So...I haven't been too happy at the fact that Lucky hasn't been around. I know Jonathan Jackson is on Nashville right now (and it's hard to recast him), but it's difficult for me to believe that Lucky would actively leave his boys behind with no attempt at contact. But since that's the case at this point, this one-shot wouldn't stop running through my head.
Set in sort of current-ish times I guess? Its a holiday one-shot!
Through the years we all will be together
If the fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now
There it was, right in front of him.
He stood near the window, peering in at the scene that could have been a picture on a Christmas card. It glowed and shone in all its glory. He could see Cameron shaking his present roughly, laughing at the sound the box made. The way he threw back his head mischievously meant he probably knew what it was inside the box. And was that Aiden? How had he grown so much in what felt like such a short time?
He stared at the young boy who was a spitting image of him at that age. Aiden moved towards the tree, enamored by the lights. He could already see how introspective his son was. He moved his head towards the windowpane, seeing Cameron pointing out a specific ornament to Aiden on the grandly lit tree. She had clearly outdone herself this year, from what he could see. His fingertips grazed the window again, watching Cameron smile down at his brother.
And in a second he saw it. Aiden teetered a bit, losing his balance. His body moved without thinking towards the window, as if he could grab his son from falling.
But he couldn't.
Instead, he watched a familiar man move to comfort his son from his fall, rubbing his arms in the comforting way he wanted to do.
He jerked back from the window a bit, like he had been burned. How had he not seen Spencer sitting on the couch earlier? He watched Nikolas smile down at Aiden, setting him down carefully on the floor next to Cameron again.
The familiarity of the entire situation knocked the breath out of him. That was a family. His family. Nikolas called Spencer over from the couch towards Aiden and Cameron, as they all moved to sit on the floor near the stack of presents.
He remembered the last Christmas in Port Charles, watching Cameron open his Christmas presents and singing to Aiden. He remembered looking at Jake's Christmas ornament on the tree and feeling the pain clench his heart.
He remembered.
But that's all it was. It was a memory. What was in front of him was reality.
He could go in. He could go in and join them. Claim his family back. He could hold his sons in his arms and watch the smiles on their faces. It was all within reach.
His thoughts broke as she entered the room.
Even after fifteen years of history, she could take his breath away with the slightest movement. She smiled at Nikolas, handing him a coffee mug and flashing a smile at the boys that lit up her face. He couldn't help but smile a little at it; his breath caught in his throat at the sight. She was radiant.
She moved towards Nikolas. The way she smiled at him, the way his fingers lingered against hers, he knew. The entire picture was now colored in a shade that made sense.
His stomach churned at the way she knelt down, hand rubbing his back. She leaned against his arm, talking excitedly to the boys. She leaned on him for support. His hand lay softly on her lower back.
The first Christmas that he and Elizabeth had spent together when they were teenagers, she lit up his world. He was living in that crappy apartment, with nothing to really look forward to but her. She would bounce in with her fire, going on and on about anything. He would just let her talk, let her voice fill every inch of the room until it was soaked with a presence that was so utterly her. That Christmas in particular had changed his life forever. He could still feel the oil painting she had given him under his fingertips and the breathless swirl in his chest hearing her tell him that she loved him.
"I'm in love with you. I have been all along."
His heart had soared and never came back to the ground from that point on. It was her and no one else: she was his world. She had given him everything he had ever wanted in that one moment. She had held the promise of his future in her hand, and in the hands of their family together.
But now, she was the one with everything. She had always been the girl who had everything. She had always been the girl who had deserved everything. Even if he could not be the one to give it to her.
He watched her move towards Aiden, urging him to open his present faster. Her eyes fixated on the boy's face, as her hands pushed back hair behind her ears.
That was a mindless habit of hers that he had always loved. Whenever she got nervous, her eyes were the first to lower, and she would push hair behind her ears. He would always have to crane his neck to meet her eyes, and then she would smile and open up. They had almost reached an unwritten comfortable pattern that way, rhythmic and constant.
She was happy. He could see it even in the slightest movements. It's all he had ever wanted, from the moment he had lifted her up from the snow in the park that night to now. It had never changed, despite everything.
He could have been the one there. Wasn't that what he had always wanted? There was a time she had wanted it to. The resounding pang rang clear. Wasn't that what he still wanted?
Memories of clasped hands and bright smiles danced in his mind. The feeling of waking up next to her, with her body curved into his comfortably, like a perfect fit. Watching her read a story to boys and feeling drawn into a love that he had never thought possible. It was all there, potent and crippling.
But he had ruined everything. He had run, just like his father. He had always learned from his father to never speak declarations of bold promise, because Luke Spencer could not follow through on them. His father was brutally honest to a fault. It was better to sustain honest but cruel integrity than be caught in indecision.
It seemed that he, Lucky Spencer, was the opposite. Or worse. Not only had he said things he could not fulfill, but he had believed in his heart that he would not fail. He believed that things could have been different for him, for them.
