And the money doesn't even need to go to us. How about the local shelter?
WADE: That just might work. RK, we're in business.
RK: Great. And since we're friends, this is going to be the perfect flier party. We'll be a better duo than Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler.
J.R.: MY GOD, KING, THIS IS GOING TO BE ONE HELL OF A NIGHT! I CAN'T WAIT FOR RAW! IT WILL BE A SLOBBERKNOCKER OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS! LOOK AT AUSTIN! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, LOOK WHAT AUSTIN'S DOING TO VINCE! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!
KING: JR, "Stone Cold" is retired. There's nobody in the ring. RAW hasn't even started yet. And it's 2007, what is wrong with you?!
J.R.: I TOOK THE SPEED! I TOOK THE SPEED BEFORE I CAME OUT HERE! WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT THE HELL IS TRIPLE H DOING TO SHAWN MICHAELS?! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP THE MATCH! STOP THE DAMN MATCH!
KING: JR, Triple H and Shawn Michaels are part of DX. And Triple H is on the shelf for eight months. He's at home with a torn quadriceps.
J.R.: WHAT THE HELL AM I SEEING RIGHT NOW?! THE ROCK IS BACK! THE GREAT ONE IS GONNA LAYETH THE SMACK-IT SMACKITY SMACK-ETH DOWN ON RANDY ORTON'S CANDY ASS! SWEET CHIN MUSIC! MANKIND IS THE NEW WWF CHAMPION! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!
KING: I wish I had puppies.
J.R.: STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!
SCENE 4
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
BUSTER: So, what's the plan, Sparko?
SPARKY: I'm going to the bank today to see how much money I have in my account. I want to take Halley to Trattoria Molto Denaro for Christmas dinner.
BUSTER: You don't have to do that. I can help you with the cash. I mean, that's what friends are for, right?
SPARKY: Yeah, but at the same time, it's a pride thing. My parents hardly ever borrow money from other people.
BUSTER: I see. Holy crap!
(Buster notices the trees moving outside through the window)
SPARKY: What?
BUSTER: The trees are melting! It's the apocalypse! IT'S THE (BLEEP) APOCALYPSE!
SPARKY: Buster...
(Buster slaps Sparky out of paranoia and hysterics)
BUSTER: You're part of it! YOU PLANNED THE APOCALYPSE!
SPARKY: Buster, don't you see the radiator? It just MAKES the trees look like they're melting.
BUSTER: Oh. I'm sorry about that.
SPARKY: It's OK. Now, if I can't pay for the dinner with my bank account, I'm going to have to earn the money.
BUSTER: Hey, look, it's Jaylynn. Jaylynn, over here!
(Jaylynn sighs, buries her head in her locker, and walks over)
JAYLYNN: What do you two want?
BUSTER: I just wanted to know if you wanted to go to Ike's after school with me.
JAYLYNN: Why? You have a stupid little crush on me now and you want to make a move?
BUSTER: No, just as friends. I know the holidays are hard for you.
JAYLYNN: Why? Because my dad walked out on me and my mom's dead? You know, I'd expect that kind of stupidity from you, Buster. You need to understand something. This is Hell. Life is Hell and we're all living in it. Some way, we're all trapped in Hell. So you can keep the silver spoon in your mouth, be grateful for what YOU have, and for (bleep)'s sake, leave me the (bleep) alone! DAMN!
(Jaylynn angrily walks away)
(chuckling) SPARKY: Jaylynn is so dysfunctional when Christmas comes around. Wait, hang on...I got it. (to the tune of "Conjunction Junction" from Schoolhouse Rock!) Dysfunction junction...what's her function?
(Sparky then starts laughing hard; throughout all of this, Buster is angrily staring at his best friend)
SPARKY: What's your function, Buster?
BUSTER: Why are you trying to downplay this, man? Jaylynn needs serious help.
SPARKY: Dude, you can't get worked up over this. Jaylynn acts like this every year. Then she goes back to normal on Christmas. This year should be no different.
BUSTER: I don't know. I know how it feels to deal with this sort of thing.
SPARKY: Look, do you trust me when I say this?
BUSTER: No.
(long pause; Sparky has a bored expression)
SPARKY: OK, just don't get involved. One thing I learned early on with Jaylynn is when she tells you to leave her alone, you leave her alone. Otherwise your life will be more depressing than a Kanye West interview.
