She sat there as the cold breeze whipped through her hair. Hugging her knees, the icy teardrops fell on her pants. Her cheeks tingled from the whiplash. Her eyes were swollen and red, her nose cold. Her body was numb and vacant. Her hallow heart hurt. She was trembling violently. Her head was in other place, remote and distant. She couldn't do it any more. She couldn't continue with this charade she had pulled herself through for numerous years. It was eating her alive. The pain she endured was nothing more than the numbness that she felt through her frozen toes.
She could do it. Right here, right now. Nobody would find her for countless days. She stared plaintively at the grey ocean. The white crested waves collided with the sinister sand, washing it away. It could wash away her sorrows, thoughts, and herself. Everyone would think it was an mishap.
She turned her head towards the shaggy blue bag next to her, pulled out a plastic bag and a pill container, and laid them out neatly before reaching in again and pulling out a needle. Either way she did it, everything around her would be bliss. Another tear ran down her cheek as she turned to stared out towards the ocean again.
Could she do it? Could she choose between two pains? Could she make the two decisions that would affect herself and everyone around her? There was no doubt that the pain was what she wanted to get rid of.
She remembered a book she read in ninth grade. She loved the way it ended- one quick shot to the back of the head. No pain could be endured.
Her eyes darkened. No one would do that to her. No matter how much she begged or pleaded, she would end up in an asylum, and forevermore still be in pain.
Slowly she reached for the plastic bag. The white powder skittered around. She was mesmerized by the white detail of it, getting lost again in her mind. She had never tried it before, but heard about it, all the stories of the cruel addictions, and the deaths that they were responsible for. It was so simple to get, no questions needed. The wind picked further; the bag trying to escape from her hands. Her arm stretched out to grab the bottle that was rolling away. She hesitated then suddenly she popped the lid.
She peered down at the ten pills. The miniature white pills rattled against the plastic. Ten pills can do so much, put together with the bag mixed with Speed, Ecstasy, and LSD; the time would be so diminutive.
With a heavy sigh, she peered back at the ocean. The clouds began to pour profoundly. Her body was sodden completely. The drops of rain hid her tears. She let out a shaky sigh.
Could she do it?
"She told me a story long ago about a dream she had. She was lying down in a big white empty room. There were no windows but she would feel the sun's warmth showering over her skin. The air was clean and crisp. The whole room was filled with honesty.
Then slowly, the air began to turn cold and heavy. She could feel the pressure on her chest; keeping her down. Mesmerizing colors then began to appear in the room. Every color of the rainbow and others that she could not describe began to play before her eyes.
They fascinated her. She could feel them, smell them, and even hear them. She swore she could sense them beckoning her. She wanted to but something was holding her back from her desire. Her attempt failed, and she felt herself being suffocated by an imaginary bag. Her lungs burned as she tried to breath in the cold air. The burning sensation then turned into numbness as she felt her limbs becoming paralyzed, all but her head
Her eyes were still watching the beautiful colors dance around. She lay there for what seemed like forever until she finally woke up from her dream. Her dream became repetitive for two weeks. She would wake up cold, huddled under a blanket and her mind racing night after night unable to escape the nightmare.
After the two weeks, she could not sleep. Her eyes would not rest, and she ended up staring at the ceiling.
I remember her telling me that she memorized every crack and cranny on her ceiling. She would memorizes and rememorize for a month. She couldn't understand why she so interested in it. She felt an urge that she could not control. She felt helpless, small and weak.
However, on April seventeenth, the night was hot and humid. That night she was finally able to sleep. She had a dream; not the one in the white room, she was on a cliff. Just below was a deserted beach. The unwelcoming waves were pounding against the sand. The sky was overcast, no light escape the frightening clouds.
What stood before her were a small Rabbit and a huge Jackal. The Rabbit was white, except for its eyes. The crimson pupils glowed against the white fur, giving it an eerie presence.
Whereas the Jackal, gave off a more pugnacious presence. The body was smooth and black; showing off every detail of its sinister stance.
The Rabbit spoke, "Come with me. I'll show you things you have never dreamed of. Follow me, and you won't have to worry about anyone else but yourself." She could taste the sickly sweetness in the Rabbit's voice.
The Jackal then growled and retorted, "Come back to reality. To where you know how everything is going to end." The roughness of the Jackal voice would have made a anyone flinch.
They both tried to convince her to pick a side. She told me she never made a choice but instead jumped off the cliff, falling until at last she woke up.
I saw her steal the pills from the shopping mart. I watched her hand the money over to the drug dealer for the powder. I followed her in my car as she drove to the end of the road, to the deserted beach. I saw her stare out towards the ocean with the bottle of pills and the white powder in her hands. She made a decision that day. She chose to follow white Rabbit. She went down the hole toward her dream world. I saw her go into the water but didn't see her come up. I found her letter that evening on my desk."
I gazed out into the back crowd. My eyes were brimmed with tears.
"She wanted me to tell you her story and that every single person was to blame for her death. She said she would rather be dead than to be here. Her words were hard, cold, and honest. I wouldn't doubt her words when she wrote, "For each and every one of you who are mourning for my death, you are a bunch of liars. What goes around, comes around, not even God has mercy on you.""
I looked down at her letter, watching a tear, stain the paper. My best friend killed herself, influenced by LSD. Could I have stopped her from injecting the venom into her body? Would it have even made a difference?
I sat there on the couch, injecting the LSD into my system. Feeling the pleasure of the high was what everyone craved for. All my trips were trophies to put under my belt, to remember the good times. I thought back to memorable time, a month ago. She was sitting in my house, on this exact couch. Nothing could compare to how I felt. Not even all these trips.
At first, all we did was talk; mostly her. She was complaining how stupid her parents were. She knew that they didn't see her or listen. She wanted to badly to get away from them and everyone who stereotypes her.
From her ranting, I could tell she needed a quick high. She needs to feel the pleasure.
She was surprised when I offered; I thought she would turn it down given her stereotype reputation. She didn't even hesitate to take it. The only thing she asked was if it was pure.
Everyone who has been doing LSD knew the number one rule, if it's pure no more, no less. Pure LSD could kill you almost instantly if abuse. She seemed to get excited at the thought but then quickly shrugged it off. After we injected it into our system, everything became more relaxed. Mostly we asked each other blunt question.
After a while, she became silent. She seemed to be thinking hard; her eyes dancing all over the place.
"Could you do it?" she whispered unexpectedly. I must have been out of it since I didn't know what it was.
"Do what?"
"Could you-End your life in a dream?" she whispered more loudly. Her eyes were distant.
"I don't plan on ending my life any time soon." I retorted. She shook her head.
"No, - I mean, if you had a choice."
I still didn't understand the meaning of the question, or even yet now how to even answer it. So I did was every male knew. I agreed.
"I do too," She muttered. Her eyes were now on me.
That was the only time she was completely honest with me.
I really didn't care. Now, that she left me to this world for her own selfish reasons was only the reason why I even thought about her. She coaxed me into giving her the information so she could plan her suicide act, and then go blaming on every one at her funeral saying we were the reason why she was dead. She can go piss in her own little dream world.
I got up from the couch and came back with a bag. Only for special occasions would I bring out the pure stuff.
Slowly, I pierce the needle through my clear skin. The rapid release of the liquid stung my arm. I tossed the needle aside, then back further on the couch.
I closed my eyes, feeling the euphoria tremble throughout my body.
"Just like a dream," I murmured before closing my eyes, falling into unconsciousness.