Gundam Bathroom by Kat Yuy
J.Z. Barton didn't really help me write this...I just put her in it. She is my best friend after all . . . and that's what friends are for!
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or any of its characters. I do own a bathroom, though.
Gundam Wing Announcer: Kat Yuy was one day wondering where the Gundam pilots' biggest battles were fought. She suddenly came up with an idea--that's your cue, Kat.
Kat: (unenthusiastically) Ooh. Their biggest battles must be fought in the bathroom.
J.Z.: Say the line again. (steps on Kat's foot)
Kat: Ooh! Their biggest battles must be fought in the bathroom!
Announcer: Thank you, J.Z. Barton. I don't know how to repay you.
J.Z.: (through gritted teeth) The feeling of helping another human being is enough.
As the fic begins, we see Duo Maxwell in a small room on a seat. The only other things visible in the room are the top of a mirror and a curtain. Duo is using a brush like a microphone, speaking into it.
"They took over the ship and stole my pants. They made hand puppets out of Heero and Trowa and Quatre and Wufei. I haven't eaten a decent meal in thirty days, and I haven't met a fellow human since. I have eaten my own skin and a strange bottled bubbly liquid I found in this big, hard, curved, squarish hole--"
"DUO, GET OFF THE TOILET!" yelled an irritated Heero from outside the bathroom.
Duo opened the door, holding his pants up with one hand. "HAVEN'T I TOLD YOU NOT TO INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M ON THE TOILET!" he screamed.
Heero held his nose. "Ew, you smell."
Duo went back in the bathroom and locked the door. He lifted the toilet seat--
--and screamed.
Heero heard Duo's scream all through the house. It was so loud he almost dropped the phone. "Um, sorry, Relena, but I think Duo shut his hand in the toilet again," he quickly appologized and hung up.
A very white Duo walked out of the bathroom, eyes wide in fright. The other G-boys were staring at him.
"It's--him--" Duo gasped and fainted.
"Duo, I know you were in the bathroom two hours ago, and I know you didn't go," said Heero. "What happened?"
Duo still looked pale, and he replied unsteadily, "It happens in every bathroom I go in. I lift up the seat and this ugly, hairy, slimy, greasy creature looks up at me with the biggest, meanest eyes--"
His voice trailed off and the G-boys stared at each other in thoughtful silence. "Duo--" Trowa said finally. "That was your reflection in the toilet water." They all laughed.
Duo turned scarlet as Quatre sang to the tune of White Reflection: "I see my own reflection. It's very scary--"
"Hey!" Duo interjected angrily. "I was trying to make Heero laugh, and another attempt failed as usual."
Wufei chose that moment to walk by with a mirror he wanted in his room. Duo screamed bloody murder. "IT'S HIM! THE GUY IN THE TOILET!" Wufei nearly dropped the mirror.
Wufei had heard of this trick somewhere. He wasn't sure where, but he'd heard it.
He turned off the bathroom lights and begun spinning slowly, chanting, "Any ghost, any ghost--" He chanted at least 100 times and then turned on the light. He frowned. No ghost.
Suddenly, someone knocked on the door. He opened it. Treize Khushrenada was standing there!
Wufei screamed. The ghost started screaming, too. It didn't sound like Treize, though. "Heero?"
Heero removed the halloween mask as Wufei glared at him. "Um, trick or treat?" Heero said weakly.
Wufei slammed his fist into Heero's head, and Heero let out a weak wimper. "I was dared to bring a ghost back, not you," Wufei snarled.
"Well, while you were here, I was dared to scare you," Heero said. "I found the Treize mask in the box of masks Duo gave me to choose from."
Wufei scowled and hit him again, and walked back to the living room, where the other G-boys were laughing. "Truth or Dare is over," Heero mumbled, rubbing his head.
Trowa sighed and dried his hair. He had just gone swimming, and needed hair gel. He reached for the stiff gel, from the Ice brand. He squeezed the bottle--
And let out a scream of utter horror.
"What the--"
"What's wrong with him?" Quatre asked.
Trowa didn't blink at all, or move his muscles or eyes. In fact, for once, the only thing moving was his mouth, and it was making noises that sounded very much like, "No--gel--no--gel--"
"WUFEI!" they all yelled accusingly.
"What?" asked Wufei. He had just gotten into the room.
"You used the last of Trowa's Ice gel," Heero accused.
"So?" he said. Then he looked down. "Oh, Trowa went paranoid."
"Seems normal enough to me," Duo commented, as Trowa looked at nothing, not saying a word.
"Well, look at you hair, Wufei," Quatre said. He poked it. "Stiff as Gundanium alloy!"
Duo rolled on the floor in a fit of laughter. All of the boys sweatdropped.
Duo stepped up to the bathroom mirror, yawning and stretching sleepily. He opened his eyes and saw Heero step behind him with scissors, about to cut off his braid. "Ah!" He turned around in time with a brush.
In his horror, Heero dropped his scissors and covered his eyes as if it would save him from the hair tool.
"You've been asking for it a loooong time, Yuy," Duo said from between clenched teeth. He attacked Heero's messy hair with the brush!
"OOOOH! EEEEEEE! YYEEEE-OUCH!" Heero screamed as the brush untangled the knots in his hair.
Quatre turned off the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. He stepped out and heard a crunch. He looked down and screamed.
"Quatre, what's wrong!" Trowa exclaimed as Quatre cried with his face pressed against his shoulder.
The blond Arabian looked up. "I--sniff, sniff--stepped on a bug!" he wailed.
Trowa fell anime-style. "Ugh!"
"T-Trowa?"
"Yes, Quatre?" Trowa asked, feeling a stress mark and sweatdrop on his head.
"Does--does this mean I go to . . . to . . ." It seemed to horrible to say. ". . . H-E-double-hockeysticks?"
Trowa slapped his forehead. "NO!" he shouted impatiently.
Gundam Wing Announcer: And that is why the Gundam pilots' biggest battles are fought in the bathroom. This fic is not sponsored by Gundam Wing in any way, and--
Kat Yuy: (cuts him off) Hey, I'm your boss, and I pay you zip! Shut up! This fic is owned by Kat Yuy and cannot be used and if you have any problems with that, e-mail me and get chewed out by Kat!
Announcer: (sweat drop)
J.Z.: Doncha worry 'bout her?