CHARLAMAGNE: Kanye, I don't get your philosophies, man. In "New Slaves," you rap about being a slave to these big corporations. But you're helping these corporations make a profit. And in turn, you're getting profit.
KANYE: We're all slaves to something, man. I'm a slave to corporations, average Americans are slaves to their jobs, you're a slave to this radio show. We're all slaves to something.
CHARLAMAGNE: I'm not a slave to this radio show. I have a choice to do this. You have a choice to help out these corporations. Slaves didn't have a choice. You didn't see slaves making millions of dollars from the white slavemasters. You didn't see Kunta Kinte advertising Pepsi and Nike.
KANYE: Those didn't exist back then, Charlamagne. What you just said was stupid.
CHARLAMAGNE: No, I just made sense and what you said is besides the point. You're a walking contradiction, Kanye. You don't want to be a slave to corporations? Quit. Stop promoting their products. Put Yeezus out for free. Put your sneakers out for free. You try so hard to be a god and a revolutionary, you don't realize you're nowhere close to that status. You're a fake revolutionary for profit. Your stance isn't real.
KANYE: Nothing is real, Charlamagne. This interview isn't real. I'm not real. You're not real. In my mind, I'm Gandhi. Hell, I'm better than Gandhi. You need to be at the forefront of pop culture to get people's attention. Who am I? I'm not real. I'm just a figment of your imagination.
CHARLAMAGNE: We WILL pay attention. You release dope records, we'll gravitate towards you. And on that note, Yeezus sucked.
KANYE: Yeezus is the greatest album of all-time. Just like how My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy was the greatest album of all-time when it dropped three years ago. When 808's and Heartbreak dropped in 2008, THAT was the greatest album of all-time. I keep topping myself and I'll continue to top myself because I'm the greatest musician of all-time. Nobody can touch me, Charlamagne! Nobody!
(long pause)
CHARLAMAGNE: Dude, you need to get your head out of Kim Kardashian's ass and figure your life out, man.
SCENE 5
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK and Wade are planning their Christmas Eve flier party.
RK: OK, so this is your warehouse blueprint, Johnboy?
WADE: Yes. And I told you to stop calling me Johnboy.
RK: Sorry, Johnboy.
(Wade angrily stares at RK)
RK: So what are we working with here?
WADE: Well, this warehouse in particular is pretty big. So I was thinking the DJ stand could go over here. Maybe you and I could take turns scratching Christmas songs.
RK: Nice. I've been practicing my "Back Door Santa." (mimics the beat used in "Christmas In Hollis")
WADE: Whoa, settle down, D.
RK: D! That's it.
WADE: What's it?
RK: My second nickname. You can call me D.
WADE: I'm not calling you D, it doesn't make any sense in the context of your name.
RK: Hey, is this what I think it is?
WADE: Yeah, it's a soapbox.
RK: Why do you need a soapbox at a Christmas party?
WADE: No reason.
RK: Wade, I didn't plan this party so you could spew Democratic BS.
WADE: Oh, and this is different from when you spew Republican BS?
RK: Yeah, because this BS is relatable. Most Americans see themselves as idiots who spew BS anyway.
WADE: And what's with the red shirt and red cap?
RK: I'm getting prepared for the Christmas party. I'm going to wear this ensemble on Tuesday.
WADE: There's a stain on that shirt!
RK: It's just lemonade. I think.
WADE: RK, find something else to wear. This is a classy event. Maybe wear a crappy holiday sweater or something.
RK: Ewwwwww, gross! This is MY party, Wade.
WADE: Well, it's mine too.
(RK and Wade have an angry staredown when KG comes in dressed like Rudolph)
KG: I, um...I lost a bet. Really bad.
RK: Did you just want to wear the costume?
(long pause)
KG: Yes.
(KG walks towards the kitchen with the confusion looming in RK and Wade's minds)
JOE BUCK: Well, that was awkward. When Sparky went to the bank, he found out he didn't have enough money to pay for Trattoria Molto Denaro. And he couldn't use his college fund that his parents had pumped money into for quite some time. So Sparky decided that the only way he could get the money...was to earn it.
