Disclaimer: We don't own Naruto; this is just products of our Imagination that we have decided to share with whoever wants to read this. Feel free to flame but if you do please flame appropriately, no bad grammar and actually have a problem with it (who knows we might be able to fix it), don't flame just to flame…save yourself the time and embarrassment. You may have also seen this by Beer and Vodka, please do not mention this for I have written this and simply posted it on that account earlier. - BleedingCrimson Editor
Freedom in Death
WARNING: Deals with Sensitive subjects- non con, suicide, angst, etc. (implied only)
Dear Whomever Could Be Bothered,
This is the last entry in my journal. If you find this I will be long gone...hopefully. It is too much, I am being overwhelmed. I cannot sleep for fear of my nightmares. No, not nightmares, night terrors, the real reason people are afraid of the dark, this is what real fear is. I needed help, that much I knew; I should have gone to a medical ward. Maybe then dieing would be less painful. The problem was not physical... it was purely emotional, and mental. You might know, the last day in March when I would not, could not, get up and out of bed. it was a sign, I felt too defeated to even try, life was no longer worth it anymore. I had had an unusually bad terror that night and it left me absolutely defeated, it completely broke my will.
I made sure that no one could tell, claiming that I just felt under the weather, or so I thought... It seems that my dear otouto-chan knew something was off. One day not long after, he had seen my face, without my mask that is. The mask I always wear, it covers my whole head, all but my eyes. I must say that he looked shocked, astounded, confunded; which is quite hard to do- get my oldest younger brother to show any kind of emotion. He was so young when I had started to wear that I would not be surprised in the least if he did not know what I looked like at all, hell, I think that my own mother would not recognise my face now. I feel sorry for him, a minuscule amount of pity too. He was forced to grow up almost as fast as I was. He only calls me Aneki-sama, even if I tell him to call me otherwise, just once I wish we could be close enough for him to call me just aneki or even give me some silly nickname like my youngest otouto. I have been called the Akahitokiri, which means the Red Assassin, for so long that I have almost forgotten what my own name sounds like so I say it quietly to myself to remember; quite sad really. Just another milestone in my steady decline.
I believe most sincerely that I have lost my mind at the age of 15. I have hidden that well, too. I do not let anyone see how it is a pleasure to kill, to cause pain, now. How I anticipate it. I was so busy that I do not believe that my youngest otouto even knows that he has a sister, perhaps he thinks I am a cousin, or family friend. I realize that I am really only called to duty when it becomes too dangerous, I am the backup, the last resort. Usually I am assigned to solo missions , almost always information gathering, though I could do much better if I thought it was worth it to actually try. This village has gone downhill so far and so swiftly that they can no longer realize when someone is sick in the head, mental. They all believe in that "crazy" stereotype. They never think that it could be the one person everyone looks up to; the ones who plot and connive are too smart to be a lunatic...obviously. But, in reality those are the ones to snap first, they are also the most dangerous, they know they have lost their minds and hide it away so you never know the difference.
The last mission I was on, I was chasing a Konohagakure defect called Orochimaru. Turns out that he is unstable, just like me. I do not claim to know what caused him to snap, all I know is that I am glad he did, there is someone as deranged as I am. We got to talking- me forgetting about the mission, him forgetting our dispute of loyalties- and he told me about his plan to become immortal. I remember laughing, but not in a mocking way, and told him that if he ever finds a way to contact me without putting me under suspicion, I would do my best to help him in his search. Maybe in another time he and I could have been friends, stupid I know, but we understood each other- no one else really gets it, the life of a true shinobi only brings death and insanity.
