Bartimaeus the Matchmaker

By S. Zed

Please note: Bartimaeus was created by Jonathan stroud

You humans are a real pain in the neck. No, no, don't take that the wrong way. I don't mean that in the figurative sense. Literally.

Just so we're clear: The pain is literal, the neck is figurative.

Just imagine if you can, floating peacefully in the 'Other Place', minding your own business while ploting the humiliating downfall of your enemies when *WHAM*, you suddenly have several meat hooks shoved into your innards and feel yourself being unceremoniously dragged down in to a pile of dung.

This is a very accurate analogy of what I experienced only last week. (O.K, the analogy is not perfect. You meat sacks smell a lot worse than dung.)

But I've learned that it's less painful to just go along with it and get the whole experience over with as quickly as possible.

Now, throughout my years of heroism and bravery on your little mudball, I have had many weird experiences and I thought I had seen it all. But never have I been summoned by more than one magician at the same time.

At least, I thought it was more than one magician. Looking at him again I saw that it was actually just one man standing in his pentacle, but any airline would definitely have charged him for at least three seats.

So just to rile him up, I took the form of what he would look like at half his size and told him my little airline joke. He was not amused.

"Slave!" he barked, "Tell me your name!"

Still smoking from his punishment, I took on the voice of distant rumbling thunder and spoke. "Bartimaeus,"

"Well 'Bartimaeus', you are a very lucky djinn."

"How so?"

"You have the honor of serving the greatest magician of this erra."

"Oh, joy."

"Indeed. And you shall be assisting me on a quest of the utmost importance."

"Aquiring a stair-master?" (More shrivelling fire.)

"Impertinant creature. In truth, you do not deserve this grand mission-"

"Oh?"

"...But I forgive you."

"Oh."

I'll admit, despite myself, I was curious about what he wanted. (And a little scared. Suppose he wanted me to scratch where he couldn't reach.)

He held up a photo of a female human. A very beautiful female human. (Beautiful that is, if you're, y'know, into female humans.) "Know you who this is?"

"The Lord of Sandwitch?"

"No, Foul demon. She is the fabulously wealthy Countess Maria Delchamo. The woman I have almost decided to honor by making her my wife."

"Almost? You aren't sure yet?"

"Well, no. Does she really deserve this privelage? I am in half a mind."

"Well, at last we agree on something." (More Shrivelling Fire.)

"You are here to help me woo her."

Aha! He has heard of my reputation with the ladies. At last, I was in an element where I was comfortable. "Let's get started." I said, eagerly. "The first thing we have to do is get you used to rejection."

I took on the form of Contess Maria wearing a bare midrif and wagged a haughty finger in his face. "I will never marry a man who looks like he swallowed his last six wives. And your hair- actually, does that qualify as 'hair'? Could just be fuzz. And lets not even get started on your nose. Was your mother, by any chance, a rhinoceros-"

Pain. Pain racked through my essense with a fury. My master was beside himself with bile and anger and was on the verge of ending my existence. "ENOUGH!" He shrieked. "ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH! You are here to follow MY commands! I am the master!"

"And what exactly do you want, oh Master? Even an afrit cannot make one fall in love with another."

"Just- Just... help me. I am very nervous in her presence. Help me make a good impression on her."

"But-"

"NO MORE FROM YOU, SLAVE!"

"But Maste-"

"NOW!"

"...As you wish, master."

I saw my opportunity and I grabbed it. And I grabbed it by grabbing him. (That sounds dirtier than it actually was.) The next moment we were soaring through the air over that milling dump of a city with my overgrown passenger sputterring with shock and dismay.

"Wait! What are you doing?" he bellowed in fear.

"Just fulfilling my charge." I answered, gleefully. "And I'll be finished any minute now...Ah! there she is."

I finally found the Countess Maria strolling mildly through the park, gingerly stepping around a pile of horse droppings.

"Bartimaeus, stop this now!"

"Sorry, bud. We're not in the pentacle right now. You can't give me any orders. Now be quiet. Daddy's working."

I took careful aim with my flailing load and released him right above the Countess. "Bartimaeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus!" And the next second he made a very great impression on the Countess. So great, in fact, that both their funeral were closed-casket affairs.

And so, having fulfilled my charge to the letter, and being suddenly left without a master, I took leave of this world. Until next time.