("Paid in Full" by Eric B. & Rakim playing in the background)
Sparky begins his quest to earn enough money for Christmas dinner. In reality, he wasn't in debt or anything like that. There just wasn't enough for the expensive restaurant. Sparky's first plan was to start a lemonade stand. Nobody was interested. However, he soon realized that in the cold weather, nobody's going to buy up lemonade. Sparky changed his approach to a hot chocolate stand, and actually sold some cups. Buster ruined it by drinking some of the merchandise and not paying. Sparky then chases Buster around his house.
Throughout the day, Sparky gets various odd jobs. Working as a men's room attendant (with poor results), a cashier at Burger King, a waiter at the finest country club in Seattle, and one of Santa's elves. However, none of these jobs end up giving Sparky enough cash. The country club came pretty close actually. At the end of the day, it's nightfall in the city as Sparky is exhausted and depressed. He then opens the front door of his house, looks at the sky one last time, walks inside, and shuts the door.
SEGWAY SEGMENT
ASHLEY: Hi, I'm Ashley Rodriguez and this is RoundTable. Our first holiday edition, actually. So we're here to answer two questions that have been swirling around recently. First question: "How do you feel about Lorde?" Sparky, you have the floor first.
SPARKY: Thanks Ashley. Well, I think Lorde is phenomenal. She's one of those people that have so much charisma and talent they make everyone around them feel small. She is also very opinionated, she's intelligent, she's beautiful. I actually want to meet some Kiwi girls now. I really enjoy Lorde and I hope this year was just a small taste of what we can expect from her.
BUSTER: I agree with Sparky 100%. I mean, it took me a while to get into "Royals," and once I understood the message, I was hooked. This feels like pop music from another dimension. Lorde is like a full-course meal. She has a golden voice, a big mouth, a dynamic personality. I like what she's doing here. And Lorde has balls. Here in America, no one would even dare speak their mind on anything. That's why Lorde is so refreshing. She's not the pop artist we deserve, but she's the pop artist we need.
RK: I found out about Lorde after hearing Cimorelli cover "Royals" and I'm just not that sold. I love her personality and the fact that she's actually calling out pop stars like Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez. But I have the bad feeling she's going to run into trouble soon. She's a Kiwi and most people in that area are pretty blunt and opinionated. America is already trying to send Lorde home. There were rumors circulating that "Royals" is racist when that clearly isn't the case. You look at her Grammy nominations and think that 2014 will be her takeover year. But look what happened to Lauryn Hill. I don't know if the music climate is easy enough for Lorde to handle.
(watching at home) LORDE: OK, that's cool. I mean, you're going there, but, yeah, that's cool.
WADE: I want to say that I think Lorde is doing everything well. But like RK said, the music industry is cutthroat and everyone wants to be the best. Lorde's strengths may also be her weaknesses. She doesn't want her career to end so soon because of comments she made about certain artists. And she can't generalize these Nickelodeon/Disney stars like all of them are terrible. I mean, you have the Sprouse twins going to college, doing something constructive after The Suite Life on Deck ended. Ariana Grande is trying to bring back that R&B mentality to pop. And stars like Hillary Duff and Brenda Song have stayed out of trouble for the most part. It's easy for Lorde to think these things without realizing the reasons for them happening.
JAYLYNN: Lorde is one of the most amazing girls I've ever heard of in my life. She's like the angel that never got to be an angel because of how much she bloomed over all the other angels. That's all I have to say.
(long pause)
ASHLEY: OK, so let's...
JAYLYNN: It's pretty hot when she dances.
(long pause)
ASHLEY: Oh, OK. Anyway, the second question: "What happened to rock?" Sparky and RK personally requested this question after watching a Fuse interview in which Alice Cooper said Mumford and Sons wasn't rock and roll.
RK: I beat Sparky in a best-of-seven rock paper scissors series so I get the floor first.
SPARKY: I won the first three games, and you cheated the next four!
RK: Those dirty tactics aside, I just think rock became less popular, and the folk community took it over. I could remember a time where Aerosmith, Twisted Sister, Guns N' Roses, and Van Halen were at the top of the charts. Rock used to be the dominant genre, not pop. That tells you how much influence it used to have. Grunge was rock's last stand. After it died, rock got less marketable and more alternative. So that's what I think happened to rock.
SPARKY: I agree. For a while, rock has had a pop mentality. In order to do it, it has to sound aggressive and catchy. The Jonas Brothers are the only pop rock act that has really done this well. They knew how to play to both the mainstream pop society and the hard rock society. Now you see this folk garbage, whatever it is. Mumford and Sons, Imagine Dragons, The Lumineers...they're all shitting on rock's name. I know they probably don't think they're rock, but when the record labels market you as that, it sends a really bad message.