But it wasn't. It wasn't ever meant to last. The scene in front of him was proof of that. He never should have expected anything different. The feeling of jealousy in his chest was disgusting and unmerited. Jealousy implied that something that was his had been taken away; that he had been cheated of something. But that wasn't true. He had let go of the thing he wanted most willingly, and there was no redemption from that.
He gripped the guitar case and the wrapped box in his hand tightly. The weight of the entire situation pushed on his shoulders. That was his burden to bear.
She moved quickly, shifting a bit. "Did you hear something?"
Nikolas jerked back, looking at her curiously. "Hear what?"
She stood up, brushing lint off her jeans, "I don't know, I swear. I thought I heard something at the door."
"Mama, come on! I wanna open the next one." Cam interjected, forcing the next present into her hand to read.
"Hold on sweetie." She put down the present again, walking towards the door.
"Liz, it might have just been the wind?"
She opened the door, not expecting to find anything. Instead, there on her porch step, sat two items.
"Oh my god." She knelt down on her knees, touching the guitar case like it was made of glass. Her hands ran over every inch of the worn cover.
She could feel Nikolas behind her. "Is that…"
"Yes." She turned to look up at him, incredulously. "It's Lucky's guitar case."
Quickly rising to her feet, her body moved forward towards the street. Had he just been there? The brisk air hit her face hard, but she didn't care. She ran across the grass towards the asphalt of the road, looking for any signs of movement. Had he driven here? Did he walk? How had she not heard him on her porch?
"Liz!" Nikolas jogged after her. "What are you doing? It's freezing!"
Her heart pounded. He had been here. She could feel it in every cell in her body. Her heart filled with the warmth that only his presence had been known to elicit.
"Lucky." She caught her breath. "He was here."
"Liz." Nikolas turned her body, grasping her arms. "How do you know?" He tried to hold her gaze, but she eyes darted everywhere.
"Are you kidding?" She pointed to the porch angrily. "That's his guitar case! He was here."
"You don't know that." Nikolas explained calmly. "Maybe Luke brought it over?"
"Why wouldn't he have come in then? If it was Luke?" Luke was rather ambivalent when it came to his grandchildren, but he wasn't cruel. He wouldn't have left Lucky's prize possession on her porch without an explanation.
Nikolas scoffed. "Who knows why Luke does anything?"
She shook her head, looking down at the winding street. "Nikolas. He was here." Where would he have gone? If she got into her car now, she may be able to catch him if he was on foot.
"And why wouldn't he have come in?"
"I don't know!" She yelled without recognizing her voice. Her hands ran through her hair, frustrated.
"Ok." He rubbed her arms comfortingly, trying to calm her. "I'm not trying to make you upset. I believe you."
Interestingly enough, she didn't particularly care whether he believed her or not. She knew.
"Can we go back inside now? It's freezing out here." Nikolas shivered a bit. But Liz could see him looking down the road a bit too. He could feel it too. Lucky had been there.
She moved out of Nikolas' grasp instinctively. "Sure." Walking back to the porch, she carefully picked up the guitar case and the small package on top.
She set the guitar case down on the dining table, stroking the old stickers Lucky had stuck on as a teen. Looking over at the wrapped package, she could see a card attached to it.
Elizabeth,
I know I haven't been in touch, and I know that's my fault. The way I left was wrong, but I don't want you to ever blame yourself for my mistakes. I said some things that hurt you, and all I can hope is that you'll forgive me someday. It's Christmas. You always said that Christmas was a time for new beginnings…a time to start over. I want to start over, I just don't think I know how to yet. And until I do, I don't want to come back and cause you or the boys any more pain than I already have. You, Cam, and Aiden deserve a full life that I just can't give you yet. You all deserve better
If you could, I'd love for you to give the boys the gifts I've left them. I wrote them each separate notes in here, if you could read them out loud to them. If you don't want to give them the gifts, I understand.
Her hands stroked the paper, feeling Lucky through ever word. His heart was in every stroke of the pen. She read over the words again quickly, as if they may change on the paper to reveal more than what they said.
"Cameron, Aiden!" She motioned the boys over to the dining table, where the two presents lay. "Look what your daddy sent you!"
"Dad sent presents?" Cameron shrieked, running towards the table straight for her legs.
"Hey buddy, slow down there." Nikolas gave excited Cameron a smile, watching Aiden run towards the table after his brother.
"Your dad wrote this letter for you." She nodded towards the boys, holding the letter in her hand tightly. "You want me to read it to you?"
To Aiden,
The last time I saw you, my last night with you, I sang to you for so long I almost lost my voice. I sang this song your grandma used to sing to me. I used to get nightmares at night, and your grandpa Luke used to always tell me stories to distract me. But your grandma Laura, she used to sing. And she had the most beautiful voice. She would tuck me in real tight, grab my hand, and sing softly. It always made me be not afraid of the monsters anymore, and I could fall asleep with her hand on my forehead. I wish that I could be there Aiden, to see you grow. To sing to you. So I made you this CD, so whenever you get scared, you can listen to it and remember that daddy is here.