At the time though, immortality was very appealing; I would be able to travel, to learn something other than the shinobi arts, and there would be no time limit- death would not, could not hinder me! I would learn an instrument, I would write for pleasure, oh the things I would do if only I were free. I had so many options if only I would leave, that would be so easy to do, just walk out the gates and never come back. There was one thing holding me back, my two otouto, they are only eight and four. I cannot leave them here to suffer what would come with my absence, but on the other hand I could never take two children with me, an S-class criminal- I would not be able to live with myself if I forced that life on them. No, that life would be too hard on them and there would be no second chance for them to have their first one- I cannot knowingly take that away from them. No chance to choose their side, I will not take away that choice. I was not able to do this, coward I know, so I returned back to Konoha, my jailer and my prison.
On my way back from a mission I thought long and hard about my eventual escape, I would leave once Itachi was sixteen and Sasuke was twelve, a chunnin and a genin. That is old enough to care for a younger brother, right? Getting back, I wrote in my missions report that I could not track the nukenin, I would follow his trail for a while but it would suddenly disappear and I would have to backtrack for almost a day to find it again. I was gone for roughly a month, and Orochimaru is a sanin, so it is believable- not extremely far fetched. For a week or two I did not have any missions, I can say happily that I thoroughly enjoyed my time with my brothers. I recently taught Itachi a jutsu I made up, my Karasu Bunshin no Jutsu (Crow Clone Technique). All hail the older, wiser, and more powerful sister!
It was not the pressure or stress that made me snap. No, I could handle that easily. It was the first and last mistake that I made, I was caught. Aiding a missing nin, one that I was commissioned to capture and detain no less... I can hande torture, we are taught to, Uchiha standards and all... mental torture- does not phase me, physical torture- no problem, and are taught to have and show no emotion whatsoever- done quite well by Uchiha standards even. Well, my trial- my true painful trial, was all of them together; rape. I could not fend off my attacker for I was too weak in the body at that point- about two weeks in after my capture and arrest. Even now, every-time I close my eyes, I can hear him, see him; feel his unclean, filthy, disgusting hands on me. It is tearing me apart, feeling unclean and unworthy, the knowledge that I will never be pure for my husband as promised, never have children of my own because of the internal damage done, and most of all- I can never look at my two otouto the same again without feeling like I let them down somehow- that my weakness defiled them with me. I can never care for them if needed, I am too broken to care for anyone- I cannot even care for myself for Kami sake! I cannot live like this anymore, I just have no will. And if I cannot defect and run to freedom than I will escape this miserable excuse for a life the only other way. I am not afraid, it is inevitable anyway- this only gets rid of my anguish sooner. If by some miracle I make it to heaven I shall not rest before I am assigned to be the Guardian of my dear sweet brothers. But if I am sent to hell, I shall never cease until I am released to watch over them still. To Whoever Could Be Bothered, a final request if you would, please tell Sasuke and Itachi that aneue loves them until the East meets the West and even farther on; and that no matter the situation or the circumstance or time, I will be watching and protecting them. Tell them not to mourn for I am better off now, that I love them, and that I will protect them ever still. Thank you. Whomever Could Be Bothered, thank you so much. Now, I must go, seppuku and the way to freedom awaits.
Yours for Nevermore,
Akai Hitokiri, The Red Assasin
The infamous red-eyed nuke nin refolded the yellowed and creased letter for the upteenth time.
"Oi, Itachi-san, what's with the letter?" enquired his aquatic friend. A dull glare was his only answer. "Fine, I was simply asking." The blue man breathed to himself.
The Uchiha looked to the moon from his seat by the campfire. He knew that his aneue-sama, no his beloved and revered ane-chan, was out there watching and protecting himself and his otouto. If he sat quietly enough, and listened he could distinctly hear her faint laugh and advice that seemed as old as time.
'I became free, protecting our otouto from that idiotic village too, just for you ane-chan. Just for you.'
This is my first Naruto fic actually and I would love constructive criticism if you would like to offer any. Please don't flame mindlessly and have a real reason to complain, Thank You. Oh and if you would like an in depth explanation about the meaning of any Japanese words PM me and I will get back to you as soon as permitted.
-Bleeding Crimson