BUSTER: It sucks knowing kids might actually think Mumford and Sons is rock and roll. But I think that when pop exploded, that was the end for rock. Suddenly, you had a genre that was even more polished and marketed to the casual listener than the first one. Back then, when Run-DMC covered "Walk This Way," some people thought they were selling out. Rock had so much influence on the music world back then that it was considered pop. Then actual pop came and rock didn't stand a chance. It got played out.
WADE: Let's not forget, rap was becoming really popular around that time, R&B was as well. Rock really didn't have much to offer people in the early 90s. Then grunge came and that kind of brought back the crown because rock had teenage appeal again. I just think rock didn't have a chance to survive with all these new genres.
JAYLYNN: Time has a way of changing things and its people. I think rock will be the dominant genre again, but as long as pop and rap keep making so much money, and nobody even attempts to bring it back, it won't be for a long time.
SPARKY: In my mind, pop is the new funk and R&B is the new soul. I also think rock is the new jazz. There are a lot of subgenres in rock that keep it going and it has staying power.
RK: What's hip-hop?
SPARKY: Hip-hop has always been hip-hop. That's never going to change. Mainstream hip-hop is pop.
ASHLEY: We'll be back on January 19 with more RoundTable.
TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: WHAT?!
CAMERAMAN: It's a wrap.
SCENE 6
The MacDougal Household (December 22)
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster is over at Sparky's place that morning.
BUSTER: So, what's the scoop? You didn't make enough money yesterday?
SPARKY: No. And Christmas is in three days. I'll be in junior high by the time I can take Halley to dinner.
BUSTER: You know, phone sex operators make good bank. You could try that.
SPARKY: Buster, I'm a ten-year-old boy.
BUSTER: So?
(long pause; Sparky has a bored expression)
SPARKY: Anyway, this whole thing has been a disaster. I haven't been this disappointed since you filmed your commercial for National.
APRIL 2010
(imitating Joe Buck) BUSTER: National Car Rental? That's my choice. Because with National, I go past the counter. And choose any car in the aisle. Choosing your own car? Now that's a good call.
DIRECTOR: CUT!
BUSTER: Mr. Director, we've done this eight times.
DIRECTOR: And we've failed eight times. Buster, stop acting like Joe Buck and be yourself.
BUSTER: But I don't know how.
JOE BUCK: Allow me to demonstrate, Buster.
BUSTER: Cool, Joe Buck! Wait, I don't remember you being here when this happened.
DIRECTOR: LET'S GO!
JOE BUCK: National Car Rental? That's my choice. Because with National, I go past the counter. And choose any car in the aisle. OH, BUCK CHOOSES THE BLUE ONE! So, Buster...Buster?
(A car is heard driving off)
EXTRA: He stole one of the cars.
JOE BUCK: I think we should replace that kid.
BUSTER: Hey, look, a commercial for Crime Stoppers.
SPARKY: What's Crime Stoppers?
BUSTER: A cool service where you earn money from the police for reporting crimes anonymously.
SPARKY: Money...
TEEN: That's right, officer, a burglar! He's breaking into the house right now! Hurry!
(Five minutes later)
POLICEMAN: You're under arrest for the crime of attempted burglary.
BURGLAR: How did you get here so fast?
POLICEMAN: This IS a predominantly white community, sir.
BURGLAR: Oh yeah, that makes sense.
FIVE DAYS LATER
The policeman has money for the teen.
TEEN: What's this?
POLICEMAN: You're a Crime Stopper and you prevented a burglary. $5,000 for ya.
TEEN: Cool! I get money for stopping the crime!
SPARKY: How corny.
BUSTER: Yeah, the whole script came from a draft in 1988.
VOICEOVER: The Crime Stoppers need your help. If you're aware of a crime, call this toll-free number. You're also entitled to a cash reward for the severity of the crime. And remember, you CAN remain anonymous.
SPARKY: Thank God for anonymity.
BUSTER: So, are you going to join the Crime Stoppers?
SPARKY: I guess so. And hey, if I can't take Halley to Trattoria Molto Denaro for Christmas, maybe I can do it before the break is over.
BUSTER: That's the spirit.