Elizabeth pulled out the CD out of the package carefully.
"Did Lucky?" Nikolas' voice trailed off.
"Cameron, can you grab that music player for mommy please?" She ignored the question, looking towards her son instead. Cameron quickly grabbed the player for the ledge, setting it on the table in front of him.
Pushing the CD into the player, she pressed play hesitantly, almost fearful of what sound would come out.
And there it was.
The voice that had calmed her, challenged, her, infuriated her, and loved her was now filling the room. It was beautiful and raw and completely Lucky Spencer.
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey
Aiden's small hands moved towards the music player, drawn to the sound. Sitting down on the chair herself, letter still in hand, she pressed pause, despite wanting to play the song forever.
"Ok Cameron, your turn." She could see Cameron sit up in his chair, eyeing the guitar case that was left on the table.
Cameron,
The other night, I saw this constellation, and I remembered when we went camping, just you and me, and you showed me all the different stars that you learned from that galaxy book that your mommy had bought you. I miss you more than you will ever know. You're my firstborn son, my pride and joy. Being your dad is the best gift I've ever been given. So, I wanted to give you the other best gift I'd ever been given. A long time ago, your mommy gave me this guitar—
"That one mom?" Cameron shot up in his seat, interrupting her. He pointed to the guitar case excitedly, anxious to open it.
Her voice caught in her throat. "I think so baby."
"Open it mom! I wanna see daddy's guitar!" He jumped out of the seat, running next to her and the guitar case.
"How about I finish the letter first? And then we open it together." She ruffled Cameron's hair, before turning to the letter again.
A long time ago, your mommy gave me this guitar and it became one of my favorite things in the whole world. I taught myself how to play, and it helped me through some really hard times growing up. I know you are growing up fast, and you are gonna be dealing with things that you might not understand. And even though I'm not there, you have people to help you who are much better than me. Your mom, your Uncle Nikolas, and your Gram... they are all here for you buddy. But sometimes, you have to deal with stuff on your own, and that's what the guitar is for. Maybe you can teach yourself how to play? Or when I come home, I'll teach you. I know you'll pick it up fast, and the next time I see you, you'll be ten times better than me. I can't wait to see you again.
I miss you all. One day, we will all be together again. I know it.
All my love,
Lucky
Cameron had not even waited for her to finish the last line. He had already opened the latches on the guitar case, tugging at the strings on the instrument. "I can't wait to learn!"
Seeing the guitar in her son's hands filled her heart with an emotion that felt close to joy. She turned back to see Nikolas place a hand comfortingly on her back.
"You alright?"
She nodded at him, trying to control her emotion. "I'm just, in shock you know? I haven't heard from Lucky in… so long. And then he just shows up to the house, drops off these gifts for the boys, and just leaves?"
"Lucky has his reasons." Nikolas replied carefully, moving closer towards her. "And we don't even know for sure he was actually here."
"I don't want to argue that one anymore." She bit her tongue from saying anything worse. "I'm just confused."
He leaned his lips close to her ear. "But look how happy Cam and Aiden are."
Cameron had forgotten about all the other presents as he held the guitar in his arms while Aiden watched his older brother fiddling on the strings.
"They are." She closed her eyes, ingraining the memory.
"I don't wanna be some example… how love went wrong. I want our kids to be able to look at us and see two people who did things right. Even when it means putting everything at risk.
"Our kids?" His hands trailed along her thighs, and a smirk grew on his face. "We're having kids now?"
She hadn't even realized at the time that her mind had always had Lucky at the center of her family, at the center of her happiness. She hadn't realized until she had lost him.
"Liz?" Nik shook her thoughts, sighing a bit. "Listen, if you want me to go…"
"No." She said quickly, pushing down old memories that had come rushing to the surface. "I don't."
He sighed again, moving closer. "Liz."
Nikolas said everything in that one word. He didn't want to be a substitute. And she didn't want to be a substitute for what he wanted either. But hadn't the dreams already been built? The foundation of it all held Lucky at the cornerstone. To take that out would cause the entire building to collapse.
"Nikolas," she grabbed his hand tightly. "I just wanna focus on the fact that my boys got gifts from their father this year. Can we do that?"
"Alright." He looked at her curiously, but in a way that didn't fully pierce. "I think the boys may have lost interest in opening up the rest of the presents. That guitar seems to have stolen the show."
She closed her eyes a bit, smiling wistfully. "He certainly was always good at surprises."
"Well then, I guess it's a Christmas miracle of sorts."
She looked at her boys, rubbing her fingers against the course paper of the handwritten letter. "I guess it was."