The Final Fantasy VII Fairytale Collection
A/N: Uh… am I really supposed to say something?
Disclaimer: Don't own Final Fanta- ah heck, you know what I mean. Apologies to all Cloud fans.
Fairytale #2: Cloudilocks and the Three SOLDIERs
Once upon a time, there were three SOLDIERs who lived in a little house in the woods. Actually, there were only two, but for the sake of the story, we have to say there were three. Sephiroth was a very tall SOLDIER. Zack was a medium-sized SOLDIER, and Cloud was just a tiny widdle SOLDIER.
One morning, Zack cooked some Potion for no particular reason. (Yes, you can make Potions at home now.) He put it into three bottles of different sizes, since he and the other two SOLDIERs were going to use them when they went power tripping the next day. There was a small bottle for Sephiroth, since he was already insanely strong and so that he wouldn't ruin his damn sexy figure because of all the calories the Potion packed; a medium sized bottle for Zack since it was shiny and he liked shiny things, and a very big bottle of Potion for Cloud so that he would grow up to be big.
The Potion was very hot, so the three SOLDIERs went to Gold Saucer for a good time, beating up helpless monsters and betting on chocobo races while the Potions were cooling.
At the edge of the wood, in another little house, there lived a little girl. Her golden hair was so long that she could sit on it and everyone called her Cloudilocks.
That morning, Cloudilocks finished her pimping duties early so she went for a walk in the woods.
Soon she came to the little house where the three SOLDIERs lived. Cloud left the door open since he was a dumbass, and Cloudilocks peeped inside. No one was there so Cloudilocks walked in, looking for more people to add to her prostitution-er, 'escort service' groupie.
She saw the three bottles of Potion on the table. Cloudilocks went straight to the table and grabbed a bottle, since it was an unwritten rule in RPGs that you could go anywhere you like and grab stuff without people getting mad at you. Cloudilocks' mouth watered at the sight of the crystalline Potion in Sephiroth's bottle, and she tasted it. But it was too hot!
"Oh dear!" Cloudilocks cried as she looked at her burning tongue in her compact mirror; it was now covered with yellow fuzz and red bell peppers in the shape of fish seemed to be sprouting out of her taste buds, complete with leaves. Cloudilocks quickly grabbed Zack's shiny bottle of Potion hoping to remedy the damage, but as soon as the Potion trickled down her throat Cloudilocks felt a tingling sensation in her mouth. The Potion was too lumpy!
Once more Cloudilocks peeked at her tongue; the yellow fuzz and the fish-shaped red bell peppers were indeed gone, but in their place, a multitude of figures started to show. Cloudilocks' eyebrows shot up as she saw miniature people dancing on her tongue, but the ones that really caught her attention were two girls: one was very well-endowed and looked a lot like Tifa from Cloudilocks' harem, the other looked like she was wearing a pink dress and had a flower basket on her arm, and she resembled Aerith from the same harem.
Giving up all hope of chugging down a decent Potion, Cloudilocks tasted the stuff in Cloud's Potion bottle. To her surprise, it was just right! She heard the short screams of little people inside her mouth, and when Cloudilocks stared at her tongue again in the mirror, she was relieved. Her tongue was back to normal!
… She failed to notice, however, that all of her hair was now standing on their ends.
As she continued her tour, Cloudilocks somehow found her way to the chocobo stables. There was a sleek-looking black chocobo for Sephiroth, a shiny gold chocobo for Zack, and a tiny white chocobo imported from Mideel for Cloud.
Cloudilocks clambered unto the black chocobo, but it was too high. Next, she tried to ride the golden chocobo, but it was too shiny. As Cloudilocks tried to dust off the golden glitter from her dress, she spotted the cute white chocobo and slammed her ass unto its back. "Giddyap chocobo!" she yelled, but as she looked down she saw that she had squished the chocobo flat and that its bloody liver was now on her dress, its crimson life source forming a pool around her and the chocobo's corpse. Whistling innocently, Cloudilocks swept the white feathers and entrails under the haystack and Sylkis Greens and ran out of the stable like hell.
She went back into the house and climbed the stairs, heading straight for the bedroom. There she saw three beds. There was a very big bed covered in black sheets for Sephiroth, a medium sized bed decorated with shiny glass shards for Zack, and a tiny little crib posted with pictures of women for Cloud.