SPARKY: I need some good news too. I had a bad dream that Big Time Rush ended their show.
BUSTER: They did. In August.
(cut to a shocked Sparky in front of a black screen)
JIM ROSS: WHAT?!
TAZZ: YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!
SCENE 7
United Warehouses
Interior Warehouse #15
Seattle, Washington
RK and Wade are setting up for the party. Even though it's in two days, the planning of it is staggering and there needs to be enough time for them to do other things.
WADE: Dude, this place is ENORMOUS.
RK: We can only use half of it, Johnboy.
WADE: RK, for the last freaking time, stop calling me Johnboy!
RK: No way, Mary May. You refuse to call me D, I'm going to keep calling you Johnboy.
WADE: Oy shillelagh.
ASHLEY: Hey guys, where do you want me to put these speakers?
RK: Mmmm, over there in the corners. Thanks Ash-Rod.
WADE: You asked Ashley for help?
RK: Yeah, when it comes to hard work, Ashley puts in more effort than Bob the Builder.
BOB: OK, gang, we're going to put in 110% to help renovate this animal shelter.
LOFTY: I don't get it. They already said they don't need our help.
BOB: But we should help anyway. It's a good deed.
LOFTY: Yeah, but they really don't need...
BOB: I want to fix this (bleep) shelter, so we're fixing this (bleep) shelter! That freaking wetback Handy Manny thinks he can do it better than he me. Well, he can't. NO, HE CAN'T! NO, HE CAN'T!
(Bob stares at Lofty with his mouth open to some extent for three seconds)
BOB: Crap, I forgot to turn on my iPhone.
(Bob walks away)
LOFTY: Can he put out in bed with Wendy?
MUCK: No, he can't.
WADE: RK, I don't think it's a good idea to have Ashley here. You can't control your feelings for her.
RK: Yeah, I can.
WADE: Probably not. You're too over-dramatic.
RK: No way. I listened to Drake yesterday and I didn't shed a single tear.
ASHLEY: RK, what's with that poster of you?
RK: Ashley, you silly little goose, there's no...poster of me. (chuckling)
ASHLEY: It's right there. Right behind the DJ stand.
(There's a huge poster of RK dressed exactly like KRS-One from the cover of Boogie Down Productions' 1987 album Criminal Minded)
WADE: Why the hell do you have that? HOW the hell do you have that?
RK: A photographer in Portland hooked me up and got me those clothes. I was going to hire a guy to play Scott La Rock, but he got shot.
WADE: RK, that's not funny in any context.
RK: Wade, I'm not kidding, a kid really got shot and died. It was in the local news. Stop being so insensitive with that stuff.
WADE: Look, can you just take that poster down?
RK: No way, that poster cost me $945.72 to make. How else am I supposed to show off unnecessary, ostentatious symbols of wealth?
WADE: With fat gold chains like the rest of the world!
(reading from a white index card) ASHLEY: Wow, I didn't know this.
RK: Know what? (reading the card) "Most of Santa's reindeer are either female or castrati, because most male reindeer shed their antlers at Christmastime and Santa's reindeer have male-sounding names." Wade?
WADE: I thought having index cards with Christmas facts would be very educational and informative.
RK: Wade, nobody wants to know about this stuff. It's not cool.
WADE: So is anything related to your life, but you don't see ME complaining.
RK: Wade, I want these cards out of here post-pronto.
WADE: Well, I want that poster out of here post-pronto.
(imitating Michael Kyle) RK: Ehhhhhhhh...no.
(RK and Wade once again have a staredown)
ASHLEY: You guys could just come to a compromise and not get rid of anything.
(RK and Wade think this over)
SCENE 8
The Huie Household (December 22)
Interior Frontyard/Living Room/Kitchen/Bathroom
Seattle, Washington
JOE BUCK: Buster was not going to be prepared for what he found out about Jaylynn.
(knocking) BUSTER: Jaylynn, it's Buster. Open up!
(Buster's knocking opens up the door)
BUSTER: Wow, that was convenient.
(Buster sees newspaper clippings all over the living room walls; these newspaper clippings discuss the suicide of Jaylynn's mother)
BUSTER: What the hell is going on?
(Buster slowly walks into the kitchen)
BUSTER: Jaylynn? Jaylynn, are you home?
(Buster hears the shower and walks upstairs)
BUSTER: Jaylynn, are you...
(The bathroom door is open somewhat, and Buster sees Jaylynn holding a knife to her throat with the shower on)
BUSTER: OH MY GOD!
(Buster turns off the shower and swipes the knife from Jaylynn's hand)
JAYLYNN: What are you doing?!
(Buster sees blood on the bathtub floor; The blood is dripping from Jaylynn's arms)
BUSTER: JAYLYNN, ARE YOU CRAZY?! I NEED TO CLEAN THIS UP!
(Buster gets some surgical tape and wraps it around Jaylynn's arms, preventing any more blood loss)
BUSTER: Jaylynn, why in the world were you about to kill yourself?!
(Jaylynn immediately bursts into tears)
BUSTER: Jaylynn, is everything OK?
JAYLYNN: It's never been. My one and only chance to see my mother again, and you ruined it!
BUSTER: What are you talking about?
JAYLYNN: It's not fair! My dad left me when I loved him more than anyone else. And my mom died from alcohol poisoning.
BUSTER: I didn't know your mom drank.
JAYLYNN: She always did. Every day until she decided to kill herself. And sometimes, she said it was my fault.
BUSTER: What did you do?
JAYLYNN: I was the one who killed her. I'M the reason she's not here. She always said that I drove my dad away. I have nothing to live for, Buster. Nobody loves me!
(Jaylynn starts crying again)
BUSTER: So, you were going to kill yourself for someone that mistreated you?
JAYLYNN: I wanted to meet her in Hell and make things right. Every year, the pain gets worse and I can't take it anymore. I want to die, Buster. Inside, I've wanted to die for months.
BUSTER: Jaylynn, don't ever say that again. Your mom made a choice to drink herself to death. She wasn't around to do her job and be a mom to you. You don't owe anybody anything. There ARE people that love you.
JAYLYNN: Who?
BUSTER: I love you like a sister. I always wanted one. And then when you moved here, I was really excited because I finally had a girl for a friend.
JAYLYNN: What about Kaily? You guys were friends for months.
BUSTER: Somewhere along the lines, I met someone way cooler than her.
(Jaylynn starts to smile and hold back tears)
BUSTER: Sparky loves you too. You're one of his closest friends. RK and Wade love you. They always tell me how close they've gotten to you these past few months. And there are lots of kids at school that enjoy your company.
JAYLYNN: I don't believe that. People are going to forget about me when I die.
BUSTER: Jaylynn, in these past few months, you've left a mark on all of us. I know you're cynical and you're an antihero and you don't cling onto anybody, but we need you. You're an important part of our lives.
JAYLYNN: Thank you so much, Buster. I never thought I meant anything to anybody. That's why I act like I don't care sometimes. I don't want to believe in what a person says and then they end up ditching me.
BUSTER: We're not going to ditch you, Jaylynn. We love you. All of us.
JAYLYNN: I love you guys too!
(Jaylynn cries out of joy and hugs Buster, who reciprocates it)
BUSTER: And hey, do you really want to spend Christmas here?
JAYLYNN: Not really.
BUSTER: Well, I can always invite you to spend it with my parents when they come tomorrow.
JAYLYNN: I would love to, thanks, Buster!
BUSTER: Any time, Jaylynn. And if you think I haven't been through the same thing, let me tell you about Col. Rusty Newman, better known as...my dad.
JOE BUCK: I'm glad things worked out for Jaylynn. You know, my dad was one of the most important parts of my life. I loved every minute I spent with him and I'll never forget everything he did for me. And hey, if there's a friend or family member out there who you really love and appreciate, let them know on Christmas morning. We all need to spread positive feelings around the holidays. Hey, how's our old pal Sparky doing?
SCENE 9
Seattle, Washington (December 23)
Sparky, now wearing a Crime Stoppers badge, is scoping the city of Seattle, looking around for a crime.
(pretending to talk into a walkie-talkie) SPARKY: Agent MacDougal to headquarters. Looking for fiends to nab and heinous crimes to stop. This rock seems very suspicious. It's been sitting here for hours. Rock, you're under arrest for excessive loitering. Anything you do can and will be used against you in a court of law.
BILLY: Mommy, that weird kid is talking to a rock.
MOM: Crystal meth is a powerful drug, Billy. Ask Jodie Sweetin.
SPARKY: I wonder why those two always show up near me. Hmmmm, probably because they're so funny.