Cloudilocks climbed up onto the very big bed. But it was too high, she couldn't reach it!
Cloudilocks tried the medium sized bed, but it was too shiny. Not to mention pointy too.
Then she lay down on the tiny little crib with the pictures of women surrounding it. Cloudilocks looked at all the pictures and a smile crept unto her lips. Then, dreaming of all the gil she could make out of whoring them around, Cloudilocks soon fell asleep.
After a while, the three SOLDIERs came home because they were out of gil and their weapons needed polishing. Sephiroth glanced at his bottle of Potion and said in a deadly calm voice, "Someone's been drinking my Potion." Their pet goldfish, swimming innocently in the fishbowl on the corner, suddenly caught fire. "You bastard!"
Zack caught a glimpse of his bottle of Potion and said in a casual voice, "Someone's been drinking my Potion." He blinked momentarily and said in a tone different from before, "Someone's been drinking my Potion! I'm gonna kill whoever it is!" He then ran out of the door with his sword in hand but stopped to poke the decorative glass panel on the door. "Oooh… shiny!"
Cloud looked at his bottle of Potion and cried out, "Someone's been drinking my Potion… and they drank it all up!" He then continued bawling until Sephiroth, his green eyes twitching, grabbed his bottle of Potion and slammed it on Cloud's head. Cloud barely flinched from the force inflicted on his head, but Seph's bottle broke into a million pieces.
Next, the three SOLDIERs went outside to the chocobo stables to see if anything had changed. Sephiroth ran a hand over his black chocobo's glossy feathers. "Someone's been sitting on my chocobo." Their stable boy, Choco Billy, who was snoozing in a corner, immediately caught fire. "You asswipe!"
Zack went over to his overly shiny chocobo and looked at its feathers. "Someone's been… oooh… shiny…"
Cloud went over to his chocobo's pen and cried out, "Someone's sat on my chocobo… and they squished it flat!" He then went on wailing until Sephiroth, a nerve twitching on his forehead, grabbed his prize-winning black chocobo and hurled it against Cloud. Cloud barely flinched from the impact, but Seph's chocobo rolled off Cloud's spiky hair, huge bloody holes covering its feathery body.
The three SOLDIERs then heard loud snoring coming from inside the house. As they went up the stairs and straight into the bedroom, Sephiroth then saw the crumpled black sheets on his bed. "Someone's been lying on my bed." He then fixed the sheets and kept quiet.
"Aren't you going to burn something?" Zack asked.
Sephiroth shook him off and shrugged. "Nah. I'm saving it for later."
"Okay." Zack then looked at his bed. "Someone's been… oooh…"
Both Cloud and Sephiroth shook their heads at him.
"It's getting old, isn't it?" Zack sighed.
"Yeah."
Zack pouted and lifelessly poked the glass shards sewn unto the bed sheet.
Cloud took a deep breath and went to his crib. "Here she is!" he cried, making his tiny little voice as loud as he could. "Here's the slutty little bitch that drank my Potion and killed my chocobo! HERE SHE IS!"
At the sound of their voices, Cloudilocks woke up. Her eyebrows rose appreciatively as she saw the three SOLDIERs at the foot of the bed. "Well, well, well. How would you three like to earn 5000 gil a day?"
"Are you managing a prostitution service?" Sephiroth asked.
"Yes."
"Sorry, but we're already stuck with the author." Sephiroth looked from the computer monitor and gave me a wave.
Zack blanched. "Same here."
"How come she didn't ask me?" Cloud wailed and started crying again. Sephiroth's mouth twitched and the nearby town of Nibelheim caught fire. Zack let out a whistle and clapped.
Cloudilocks cleared her throat. "Is this the part where I run for my life?"
"You got it, bitch."
Cloudilocks then let out a bloodcurdling scream and scrambled down the stairs, running into the woods as fast as she could. By the time the three SOLDIERs packed their materia and weapons to chase her, she was already gone.
Cloudilocks kept running across the western continent, then swam the great sea until she reached Junon, then the Mythril Mines, crossed the infamous Midgar swamp, and ran straight to the hellhole known as Midgar. There, an insane scientist named Hojo drugged her unconscious and brought her to his lab, where Cloudilocks later emerged with a new name: Scarlet.
The three SOLDIERs never saw Cloudilocks again and they all lived happily ever after.