ROBBER: THIS IS A STICK-UP! GIVE ME THE MONEY AND IF YOU'RE IN MY WAY, BACK UP!
SPARKY: My Crime Stopper senses seem to be leading me to the bank! A robbery!
("Juice (Know The Ledge)" by Eric B. & Rakim playing in the background)
Sparky slowly walks into the bank, and hides in the ferns, witnessing the robbery.
ROBBER: Yeah, that's it, all of it, dumbass.
SPARKY: Time to make the call.
(Sparky calls Crime Stoppers, and reports the crime)
SPARKY: Yes, officers, I'm at Chase. This guy has everybody hostage and he's taking all the money.
ROBBER: Who's that?
SPARKY: Yes, officers, I might need to call you back. The robber might have found me.
ROBBER: THE FERN!
SPARKY: Officers, he's found me. He has a Smith and Wesson, and he's not going to hold back!
ROBBER: When will you Crime Stoppers learn not to mess with Matt Gutenberg, King of Bank Robberies?!
SPARKY: Yeah, the name's Gutenberg. Matt Gutenberg. Yeah, the Smith and Wesson is pointed at my head. Yeah, he's about to kill me, I'll be dead in less than a minute. No, it's cool, the blood probably won't leave too much of a floor stain. I guess I didn't know the bank.
(One gunshot is heard, and the screen goes black)
SCENE 10
The Newman Condominium (December 23)
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster and Jaylynn are reading a Christmas story to LPC.
BUSTER: And Millie knew that her dad worked as a department store Santa.
JAYLYNN: So to end the sexual abuse, Millie snuck up behind her dad and shot him to death.
BUSTER: The police chased after Millie when a bystander called them, and she ended up on the roof of a high-rise building in New York.
JAYLYNN: She was too scared to say anything about the sexual abuse, and the police implored her to calm down and get off the roof.
BUSTER: Millie didn't want to go to jail for first-degree murder, so she did a Swanton Bomb off the roof and broke her neck, effectively killing her.
JAYLYNN: The end.
BUSTER: Well, how was that story?
(LPC meows angrily)
BUSTER: Yeah, we DID make up that story. You're crazy, boy.
JAYLYNN: No, we didn't.
BUSTER: Shut up, Meg.
(Jaylynn angrily stares at Buster; LPC walks away)
JAYLYNN: Hey, have you seen Sparky lately?
BUSTER: Actually, no. He's made the conscious decision to join the workforce. Your former pen pal is now a Crime Stopper.
(Sparky walks in with his left arm in a sling)
SPARKY: I'm not a Crime Stopper anymore.
BUSTER: Well, that contracts my previous statement.
JAYLYNN: Sparky, what happened to your arm?
SPARKY: I got shot trying to report a robbery. Maybe actually being IN the bank when the robbery happened was a bad idea.
BUSTER: Dude, no way! What did your parents say when they found out?
SPARKY: They were pissed at me for doing something so dangerous, and even MORE pissed at the shooter. My dad beat him up and now he's in a holding cell for the night.
JAYLYNN: What happened to the shooter?
SPARKY: He got arrested for attempted murder and attempted robbery. Fortunately, it looks like he's going to prison for a while, because there's no official stand your ground law in Washington. Plus, I'm a white minor, so...
JAYLYNN: Sorry Sparky. That's weaksauce.
BUSTER: Double weaksauce. What are you going to do about taking Halley for dinner?
SPARKY: I don't know anymore. I'm just so pissed off right now. I nearly killed myself over money. I did all of it over and over and over again and I got nothing! GAH!
(Sparky tries to kick LPC)
BUSTER: NO, DON'T TOUCH THE CAT, TAKE IT OUT ON THE KEYBOARD!
(stomping on the keyboard) SPARKY: No MONEY, no DINNER, no FUN.
JAYLYNN: Hey, that sounds pretty dope.
SPARKY: Really?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, we should jam with that.
BUSTER: GET MADDER! COME ON!
(Buster and Jaylynn get their guitars, and Sparky continues playing the keyboard in pattern until Buster and Jaylynn join in with the guitars)
JAYLYNN: LIKE THAT!
(Buster adds a little guitar ad-lib)
(imitating Nick Jonas) SPARKY: I did it all again and I got nothing...I did it all again and I got nothing...I did it all again and I got nothing...I did it all again and I got nothing, yeaaahhhhh!
(The guitar riffs finish off the song)
COL. RUSTY: Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo, great song! OH, STUDIO! ALBUM! BACK ON! (Rusty makes laser noises, confusing the kids) Um, I'm sorry, it's, uh...it's been rough for a lot of us, I know. Sparky, sorry to hear about your gunshot wound.
SPARKY: It's OK, Mr. Newman. I'm just glad I got that jam session out of my head. I feel totally stress-free now.
JAYLYNN: There's something unaccounted for.
SPARKY: What's that, Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: I heard drums and there was no one playing them. And I don't see a drum machine.
BUSTER: I have one, I just never plugged it in.
SPARKY: Then where did the drums come from?
(Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn stare confusingly at the camera)
SCENE 11
United Warehouses (Christmas Eve)
Interior Warehouse #15
Seattle, Washington
("Jingle Bells" by Drake Bell playing in the warehouse)
Everyone is wearing a crappy holiday sweater. RK, wanting to be different, has on a green T-shirt/cap combination with red pants and red Converse Chuck Taylors)
RK: So how do you like the party?
BUSTER: It's nice. The punch is very moist.
WADE: RK, I think it was a nice idea to combine both of our personal styles into this party.
RK: Yeah, that poster actually looks a lot more badass now.
(The giant poster now has Wade in place of Scott La Rock, and the two are posing with several 9x19mm Parabellums)
WADE: Guns are cool to hold, but scary and dangerous.
RK: Word, my brother.
WADE: Hicka-bicka-boo?
RK: HOO-SHA!
(Sparky and Buster are scared; Jaylynn is talking to Halley on the side)
BUSTER: So, what happened with Halley?
SPARKY: She really appreciated all the trouble I went through for money, and to make up for it, she's treating me to dinner on New Year's Eve.
BUSTER: Nice! Are you sure you're OK with the girl paying?
SPARKY: Oh, look who has the statement that society back now. That's a relationship, Buster. Helping each other out and making the other feel like a million bucks.
BUSTER: I could get down with that.
(Sparky and Buster clink punch glasses)
KG: Bro, I am proud of you for donating the flier party money.
RK: Hey, lots of other people could use it. And thanks.
WADE: I think this party is a success.
RK: You said it. Happy holidays.
WILL: I wouldn't say so.
(imitating Arnold Drummond) RK: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Will?
MANNY: He's talking about the police shutting the whole party down.
WADE: Someone called the po-po?
WILL: I think so. There's alcohol here.
RK: WHAT?! OK, who thought it was funny to bring booze?
(The Seattle Police Department officers burst through the door; record stops; long pause)
RK: WADE BROUGHT THE BOOZE!
WADE: You jackass.
POLICE OFFICER: UNDERAGE DRINKING ARREST WARRANT! SHOW ME SOME I.D., NOW!
RK: That's a great idea, gents. Can't be too careful. I'll just reach into my back pocket here and we can settle this...
POLICE OFFICER #2: GUN! OPEN FIRE!
("Straight Outta Compton" by N.W.A. playing in the background)
RK: Don't worry, officers. I have my I.D. right...
(The police start firing bullets like it's going out of style, destroying the warehouse slowly and making the kids run away)
RK: THE POSTER! SOMEBODY SAVE THE POSTER!
WADE: NO TIME, THEY'RE GOING TO KILL US!
(RK and Wade run away with the rest of the kids while the guns keep on firing)
(running) BUSTER: Why did it have to be the knee-jerk police?
(running) WADE: We are in SO much trouble for the warehouse destruction.
(running) RK: I still wonder who brought the booze. Did you set me up to get shot?
(Wade stares at RK, annoyed)
(running; imitating Michael Yarmush) SPARKY: Happy holidays, everybody!
(running) JAYLYNN: SPARKY, WE'RE TRYING TO AVOID GETTING SHOT! NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR THAT!
(running) SPARKY: I know.
(gunshots keep going off as the police is in hot pursuit)
SINGERS: Everybody hates Chris...
JOE BUCK: Enjoy your holiday, everybody. This is Joe Buck signing off.
(A gunshot just misses Joe)
JOE BUCK: Ah, dammit! Who tried to kill me again?
©2013 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
IN LOVING MEMORY OF NELSON MANDELA
1918-2013
WE'RE ALL PREPARED TO DIE FOR OUR CAUSES